Chapter Ten

Savannah

I got to the bathroom and tried desperately not to cry. I could feel my body trembling and hoped that Axel had noticed. I had surprised myself by not covering my body with him around even though every single part of me wanted to run under the covers and cry. How long had he been watching me? Was he comparing my body to the way he had remembered it from six years ago? Was he disappointed? Was he laughing at me? I couldn’t tell by the look on his face. Although, I was sure I hadn’t seen any of the desire that I remembered seeing from him once upon a time.

“You’re very sweet; you know that?”

I still remembered the words he had uttered to me all those years ago. He’d been the only man to have ever called me sweet. The only man to have ever picked me and carried me to bed. Why did I still remember those details when so many other memories were blurred inside my head? It frustrated me that he had left such a big mark on my life. Did he still have those thoughts about me? I doubted it.

I hadn’t had a boyfriend in a very long time. Not since long before I met Axel. When I’d met him, I’d come out of a longish relationship and hadn’t been ready to settle. Then, I’d fallen pregnant and decided that I needed to be myself. I’d thought about it over the years. After all, I was still a woman, and I still had desires and dreams. But I’d never met anyone worth making the effort for. I’d gone on a few dates, each one as miserable as the next. The last time I’d been on a date had been eight months ago, and afterward, I’d sworn I would never date again.

Peter Farson was a hot-blooded thirty-two-year-old man with a particular penchant for tall women. Naturally, this was something I viewed as a major bonus, o when he asked me out on a date using that as his opening line, I agreed. He was a good-looking man, although perhaps not my type. He was very clean cut, very ‘suit and tie.’ It was a look I had never been keen on. But I was not one to judge someone by the way they looked and decided it was worth a try. I liked the way that he looked at me, and I was happy when he didn’t flinch at the idea of me having a son. I’d left Bobby with my father and gone on the date.

It had been the first time I’d dressed up in a long time, and even Bobby had been taken aback by it. My father told me I looked beautiful and seemed happy that I was finally going out into the world. Although he never said it to my face, I knew he worried about me all the time. When Peter saw me, he whistled and told me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He took me to a fancy restaurant where we ordered fancy food and fancy wine. I hadn’t been spoiled like that in such a long time. All my money went towards making sure Bobby had a good life for himself. It was nice to sit back and let someone else worry for a change. And, for the most part, Peter and I had a good night. Things were a little stilted at first, and I wasn’t sure if he was the right one for me, but I changed my mind as the night progressed. Although, looking back, I could now see that had everything to do with amount of wine we had consumed and nothing to do with me actually having a change of heart.

After the dinner, he asked if I wanted to come back to his place for coffee. He’d winked, and instead of cringing, I’d laughed. We both knew what he meant by coffee. I said yes, mostly because I was having such a good time, and also because I wanted to sober up before going home.

Back at his house, he’d kissed me as soon as we walked through the door. I hadn’t been kissed by a man in such a long time that I felt my entire body melt in his presence. He had given me a boost of confidence that I so dearly needed. While he was watching, I took my clothes off, doing a bit of a fun striptease at the same time. I only stopped when I saw the frown on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. I suddenly realized how bright the room was. I felt too exposed, with nowhere to go. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. I felt desperate to pick up my clothes again. The warm fuzzy feeling I had felt not so long ago had gone, and I now felt stone cold sober.

“Oh, uh, nothing,” he said. But I saw that he was looking at my stomach.

I looked down at the lines of stretch marks that my pregnancy had left me with and I looked back at him in surprise. Was he really turned off by the way I looked? I knew my body wasn’t what it used to be, but did it matter? Surely he knew that a woman my age wouldn’t be perfect.

“They’re stretch marks,” I told him. “You know, from the pregnancy.”

He nodded. “Ah, yes. I forgot you had a baby.” I didn’t like the way he said that. Clearly, he had forgotten all about Bobby. I thought of Bobby then and wished that I was home with him instead, cuddled on the sofa as usual.

“Yeah, is that a problem for you?”

