Chapter Fifteen
Molly
The sun was going down on my second day in the hospital, and Dr. Harris hadn’t even been in yet to see me today. I was getting restless to say the least. I was currently pacing the room, dragging the IV pole back and forth with me.
Grandma sat calmly in the corner on her laptop, not even looking up at me. I wanted to have a tantrum like a two-year-old, just to get her, or the doctor, or both to listen to me. I needed to get out of here.
“Grandma, please go ask them if Dr. Harris is coming tonight.” She looked up at me over the bifocal part of her glasses and said, “I already did, Molly, half an hour ago. The nurse said that he had an emergency to tend to and then he would be here. I told you all of this dear. Asking again is not going to change the answer.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly feeling like the biggest whiner on the planet. “I just need to get out of here.”
Grandma put the laptop down and patted the seat next to her.
“Sit, Molly.”
I did as I was told. After eighteen years, I knew when she meant business.
“I know you’re restless, and you’re missing school and your friends…who by the way I’m sure would love to visit you…”
“Megan was here earlier,” I told her, as if she wasn’t here when Megan had come by.
“What about the boy, what was his name? Brock?” She knew darn good and well what his name was.
“He’s been busy with school and stuff,” I lied. He had left me four voicemails and texted me at least a half dozen times. I texted him back…once. I told him I would see him when I got discharged. I didn’t want to see him here. This place would only taint our friendship. I know this…from experience.
Grandma raised a perfectly plucked gray eyebrow. She was no fool, and she knew I was fibbing. She let it go, however and a few minutes later, Dr. Harris came in.
“How are you feeling today Molly?” he asked in that always-chipper voice. I’d be chipper too if I was a doctor and I made a bazillion dollars a year keeping people imprisoned in hospitals.
“I’m feeling great, Dr. Harris. Can I go home now?”
“I wanted to wait until the results of the MRI came back, and they have.”
“Good,” I said, the first time I had been hopeful all day. “Then I can go?”
“Molly, I have a few concerns about the MRI. I want to get another one from a few different angles.”
I swear it was the closest I had ever coming to screaming like a mad woman at the top of my lungs.
“Okay,” I said, trying to tamp down the scream and stay calm. “Let’s do it.”
“We can’t do it tonight. Radiology is already closed except for emergencies. I’ve got you scheduled for first thing in the morning.”
“This is an emergency Dr. Harris. If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to lose my mind. That’s an emergency, wouldn’t you say?” I was on my feet again. The restless energy pent up inside me was pressing against every nerve in my body.
“Molly, sit down please,”he said it in his “keep the crazy person calm” voice. I looked at Grandma and she nodded. I sat down. “Molly,” he said, “you have one kidney. If it is not functioning properly, sending you home could be dangerous. Let us get this MRI tomorrow morning, okay? If I discharge you, we’ll have to do it outpatient and that will take longer.”
“And what then, Dr. Harris. If it’s not working do I stay here…forever?”
“No, I promise, barring some kind of unforeseen problems I will discharge you tomorrow. I will at least know what we need to do after the MRI, and we’ll go on from there…outpatient, as long as you do well.”
I looked at Grandma who nodded again. Some wingman she was. She was supposed to be dancing with the ugly doctor so I can slip out. “Okay, I’ll stay until after the MRI, then I blow this joint.”
He smiled. He was not the least bit ugly, I was just being pissy. I actually liked him a lot. I just wanted to go home. “One more thing…”
“Uh-uh,” I said. “We already made our deal.”
He smiled again and waited for me to finish and then he said, “I know we talked about this before, and you said no because you’re afraid your peers will find out about your illness, but I think the support group we have here on Sunday and Wednesday afternoons could really help you.”
“You’re right, we talked about it before, and I have to stand firm on my earlier decision.” I wasn’t going to some support group with a bunch of people I would then run into on campus or in one of my classes. It was not going to happen. I didn’t want to talk about this anyways.
“I can’t force you, Molly. But please at least tell me you’ll think about it. You could go tomorrow afternoon before you leave here.”
“I thought I was leaving tomorrow morning?” I had caught him in a web of lies. Okay, it was only one lie, but it was a whopper.
“We agreed after the results of the MRI. That will probably not happen until early afternoon.”
“Dr. Harris…”
“Molly,” he said, standing up. “Just think about it, okay?” I was mad again. I could feel the heat of Grandma’s stare however so I said, “Okay.”
My grandmother then thanked the man. If I was rich, I’d cut her right out of the will.
The next morning I had another text from Brock. It simply said:
Thinking of you and hoping you’re well. Missing you, Molly.
I took a deep breath and I texted him back.
