Carpe Diem
- Seize The Day
I take her to IHOP because what the fuck else am I supposed to do? I’m no good at this talking thing, and we damn sure need to do a lot of it. And about everything, it appears.
“I’m surprised,” she admits, sipping her coffee.
“You’re surprised? Should probably be the opposite, dontcha think?”
“I mean with you bringing me here.” She gestures to the restaurant. “I wasn’t expecting us to go anywhere or you to let me ride on the back of your bike.”
That wasn’t the smartest of moves on my part. She kept her distance until I took a turn and then she was pressed up against me. I’m still too pissed at her for it to turn me on, but I still felt something tilt in my chest having her that close to me.
“I’m too angry to be alone with you. I don’t trust myself yet, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. Figured breakfast was a good place to start. We have a barrier between us.” I point to the table. “As for my bike, only an important woman rides back there. You being the mother of my child, I’d say that makes you pretty fucking important.”
She swallows, nodding, and I think her eyes tear up. Her gaze locks on her lap, so I can’t get a good enough look to know for sure, though. I don’t get why she’d be so upset if that’s the case.
I’m not one to sugarcoat shit; I’ve made it clear in the past. Just because she wasn’t honest with me, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being honest with her. I’ve kept it real with her since day one. I have no reason to pussyfoot around or keep shit from her besides club business. That will never be her business.
“The fuck you expect, B? You want me to just brush it off and forgive you? That’s not how this is gonna work, baby. You may as well just bite the bullet and make peace with it now. Ain’t happenin’.”
She clears her throat, her gorgeous irises meeting mine for the first time today. “Maverick means everything to me. I thought I was doing what was best for him.”
“What, having him grow up without a father? Having him believe that I’m some shitbag that doesn’t want to be in his life? You’re a goddamn fool if you think there’s one ounce of justification or truth to either of those options.”
“You told me you weren’t cut out to be a father, Nightmare. You said it yourself, what would you do with a kid? What was I supposed to think? I was young, pregnant, and scared. My life was changing!”
“That’s just it, you didn’t fucking think. Or just maybe you would’ve discovered I wanted kids and still do. Maybe if you weren’t so goddamn selfish, you’d have let me have a chance to explain. I’d have told you that my doc made it clear I didn’t need to be too concerned with making babies. It wasn’t something I thought was an option at all or I would’ve wrapped it up. Not saying I don’t want my son, just that I would’ve protected you better.”
“I did think, I just didn’t think about you. I had to do what was best at that moment for my son. I’m sorry that I took the option away to be a father from you. I was under the impression you didn’t want kids, period. I was just some random fuck to you, Nightmare. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe you’d change your ways to be father of the year. For once in my life, I did think clearly; those thoughts just didn’t include you.”
Her words damn near cut me they’re so sharp. At least she’s finally being honest with me.
“Christ, you infuriate me. I’ve never wanted to snap someone’s neck so fucking badly as I do yours. You get that, right? That I’m enraged by what you’ve done? He’s my kid, B, my kid.”
“I’m sorry, Nightmare. I really am. If I had even an inkling of belief you wanted Maverick, I wouldn’t have ever left.”
“That’s another thing. You fucking took off and didn’t come back for years. You basically snuck off and kept my son a secret. I don’t even know what to say to you about that. I will say this, though; don’t ever think you can pick up and leave like that again. I meant what I said, Bethany, I will find you. I don’t care if I have to search until my last dying breath, you will never hide my son from me again.”
A tear falls down her cheek, and I’m a bastard because I enjoy the sight of it. I’m hurt inside, and I want to make her hurt in return. She kept the one thing I’ve always searched for, away from me—family.
Why else would I join a damn biker club? I was a Nomad to be on my own, but I always had a few brothers with me, just as fucked up as me, it seemed. I thought that life was what I’d needed all along to be happy until I started seein’ brothers getting serious and having kids. It opened my eyes to more that I was missing in my life. For years now, I could’ve had it too.