“Well, no. Of course not. It’s okay; it just took me by surprise. That’s all. No need to worry. Let’s not stop what we had started. In fact, let’s go to the room. There’s a dimmer for the light there.”

I stared at him in shock. “You only want to make love to me if you can’t see me?”

“I don’t want to make love to you. I want to have sex with you,” he said. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. I just thought, you know, with you being so tall, that you would be more model-like. I’m not put off by it. I just need to get used to it. That’s all.” Then he had the nerve to smile at me as if what he had said was actually okay.

“Take me home.”

We’d driven home in complete silence. I’d slammed the car door when I got out and promised myself that I would never date again. At least Bobby loved me for who I was. Marks and all.

And now, here I was again, feeling ashamed of myself. I didn’t want to feel that way. I loved my body. I had looked at myself in the mirror only a few days ago and felt proud of the person I was. Sure, I didn’t look exactly the same as I used to. But I had a beautiful, healthy boy because of it, and for that, I should be grateful. Why then did I feel so hurt by the way that Axel had looked at me? Why did it hurt so much more than it had with Peter? Why did I want him to like me so much? I wiped away the tears and stood under the warm water. The worst part of it was that sitting completely naked in front of Axel like that had actually turned me on. I felt between my legs and noticed I was still wet because of it. I knew that he didn’t feel the same way, and that infuriated me more than anything. It wasn’t fair. I closed my eyes and felt the water wash over me and made a promise to myself that I would never let that happen again. I’d have to tell him that he wasn’t allowed in my room. It might be his house, but that didn’t give him the right to come barging in like that.

I opened my eyes and screamed when I saw Axel standing in front of me. I stepped away from under the water and glared at him. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, but I tried not to show it. If he thought I was going to hide away from him, he was wrong. This was my body, and I was proud of it. I didn’t care what stupid men like Peter or Axel had to say about it.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing here? You can’t just come in like this when I’m showering!”

But Axel didn’t answer me. First, I saw his gaze trail up and down my body, taking me in. I wondered if he was going to laugh until I saw the look of pure desire on his face. Then, before I knew what was happening, he had taken his clothes off and had stepped into the shower with me. I tried to speak but I couldn’t because he had pinned me against the wall of the shower and was kissing me with a hunger even greater than the first time our lips had met. I kissed him back even though I wished I could resist him. The moment his lips were on mine, and his tongue had found mine, I knew it was something that I had been waiting to have happen again for six years. Six long and lonely years.

Axel’s hands were all over me. He leaned down and kissed my neck, and then went down further to kiss my breasts, sucking gently at each wet nipple as the water poured over our bodies. He trailed down to my stomach, and I felt my body stiffen at the feel of his lips against my stretch marks. But he continued to lick them and touch me as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world. My legs parted as he made his way in between my legs, his tongue searching inside my folds. Water was still splashing against us, and the cold shower door contrasted enticingly with the warmth of his body. When he came back up, I reached out and felt for him, happy to feel how hard he was against my hand. I cupped him, and he groaned. I pulled in towards me, and he thrust against me until he was inside me. I didn’t know it was possible to have sex in the shower. I thought that was something they just showed on TV. But with Axel, it seemed that anything was possible.

I came hard and fast. I hadn’t had an orgasm in such a long time, not even by my own hands. And I had forgotten how incredible and freeing it felt to let go like that. I felt him shudder inside me as I clenched around him, and I knew that he had come too.

When it was over, we stood there just looking at each other. He gulped, then got out of the shower to grab a towel and put on his clothes. I stayed in the shower to finish washing my hair, but mostly because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no idea how to react. Suddenly his head popped back into the shower. I couldn’t figure out his expression at all and had no idea what he was thinking.

“That’s not going to happen again,” he said, and I felt my heart shatter on the floor. I hoped he didn’t see how devastated I was. “But I am still taking you to work. I’ll wait for you upstairs and we can go when you’re ready.”

And just like that, he was gone. I closed my eyes. My body was more relaxed than it had been in years, but my mind felt like it was spinning out of control. What the hell had just happened?