Chapter Twelve
AK
I pulled my bike to a stop outside my cabin. I lowered the scarf from my face and wiped two days’ worth of dirt from my cheeks. I kicked my leg off the bike and pounded through the door to my cabin and into the kitchen. “You’re back,” Ash said as he came into the room. I arced my hand to the back of his head and brought him in to my chest.
“You good?”
“Yeah,” he replied nonchalantly, then ducked his head shyly like he always did. I pulled a smoke from my pack and offered one to him. He took it and I lit up, waiting for him to say whatever it was he was building up to.
“I’ve been to Flame’s the past two nights,” he eventually said. I looked up at the little fucker’s face. You’d think my psycho brother had just given this kid the world.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He tried to hide his smile. “I stayed over last night. Madds made up a bed for me in the spare room, before I even had a chance to say I’d just come back here.”
“Flame good with that?”
He nodded. “Even stayed up with me for a bit after Madds had gone to bed. He didn’t say much, but he showed me all his knives. He even had a drink with me.” He shrugged. “We mostly sat in silence, but . . .” He took a deep breath. “It was . . . good. You know?”
“I do,” I said and felt my fucking still-tight chest loosen some. Flame had fucking listened to me, the asshole.
“You get the drop done?” Ash moved to the fridge and pulled me out a beer. I took it, then went to my liquor cabinet for my bottle of bourbon—I needed something stronger. But it wasn’t there. “You took my bourbon?”
“No,” he replied. I raised my eyebrow. “You lying?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’d tell you if I did.” I frowned when I saw my new bottle of Patrón was also missing. “Tequila’s gone too.”
I grabbed the bottle of Jack and took a few sips. I closed my eyes as it burned going down.
“Maybe Vike took it?” Ash offered as I slumped down at the table. “He was around here some when you were gone.” He blushed. “He was pissed you left without him. So was Flame.” I nodded, knowing that would be true. I never went on any drop without Flame and Vike. But . . . shit . . . after the mindfuck that was two nights ago, I needed some alone time on the road.
I got to my feet, about to go shower when my cell vibrated in my pocket. “Fuck!” I snarled. “Can’t I get a fucking minute?”
I opened the screen as I entered my bedroom. There was a text from Ky.
KY: You back yet?
ME: Just.
KY: You might wanna get to the clubhouse. Right the fuck now.
What the fuck had happened? A second text came through.
KY: Your cold-turkey shit seems to have backfired.
I stared at the text, and my stomach lurched.
Phebe.
ME: On my way.
Throwing on a fresh shirt, I flew out of my bedroom, down the hallway and into the kitchen. “I need to get to the clubhouse,” I said to Ash.
The kid jumped up and grabbed the truck’s keys off the counter. “I’ll drive.”
I slammed out of my front door, wondering what the fuck had happened to Phebe. What the hell did Ky mean by “your cold-turkey shit seems to have backfired”?
Ash slid into the driver’s seat and switched on the engine. Clearly sensing my urgency, he gunned it out of our cabins’ clearing and onto the dirt path. “Everything okay?” Ash asked as we raced up the hill.
“No fucking idea,” I replied, my hands fisting on my lap. I tried to think about what the hell Phebe could have been doing in two days. Vike and Flame hadn’t said shit, but then again, those fuckers weren’t speaking to me on account of the fact I took off without them.
We pulled in at the back of the clubhouse. The place was packed—usual weekend shit. Rows of bikes stood outside, and loud music pumped from the main bar.
I smashed through the back door, following the music. The bar was thick with smoke, sluts and drink. I scanned the room and saw a hand waving in the air. Ky was up on his feet in the far corner. I pushed a fuck-ton of hangers-on out of my goddamn way as I plowed to where he stood.
As my path cleared, I saw Styx and Mae around a table. Lilah sat nursing a glass of wine, a fucking horrified look on her face. A chair slammed back, and suddenly Flame was in my face. The brother smashed his hands on my chest and pushed me back. I steadied myself. I knew I’d get this shit from him.
“What the fuck?” he snarled. Maddie reached up to grab his hand. Smiler, Tank and Bull looked on from the next table. Beauty and Letti were watching something across the bar, ignoring Flame. Solomon and Samson—the brothers Rider had brought from the cult—were there too. They always were lately.
