Chapter 1
Charlotte
20 years later…
“Blowout the candles and make a wish,” I say, smiling at my twin babies.
How can eighteen years just come and go in the blink of an eye?
I remember when I held them in my arms for the first time, alone and scared, but so in love with those little bundles. Now here they are, almost ready to go out into the real world.
My thoughts always drift back to him though, and who I was at their age. Madly in love, ready to stop the world for him, but then in just a few months, he shattered that.
“Mama?” says my daughter Bella quietly, obviously seeing my expression change.
“Time for presents,” I say shaking those thoughts away.
I walk through our small two bedroom house and to my room.
The twins have had to share a room all their life, and it kills me that I couldn’t provide a more luxurious lifestyle for them. Having a teenage boy and teenage girl share a room is a nightmare, but their southern upbringing made them too polite to complain to me about it. In just a few short months they will both be going off to college, so I’m sure they will appreciate the space.
I am just a week away from finishing up my online degree in sports management, having to postpone my college dreams when I found out that I was not only pregnant at eighteen, but pregnant with twins. I worked as a waitress and then a bartender at the only pub in town since I was nineteen, and I just started takes classes again when the twins hit high school.
Now that they will be gone, and my degree is almost finished, I'm trying to find a job in my field. As bittersweet as it is, it will be nice not having to dodge handsy customers and pretend that I care about people's sob stories, when they come to get hammered at the pub. Still, thinking about having an empty house sours my mood.
Under my bed, I gather up the boxes and walk back into our cramped kitchen. I set the boxes on the table and look up into the kid's smiling faces.
I look at my son, Devin and my heart breaks a little, just like it always does when I look into his eyes, eyes that always got me, his eyes. The blue that pierced right through you and knew exactly what you were feeling. His shaggy blonde hair flows around his head and his dimple, the dimple that matches his father, appears on his left cheek from his side smirk.
“Well, they’re not goin’ to open themselves,” I say, pushing the boxes closer to them.
“Damn, you outdid yourself Mama, this is a shit ton!” Devin says excitedly.
“Dev, language!” I scold him.
He has his father's mouth, that's for sure. In fact, he has a lot from his father. The eyes, the mouth, the hotheadedness and the incredible pitching skills. He has been on D1 college baseball scouts lists ever since he was in 9th grade and he finally settled on Louisiana State, only an hour away from our town.
“Don’t make Mama get the soap,” Bella says, winking.
Her brown curly hair, the same shade as mine, is pulled into a ponytail. Her black rimmed glasses are perched on her nose, covering caramel eyes; the opposite of Devin in every way, although she is also going to Louisiana State. Like me, she is a softball shark and luckily also received a full ride.
I always instilled education and values into the twins because I never wanted them to be dragged down by student loans when they graduated college. I tried to save every penny I had for their education but luckily, I didn’t even need it. All the money I saved for the two of them will remain in an account, for whatever they need in the future and I feel a burst of pride looking at the two of them.
You did good, Mama.
I was at a loss at what to get two eighteen year old kids on my tight budget, but I tried to expand it the best I could. Devin opens his box first and smiles.
“You buy this bumper sticker for yourself?” he asks cheekily.
It is a Louisiana State bumper sticker and I know he must be confused. I motion for Bella to open her box. She looks up at me with confusion, pulling out the purple and gold steering wheel cover.
“Mama, I think you’re a little confused. It’s our birthday, why are you givin’ us stuff for your truck?”
“Open the little box.”
I smile when Devin hands it to Bella and she rips open the wrapping paper, taking out the key. They both look up at me and their mouths drop.
“Is this what I think it is?” asks Devin.
“Come out front,” I say motioning for the front door. “Close your eyes, I’ll guide y'all.”
I grab their shoulders, walking them to the front porch.
I give my dad the thumbs up and he honks the horn on the beat up old pickup I went half with him on. They both jump at the sound of the horn and open their eyes.
“Are you shittin’ me,” Devin yells, as he runs towards the pickup.
“Dev, watch your language,” I yell to him, as I follow him to the drive.
“Sorry, sorry, I just...you got us this?” he asks, looking at me with more emotion than he probably wants to portray.
