Chapter Twenty-Two
Flame
I left Vike’s place and walked to my cabin. I opened the door and saw Ash sitting on the couch, staring at the unlit fire.
He didn’t even look up when I shut the door. His face was pale and his hands were clasped together on his lap. I heard Maddie in the kitchen. I walked past Ash, but he still didn’t look up. When I got to the kitchen, Maddie turned. Her face was strange.
She was worried.
She held her hands out. I took them with mine and pulled her into my chest. Maddie’s arms wrapped around my waist. I inhaled her scent and closed my eyes. “How is Phebe?”
“At AK’s,” I said. “But she hasn’t woken up yet.”
“And Sapphira?”
“Alive.”
Maddie stepped back and put her hand on her forehead. “What a mess. Everything is a mess. Grace is okay. She is shaken and scared, but Lilah and Ky are with her.” Maddie’s eyes shimmered. “She was so young to have that happen to her. And Sapphira.” My bitch took a took breath. “I . . . I know what her life was like. Being forced into that kind of servitude.”
“Maddie,” I growled, unable to stop the fucking burning in my veins at the thought. But her eyes went to Ash on the couch.
“He is young too.” She looked back to me. “I do not know what has happened. He would not say.”
“He killed someone today. He saved AK’s life.”
Maddie’s lips parted in shock. Her face paled, and she looked at Ash again. “No wonder he is so lost.” She wiped a tear from her eye then faced me again. She took my hand. “You must speak to him.”
I felt ice fill my chest. “I don’t know what the fuck to say.”
Maddie stepped closer until she was up against my body. Her hand came onto my chest. “Flame, you have been there. You have lived this life. Which means you have been in this position.” She paused. “What happened to you? How did you cope with it?”
“AK,” I said, thinking back to my first kill. It was a Diablo. We had been on a run when we were attacked. I stabbed the fucker right in the heart. I stabbed him and watched him die. “AK sat me down, gave me a whiskey and told me I would never feel that way again. Feel bad at taking life. That it would get easier.”
“And did it work?”
“I didn’t feel bad in the first place,” I said and watched Maddie freeze, then nod her head. “I liked it. It made the flames in my blood not burn so bright.”
Maddie reached up and brought my head down to hers. She kissed my mouth. Then she took my hand. “But Asher is not like you, Flame. I can see from here that he feels this moment heavily in his heart. I think he is in shock. He keeps staring at his hands.” Maddie kissed my fingers. Bumps broke out on my skin. “He needs you, Flame. He needs his brother.”
My heart started beating too fast. “I don’t know what to say. I’m shit with this stuff. I’ll just wait until Phebe is better and AK is back. He’ll talk to him.”
“He does not want AK,” Maddie said and put my hand over her heart. “He wants you. He only ever wants you.” Maddie smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was sad. I didn’t like her being sad. “Asher came straight here, Flame. About an hour ago, when you were still at the clubhouse. Here, Flame. Not Viking’s. He did not pine for AK. He came to our home. For you. His brother.” A tear ran down Maddie’s cheek. “He came where he felt safe. You made him feel safe.”
I wiped the tear from her eye and felt my stomach tighten. I held out my hand. “I put my hand on his shoulder.”
Maddie gasped. “When?”
“Afterwards. He was being weird. I put my hand on his shoulder, then I rode next to him all the way home.”
Maddie’s bottom lip shook. “You protected him. Looked after him.”
“Did I?” I furrowed my brow. “I made sure he got home. Made sure he rode AK’s bike straight. His hands were shaking bad.”
Maddie smiled as she cried. And this one was a good smile. “He needs you, Flame.” Maddie hugged me again, and I kissed the top of her head. “You see this?” she asked. “This embrace?”
I held her close, confused. “Yeah.”
“Asher may need one too.”
I fucking froze, every muscle in my body tight. “I can’t.”
“You can,” she said, then looked up. I looked down into her green eyes. “Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort.”
“Maddie . . .”