I held up my hands. “I get it. You’re pissed.”
Flame’s head twitched in response. I stepped closer. “I just . . .” I shook my head. “Fuck, I just needed to be alone for a couple days. Okay?”
Flame’s focus was on the floor, not meeting my eyes, but I saw his shoulders lose some of their tension. “Don’t do it again. Prick.” He moved out of my way, and I passed him to get to Ky. Styx had appeared by his side.
“Take a fucking look.” Ky pointed across the room. I ran my gaze over every fucker in my way. Then finally, I saw a flash of red hair, and my eyes nearly bulged out of my head.
“What the fuck?” I snapped, stepping to the side to see better. The new angle only caused me to lose even more of my shit. Across the room was Phebe. Only she wasn’t the Phebe I’d rescued from the Klan, nor the bitch that had come to me two nights ago and fucked me better than I’d ever been fucked in my entire life.
This whore in front of me was at the bar, slim arms draped all over some asswipe who was minutes away from meeting the boatman with no fucking coins on his eyes. My hands shook as they formed into fists at my side. Phebe’s hair was loose down her back, washed and fucking beaming red. And it was all curled and shit. Makeup was plastered all over her face, bright-red lipstick on her full lips. But the war paint wasn’t what had me seething. It was what she was wearing that had me nearly bursting a fucking capillary.
She was wearing a flimsy white top that was almost fucking see-through. Her nipples were showing underneath. And it was tied up, showing her flat stomach and perfectly outlining her tits. Her skirt was long, but even from here I could see her legs through the material. And I could see her panties underneath. Or what looked more like a motherfucking thong. She threw her head back, and her laugh rang out even over the pounding rock music.
“Bitch snuck out without us knowing,” Ky said. Styx narrowed his eyes at Phebe making a fucking idiot of herself. Even the club sluts were looking at her as if she was pathetic. “Apparently Beauty came to visit yesterday and told her about the clubhouse on a weekend. Wanted to warn Phebe about what she might find here. Li had told her she could come tonight.” Ky shook his head. “Came to get her, only to find her already gone.” He paused. “As well as the fourth bottle of Jack from my bar this week. Turns out she wasn’t scared of the idea of being here. The bitch wanted it.”
I looked back at Phebe. Fuck, she was trashed. Her arms were still all over the same prick at the bar, but when I looked harder, I could see the bitch could barely stand. She was falling all over, her heavily made-up eyes rolling around in her fucking head.
Then it hit me. “The bourbon and Patrón,” I said out loud. If Ky and Styx were paying me any attention, I didn’t see. “Fuck!” I spat. I thought back to the night she’d fucked me. I’d been drunk myself, but I could remember tasting liquor on her lips.
“She’s turned from smack to spike.” I felt that goddamn trickle of familiarity run down my spine.
Back here again.
“Yeah, and liquor makes that bitch as rabid as fuck,” Ky said. He rubbed a scratch on his cheek. It looked fresh. “My reward for trying to get her the fuck home.” He glanced to Lilah, who was still watching Phebe with worry in her eyes. “Screamed at Li too. Shocked the life outta her.” Ky’s face darkened. “Took all I had not to knock the bitch out and drag her back to our house by her damn hair.”
I snapped my head to Ky. His comment pissed me the fuck off. But he was glaring across the room at Phebe. “Way I see it,” Ky said and shrugged, “is that she’s free and single to fuck whoever the hell she likes. Let her get spit-roasted by every dude here if she wants. I couldn’t fucking care. But Li does.” He tapped me on the back. “Thought seeing as though it was your plan to lock her in your cabin for a week to ground her high ass from chasing the dragon, you might want this job too.” My lips curled at Ky’s shitty expression and Styx’s shit-eating grin. And I’d never tell them so, but damn right I wanted back at this bitch.
She was getting under my skin. And right now she was a fucking knife under my fingernails. A loud crash sounded across the bar, and some guy I didn’t know launched himself at someone else, a half-smashed bottle in his hand, ready to stab it into the other guy’s throat.
Tank and Bull were on their feet in seconds. Bull cracked his neck. “Time to throw out the deadbeats.” Tank flicked his head, and the two massive fuckers plowed into the crowd, Samson and Solomon following behind. I looked around for Phebe, but the woman was nowhere to be found.
