Chapter Sixteen
AK
“Hello,” Phebe said as I opened my eyes. She was still lying beside me where we had fallen asleep last night. My eyes felt like they’d taken one hell of a beating. My throat was raw, and I was exhausted.
“Hey.” I glanced down to see her hand still in mine. I flinched when I stared directly at a ray of light coming through the crack between the curtain and the window. “It’s morning?” I ran my hand over my bare chest. I must have taken my shirt off in the night.
“It is afternoon.” She smiled. “We slept the entire morning and night.” Her smile left her lips, and she lifted her free hand and ran it down my face. “How are you feeling?”
“Rough,” I said. Phebe was looking at me, clearly wanting me to say more. I stretched out my neck and thought of last night. Of everything I had confided. I waited for the usual tight chest. The shame and the guilt. And it was there. I was sure it would never go away. But today it was . . . less. “Better,” I said and meant it. “A little better.”
Her eyes softened. “Good.” She kissed my hand again. “I have been thinking while you slept.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded. “I think . . . I think we were meant to find each other, AK. I think we were meant to find each other, to leave hell together.” I didn’t reply. I had no words. “I think that no solution is quick, and no remedy will magically make our pain drift away. I believe that we must go through this pain we are feeling in order to move on. And I believe whatever God or greater power exists above us brought us together so we may heal together. Heal the other in a way that no other person ever could.” Her eyes dipped, and a fuck-off blush coated her freckled cheeks. “At least that is what I have been considering.” She laughed a single laugh. “But that could be me just being silly.”
“No.” I put my hand under her chin. I lifted her face, waiting until those shy eyes were back on me. “I think you’re right, Red. I think you could be fucking right.” A beaming smile lit up her face. “What?”
“Red,” she said with a sigh. “I like it when you call me Red.”
“Yeah?”
A nod. “Yes.”
I shuffled closer and closer until my nose touched her nose and my lips hovered over hers. “You know what I like?” She shook her head. “Your lips, on mine.”
She swallowed and pressed a hand on my chest. The minute her hand met my skin, my cock stirred in my jeans.
“You do?” she asked softly.
I ran my teeth over my bottom lip. “Mm . . .” I leaned in and brushed my lips over hers until I heard a moan from her mouth. I ran my hand up her bare arm to the thin strap of her nightgown. Her skin bumped at my touch, and I smiled at all the freckles covering her body.
“AK,” she murmured and closed her eyes.
“Red?”
“Kiss me,” she begged. I pushed my hand into her hair.
And I fucking kissed her.
My lips stung, the after-effects of the fucking crying. My lips—and hers—were swollen, but I sure as fuck wasn’t pulling back and neither was she. My tongue pushed through into her mouth, and she moaned.
I wasn’t hurried. I wasn’t fast. Being with her, like this, was different. No bitch had ever known me, not like this. No one had ever known everything about my demons—not even Vike and AK knew how bad the terrors had gotten.
But Red did. And I knew her. Knew of her abuse. The kid. The same guilt and shame that ran though my veins ran through hers too. I broke from Phebe’s mouth, and she gasped for breath. I didn’t stop. I tracked my lips down her neck, pushing her red hair back on the pillow. The two of us took up every inch of this narrow bed, but I liked it. She was here, under me, beside me, and no matter where she or I moved, the other was there.
I shifted on top of her, moving her underneath my body. My arms flexed on either side of her head as I looked down at her. Her blue eyes were wide, the pupils blown. “Fucking beautiful.” I pushed the remaining strands of hair from her face.
“AK,” she said, and her hushed voice seemed to hold a note of surprise. Her cheeks were flushed, but I could still see her freckles underneath the pink. And then it hit me. She had been whored out, probably been fucked in more ways than most bitches would ever see in a lifetime. But when it came to this, slow, meaning more than seducing and coming, she was fucking lost.
Like this, she may as well have been a virgin. Fuck, me too. Ain’t ever taken a bitch like this, face to face, eye to eye. Ain’t ever taken a bitch with honesty laid down between us, nothing left unsaid.
And ain’t ever took a bitch I liked.
Fuck . . . I liked Phebe.
“You . . . you are beautiful too.” She smiled shyly and nervously put her hand on my face. She’d said her daughter had been beautiful and shy. I wondered if she hadn’t been brainwashed and groomed until she was a man’s wet dream, if she’d have been shy too. Fuck, she had beauty in spades. And right now, she was as nervous as hell.
