Chapter Eight
Olivia
When I got home from work and saw Terrance’s bike out front I was surprised. He was usually never home in the middle of the day. Bull and his father usually had him running here and there delivering or picking up parts.
I opened the apartment door and was even more surprised to see him sitting on the couch looking like he was waiting for me.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked him as I dropped my purse and keys on the table by the door. He looked upset and I was afraid something else bad happened.
“Hey, can we talk?” he asked.
He didn’t look like he wanted to talk. He actually looked like he wanted to throw up. My stomach had huge butterflies in it when I sat down in the chair across from him. I was already afraid I knew what he was going to say.
“Okay, what’s going on?”
“I did send that e-mail to Bull after I put the heroin in Dax’s saddlebags,” he blurted, like he had to force himself to say it fast or he wasn’t going to say it at all.
I felt like I needed to push my mouth shut. I knew it was hanging open. I had kind of accepted that he had done it already, but the reality had not sunk in. I still held out hopes that it was all a terrible mistake.
“Why, Terrance? What would possibly have possessed you to do this?”
“I was told to by Bull. It was all by e-mail. He never talked to me about it in person, but that’s the way Bull does things. The e-mails are short and blunt and practically in code so it would be hard to use them against anyone. But those were the orders and I followed them. I don’t know how I would explain it in order for you to understand it. This club, it’s been my whole life. I don’t know anything else. Could you imagine me out in the real world with a real job? I would never make it. I don’t have a mother like Dax does. One who is willing to send me to college or stand by me no matter what. I have a father who expects me to someday take his place as VP of this club. It’s all I’ve ever been groomed for. I’ve been told my whole life that the club always comes first. Club, God, Family.”
“Seriously? I’m sitting here wondering who you are.”
“You know who I am, Olivia. I’m the same man I was before Dax got out of prison.”
“You’re saying that the club comes before anything or anyone? That means that you would do anything Bull told you to do, to anyone? You didn’t even consider your friendship with Dax or consider what this would do to me at all?”
“No, I’m not saying that’s the way it should be. I’m saying that’s the way the club sees it and because I’ve got nothing else I go along with it. I don’t know how to function without it, Olivia. But I’m not heartless. I’m not irredeemable as a human being. I don’t expect you to believe this, but I really did hope that Bull was going to change his mind. Right up until the last second, I didn’t really believe that Bull was going to let his own kid go to prison. At the very least, I thought he would stop it for Dax’s mom because it was going to kill her. I love Dax like a brother but, Liv, you have to understand that if I said no, I was going to lose everything I knew, maybe more.”
“And me? You didn’t care what this was doing to me at all? I am the biggest fool in the world…first I turned my back on Dax and then I spent a year with a man that I trusted and one that I thought had a lot more heart and integrity than this.”
“No, Olivia…please don’t say that. Liv, I love you. God, I love you. Us dating, I didn’t plan that. You and Dax were away at college and he rarely brought you around to club things. I didn’t really know you that well before. After this happened, I felt so bad that I wanted to do whatever I could for you. I was hoping that just being there would help. I fell in love with you. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I still am. This whole year that we’ve been together has been both heaven and hell. Every time you got upset over something that had to do with Dax, I felt so bad. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Shut up, Terrance, please. Just shut up.”
I couldn’t stand to hear him say it one more time. He had no idea what love was and I knew that it was almost assuredly because of the way he grew up. It wasn’t entirely his fault. However, he was a grown man and capable of making his own decisions and making up his own mind. I wasn’t going to be able to forgive him. He took away three years of Dax’s life; he did the same to me and Dax’s mom. The list just kept on going and the only thing he was actually sorry about was that we had found out.
“I can’t be with someone who would do something like that to his best friend. I can’t love someone like that.”
“Olivia…”
“No, Terrance. Whatever you’re going to say, keep it to yourself. What if Bull suddenly gets upset with me or angry with me or just tired of me? What if he wants rid of me someday and he tells you that you have to do something like this to me…or he’ll kick you out of your precious club?”
“I wouldn’t do that, Olivia. Never…”
“Bullshit, Terrance. You would have said the same to Dax before all of this happened. Hell, you would have said it to him yesterday before he knew the truth. I’m leaving and I don’t want to see you ever again.”
I could hear him yelling my name all the way to the parking lot. I didn’t look back. I just kept walking. I got in the car and without even thinking about it, I drove to Dax’s parents’ house. I had to see him, I had so much to make up for…if he was even willing to let me try. If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t even blame him.
I knocked on the door and after a few seconds, Gail pulled it open. “Olivia! Hi, sweetie, what brings you by?”
“Hi, I was looking for Dax,” I told her.
She smiled. Something about that made her happy. I had always worried that she thought I was some kind of slut for being with Terrance, but I guess she didn’t completely hate me.
“I’m sorry, honey. He’s not here. He’s been staying at the club, in the bedroom in back.”
“Okay, thanks,” I told her, “I’ll go see him there.”
“All right, be safe,” she said. She was always such a mother.
“I will be. Thank you.”
I drove to the bar next. I was trying to figure out in my head what I would say when I got there. What the hell do I say to someone I loved so much, but I completely turned my back on? I’m sorry didn’t seem like it would even begin to cover it.
I tried not to speed, but I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to see him, to touch him…to tell him that I never stopped loving him. I was shaking when I walked into the bar. Bull and the guys were sitting at the bar shooting the shit as usual.
I looked at Bull and said, “Is Dax here?”
“Yeah, his bike's still here anyways. He’s been sleeping in the back bedroom. Go on back.”
I did and when I got to the door I stood there for a minute, trying to stop shaking. It was pointless so I just went ahead and knocked.
“Yeah?” I heard him call from inside.
“It’s Olivia, can I come in?”
I heard the lock turn in the door. I still didn’t know what I was going to say. When he opened the door and I saw him standing shirtless and in his jeans I lost my head completely. I put my hand up on the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. It wasn’t like the other night either. This one was a full mouth-tongues-dancing-God-help-me-I-can’t-breathe kind of kiss. It was fucking fantastic.