“Shit,” I hissed under my breath. I fought my way through the mass of people, looking for the flame-red hair, punching the first fuckwit who got in my way. The more people got in my face, hungering for the fight, the more pissed I became. My fists flew, eager to smash the nose of anyone who dared fuck with me right now.
When I arrived at the far corner of the bar, a hand landed on my shoulder. I turned, livid at whoever dared fucking push me, and saw Tanner with his hands in the air. “Calm the fuck down, ’K.” He raked his hand down his face.
He looked like shit.
“I gotta talk to you,” he said, pushing me outta the way of the growing fight. Dickheads and liquor equaled a fucking weekly bar brawl.
“Not right now.” I tried to push past him.
He got in my path, and it took all I had not to deck the White Prince. “Tanner. Move,” I warned, scanning the room for Phebe. Bitch had vanished. I barged past, but Tanner grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back. I turned and swung, but the brother ducked and grabbed my collar, bringing me in close. “He fucking knows!”
It took all of about three seconds for his words to sink through the noise straight into my head. “Just hacked an email between him and my brother. He’s on the hunt for whoever took his bitch.” He paused. “He’s on the hunt for you.”
“Fuck,” I spat, feeling every ounce of blood in my body ignite into flames.
“Beau told him he didn’t know any of you on the list. I checked the rest of Meister’s server. It didn’t take him long to suspect the Hangmen. Turns out Judah told him all about us. And though it never came from Phebe’s mouth, Meister knows Phebe’s sister is here.” He shook his head. “He knows she’s married to the VP.” He glanced across at Ky, who was watching us like a damn hawk. “He’s gonna come looking.”
“I don’t give a fuck how militarized they are, that gang of rednecks ain’t no match for the Hangmen. Especially when Styx and Ky find out. We’ll have reinforcements here within hours.”
“I agree. Just wanted you to know. Meister referenced you. Carson. He knows you’re an ex-sniper, and the fucker is using every Marine contact he has to work out who the fuck you are. And that cunt is thorough.”
“I know. I fucking met him, remember?” My eyes fell to the outside door. “Go tell Ky and Styx. They’ll figure this shit out.”
Tanner took off across the room. As I reached the back door, Hush and Cowboy were walking through.
Cowboy turned his head in the direction of the bar, and a fucking huge grin spread across his face. “Fuckin’ A,” he purred in his strong Cajun accent. “Got a huge boner for a fight tonight.” Cowboy and his Stetson disappeared into the crowd.
Hush tipped his head toward me. “Ain’t sure, but I’m thinking the bitch we got out of the Klan is in the alley ’bout to fuck some cunt.”
Fire lit in my stomach, and I was out the door quicker than I’d ever fucking moved in my life. Red clouded my eyes—all day, fucking red. My lungs worked hard as I breathed in the warm air and my eyes tracked every part of the alley.
And then I heard it.
That fucking high-pitched moan that had kept me hard for forty-eight hours straight. And that breathy sigh that the bitch made as she’d put her fingers in her cunt and worked herself over until she came.
I slipped my hand into my back pocket, pulled out my switchblade and snapped it ready in my hand. I walked slowly into the alley, all stealth. The light from the clubhouse cast a perfect light on them but kept me hidden in the darkness.
I saw Phebe’s red head slide down the bastard’s body toward the floor. I watched as the bitch looked up at him with those same fuck-me eyes she’d used on me. And I watched, anger building inside me like fucking hellfire. The prick reached into his jeans and pulled out his cock. He pushed forward as Phebe put on her little show. Then his hand was in her hair and he was wrenching her forward. Phebe didn’t even cry out as his fingers almost tore her hair from its roots. The bitch just opened her mouth, waiting for his dick.
And that was all I could fucking take.
I rushed forward and slammed my shoulder into the prick who had his dick just an inch from Phebe. I tackled the shit to the floor and pounded my fist into his ugly face. The fat shit grunted and tried to throw a punch back. I laughed in his face as I dodged it and raised my switchblade high for him to see. He paled, and I stepped back off his body.
A look of relief appeared on his face. What the fucker didn’t know was that I lived for the chase.