Fucking bitch.
“I won’t, I promise.”
“I have a place here. We’ll get you moved in after the wedding.”
She snorts, and my brows rise. “We’re not moving. Maverick and I have our own apartment, and I have a job that I need to show up for next week.”
“Don’t give a shit about any of it.”
“I mean it. You can meet Maverick, but we aren’t moving.”
“Oh, I can meet him? How fucking generous of you.”
“Can we go now, please?”
“Huh?”
“We aren’t getting anywhere, and this is pretty embarrassing having the people around us overhear this conversation.”
“Oh, sorry, I’m embarrassing you? Guess you shouldn’t have kept my fucking kid from me then, huh?”
“You’re a bastard.”
“Yeah, I am. Get used to it dollface, you’re stuck with me for life.”
Another tear falls, and I grin. I really am a fucking bastard. Time she learns who’s in charge. She’ll quit her job and move down here; I’ll make certain of it.
She can think that she’s stubborn, but I’ll be up there riding her ass and seeing my kid every weekend until she gives in. I set up roots here; Bethany and Maverick are now a part of those roots, and I need to stay close to the club, to my brothers. Hope she enjoys club life, cause it’s about to become hers if I don’t kill her first.
“Grab your shit. We can take off, and you can introduce me to my son.”
She sighs and climbs to her feet, grabbing her phone. We head out to my bike, and I secure my helmet to her head. I only have one, and at this point in time, her life is far more precious than mine is. She’s the mother of my child, and that’s pretty fuckin’ important.
“So, you like animals, huh?” I watch as Maverick stands on one of the two-by-fours that encase the pigpen so he can see them better. He keeps oinking and snorting at them like they’ll talk back. It’s pretty entertaining.
“Ummm…yep.”
He waves to a pig as it walks in front of us. Maverick sounds just like his mom. I thought little kids weren’t supposed to talk really well, but he does a good job. He rambles a little, and I lose track of what he’s saying ‘cause it’s excited and fast, but everything else I’ve heard just fine.
He likes animals and trucks and my motorcycle. It’s a trip seeing so much of myself in him, too. If I had kept my hair shorter, we’d probably look even more alike.
“I like playing the drums with my band,” I admit randomly. Not too sure what to say to a kid really. I’m not around them much; well, not enough to have conversations and all. I could teach him how to play, though, if he wanted to learn. If the Flying Aces didn’t only have gigs in bars, I’d have him come and watch too.
He stays quiet, so I try again. “Maverick, do you know what dads do?”
“Ummm…” He shrugs his brown gaze just like mine, flicking to me briefly before going back to the hogs.
“We teach you cool stuff like moms do; only man stuff. We’re kind of like moms, but different,” I try to explain but realize I suck when I hear Bethany giggle behind us. “What I mean is, I’ll be here for you when you need something, like your mom.”
“Momma?” Mav cocks an eyebrow, glancing at B and then back to me.
“Yep, just like her, only I’m bigger and stronger so I can protect you good.”
“Snacks?”
“You’re hungry?”
Bethany interrupts. “No, he wants to know if you’ll get him snacks like I do.”
“Oh.” I blink and nod. “Yep, I’ll get you snacks, too.”
He grins at that, and it’s like my whole world tilts with that small smile.
Snacks and animals, I can do that, no problem. First off, I need to get him a puppy, and then he’ll never want to leave. Bethany has no idea what she’s up against.
I have to keep chanting to myself not to cry. It’s amazing seeing Nightmare and Maverick together like this, even if Nightmare has been anything but kind to me today. He’s treated me like I’m nothing, and, sadly, I know that I deserve this from him. He should hate me, especially after seeing how happy he is with Maverick.
Now, I wish I could go back and do everything over. I’d tell him that very night I asked him about us using protection. I’d share with him that I was sick and the doctor believed I was pregnant. We’d argue that it wasn’t true and then he’d learn it really was. He could see Maverick be born and hold him that very first day he came into the world. Things would be so different, life would be different, and he wouldn’t detest me as he does now.