Maddie pulled back and walked to a cupboard. She took out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. She poured two glasses—just like AK had done for me years ago. She brought them to me. “You remember what AK said to you?” I nodded. I remembered every word. “Then take one of these to Asher and tell him the same. It will help him. I promise.” I took the glasses from Maddie. “I will be waiting for you in our bedroom.”
“Maddie . . .” I said again, not sure I could do it.
“I love you.” She went into the bedroom, leaving me alone with Ash.
The whiskey in the glasses sloshed from side to side. I frowned, seeing my hands were shaking. You remember what AK said to you? I thought of Maddie’s words then walked toward my brother.
He didn’t lift his head until I sat on the couch beside him. I looked into the fire too. Nothing to see but burnt ashes. Clenching my jaw, I thrust out my hand in Ash’s direction. “Here,” I said, holding out a glass of whiskey.
Ash didn’t do shit for ages, but then he took the glass from my hand. His fingers touched mine. They were ice cold. They were shaking.
I heard his breathing. It was weird, stuttered and low. I glanced to the side and saw his head was down. He held the whiskey in his hands, not drinking. “Drink,” I said. Ash looked up. His cheeks were pale as fuck, and his fucking eyes were wet. Tears were running down his face. My gut twisted. I didn’t know why. I pointed at the whiskey again. “Drink.”
He didn’t. Just sat there, looking at me with tears running down his face.
I knew I’d be shit at this. I told Maddie I couldn’t do it.
You remember what AK said to you?
I closed my eyes and remembered AK that day. I remembered what he did, like Maddie said. I just had to tell Ash what AK told me.
AK had started by putting his hand on my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hand. I clenched my fingers in a fist. I could do this. I could touch Ash.
I had to.
Reaching out my hand, fighting the urge to pull it back, I put it on Ash’s shoulder. It felt fucking weird. I wanted to pull back, but I imagined Maddie’s green eyes. Imagined her smile as I did it. Ash swallowed and met my eyes. I wanted to look away, but I fought the need and repeated—word for word—what AK had said to me. “Come on, Ash. You need a drink.”
Ash’s mouth was open a little, and he looked at my hand on his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. I didn’t think he was gonna do shit, but then he brought the whiskey to his mouth and took a sip.
“All of it.” I downed my own. The liquor burned my throat. But it made things better.
Ash finished his too, then wiped his cheeks with his forearm.
“It gets easier,” I said, saying AK’s words to Ash in exactly the same way he’d said them to me. “From this moment on, it becomes second nature and don’t bother you as much. I promise.”
Ash blinked, blinked again. “I just keep picturing his face as he stared up at me from the ground.” My teeth gritted together. “He had brown eyes. I keep seeing his fucking brown eyes, Flame.”
“He was scum. He deserved to die. And you saved AK.” A weird pain pulled in my chest at the thought of AK being killed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t fucking like it.
Ash held out his hands in front of him. “I keep thinking I see blood on my hands. I keep washing them, but I still see blood sometimes.”
I had fuck all to say to that. AK hadn’t said anything else to me that night years ago. Then Ash looked at me again, and his face screwed up. He was crying. Fuck, he was crying. I tightened my hand on his shoulder, but he just cried more.
Panic surged through me. I looked at our bedroom door, but it was shut. I had to get Maddie. She’d know what to do. But then Ash’s head fell forward. I didn’t like how he looked. It made my heart hurt.
I heard Maddie’s words in my head. Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort . . .
I stared at my hand on his shoulder. Everything in me told me to push him away. But when I saw his shoulders fucking shaking, I couldn’t. I took a long fucking deep breath and yanked him to my side. I put my arm around his shoulders and brought him into my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed through my nostrils, trying to fucking calm down. Ash stopped making a sound. I opened my eyes, thinking he would say something to me. That he would look at me and make me push him away. But he didn’t. Instead he gripped onto my cut and cried some more.
I stared at the ashes in the fire, just working on keeping my shit together. He was touching me. He was touching me. He’s good, I told myself in my head. He’s your fucking brother.