Ever since Devin was 14 years old, he took on the man of the house role. He never lets his guard down, always looking out for Bella and me. I always forget he is younger than he acts and seeing him right now, I’m reminded of that little boy I once used to tuck in at night. Little arms that would wrap around my neck, telling me to just lay with him for five more minutes.
“Grandpa Hank and I went half. You should thank him too. You know, y'all ain’t gettin’ anywhere near my truck until you're at least ten years experienced, so this should be good enough for now. Share it for the rest of the year and then we’ll figure out a schedule for college. Should be easy, since y'all are going to the same school,” I say hugging him.
He also inherited his dad’s height, so his 6’2 frame towers over my 5’3 stature, making me feel like I’m hugging a grown man, rather than my son.
“Mama…” Bella runs to hug me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you. I know it probably wasn’t cheap so…” she whispers.
My heart breaks, feeling the maturity seeping out of her body. I vow at that moment, that I will buy another truck with my first real paycheck, so they can each have their own.
She holds me tighter and I flashback to her at five years old, holding scissors in the bathroom with one hand while holding a chunk of her hair in the other. I laugh remembering her little words, “I just wanna haircut like you, Mama.”
“Well, are we just gon’ keep huggin’ or are we gon give this baby a spin around the block?” my dad says from the passenger side.
Devin opens the driver door for Bella to get inside and shuts it, always the gentleman. He opens the back door and hops in and I walk over to the passenger side.
Thank you. I mouth to my dad.
He gives me a quick kiss on my forehead and slaps the side of the car.
“Alright Bells, let’s get this baby back in one piece, ya heard? Don’t go and give your mama no heart attack.”
He winks at me and I wave, watching her pull out of the drive excruciatingly slow. My heart slams against my ribcage, seeing her behind the wheel of a car. It never gets easier, even though she has been driving for almost two years. My little baby, all grown up. When the hell did that happen? I see the smile on her and Devin’s face as she puts the car in drive and waves me off.
* * *
My dad returns with Bella and Devin and they both run down the hall to their room, mumbling about texting their friends.
“So, how’d they do?” I ask my dad, sliding a glass of sweet tea over to him.
“Not as good as you were, but better than Gabriel was, that’s for sure,” he says laughing, then stopping, realizing what he said. “Charlie, I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay,” I say, putting my sweet tea up to my lips and taking a sip.
“They’re eighteen now, have you thought about reachin’ out to him?” he asks me.
When I got pregnant at eighteen, my father and mother were besides themselves. A good Christian girl having sex before marriage twisted them both into a frenzy, but to have a baby? Forget it.
They tried so hard to keep Gabriel and I from being alone together, but nothing could stop us. We were so engulfed with want for each other, nothing could keep that at bay.
When I confided in them about the pregnancy, they at least knew Gabriel and were good friends with his parents. That cushioned the fall a little bit, until the shit hit the fan.
“I can’t daddy,” I say sternly. “Last I heard, he got in a bar brawl and Houston dropped him a couple years ago. God even knows where he is now. It would break my heart and the kids, and they just don’t need that in their life right now, they’re doin’ just fine. If they ask, then okay. I’m not ignorin’ him or the fact that he exists. It breaks my heart that he’s the way he is or maybe things could have been different...I dunno. I just...the door is always open, and the kids know that, but I ain’t gonna go knock on his door and beg us to be a family,” I say, determination lacing my words.
“Hey, I’m on board just askin’,” he says, lifting up his hands in defense.
“Sorry,” I say, shaking my head, “I just..the twins turnin’ eighteen brings back a lot of memories, that’s all.”
My father puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes.
“I’m so dang proud of you. Have I told you that lately? I know I was harsh throughout the years but, ya did good. Those kids are amazin’ kids and that’s all you Honey Bear.”
I smile at the childhood nickname and get up from my chair to walk over and hug him.
“I love you Daddy. Thank you,” I say, my words muffled by his shirt.
He kisses the top of my head and breaks the hug.
“Let me get back home to your mama. Y'all coming over for dinner this weekend?” he asks, as we walk towards the front door.
“Sure are.”
He smiles and walks out the door as I lock it behind him. I go into my room, pull out the box I have under my bed and knock on Bella and Devin’s bedroom door. I hear the music stop from behind the door and Devin opens it.
“What’s up Mama?” he asks.
“I have one more present.”