Nightmare doesn’t have to hate me; I’ll punish myself enough for what I’ve done. I thought I was protecting my son, but really I was only keeping him from someone who loves him already. These past few years could’ve been so much easier having Nightmare in our lives to help. Even just being there would’ve made an impact. I could’ve come to see Princess more, and the entire club could’ve known about Maverick this whole time.
I was so stupid. I’ll never be able to forgive myself from keeping Maverick away from someone who loves him like Nightmare so easily does. One look at my son and he didn’t even question it. It’s easy to see looking at Mav’s little face, who he belongs to. He’s Nightmare’s son, no doubt.
“Night?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you have any other kids out there that you don’t know about?”
“I doubt it; I make it a habit of using protection.”
“So, why was it different with me?”
He shrugs, turning away and cutting me off again. Maybe someday I can get him to answer the question, but it definitely won’t be today. And Maverick damn sure gets the shrugging from him, not me.
Princess’ wedding passed in a blur filled with me apologizing a million times. Not only to Night but to the few of the club members who actually spoke to me. I was nervous prior to coming, but it was nothing compared to how I felt inside knowing that everyone around us knew what I’d done.
I felt like a giant asshole, and while I was excited for Princess to tie the knot, I’m extremely happy to be back home now. I get four days of peace to myself with Mav, then Nightmare will be here visiting. To say I’m shitting a brick knowing he’ll be in my home is an understatement.
What are we supposed to do while he’s here? It’s going to be so freaking awkward now that he hates me so much. It was weird enough seeing him before he knew we had a child together.
At least now he’ll stop trying to get me to sleep with him. Not that I didn't want to; it was just…he’d hurt me. Well, I thought he did anyhow. These past few years were wasted with my stupidity, all from a misunderstanding.
I’m still trying to figure out if it’s a blessing or a curse now with Night. He could make the rest of my life hell if he wanted to. All we can do is wait and see what happens, and that’s the scary part.
I hope he can move on enough to forgive me one day even though he swears he never will. To witness the hurt and betrayal in his eyes when he found out crushed me inside. I thought it was terrible him hurting me back then; it was nothing to how awful I felt knowing I’d caused him so much pain inside.
Me: We’re home.
Nightmare: Good. Hug Maverick for me. See you guys Friday.
Me: Okay, I will. You got the address I sent you earlier?
Nightmare: Yes.
Me: Okay.
See, not awkward at all. Ugh. What am I going to do? I have to figure out a way to fix this. Not make it all better, I’m not that naïve to believe that could happen overnight, but there must be something I can do to help a little.
My gaze lands on Maverick’s baby picture. It’s one of my favorites with him in an old-fashioned tin as a bathtub with bubbles flying all around him. Princess took us to have his pictures done when he turned one, and they came out so adorable. I’d have never been able to afford it, and she gave me one of the best gifts ever.
Nightmare missed all of it, nearly three years’ worth of firsts, and he saw none of it. I can start by sharing it all with him, so I use my phone to take a picture of the photo.
Me: Maverick turns one, my favorite picture of him.
I don’t get a reply, but I didn’t expect one. It could help or make him angry; I’m not sure which one. I’m going to do my best to share with him everything he missed, so each day for the rest of the week, that’s what I do. I pick out a picture that means something.
Day two I sent him a picture of our son drooling, showing off his first tooth. Day three I sent him a photo when Mav decided it was time to walk. Day four I sent him a picture of Maverick grinning, giving me a thumbs-up. He’d just fed a giraffe at the Cameron Park Zoo in Waco and thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Day five Nightmare shows up on our front porch, so I skip the text, surprised to see he actually came. I don’t know what had me doubting him, but I shouldn’t have. The first thing I notice—his hair. The dreads are gone, and he looks like the old Nightmare—my Nightmare that I remember. Strong and imposing and just plain beautiful.