I’m doing fine, thank you. Will hopefully get sprung later today
I didn’t say miss you too, although I did. I hadn’t passed an hour here without thinking about him. I wondered what he was doing, and even if he was thinking about me. I thought about him singing to me, and it made me smile. I remembered dancing in the rain, and that made me want to cry. I miss you too, Brock. I’m just too much of a coward to say so.
The nurse and the radiology tech came to get me at ten for my MRI. Let me just say here that I despise that machine. If you’ve never been inside of one just imagine it for a second. You’re lying inside of a metal tube, kind of like a huge, old metal garbage can. It’s freezing, and your ass is hanging out of the gown they give you to wear, only adding to the draft. Then someone with a penchant for torture takes a hammer and they start to bang on the tube. That goes on for hours sometimes and the whole while they’re yelling at you not to move. That’s the process in a nutshell.
Two hours and one tension headache and a lower backache later, I was back in my hospital room. Now Grandma and I sat and waited for Dr. Harris. While we waited she said, “Molly, did you think about what Dr. Harris said, about the support group?”
“Grandma, you know how I feel about all that.”
“Yes, I do. I also know that you need to talk about this. You don’t talk to me about it, and I doubt you talk much about it to Megan since everything is so secretive. These people are the same as you, baby. They’re not going to go telling tales any more than you are about them.”
“I really just don’t want to talk about any of this, Grandma.”
“I know, honey. But the truth is you need to.”
I sighed, she was wearing me down. Not that I was changing my mind about wanting to go, but I was thinking about going just to get them off my back. Then she played really dirty…my own grandmother.
“Would you go just once, Molly? For me, please?”
“Okay, Gran,” I told her, “Just once.”
Dr. Harris came by a while after our conversation about the support group.
“Molly,” he said, “The MRI showed what I was afraid of. Your nephrons are hardening, becoming necrotic. The tumors are blocking the blood supply to them.”
I wish he would have just kicked me in the stomach, it would have felt better. I was holding my breath because I was afraid if I let this one out, I wouldn’t be able to take another. I felt Gran reach for my hand and I took hers. She didn’t say anything, and neither did Dr. Harris. They just left me alone for a minute to process what he just said. In layman’s terms, he had just told me that the only kidney I had left was being choked to death by the tumors that kept multiplying. I can’t live without kidneys, can I?
“So what comes next?” I asked him finally.
“You’re still producing some urine, so functionality is not completely gone…yet. But Molly I need you to drink plenty of water; you know how much you need and you can’t forget. No sampling the coffee samples at work, no caffeine or anything diuretic at all. I also need you to keep a record of your intake of fluids and your output of urine and I’ll give you some guidelines of what you need to report to me, right away.”
I was in some form of shock, I’m sure. He was telling me that an essential part of my body was failing, but all I could think to say next was, “Sure, Doc. Thanks. Can I go home now?” I saw the look between my grandmother and doctor. The one that said, “Now we need to worry about her emotional health.” I was a pretty big wreck inside, emotionally, but I wasn’t going to do anything stupid so there was nothing to worry about.
“What about the meeting, Molly?”
I smiled pretty and said, “I’m still going. I promised you that I would.”
“Good,” Dr. Harris said, enthusiastically. I was so glad I could make him happy, since he always had nothing but good news for me.
After Dr. Harris left, Gran and I just sat quietly for a while. I felt bad, because I knew she wanted to talk about this. I just really didn’t want to. All I wanted was out of here. I wanted to see Brock, worse than I’ve ever wanted to see anyone. I wanted things to go back to normal again. After a while I said, “Why don’t you start home, Gran. The meeting is at two, so I’ll go to that and then I’ll call Meg for a ride home.”
I could tell that she didn’t want to leave, but she also knew that no matter what she said I was going to push her out the door. That was when she finally did it. She grabbed me in a big hug and as she held me tight she said, “I love you to the moon, Molly-girl. If you need anything, and you don’t call me, I’ll find out, and then I’ll kick your skinny little butt.” We were both crying then, and when she said that I laughed through my tears and said, “Skinny? Have you seen my butt, Gran?” She smacked me on it and said, “Do everything the doctor says, Okay?”
“Okay, Gran. I love you to the moon too.” After she left I washed my face and packed up the nice little patient belongings bag they had brought me. Then I signed the discharge papers, took my instructions and walked out the door of the oncology unit. I stood just beyond the double doors and I hate to admit this but I seriously considered not going to the meeting and just telling Gran that I had. One thing I am terrible at is lying though, especially to Gran….so I went.
I walked down the hall towards the group room signs. When I reached to door I stopped and took a deep breath and then I pushed on the door. There were five people in the room. Two girls about my age. Two guys who were both a little older, and an older lady, probably the group leader.