I walk into their room and sit down on the edge of Bella’s bed, handing her the box. She looks over to me questioningly and opens it. She pulls out the purple and gold hoodie and turns it around.
“Louisiana softball? Was this…”
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “Grandpa Hank and I bought it when we went over to visit, the beginnin’ of my senior year. They offered me the scholarship on the spot, so we went into the gift shop and bought it. Your grandpa was was so excited,” I say smiling, remembering how he lifted me in the air and yelled to all of the campus that his baby girl was playing ball for the Tigers.
“I’m sorry, Mama,” Bella says softly.
I look over to her in confusion.
“What for baby?”
“If we didn’t...if you didn’t have Devin and me, you would have been able to go and play there,” she says, putting the sweatshirt back in the box.
I grab her hand and motion for Devin to come over too.
“Hey!” I say, trying to convey as much conviction as I can, despite my cracking heart. “I love the two of you with all my heart and I do not for one second regret either one of you. Ball is just a game, y'all are my world,” I say, placing my palms on their cheeks.
They both smile at me and nod.
“Besides, I’m almost done with my degree now anyway, even if it took me a little longer. Plus, I still get to play ball with y'all and can still kick ass I might add.”
I wink and Bella scolds me.
“Mama, language!”
We laugh, and I reach into the box to pull out the sweatshirt for Devin. He frowns at it and looks up at me.
“Dad's?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you would want it or not but...I used to wear it sometimes, ya know, before everything,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “A little piece of your dad, if ya want it.”
He shakes his head and puts it back in the box.
“Thank you Mama, I appreciate it. But...I’d rather just wait and get my own stuff when we get there,” he says strongly.
I nod and take the box and get up from the bed.
“DJ,” I hear Bella whisper.
“No, it’s okay Bells. I get it Dev, I do. I shouldn’t have…”
“Mama…” Devin says letting out a breath. “I’m sorry,” he says, coming over and giving me a hug.
I fiercely grab onto my composure, careful not to cry in front of the kids. They’ve never seen me break down before and damn if I am going to break now, after eighteen years.
“I don’t think of him as my father, Mama. You raised us by yourself. You are the one that has made us who we are, he has no part in this. Why would I want a piece of somethin’ from someone, that abandoned the best woman that I know?” he says, with more maturity than an eighteen year old should have.
“I know baby,” I say, ruffling his hair. “I’ll toss it. Forget I even brought it up. I’ll get you a brand new one when we go in a couple of weeks,” I say smiling.
He smiles back, and I blow them both kisses as I leave the room.
I head towards my bedroom and sink to the floor next to my bed. I lean my head against the bed and let out a breath. Hot tears start to stream down my face and I can’t stop them. Memories of my belly growing big with the twins, labor, middle of the night feedings, preschool pictures, field trips, baseball and softball games, school dances, road tests...all those memories are flashing through my mind like a movie and he missed all of it.
Instinctively, I reach my hand under my bed and feel for the old shoe box. I open the lid and rummage through all the old pictures. Gabriel Gavinwood smiles back at me with his arm protectively over the sixteen year old me.
Pictures of us at prom, on Halloween dressed as zombie ball players, and underneath the big oak tree out by the lake that we used to swim in as kids. Memories of our love, flooding my mind and how strong it was, or how strong I thought it was. I thought we could get through anything. He promised me forever. No matter what life threw us, I knew we would get through it. How wrong I was.
I go into the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth, then I throw on a tank top and boxers and crawl into my bed. I glance at my phone and make sure that the alarms are on for the morning. I go to my contacts and scroll down until I see his name. I never could delete his number, even though it probably has changed over the years.
Despite the time that has passed, the hurt still feels as raw as it did that day, the days after, and the months after, knowing he didn’t want us.
Somewhere in those years, my love for him faded, my love for the twins outshined anything we had. My instinct to protect them at all costs, diminished any teenage love that I had for him. Our lifetime friendship and four year relationship, obviously meant nothing to him. If it did, it would have been harder for him to just walk away from what we had, wouldn’t it?
Did he ever miss me? Wonder what I was doing? Wonder how that day affected my life? Did it even affect his? God, I need sleep. All this thinking and wondering is something I’ve avoided for a long time and there was no use bringing it back to the surface.