She dreams more often
than she sleeps.
- Jonny OX
“When wiw he be back?”
“We’ve been over this Mav; he had to go home to where he lives so he could work.” He, meaning Nightmare. We’ve been over this daily since Nightmare left.
“But when wiw he be back?”
“Soon.”
“Soon,” he grumbles, copying me as his gaze turns out the window to watch the scenery as we drive. It’s weird, but I miss him, too. Sure, there were many nights I thought of him over the years, but this past weekend went well—really well.
He was a dick to me Friday when he first arrived, but then I cooked him dinner. The next night he held me when he didn’t have to. It was nice and different. It felt like we were a family, and that’s the scary thing, because I loved it, and I know I can’t have it. He may have offered me comfort, but he still hates me.
We get back to the apartment, and I give Princess a call. She’s another one pissed at me. She has every right to be; it still sucks, though.
“Hey.”
“Hey, you still mad at me?”
“I told you, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed; it’s different. I wish you would’ve told me from the beginning. It almost feels like you didn’t trust me enough to have your back.”
“Of course, I trust you. You have to look at it from my point of view, too, though. I had just found out I was pregnant. I was tripping, freaking out over my life changing, and Nightmare’s words hurt me. Of course, I took him at face value; I didn’t know him well enough not to.”
“And you do now?”
“Hell no. I wish I could change how I went about things, but if I’m honest with myself, I would probably do the exact same thing again. I didn’t have options when Maverick’s existence surfaced. I had to bite the bullet, grow the fuck up and take care of the both of us, so that’s exactly what I did.”
She sighs. “I know. It’s just…now Viking thinks I kept this from him and is questioning me on what else I’ve kept from him. You need to start coming down here and being around the club.”
“Why would I do that? Those guys despise me for keeping Maverick away from Nightmare. I’m the bad guy, remember?”
“They only see it from his side of view; they don’t know you or your story like I do. Start coming around so they can see for themselves you’re not trying to keep him away any longer. Trust me, you’ll want them on your side. It may suck for a little while, because, I’ll be real with you, they most likely will be jerks. Not to Mav, but to you. Once you choke through it, they’ll have your back. Most of all, they’ll have Maverick’s, and I know how important family is to you, B.”
“I don’t care if they support me in any way, but you’re right about one thing. I do want my son around family, and I know the club is loyal to their own. I don’t necessarily want Maverick growing up to be a biker, but I do want him surrounded by people who’ll have his best interest at heart.”
“That’s us.”
“I know, Prissy; I know. Nightmare was coming back up here this weekend, but maybe I’ll see if I can take it off and go there instead. He saved me a lot of money being here last weekend to hang out with Mav while I worked.”
“See, Nightmare being in your life could be good in multiple ways.”
“I know, I keep reminding myself of the benefits. It’s still hard to be around him, and even more so, now that he hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you, Bethany.”
“Oh no, believe me, he does. He sat right across from me at a table and told me he’d like to peel my skin from my flesh. Pretty sure that equals hate.”
She chuckles, and I huff.
“He has it so bad for you.”
“Yeah, like the man may kill me in my sleep one night.”
“No as in he was all over you to get in your pants again, and now he’s threatening you with bodily harm. He knows you’re the mother of his child. He fucking wants you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not going to make any bets or hold my breath on it.”
“Oh yeah, what was that bet you made me when this whole thing started? Oh no, it wasn’t a bet…but I remember your words.” She laughs, then in a snooty tone, pretends to mock me. “’Fine, but I’m not fucking any of them’.” She bursts out laughing like a hyena. “So busted. We have DNA proof you’re full of shit.”
“You’re such a bitch, Prissy.”
She laughs again, at my expense, and I laugh, too. I’m just happy the guilt trip for not telling her about Night is letting up.
“I am, but you still love me.”
“Ugh, God knows why, but I do.”
“Good. I love you, too. Now let me know if you can come this weekend. I’m sure Nightmare will have you staying at his house; but if not, you can stay at mine.”
“There’s no way I’m staying with him. I want to keep my skin, thank you.”
“You’ll have to fight with him about that, but anyway, let me know.”
“I will.”
“Okay, byeeeeee.”
“Bye.” I hang up, rolling my eyes. I am happy that we ended the call on a good note, though. It’s hard when your best friend is upset with you.
It’s also time I start planning Maverick’s birthday party. Usually Princess would come to visit, and I’d make a cake for him, but I have a feeling Nightmare will want to be involved this time around.
Each day that passes, I continue with the daily texts. I always send a new picture of Maverick and let Nightmare know of anything significant. Usually, it’s just a small message from Mav. Today’s was: Maverick wants to know if you like meatballs and with sauce or no sauce?
Random, I know, but I’m hoping it makes Nightmare feel a little closer to his son. Maverick thinks it’s neat, too, and has started helping me pick out which picture to send. Nightmare could think it’s stupid for all I know, but, as a parent, pictures mean something.
At least they do to me. It’s like little perfect moments frozen in time that you can look back on and remember. I could be having a rough day and look at Mav surrounded in bubbles, and no matter how blue I am, it makes me smile. I’m crossing my fingers that they do the same when I send Nightmare his daily text from us.
My phone beeps.
Nightmare: Yes and yes. Tell him I’ll see him tomorrow and I’m teaching him to play my drum set. Be safe driving.
Me: I will.
He argued with me about us staying with Princess. I knew he would, but I still had to try. It’s awkward enough, but at least staying with Princess would provide some sort of barrier.
I’m going to pick up groceries before we leave so I can cook dinner tomorrow night. I think it’ll be a good way to break the ice. I think when it boils down to it, it’s the small things that really matter. Dinner may seem like nothing to some, but Nightmare and Maverick haven’t gotten the chance to sit down at dinner together. Last weekend was the first time, and while I can’t make up for everything Night has missed, this is one small thing I can give them both.