Bending down, needing to feel her mouth on mine, I kissed her, quickly breaking away to kiss down her neck. Phebe’s hands wrapped in my hair as I carried on further south—over her collarbone and down until the neckline of her nightdress got in my way. Glancing back up at her, making sure she wanted this, I lifted the hem of her dress and slowly brought it up, baring her legs, her pussy, her stomach and eventually her tits. When she didn’t protest, I brought it over her head and threw it to the ground. I sat back on my heels and looked down at her on the narrow bed. Her skin was bright white, but perfect. My hands landed on her calves, then traced up over her thighs, over her hips, along her stomach until they reached her tits. Slowly and gently, I ran my fingers over the flesh until I reached her nipples. She exhaled a quick breath as the pads of my thumbs ran over her flesh. I met her gaze. Her swollen lips were parted. Her back arched as I touched her, explored her body. But best of all, her nervous eyes, when they locked on me, calmed and settled.
“You good, Red?” A small smile pulled on her lips and she nodded.
“Good.” I lowered my head and circled the tip of my tongue around her nipple. Phebe moaned and shifted on the bed. I palmed her tit, then sucked the full bud into my mouth. My cock slammed against the fly of my jeans. She tasted fucking perfect. So I took more. I sucked and licked until she started pulling on my hair, silently begging for more.
Breaking from her tits, the flesh now wet and red, I licked down her torso to her stomach. My hands stayed on her hips, keeping her in place. “AK,” she murmured over and over. I stopped between her legs. My thumbs stroked down from her hips and along the top of her thighs. “Please,” she begged as her legs spread wider and she bared her pussy for my eyes.
Her eyes were hooded, and she was biting on her lip. “Gonna lick you, Red,” I said, my voice deep and raw. Her eyes closed, and a groan slipped from her throat. “You want that?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “Please . . .”
Needing no more permission than that, I shuffled down the bed until my chest pressed against the mattress and my feet moved off the end. I braced my elbows down, and parting the lips of her pussy with my thumbs, leaned forward and licked a long stripe from her hole to her clit. Phebe’s hips jerked from the bed, and I had to press them down to keep her place. Her moans were long and just as sweet as her pussy as I did it again, and again. I sucked her clit into my mouth, feeling it swell.
“AK,” she murmured. “I cannot take it . . . it feels . . . it feels . . .” I stopped and lifted my head. Her desperate eyes met mine, her cheeks beaming red. “Perfect,” she said. Her hand reached down and ran along my cheek. “So, so perfect.” I saw the tears build in her eyes. I saw her looking down at me like no bitch had ever looked at me before. So I licked her again. I sucked her clit slowly, carefully, listening as she began to lose her breath. Her hands tightened in my hair as I felt her clench around my tongue. Then she stilled, and a loud cry came from her chest and filled up the room. I didn’t stop. I was addicted to her taste as she came into my mouth. I lapped at her pussy until her hand pushed me away.
I stood and shucked off my jeans as I watched Phebe depleted on the bed, gasping for breath. Her long hair was splayed on the pillow, wild and untamed.
I kicked my jeans aside and stroked along my hard cock. Phebe lay still and just watched me as I slowly climbed over her, gently dragging my hand over her bare skin as I did. I walked my hands up the mattress until they landed on either side of her head. I stared down at her face, not saying a thing. I just wanted to look at her, like this. No bullshit temptress shit. No talk of cocks and fucking and wanting to take me. Just her, like this, nervous and shy and fresh from coming under my tongue.
“Christ,” I growled and pushed my tongue into her mouth. Phebe’s hands wrapped around my neck and she pulled me close, like the bitch couldn’t let me go. I didn’t want her to. I was fine just where the fuck I was.
Using my knees to spread her legs, I slipped my hips down until my cock ran over her wet pussy. I groaned as I drank her moans. Phebe broke from my mouth and just fucking breathed.
“Want you, Red,” I said, my voice rough.
“I . . . want this,” she said.
Pulling my head back, so I could see her eyes, I said, “I wanna take you. Wanna take this pussy, this fucking bruised soul and this heart. You good with that?”
Phebe’s lips shook, and tears filled her eyes. My fucking throat thickened at the sight.
“Yes,” she said with a watery laugh, pushing a smile on her lips. “I want that.” Her head lifted and she kissed my lips. “Take me,” she said against my mouth.
Groaning, I pushed forward, my cock slipping inside her, inch by inch, until I hit home and bottomed out. “Fuck!” I hissed as her pussy wrapped around me. Phebe’s head fell back on the pillow, and her fingers tightened on the nape of my neck. I buried my face into her neck, inhaling her sweet scent as I moved my hips.
My back and arm muscles flexed as I rocked into her, back and forth. Slow, and unhurried. Our breathing was deep and labored. Phebe’s hands fell from around my neck, and a breathy moan came from her mouth. I lifted my head. I needed to see her face. I needed her to know who was taking her. I needed to watch her eyes.