Ash stayed that way for ten minutes. I counted the minutes in my head in seconds. Eventually he let go of my cut and lifted his head. His face was red and blotchy. He ducked his eyes from me when I looked at him. Staring across the room, I asked, “You okay now?”
“Yeah,” he rasped then cleared his throat. “Thanks, Flame.”
I nodded my head. Something fucking weird burst in my chest. It was warm. It didn’t know what it was.
“Sorry for being a fucking pussy,” he said.
“Not a pussy,” I said. “You killed. You’re a Hangman. You’ll kill again. I don’t feel it, but AK told me most people freak out. You’ve freaked out. It’s done. Won’t happen again.”
“Yeah.”
It got quiet. Real quiet. I didn’t know what else to say, but Ash spoke first. “Sorry I came here. I just wasn’t thinking, and the next thing I knew I was at your door.” His face was bright red. “I’ll leave soon. Go to Slash or Vike. AK has a full house again.”
I didn’t like the fact that he’d be going to Slash or Vike. “You like it in this house?” I asked.
Ash looked up; I saw it in my peripheral vision. “I love it,” he said quietly. “I like being with you and Madds.”
“Stay here tonight.” I got up from the couch. I couldn’t take all this talking shit anymore.
“Really?”
I nodded. “Madds never changed the back room. It’s yours.”
“Thanks, Flame,” Ash said. I was almost at the bedroom door when I looked back. Ash was on the couch. I glanced at the back room where he would be staying tonight. I thought about him being there every day. And I . . . liked it.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “You wanna live here?”
Ash never said shit in response. I opened my eyes, about to just leave him the fuck alone. Ash was on his feet, looking at me from the other side of the couch. “You mean it?” he asked. “You want me to move in?”
“You got a room. You should use it.”
“Yeah.” He smiled. My jaw clenched.
“Don’t tell AK yet. Wait ’til all this shit with Phebe is done. He might take you leaving bad.”
“Okay,” Ash said.
I nodded and turned the knob on my bedroom door. I needed to get away now. My head was too full.
“Flame?” Ash called, making me stop. I didn’t look back. “Thank you.” He was speaking real fucking quiet. “For everything. I . . .” I heard him take a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna like living here.”
I nodded again. I had no words.
I pushed through the door and slammed it shut. Maddie stood by the bed, waiting. She was fucking crying too. “What?” I jumped forward. “Why are you crying?”
“I love you, Flame,” she said, taking my hands.
I frowned. “I don’t understand. Why are you crying?”
“I heard you speak to him.” She smiled. “And I heard you ask him to live with us.”
“You told me before that I should think about it. I have. I asked him to move in. He said yes.”
Maddie threw her arms around my waist. “I am so proud of you, Flame,” she whispered, and I felt my chest get tight again. “Just when I believe I could not love you even more, you go and prove me wrong.”
“I love you too,” I said and kissed her head. Then I froze. Every fucking part of me went still. My eyes were on the bed. Maddie had been drawing. Releasing her, I went to the bed and picked up the sketchpad. Ice filled me, and I looked up at Maddie for answers.
She shrugged. “It is not true yet. And I know that it may be a while before we are ready.” She came toward me, and I stared at the picture again. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening in my heart and my stomach, but I felt hot and cold. Fucking confused. “It is just something I wonder if we could have one day.” Maddie laid her head on my bicep. Her hand ran down the picture. I was there. She was too, and in her arms was a baby.
“I did not know if we could ever do it. But hearing you with Ash just now made me believe that, perhaps, one day, when we are stronger still, that we . . . could.”
“Maddie.” I looked down at her head on my arm. I swallowed and tried to imagine her like Mae was now, stomach growing. And I didn’t feel the flames heat up. In fact, they calmed.
Maddie lifted her head. She smiled. I kissed her mouth and said, “Maybe . . . one day.”
Then I kissed her again.
Still holding the picture in my hand.