“So he just showed up here? How the hell did he know where you were?” Jake asks the next afternoon when he gets home from work. He didn’t end up getting his vegetarian lasagna because he had to work a double, and it looks as though he’s about to fall over, the poor guy.
“I have no idea, and yes.” I give Archie the truck, and he starts pushing it through the dirt in the flower bed.
Jake curses, and I give him a smile. He sees through it, though. “Don’t.” He points a finger at me. “Don’t try to act like you’re doing okay. Shit.” Jake looks over at Warren, who’s watering the plants nearby.
I try not to laugh because I should be more than used to it by now. But he’s the epitome of an all-American jock, baseball cap on and all, with a purple watering can in hand as he hums under his breath.
Warren pauses, probably feeling our eyes on him. “What?” He gives me a wink, and a little laugh escapes me. Like he knew I needed it and doesn’t care that it’s at his expense.
“Put the damn watering can down and get your ass over here.”
Warren guffaws, still looking at me all wide-eyed with feigned indignation. “Honey bunches, the way he speaks to me is just appalling!”
“You love the way I speak to you. Don’t pretend otherwise.”
Warren chuckles, dropping the can and dusting his hands off on his cargo shorts. Which was pointless, seeing as he walks over to join Archie in the dirt. “What’s up?”
“This Felix guy could have her back in therapy, that’s what’s up.” Jake runs a hand through his jet black hair, making the wavy locks fall across his forehead. His brown eyes soften when Archie toddles over to hand him a flower. These two men like their gardens, but they love Archie, so they don’t seem to care that he likes to play in them. Still, I try to smooth the dirt back over and make sure Archie doesn’t pluck anymore flowers.
“What can ya do? The guy’s done his time, and we’ve just gotta wait it out. See what happens.” Warren shrugs. “Maggie insists she can’t tell him, and if what I saw yesterday is any indication, she’s damn right about that. The guy will lose his ever-loving mind.”
“I’m okay,” I tell mainly Jake, who’s watching me. I’m not, but what did I expect? To be welcomed back into Felix’s heart after keeping his son away from him? Maybe. But I’m not that stupid. I know him. His temper and stubbornness don’t leave a lot of room for forgiveness.
And if I can’t tell him, well, all I can hope is that he lets me back in and forgives me eventually. We’ve got too much past for him to just throw it away so easily.
Even if I’m terrified he’ll do that anyway.
“Look at her.” Warren bends down to sit beside me, squeezing my cheeks. “She’s too beautiful for him to stay mad at. It’ll all be fine.”
Jake seems doubtful, but his lips curve into a small smile as he watches Warren fuss over me. Warren pulls my hair back off my face when Archie climbs onto my lap and tries to use it as leverage to stand.
“Car!” He shoves the car at my chest, and I grab it before it falls down my top. “Uh-huh, vroom, vroom.” I make the noise for him, and he gifts me with a mostly gummy smile before snatching it back and walking over to Jake.
Jake picks him up, hoisting him high in the air and grinning at him.
“Remember that time you did that, and he drooled right into your mouth?” Warren laughs as he tidies up the flower bed.
Jake lowers Archie to his hip. “He did no such thing.”
I laugh too, standing and dusting some dirt off my jeans, because he did. He’s done it to me, too. Only it landed on my cheek and not in my mouth.
“Puts a whole new spin on spit or—”
Jake glares at Warren. “Don’t speak like that in front of the baby, filthy bastard.”
He then walks off with Archie still attached to his hip while Warren continues to laugh.
“Jake!” I call just as he’s going inside. He turns around when I reach him. “Here, I’ll take him. You need to sleep. Look at you.”
He scoffs. “I’m used to it, and I want to hang out with him. It’s been a few days since I’ve even been home.”
I lift a brow and give him my best stern look. He huffs, handing my baby over. “Fine. I’m seeing him before he goes to bed, though.” With that, he kisses Archie on the head, smooths his hand over mine, and wanders off into the house.
Warren runs in after him, winking again as he closes the door and I step back outside.
Shaking my head, I make a beeline for our little house and put a movie on for Archie. He falls asleep in my lap, but I can’t bring myself to move. So I stare mindlessly at the small flat-screen TV, thoughts of Felix turning my brain and heart to mush as I wonder if he’s still going to come over and see Archie this afternoon.
An hour later, Archie’s awake, and I’m changing him in his room when Warren knocks on the glass sliding door out in the living room and walks in. “Bunches? You’ve got a visitor.”
I don’t need to ask who it is. Again, I just know. The air in our little home seems to change, affecting my breathing and turning my heart inside out with anticipation.
“Thanks. Let him in if he wants. I’ll be out in a minute.” I toss the diaper in the small trash can under the table. After pulling up Archie’s shorts, I kiss his head before putting him down in the bathroom next to me so I can quickly wash my hands.
I hear the murmur of voices from outside, but they stop when Archie runs out of the bathroom and turns left, heading down the small hall into the living room.
“Car!” he shouts while I quickly dry my hands then run after him with my heart in my throat. This isn’t exactly the introduction I had planned. Then again, not much in this life of mine has ever gone to plan. I should’ve learned to roll with it by now.
Maybe Felix is outside still, maybe he’s waiting … my thoughts halt as do my feet when I find him staring down at Archie, who’s picking up a handful of Hot Wheels cars and taking them to Felix. Unafraid of this strange man who he has no idea is his dad, he’s just happy to be awake and playing.