I swallowed when I saw them. I fucking almost broke again when I saw them, brimming with tears, slow drops falling down her cheeks as I kept moving gently, filling her over and over again, calmly, fucking softly. “AK,” she mouthed silently. Her lashes were wet, and her lips were shaking.
I felt her pussy walls clenching my dick and moved my hips faster. But I never moved my eyes from hers and she didn’t move hers from me. My breathing stuttered when I saw a flash of redness travel down her neck and over her chest. Her hips rocked against mine, and fuck, it felt incredible. She wound her fingers in my hair, then slipped them down to gently cup my cheeks. Her lips parted. I felt her pussy clamp down as she came with a long, soft moan. The feel of her coming, the sight of her face, and those fucking hands on my cheeks saw me following behind. My hands balled into fists as I came, thrusting into her. I stilled, groaning, but never moving my eyes from hers. She stroked my cheeks as I relaxed my arms and caught my breath.
I kissed her then, tasting the salt from her tears in my mouth, on my tongue. I kissed her and kissed her until I had no choice but to break away and take a breath. I pressed my forehead to Phebe’s and closed my eyes. I had no idea what we to call what we had just done, but it wasn’t just fucking.
As if reading my mind, Phebe whispered, “Making love.” I reared back so my face was hovering just an inch from hers. Her eyes were wide and searching. “That was it, was it not? That was . . . making love?” I swallowed, not knowing what the fuck to say to that. Love . . .? “I had heard talk of it before, but never believed it could be true.” She smiled, her bottom lip trembling. I wanted nothing more than to fucking hold the bitch and tell her everything would be okay. “It has never been like that before, not for me. This was different. I, with you, am different. I . . .” She thought for a moment. “I am at peace.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Does that make sense? That you bring me peace?”
“Yeah,” I said and, as I watched her face, I realized she did the fucking same to me. “You give me peace too.” By her huge smile, you’d think I’d just told her I was the answer to all her prayers. Fuck, I was starting to wonder if she would become the answer to mine.
Phebe traced the lines of my tattoos, then fucking blew me apart when she said, “What if this is simply the dark before the sun?”
“What?”
“What if we are being held in midnight, AK? Both of us locked in the dark of our pasts. Together. And maybe we must endure the darkness for a while.”
I swallowed, eyes fixed on hers.
“But then, one day will come the sunrise. The darkness will end, and the sunlight will pour in. Sunrise, AK. Just imagine.” She smiled and nearly broke my fucking heart. “We can chase the sunrise together. We can be the sunrise . . . together.”
“Yeah,” I said, unable to get the word ‘sunrise’ from my head. I wanted that. I wanted the fucking sunrise. I wanted the sunrise with Red.
“AK?” She pushed my hair behind my ear. “Can we stay here longer?”
“Yeah,” I said, knowing we had another week we could kill.
“Good.”
So I made love to her again before we fell asleep.
And not a single nightmare came calling.
*****
I woke, alone, blinking in the dark of the evening. Still feeling raw from last night, from actually sharing my fucked-up past with someone, I walked out of the bedroom. The cupboard had been packed away and closed—but without the lock. The spilled food had been cleaned up. But it was the center wall that had me losing my fucking breath.
Two pictures.
Two pictures hung on the wall, held up by small nails.
Zane and Devin in one, and Tina, Dev, Zane and me in the other. I didn’t hear her step beside me, but her hand came around my waist from behind, and she pressed a kiss to my bare shoulder blade. “They deserve to be shown,” she said softly, then moved to the counter. She took something in her hands and brought it to me. I tried to see what it was, but she was on her tiptoes and threading something over my head before I could. It smelled clean, whatever it was. And when I felt the familiar feel of metal against my skin, I knew.
Devin’s dog tags.
My heart beat too fast, and I didn’t dare look down. “They boasted your brother’s name. They fell out of the cupboard when I was putting everything back.” She paused. “I do not think that happened by chance. I think it meant that you were meant to have them, wear them, proudly.” I couldn’t speak, but almost fell apart when she said, “You were not to blame for what happened. You must begin to forgive yourself, or how else will you move on?”
“And you?”
She smiled weakly. “I will endeavor to accept this too. I replay the memories of each time I saw her in my mind. There are not enough. I should have more, but I am beginning to understand that that was robbed from me. And . . .” She took a deep breath. “And not my doing.”
“I’m fucking proud of you.”
Her eyes fell. “Thank you.” Looking up through her long lashes, she said, “I am proud of you too.” And fuck, I didn’t expect the blow that compliment dealt.