He struggled to get up off the ground. One hand scrambled forward as the other fought to stuff his tiny cock back into his jeans. He glanced back, and the relief turned into terror as he saw me stalking slowly toward him.
I laughed.
Leaning down, enjoying seeing the piece of shit trying to get out of the alley, I took my blade and slashed one swipe across his Achilles. The shitbag screamed and clutched his ankle. He looked me in the face. “Messed with the wrong bitch, fucker,” I taunted.
“She wasn’t wearing a ‘property’ cut. Told me she wasn’t with no brother,” he tried to argue, but his words only burned my piss more.
“She ain’t free,” I snarled, not even conscious of the words that came from my lips. Then, driven by an old demon I kept locked the fuck away for everyone’s sake, I drew my blade down and sliced through the hamstring of his other leg. The fucker screamed again. But I didn’t stop. Now that I’d started I couldn’t fucking stop. I’d let this feeling become lost deep inside me, locked away. But the thought of this fucker’s hand on Phebe’s head and his cock approaching her mouth had set the fury free.
I punched his face, over and over, until his face was mangled and my knuckles were split. “Please,” he begged through his coughs. But I just laughed again. Taking hold of his greasy dark hair, I wrenched his head off the ground and brought my blade to his throat. I stared into his eyes and smelled the familiar scent of piss as the coward wet his pants.
The blade pressed into his skin. I was about to strike when two sets of footsteps ran into the alley. “Man down!” I heard Hush shout.
“Why the fuck you trying to end this saleau, mon frère?” Cowboy bent down and lifted the peak of his Stetson to study the future corpse below me. “Whew!” he whistled. “’Bout one swipe from meeting the boatman, hey, mon ami?”
My teeth were clenched together as I held the asshole by his collar. Someone called my name. It was Hush. “Let us take him for you,” he offered. I shook my head, needing to finish this shit’s life right now. But when Hush leaned in closer and said, “Your bitch just entered the bar again. She’s on the hunt for cock, it looks like,” I fucking broke.
I rose with a frustrated growl, dropping the guy to the ground. I tucked my blade back into my pocket and made my way back to the door. I turned to my Cajun brothers. “Dump him or kill him. But if he’s here when I get back, I’ll finish what I started. And I won’t be as kind as I was gonna be.”
People sometimes wondered why Flame, Vike and I were called the Psycho Trio. Vike had his own shit to deal with. Flame? One look at that fucker and it spoke for itself. And me? That asshole right there on the floor, hamstring cut and bleeding out, was why I earned that name. But most of my brothers had no idea of the fucked-up shit I’d done in my past. No idea what kind of shit I could still do. What half the time I wanted to do. And that right there was the true nature of a psychopath: committing an act and having fuck all remorse for the shit you’ve done.
I threw the bar door open and stepped inside. The place was a mess—the aftermath of the fight. The non-brothers had been cleared the fuck out, which gave me a perfect view of Red . . . and the sight cut me even deeper than the shit I just saw outside.
Vike.
Motherfucking Vike!
My legs shook as I stood in the doorway watching Phebe sitting on Vike’s knee at the bar. Her arm was draped over his shoulders, and she was laughing. But it was Vike’s hand that I was looking at. His fucking huge hand was braced on the bottom of her back, her fucking bare back, inching closer to her ass.
Fueled by the anger I’d unleashed outside, I let it take the lead. I stormed across the room, ignoring the sound of Ky calling my name. I grabbed hold of Phebe’s arm and yanked her from Vike’s lap. She cried out in surprise as I shoved her behind me. Vike leaped to his feet, his fuck-off smile beaming right down at me. But I wasn’t seeing my friend right then. I was just seeing his fucking hand on Phebe’s back, her arm around his shoulders.
Seeing fucking red.
I slammed my hands against his chest, and the giant stumbled back. “What the fuck?” he spat, the smile sliding from his face.
“Keep the fuck off her!” I snarled. Vike’s eyes were wide as he glared at me. But I wasn’t done. I came at him again, grabbing his collar and pulling him close to me. “Keep your motherfucking hands off her, or I swear to God you won’t be no brother of mine anymore.”