All of this is new, and I’m lost. I’m not used to worrying about sharing my son with anyone. The thought was always in the back of my mind that one day it could happen. That’s not true; the actual thought was that there was a chance of Nightmare showing up and taking my son from me completely if he were to find out the truth.
So, this visiting or whatever it is we’re doing, I’ll gladly do my part, because, in my heart, I know it could be so much worse. He could want nothing to do with our son ever, or he could take him away from me completely. Nightmare has the means to just disappear if he wanted too. He’s an outlaw, and those types of men do what they want and know how to do it without getting caught.
With a sigh, I down the large glass of wine and pray that I’m able to sleep tonight. I’ll definitely need my wits about me tomorrow. Who knows what kind of mood my baby daddy will be in. Not only that, but I have to face his brothers, and some of them are as ruthless as he’s known to be. Fingers crossed I make it home in one piece.
Having them in my space is strange; not bad, just different. Not like I’m here much anyhow. I’m usually at the club or gone doing something—a run, a gig, whatever.
Maverick’s discovered my drums and thinks they’re pretty bitchin’. Those are my words, not his. His were more along the lines of “Ummm…wow.” Bitchin’ sounds better in my mind. His mom would have my ass if I taught him that word, though, so we’ll save it for when he’s older.
I’m not going to lie to myself either. Having Bethany floating around in the kitchen, cooking dinner, is pretty fucking nice. I haven’t brought anyone here except for a few brothers. Club whores are meant to be kept at the club, not brought home.
I don’t touch any of them anyhow. I haven’t been abstinent by any means, but I hit it out of town. Bethany or my son will never have to worry about running into past pussy.
I like it that way; less bullshit for everyone involved. The gigs and runs help make that possible. I don’t know what the hell to do now, though.
Nearly two weeks ago I had getting in Bethany’s pants, and possibly keeping her, on my mind. Last week after the news of my son being kept from me came out in the open, I hated all women. This weekend, I just have no idea where I sit with anything.
Part of me still hates Bethany. I think I’ll always have resentment toward her for that. However, other thoughts have been creeping in as well. Like how I’m unbelievably grateful to have a kid and a son at that. Also, that she’s the mother of my child, and so far, appears to be a damn good mother to my kid.
What more can a man ask for, but a woman that takes care of your kid well. I could go into little details like decent whiskey, tight pussy, etc. but that’s all irrelevant when you get down to the shit that really matters in life.
Do I still want to fuck Bethany? Of course, I do; I’m a red-blooded male in his prime. I’ve thought of fucking her to make her mine. Then I thought about hate fucking her, then fucking her and killing her, then more hate fucking. Now I’m almost to the point of make-up fucking.
I’m pretty sure if she would suck my cock dry for the next few years, I could find it in my heart to forgive her. It’s shallow, but I’m not a fake motherfucker. Every man out there with a dick who loves women would feel the same way. They’re just pussies and won’t admit it; I’m not.
So, here I sit, at the club having a drink and thinking while B and my kid are at my house—hopefully, sound asleep. She thought she could fight me on where they’re staying. Not a chance. She owes me, and she knows it.
It’s gonna be my way on a lot of shit for the foreseeable future, so she needs to come to terms with it. I should be at home with them, but I need time to clear my head after spending a quiet evening with them both.
“Another?” Blaze gestures to my empty bottle.
Shrugging, I nod. “Sure, fuck it.”
“How you holdin’ up, lad?” Scot stares at me curiously. He’s the oldest member here at the clubhouse, and I’ve ridden with him for many years. He was sort of in charge when we were Nomads; but here, he’s my brother—another officer in the club.
“I haven’t strangled her yet.”
“Aye.” He chuckles. “Have ye fucked ‘er again?”
That’s the question of the night it seems. Every brother I’ve come across has asked the same damn thing. Fuckers, all thinking with their cocks.
“Nope, sure haven’t.”
“Stronger man than I.” He laughs again, finishing his draft. “Time I go check on my ol’ lady.”
“Be safe, brother.”
“Aye, you too, lad.” He shakes my hand and heads out.
His ol’ lady runs the local bar about twenty minutes down the road, and Scot always shows up when it’s near closing time. After Viking’s father shot her, Scot’s been stuck up her ass and with good reason. I’d be even worse if it were my ol’ lady, I suppose.
Blaze sets the fresh, cold beer in front of me, and I gulp down a large swig.
“So she came back, huh?”
I grunt, not saying anything really. Everyone knows my business and that shit drives me crazy. I don’t do drama, especially when it comes to the club.
“Look, I know I haven’t been around you as long as Scot or say Viking, but I’m your brother nonetheless. I just want you to be happy, and I’m glad she’s giving you the chance to be in your kid’s life.”
I’ve never had an issue with Blaze. He’s Viking’s cousin and very loyal. But his admission makes my respect for him rise. Stupid, how just a few words can make you respect a man, but it’s true.
“Appreciate that.”
He nods. “But what are you doin’ here, brother? Your son and a woman, who you no doubt care for, is right down the street at your house.”
“I know; fuck, I know. We had a good night, I just needed to breathe.”
“Ah, yeah, that’s a big change. We’re here for you man, any one of us has your back if you need something.”
“Even a shovel to bury a body?”
“As long as it’s not the kids, then fuckin’ right.”
“If it’s the kids, I’d be slicing and dicing whoever is responsible.”
“And I’d help you in a heartbeat.”
Ex better watch out. Blaze seems to want to fill his spot as my closest friend. Not that it would happen, but Blaze has opened my eyes to him a little more tonight.