Phebe walked over to the picture of Zane and Devin. “He looks like you and your brother.” She smiled. “More like you.”
“Yeah,” I said roughly, still unused to talking about them all like this. “That’s what Dev and Tina used to say. A mini-me.”
“I wonder what he looks like now,” she mused, then moved back to the kitchen.
I walked outside and started a fire in the fire pit. I sat down in the reclining chair and tipped my head to the sky. Looking at the stars with Devin’s dog tags around my neck, I wondered what Zane’s life had been like. I wondered if he loved Claire and Tom like parents. I wondered if he remembered much of his mom and dad . . . I wondered if he remembered me. I wondered if he liked bikes, like me and his dad always did. My stomach sank . . . I wondered if he hated Dev for what he did. I wondered if hated me.
“AK?” Phebe came outside, carrying something in her arms. Her face was bright and excited as she laid it on the ground. “What is this?”
I leaned forward to see Dev’s old vinyl player. “It plays music,” I said, remembering how Styx and Ky had said the cult bitches didn’t know shit about technology.
“It does?” she said, and her face lit up like Christmas. I couldn’t help but smirk. Her hand ran over the record player and she sighed. “When we used to go out and recruit, when we fished the men, we always had one purpose. To seduce them. But I had a secret.”
My eyebrow rose in question.
“I loved to dance.” She shrugged. “The brothers that took us eventually let me do it, as they said it made the men want me more. But I did not do it for them. When the music played, I lost all my worries. I lost . . . myself . . .” She laughed and shook her head. “I am a silly woman.”
I got up from my seat and went back into the lodge. I found an extension cord and brought it to the player. Phebe watched me curiously as I switched it on and it crackled to life. I moved the pin and couldn’t help but huff out a laugh when a familiar song burst through the speakers.
Phebe gasped when the music filled the air around us. “What is it?”
I made my way back to my seat, rubbing the back of my neck. “Bowie. ‘Heroes.’” I paused. “Dev’s favorite song. He used to play this song on repeat.” So I had put it on repeat too.
Phebe closed her eyes and swayed to the beat. Her white off-the-shoulder dress swung around her legs. Her long red hair hung in loose waves, brushing against her freckled skin as she moved.
She smiled and got to her feet. Completely lost in her own world, she lifted her arms in the air and her body swayed to the beat. Her hips moved to the rhythm of the song. . . and I couldn’t fucking look away.
I lay back on the reclining seat, keeping my eyes fixed on her as she let Bowie’s words dictate her movements. And I saw it. I saw why man after man would be sucked in by her. The smile on her lips widened as she danced, her pale skin looking bright white against the firelight. And then she opened her eyes. She opened those fucking perfect blue eyes and they landed straight on me.
She took hold of the hem of her knee-length dress and swayed the material in her hands as she came toward me. And fuck, but she seduced me. Bitch was dancing for me, and I knew this was just her. No tricks, no training, this was her feeling the beat and doing what she fucking wanted.
Hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.
The track ended, then came back to life. She laughed when she realized it was on repeat, completely giving herself over to what she loved. Not thinking about her kid, or Lilah’s face. About Meister or the fucked-up hell she’d come from.
Her gaze locked on mine as she danced in my direction. She lifted her leg and straddled my lap. Her arms looped around my neck, and she tipped her head back, exposing her long pale neck. Her shoulders kept the beat, and her hips ground against me. I hardened in an instant. She felt it, I could tell, because when her eyes lowered, they were leaden. Reaching down, I pulled my cock from my jeans and lifted up her hips. I placed my tip at her pussy and guided her back down. Phebe’s moans were drowned by the music. But she kept moving to the beat, my hands running all over her body. I watched her as she danced, as she took me.
She danced and she danced until she came, taking me over the edge with her. Her head fell forward on my shoulder, and she laughed. I tipped my head back, catching my breath. “I like this song,” Phebe said breathlessly.
I nodded and smirked. “I always did. Like it even more now.”
She giggled. “I like these lyrics. The talk of being heroes.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder. Her head kept time to the beat as Bowie sang about heroes seven more times. “Phebe?” She lifted her head. Her eyes were tired, but they were so fucking alive. “You’re moving in with me when we get back. You ain’t going back to Li’s. You belong with me.”
Red eyebrows rose in shock, but then a fucking melting smile came on her lips. “I belong with you,” she said and lay back on me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
Making love, she’d called our fucking. I thought about that, running over the words in my head.
And fuck, bitch was right.
She’d hooked me in, I’d taken the bait, but unlike the other unlucky bastards, she was never leaving me . . . because I’d hooked her in too.
For good.