Felix lifts his gaze to me. I stop myself from apologizing, knowing that even if I do it until I’m blue in the face, it’ll never make up for it. He stares at me for a soul-twisting minute, his eyes glassy with unshed tears before blowing out a loud, shaky breath and returning his attention to Archie, who keeps dropping cars at his feet. He bends down, picking some of the cars up, and I don’t know what I should do. Unsure if I should leave and give them some time to themselves or if I should stay in case Felix decides it becomes too much.
I clear my throat. “I’ll just, um, clean up a bit.”
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look at me, just stays where he’s now seated on the floor, moving the cars over the rug with Archie.
I busy myself with cutting up some apple for Archie, then I decide to clean up his already clean room. With nothing else to do, I move to my own room and sit down on the queen-size bed, staring at the wall while I listen to them play.
I feel like an intruder as I listen to Felix talk quietly to our son. Like I don’t deserve to bear witness to any part of such a prominent moment in both of their lives.
After a little while, I wipe the tears from my face, check it in the bathroom, and make my way back out to give Archie his snack. He eats while he plays, dropping bits of apple on the rug and running over them with his car. Felix laughs, and I try not to do the same, for fear of ruining anything. Instead, I grab a wipe and clean up the car and the rug after he’s moved on to his toy motorcycle.
“Beek!” He passes it to Felix, who finally looks over at where I’m sitting on the couch.
“He likes bikes?”
I nod. “He likes anything with wheels, really.”
He looks over at Archie, and a fond smile relaxes some of his features. It hasn’t escaped my notice that Felix hasn’t tried to pick him up or touch him much. Not while I’ve been in the room anyway.
Archie runs over to the door, knocking on it, which is his way of saying he wants to play outside.
“He wants to go out?” Felix asks.
“Yeah.” I stand, moving to the door. “He loves to be outside.”
Felix stands too, following us as we head out to the grass.
Sitting on the grass, I watch them dig in the dirt of the flower bed together, wishing so many things were different about this moment but appreciating it all the same.
Felix walks over a while later, and I stand on unsteady legs.
“He’s … incredible, Mags.” He clears his throat. “I can’t believe it, that we made him.”
“I know,” I whisper, watching Archie throw some grass into the air above his head. We’re silent. A heavy moment that grows thick, pressing and pulsing until I decide to blurt, “Hey, how’d you even find me?” I tuck some hair behind my ear, feeling flustered. “Not that I’m not glad you did, but well—”
He puts me out of my misery. “Jared hired some PI.”
My breath hitches. I’d never even thought of that. “Oh.”
“Yeah. I just …” He seems to struggle with what to say. Our gazes meet, and my heart starts thudding at his nearness, at the hurt and questions brewing in his stormy eyes. “Why? Why’d you hide from everyone?”
Not everyone. “I didn’t.” It’s all I can think to say. It’s a lie, but it’s only half of one.
“Yeah?” He steps closer, lowering his voice. “Well, why the hell didn’t your sister tell Jared where you were then, huh?”
My eyes widen, and his scowl deepens. “What? He asked Genevieve?”
He scoffs. “Oh, come on. You know he would’ve.”
But I didn’t. He realizes I’m not lying after a beat of time passes and curses quietly. “What a fucking bitch. I knew she didn’t like me, but what the hell, Mags?”
I just shake my head because I don’t know. I had no idea. She’s never mentioned anything about that. “I promise. I’ll talk to her and try to find out why.” Even if it’s too late to bother.
I glance over at Archie, finding him back in the dirt with his truck. Felix does the same then grabs my chin, turning my face to him. My eyes close, my head relaxing into his firm hold. “I’ve missed you,” I whisper. “So much.”
His voice is low when he says, “I don’t fucking understand it, Little Doe.” My eyes fly open at that name, warmth filling my veins and flowing through me. “For someone who destroyed me by leaving me alone to rot and not even bringing my own son to see me because of what I did, you sure seem to have changed your tune now.”
Stunned, my heart thrashes with the injustice of it all. Its thud so powerful that it feels like it wants to tear my chest open to get to him. To make him take it and never let it go. To find its way home.
When I don’t respond, he closes the remaining gap between our bodies, his scent filling my nose and almost overwhelming me with how close he is. So close, yet nowhere near close enough. “So what’s it going to be, Mags? You want me again now? Now that I’m free? Is that it?”
My eyes close once more, only to reopen when his warm breath ghosts over my lips. They tingle in response as if they’re trying to get to him too. Every part of me is desperate, and I’m the one stopping it all from getting what it needs.
I don’t want to stop it. I want him. I’ll always want him. “Y-yes,” I breathe out.
His voice is a hissed whisper. “Yes, what?”
“I want you. Always.” I close the distance and seal my lips to his. My heart sings, my arms wrap around his neck, and my shoulders deflate with bittersweet relief.
My lips press themselves gently to his, lifting, dropping, gliding, over and over. He groans but remains unmoving against their soft assault.
He grabs my forearms, and my stomach hollows out as he shoves me back. I try not to scream, to gasp or panic, knowing that no matter how much I’ve hurt him, he’d never physically hurt me. But no, for the first time in a long while, it’s not the physical I’m afraid of.
He turns, barely looking at Archie who’s banging his toys together in the garden before walking toward the side gate.
My feet send me running to him. “Felix …”
“No.” He spins around when I reach him; his eyes darker than I’ve ever seen them. “Fuck you, Maggie. Don’t fucking touch me again.”