A hand landed on my shoulder, and I spun round. Flame was there, dark eyes wide and nostrils flaring. I wrestled his hand from me and stormed toward Phebe. I didn’t even give her a chance to react, just took her arm and dragged her from the bar. I passed Ash, whose face was bright white. “Keys,” I demanded as Phebe tried to pull away from me. I held on tight to the bitch. She was pissing me the fuck off.
Ash handed me the keys to the truck, and I left the clubhouse with the whore in tow. I heard the sound of Lilah’s and Mae’s panicked voices. I heard Ky trying to come after me. “AK!” he shouted as I reached my truck. I opened the passenger side door and threw Phebe’s almost-naked ass into the seat. I slammed the door and moved around the hood to the driver’s side. “AK!” Ky shouted again. I rounded on him, prepped for another fucking fight. The VP was looking at me weird. He gave me a wide berth. Good fucking choice. “Where the fuck you think you’re going with her, brother?”
“You texted me to sort this out. So that’s what I’m fucking doing.”
Phebe’s hand came to the driver’s side window and started hammering on the glass. She was shouting some shit I couldn’t decipher, trying to get out, screaming like a fucking banshee. Ky watched her as she almost broke the glass in rage. “You think Li is gonna just be okay with me letting you take her sister?”
“You know how to deal with her like this? You know how to deal with a damn junkie? One who’s insistent on trying to fuck her way through the club, cock by cock?” My patience was running thin. Phebe moved to her ass and started kicking at the window with her feet. I heard the seal break; she was about two seconds from shattering the glass. “You got a kid to worry about now. Let this bitch be my problem.” My jaw clenched, and I felt a blade stab in my chest. “Fuck knows I’ve dealt with shit like this before.”
I didn’t wait for Ky’s response. I opened the door and pushed inside. Phebe’s hands came raining down on me as she tried to fight. Taking hold of her arms, I pushed her down into her seat and met her furious face. “You fucking stay there. Don’t push me, bitch. Don’t fucking push me.”
Her skin was damp with sweat, and she was panting hard. If looks could kill I’d have been ash in seconds. Taking advantage of her brief stillness, I turned on the engine and pulled out of the lot. I hit the dirt path at a stupid speed and focused on getting the hell back to my cabin. It didn’t take the rabid bitch long to attack again. Practically climbing across the console, she sliced her nails down my arms and neck. I kept my eyes on the road, not giving one fuck about the blood she was drawing. The only time I reacted at all was when she sliced four fingers down my cheek.
I pushed her back until she was in her seat, out of breath and eyes glazed from too much fucking liquor. I turned into the clearing and slammed the truck into park. She was out of the passenger side door before I could even move. I flew out of my door and sprinted after her ass as she fled for the trees. I reached her in no time and threw her thin body over my shoulder. Phebe clawed at my back. “Let me go,” she spat, pounding her fists on my shoulder blades.
I opened the door to my cabin and locked us inside. I put her down on the floor. She staggered back as she righted herself. The light from the kitchen was brighter than the bar, and I took a good look at her eyes. The whites were dull and her eyelids were hooded. Black makeup had smudged around her eyes, making her look like a damn raccoon.
“Calm the fuck down,” I ordered.
Phebe’s pale skin reddened as she fumed on the spot. I stood my ground, folding my arms across my chest. Then the bitch struck. Her hand sliced across my face. And this time there was fucking force behind it. My head snapped to the side. I’d had enough. Moving forward, I pushed her back to the wall of the hallway. “I swear to God, bitch, I’ll break you if you do that again,” I hissed, getting right in her face.
She spat at my cheek. “Let me go!” I could smell the liquor on her breath.
“Why, so you can go fuck some greasy asshole? So you can get your pussy filled, like the fucking whore that you are?”
“Yes!” she screamed, fighting against my hold. When she couldn’t get free, she brought her face closer and smiled coldly. “I like to be fucked. I like to come. I like dick, and I love nothing more than having someone stick their cock in my mouth then come down my throat.” The anger that been simmering inside me flared up at the shitty words coming out of her mouth. “And you weren’t so opposed to my pussy the other night,” she taunted. She reached out and bit my earlobe. Bit it fucking hard. I yanked my head back, and she laughed right in my face. “When I had your cock in my mouth, then deep inside of me. I rode you and I made you scream.”