“Hi,” the lady said. “Welcome. Come on in and find a seat.” I looked around, one wouldn’t be hard to find. There were at least twenty empty ones. I picked one close to the back. I probably wasn’t going to say much anyways. I sat there, waiting for the group to begin as more people filed in. After everyone was seated, the group leader introduced herself and thanked us for coming. As she talked the door behind her suddenly opened and I thought I would pass out. In walked Brock…in the flesh. He looked around for a seat, and when he saw me, I like to say his face lit up. He came towards me and took the seat next to mine. The lady was still talking but I had to know what the heck he was doing here. I lowered my voice to barely audible and said, “Hi Brock.” He grinned at me. God he was so handsome I almost forgot what I wanted to ask him.
“Hi Molly,” he said.
“What are you doing here?”
He looked like he was pondering the answer to that, and then he said, “I’m a patient here too.” I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why, but I thought he was making fun of me. Candice, the group leader was looking at me and moving her lips but I wasn’t processing what she was saying. I was still trying to process what Brock had said.
“I’m sorry?” I said, acutely aware that all eyes in the room were on me now.
“I said would you like to introduce yourself to the group?”
“I-I’m Molly,” I said.
“Hi Molly!” Everyone said it at once, and I thought maybe I had stumbled into an AA meeting by mistake.
“Molly, would you like to tell us a little about yourself?”
I looked around the room again. They were all still staring at me. I needed to get out of here.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I really have to go.”
I stood up, and I felt a hand on my arm. It was Brock’s hand.
“Molly, I think you would really like it if you stayed. It helps to talk about it.”
Was he kidding? What did he know about any of this? I shook his hand off my arm and headed for the door. I could hear him say something to Candace, and when I was about halfway down the hall, I could hear his footsteps behind me.
“Molly, wait!” he said as I hit the outer door. I kept going, but he had longer legs than me and caught up quickly. “Molly, stop please. Just for a second.”
“I don’t want to talk to those people, Brock. I don’t even know those people. I don’t know what your deal is either…coming here and acting like you know how I feel…”
“Molly, listen to me, please…”
I could hear him talking, but I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to go home. I started walking away, and that’s when I heard him say, “I have it too, Molly. I have cancer. I have a malignant tumor in my brain.” That stopped me in my tracks.
I turned around and looked at him. I was searching his eyes, his face for anything. I was all at once hoping he was making fun of me somehow and he didn’t really have this awful thing in his head, and praying that he couldn’t be that cruel.
“What are you talking about?”
He took a deep breath and he said, “When I was fourteen I was diagnosed with what they called a pineal germinoma. It’s a form of childhood tumors of the brain. It metastasized to my spinal cord. I had surgeries, but they never could get it all. Part of it wrapped itself around my brain stem. They did chemo, and radiation, and for a while I was in remission. The doctor told me there was only like a one in five million chance that it would ever come back….but it did. It’s inoperable again, but they’re trying some new medications. That’s why I’m here too, just like you. I should have told you before, but….”
“But you thought that would make things weird between us? Trust me, that part I understand.” I couldn’t believe what he was telling me, yet I did. It explained a lot. The special diet, the juice drinks with all the vitamins, the fact that like me, he didn’t drink. “So, are you okay?”
“I’m doing okay, yeah. So far, it hasn’t grown and I’m not having too many side effects from the meds.”
“The night you got sick…when we watched Benny and Joon?”
“Yeah, that was night four. I only take the meds five days a week. Four is the worst. It’s today, in fact. So far, I’m hanging in.”
“Wow,” I was just blown away. “I’m sorry.”
He smiled and said, “For what?”
“That you have cancer,” I said. I know that sounded stupid, but all of a sudden I was at a loss for words with him.
He laughed and said, “Me too. I’m sorry for you too. Can I walk you home?” I nodded, and then I said, “Where’s Suzie?”
He said, “You’re the only girl who has ever called her by her name. Thank you. She’s in the shop, getting a new starter. I’ll tell her you asked about her though, that will make her happy.”
I laughed and said, “Are you a little bit crazy?”
“Just a little,” he agreed.
After that we walked in silence until we got to the dorms. He even carried my little patient belongings bag for me. When we got there he said, “I have a gig at Aqua tomorrow night. I think Jake and Megan are coming. Would you like to go too?”
I had so much crap in my head at that moment I barely knew my own name. “Can I let you know tomorrow?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he said. “Good night, Molly.”
“Good night Brock, and thank you.” I was used to my cancer, and as bad as it sucked, it had become part of me by now. I wasn’t used to his though, and I didn’t like it. I was glad that he took such good care of himself though.
“Maybe you’ll beat it for good this time,” I said.
“Sure,” he replied. “Good night, Molly.”