My hands shook on her arms as I battled not to hold her too tight. “You wanna be fucked that bad, slut? You want me rip into you and make you scream?”
“Yes,” she shouted and tore one of her arms free. She didn’t hit me like I thought she would. Instead her eyelids lowered, and she ran her hand down my stomach until it landed at my cock. She met my eyes and I met hers, and we both just fucking froze. Adrenaline and anger mixed in my veins. I heard the clock ticking in my kitchen and the sound of my AC kicking in. I heard Phebe’s too-fast breathing. She stared. I stared. And I wasn’t too sure who moved first, but one minute I was awash with seething anger, about ready to blow my shit and kick her ass, the next, her mouth was on mine and her tits were right against my chest and my dick was hard.
Phebe moaned as I let go of her arm and yanked down her top. Her tits sprang free, and I cupped them in my hands. Phebe’s fingers snapped my jeans open. I broke from her mouth when her hand fisted my cock. “Fuck,” I snapped and lowered my head to take her tit into my mouth. Her free hand wrapped into my hair, pulling at the strands. I sucked on her nipple as her hand stroked up and down my cock.
Her breathing was fast and her skin was slick. I pushed her skirt up to her hips. I tore at the scrap of nothing of her panties, ripping them and flicking the ruined material away. My hand slid along her cunt and through her pussy lips until I met her clit. She cried out into my shoulder, then licked at my neck, lapping at my skin. I closed my eyes when her lips came back on mine and her tongue thrust into my mouth. She groaned and moaned and gasped as I took her fucking mouth, making the bitch forget the asshole from the alley and Vike.
The thought of her fucking with other men made my blood pound even harder through my veins. Pulling my hands from her clit, I bent down and took hold of her legs. Lifting her up was nothing at all. Phebe moaned and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I backed her up against the wall, then in one fast push, slammed inside her wet cunt.
“AK!” Phebe called out as her head tipped back and hit the wall behind her. I was a fucking man possessed as I thrust into her. Phebe brought her hands to my face and held me in place. She stared into my eyes as I worked my hips, biting on my lip at the feel of her hole choking my dick. Her moans were low and long. Her lips met mine. She fucking ate at my mouth, and I swallowed her cries. My hands gripped her thighs tighter as I drove into her. Her nails raked at my skin, but it only pushed me on.
I plowed into her, harder and harder, until I felt her pussy begin to clench. My balls began to ache, and I tore my mouth from hers, tucking my head into her neck. Her cries came louder and louder and her hips rocked faster against mine.
“AK . . .” she said, her voice no longer screaming and mad. Her breathy voice was cracked, losing all its anger. And then she came, breath hitching against my skin. Her hands slipped to the back of my neck, her nails drawing blood. With three more thrusts, I came inside her, jerking, sweat dripping down my back, her back scraping against the wall.
And then it all went quiet.
It was quiet, except for our breathing. Silent enough that I heard her crying before I felt the tears falling down my neck. I heard her crying before I felt her shaking in my arms.
I lifted my head, and Phebe tightened her arms around my neck like I was anchoring her. I blinked, not knowing what the fuck to do. As gently as I could, I brought my hand to her face and moved her head from the crook in my shoulder. Phebe resisted at first, but gave way when I said, “Red. Look at me.”
Her cheeks were flooded with tears, the pale skin marked with black from her eye makeup. Her red lipstick was smudged across her face. Her tits were out of her ruined top, and her hair was a mess.
She was breaking my goddamn heart.
“They will let me see her now,” she slurred quietly. “If I am successful, they will let me hold her hand.”
What the . . . ?
I brushed the tears off her cheeks with my thumb. She took hold of my hand with her shaking fingers and brought it to her lips, and I felt as though I’d taken a punch to the face. She stared at the broken skin on my knuckles from the fight, kissed over the smear of blood—I didn’t know if it was mine or belonged to someone else.
She dropped my hand and gazed at the floor. I stared at her downturned head, and fuck if I didn’t hold her that much tighter.
She was broken.
Lost.
Her words from earlier in the week circled my head. I didn’t know how long I stayed against the wall, just holding her. But eventually all the liquor she’d consumed took its toll, and her forehead fell onto my shoulder. Her breathing evened out, and she fell asleep.
I pulled out from inside her and fastened up my jeans with one hand. Phebe shifted in my arms, but she didn’t wake. I carried her through to my bedroom and laid her down on my bed. I pulled the comforter over her almost-naked body. When I looked down at her looking like some fucked-up lost whore, a piece of me died. The sleeves of her top were ripped, showing her scars from the needles. And now we were out of the bar, I could smell the scent of liquor evaporating in waves off her skin.
I pulled off my shirt and cut and tossed them to the floor. As I walked into the bathroom I caught my reflection in the mirror, and I froze. The skin on my cheeks, neck, chest and upper back was scratched to fuck and red with blood. Phebe’s lipstick was smeared across my face. My eyes were dark, and as I took a step forward, I was no longer looking at AK, a brother of the Hangmen. Looking right back at me was Xavier Deyes, sniper in the Marines, Special Ops. I knew this fucker and regarded him with nothing but hate. This fucker lived with death in his eyes.
And I thought I’d put him to bed years ago.
Clearly Red could nudge him awake.
Frustrated, not wanting to see his face, I clenched my fist and slammed it into the glass. It shattered in my sink, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. My chest tightened, the lack of the breath I couldn’t catch creeping up on me like a weight bearing down on my ribcage.
I backed up to the tub and sat on the edge. My hands were shaking. My always-steady sniper hands couldn’t be calmed. I dropped my head forward, and a barrage of images came racing forward. Blood and screams and anger. Anger that burned so hot and bright it transformed me. Then helplessness, sadness, and motherfucking guilt. So much guilt that I could taste its bitterness on my tongue.
Forcing myself to get my shit together, I stood and wiped the lipstick off my mouth with my forearm and wiped the blood off my knuckles into my jeans. I soaked a towel in water and went back to the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I started wiping the black and red off Phebe’s face. As the makeup gave way to her pale skin and freckles, I couldn’t help but relax a little. Fuck knows why she would ever cover up those freckles. I cleaned her face until there was nothing left but her.
Phebe.
I dressed her in my sweat pants and clean black Hangmen shirt and covered her back up. For twenty minutes I stared down at her, sleeping. I thought of all the liquor she’d stolen this week and realized that since she’d last been here, screaming and smashing up my room as she came off the heroin, she hadn’t been sober.
“What is it you can’t face?” I asked her as I leaned over where she lay. She didn’t wake, and I didn’t want her to. Like this, she was at peace. Awake? It seemed she was just as fucked as me.
“Sleep.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead. Her pale skin was cool under my lips.
I took my smokes from my back pocket and headed out of the door. Leaning against the outside wall of the cabin, I dropped down to my ass. I kept my head down as I took drag after drag of my smoke.
I sat in silence, just fucking thinking. Thinking about shit I never wanted to think about again. The only time I stopped was when I heard feet move into the clearing. I heard the low murmur of voices, then a door close.
I sensed them standing before me, so I lifted my head. Vike and Flame were staring at me. I saw Ash go into Flame’s cabin with Maddie, leaving me and my brothers alone.
I leaned my head back against the wall and stared at them both. Flame was rocking on his feet. And fuck if that didn’t make me feel even more guilt. He was looking at me like he didn’t know me.
Lost.
Confused.
Suddenly, all I could see was the young Flame from years ago, in that nuthouse, in the bed opposite my brother. And I could see his black eyes as he watched Vike and me break in, his stare as dead and still as his body as he lay in that damn bed. His frame was thin and his arms were tied down. He had about as much life as Devin had had. And when I’d seen him look at me, actually look into my eyes, I’d had to help him.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. The brother froze. His gaze dropped to the ground, and his eyes moved from side to side, thinking over what I’d said. “I . . .” I didn’t know how to say it. “My head . . .” I breathed deep. “It’s . . . it’s fucked up right now.”
“We’re your brothers,” Flame said. I knew that was him asking why the fuck I’d turned on them. “You’re my . . . my . . . ” He was struggling with what to say. But I knew. I was his family, the one that got him here. And I’d never let him down before.
But by the ache in my gut, I knew I’d let him down now. I swore I never would. Especially not Flame. He didn’t know how to deal with that shit.
“Never again,” I promised. His tight face slackened with relief. I looked at Vike. “I fucked up.” Vike shook his head and walked to my side. He sat down beside me. Flame came and sat on my other side.
“I didn’t know you were into the bitch.” Vike stared straight across the clearing. “I wouldn’t have gone near her if I did. Thought you just wanted her safe.”
“I know,” I said, feeling completely drained of energy.
“She makes you different,” Flame said in his usual emotionless tone. “She makes you like you were before.” I winced, knowing that Flame only ever spoke the truth. I winced because I knew it was true.
“She reminds you of . . . all that, doesn’t she?” Vike said, not a note of humor in his voice.
“I never forgot it,” I said, admitting it for the first time. “Just managed to bury that shit deep enough that it didn’t show. It . . . it was always gonna resurface at some point.”
“You see it all when you’re with her?” Flame said.
“Yeah.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I sighed and flicked my smoke to the floor. “I’m tired. I’m just so tired of never sleeping. Never closing my eyes because of the shit I see when I do. Of being unable to think of anything in my past because I can’t fucking deal . . .”
Vike gripped my shoulder and squeezed. I dropped my head so I didn’t break down like a pussy. “I’m gonna take her to the lodge,” I said. I felt Vike stiffen.
Flame hissed through his teeth. “No—”
“Yes,” I argued. “She needs to get away and get clean for good. She needs to deal with all her shit away from here. Even from her sister. I saw it her eyes. She’s fucking lost. And she won’t cope if she stays here.”
“You ain’t been back to that lodge since . . .” Vike said.
“I know. But it’s private and it will be good for her. Isolated.”
“We’re coming.” Flame went to move, no doubt to get Madds. I knew better than to reach out and pull him back.
“No,” I said. He turned back to me, his muscles tense. “I’m going alone.”
“But—”
“Flame. I am. This . . .” I shook my head. “Fuck, brother, I need it too. I . . .” I inhaled deeply. “I’m gonna break if I don’t. I . . . I can feel it happening again. I ain’t got the strength to stop it anymore.”
“I don’t like it,” he said roughly.
“I know.”
“When you going?” Vike asked.
“Now.” I pushed to my feet. The door to Maddie’s cabin opened, and Ash stepped out for a smoke. Immediately, his worried eyes fell on me. I flicked my chin and said, “Get the fuck here, kid.”
Ash made his way over, hands in his pockets. I put my hand on the back of his head and pulled him in. “I was a dick,” I said and kissed his head.
I let him go, and he looked up at me. “It’s all right.”
“It ain’t. I just lost it, kid. Shouldn’t have happened.” I glanced back at Flame and Vike. “I’m going away for a while. Look after the cabin for me, yeah?”
“Sure.” Ash paused, then asked, “For how long?”
“Don’t know. As long as I need to.”
I took the truck’s keys from my pocket and threw them at Ash. “Check the oil and shit for me, kid, would you? I’m leaving soon.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Ash walked away. “Tanner said something to me tonight,” I said to Vike and Flame. “Meister knows it was us. Or suspects it. Tanner thinks there could be shit coming to our door.”
“Fuck,” Vike said. He nodded. “We’ll look into it.”
I made my way back to my cabin to gather my shit and get Phebe. “I’ll catch you when we’re back.” In fifteen minutes I had my bag packed and in the truck. I went back to the bedroom, lifted Phebe up in my arms and carried her outside. I laid her down on the seat and got in the driver’s side. Vike and Flame came to my door.
“You call if you need us, yeah?” Vike said.
“Yeah.”
I nodded at Flame. I knew he wasn’t happy. Then I pulled away from the clearing, out of the compound and onto the road. I kept the music off as Phebe slept. Thirty minutes in, she shifted in her sleep, her hand spreading out to lie across my thigh. I looked down at her hand, at her fingers lying open. I didn’t know what the fuck came over me, but I moved one of my hands from the wheel and threaded my fingers through hers.
Her hands looked tiny and frail wrapped in mine. And for the first time in days, I took what felt like a real fucking breath.
And I gripped on to her as we drove closer to the lodge.
Where too many demons waited.
So I just fucking held on.