Chapter Six

Savannah

I sat in the garage wondering what to do with myself. Bobby was fast asleep, completely unaware of what was happening. I often wished I could be more like him. He didn’t seem to get fazed by anything in life. As far as he was concerned, as long as he was me, he was safe and happy. He probably figured I had everything all sorted out for him. He probably thought he was on vacation right now. More than likely, he was loving the change of scenery. Only I was worried. I still couldn’t believe that I had finally come clean with Axel. Trying to explain myself to him was the hardest moment of my life, and I could see how hurt he was. There was anger in his eyes as he looked at his son. I tried to explain that I had only done it to protect him, but he would not listen to me. He could barely look me in the eyes when I spoke.

Despite that, he’d helped me out with a place to stay, and for that, I would be eternally grateful. Although, I knew it wasn’t really his idea. His uncle had walked in and overheard some of the conversation. He’d taken one look at Bobby and invited me to stay with him until I sorted myself out. I’d said yes even though I knew it wasn’t the best idea. If anybody found out that I was there, I’d be in huge trouble. Of all the places that I could turn to, the home of XMC’s direct competition was probably not the wisest choice. I had no idea how involved Axel or his uncle were with the motorcycle club anymore, but I knew that wouldn’t matter to Duke. The feud between them ran deep and would not be easily forgiven. For years I had tried to believe in my father and believe in his club, but now I wasn’t sure why I'd bothered. My father would never have taken in someone from the other side. And, even though he hadn’t said anything, I was sure that Axel’s father knew more about who I was than he was letting on. I wondered if he would say anything to Axel, but I got the distinct impression he wasn’t that sort of guy. He’d help out, and he’d keep his distance. I was sure of it.

I looked around the room. It was nice to have a place to stay, but it made me feel like I had made some poor choices in my life. It made me suddenly ashamed of everything. When had things gone so hopelessly wrong for me? Why had I always allowed other people to dictate my life? It was time to change all of that and to take matters into my own hands. But how? Where did I even begin? And, now that I was out of the club, how was I going to look after Bobby? I barely had enough money to look after myself. I’d looked at my bank balance that morning. I had enough to get by for a few months, but it was not enough to make a living out of. I saw Bobby stirring and went to see him.

“Hey, my boy. Did you sleep well?”

He smiled. “Yes. I had the funniest dream.”

I smiled back. It was impossible not to feel happy when he smiled at me. “You did? Tell me all about it.” Bobby had the most impressive imagination. I was sure that he was going to grow up to be an artist or writer, or something in the creative field. He woke up almost every morning with tales of his dreams. He had told me once that it was why he loved going to sleep so much: because he always knew that he was in for an adventure.

“I had a dream that my body was covered in totos.”

“In what?”

“Totos,” he said again.

“What are those?”

He giggled. “You know, those colorful things that people put on their arms.”

I laughed. “Oh, you mean tattoos.”

“Tattoos. Yes, that’s what I said. I had them all over. Red, blue, green, black. You couldn’t even see my skin anymore. It was so funny. I was laughing and laughing when I looked at my skin. And I turned into the toto monster.”

“Ooh, were you a good monster or a bad one?”

“A good one of course. I am always the good monster. And sometimes I defeat the bad ones. But I used to eat all the crayons. That was how I got all the marks. When I ate a yellow crayon, I would get a yellow drawing. When I ate a red crayon, I would get a red drawing. But everyone loved me.”

“Wow, that’s a cool story. I wish I could see what you looked like. What if you ran out of crayons?”

“I never ran out of crayons, silly. It’s a dream, remember? You can do whatever you want in a dream.” He looked at me as if I had lost my marbles.

I laughed. “Of course. I’m so silly. How could I forget? You can do whatever you want in a dream. That’s the best part of it all. Well, I’m going to call you the toto monster from now on.” I said. I liked that he’d reverted back to saying toto. It was incredibly cute. “Well, toto monster, would you like to go out and play for a bit?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. Well, let’s go sit on the patch of grass outside, and you can play as much as you want. I’ll bring a ball.”

“Are you coming too?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said. There was no way I was letting him out of my sight in a place I didn’t know well. “I’ll come and get a little bit of sun. It will be nice to sit outside for a while.” I really had nothing else to do with my day. Axel said he would come around to see me once he had fully digested what I had told him. I had no idea how long that would be. Hours? Days? Weeks? I didn’t know what to do with myself. But, then again, I couldn’t really get upset. I had left him for six years.

But, it wasn’t a few years of waiting. Axel pulled up about half an hour later on a beautiful bike. Even though I didn’t race anymore, I still admired bikes like I used to. Maybe even more now that I wasn’t as involved with them. I saw Bobby’s face light up as he rushed towards the bike.

“Careful, Bobby,” I yelled. But Bobby had taken an instant liking to Axel and had rushed up to him without any sort of trepidation or fear.

“Guess what?” Bobby said to him. “I’m a toto monster!”

Axel laughed. “A what?”

“A toto monster!”

“Ooh, are you scary?”

“No! I eat crayons.”

“Oh, that’s my favorite thing to eat.”

“Really?” Bobby said. “Is that how you got all your totos too?”

Axel frowned. I chuckled at the exchange. He clearly had no idea what Bobby was talking about. I got up and smiled at him.

“He’s referring to your tattoos,” I said to Axel. “He had a dream that he was covered in them. He got them by eating crayons.”

Axel chuckled and looked back down at Bobby. “Wow, that’s some imagination you have there, kid.”

“It was a dream. Do you dream too?”

“All the time. I love dreaming.”

“Me too!” Bobby said to his new best friend. “It’s like going on an adventure. Mom says it’s like reading a book. But I’m not sure why.”

Axel looked up at me. Our eyes locked and I gulped. I felt so nervous around him. “Your mommy is right. It’s just like reading a book. And adventures are the best!”

“You’re cool.”

“Thank you, Bobby. That’s nice of you to say. I think you’re pretty cool too.”

They talked a little more, and then Bobby went to admire the bike. Axel walked up to me, and I realized that I had been holding my breath. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept wiping my hands on my jeans. It wasn’t even such a hot day, but my palms felt sweaty.

“Good day?” I said just so that I could fill their air with something other than silence. It was easy when Bobby was around. I could use him as a distraction. Without him, I felt at a complete loss for words.

He nodded. “It was fine. How about you?”

“Good. Thank you again for helping out. I . . .”

“It’s fine.”

I gulped. “Uh, look, Axel. I just want to say how sorry I am again about all of this. I know this was a huge surprise.”

He put his hand up as if to say he didn’t want to hear more. Again, I saw that he wasn't looking at me in the eye. He looked down at his feet, and then back out at Bobby.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, and I don’t know why you never told me about Bobby. I have a million emotions running through my head right now. But he seems like such a nice kid, and I completely believe that he’s mine. I mean, look at him. It’s obvious.”

I looked over at Bobby and nodded. Bobby looked so much like Axel; it wouldn’t take a genius to figure it out. I was wondering if he was going to demand a paternity test, but I knew that just taking one look at Bobby would give him all the answers he was looking for.

“Yeah,” I said. “He looks just like you.”

“I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I want to be there for him, no matter what that means. So, for now, I’d like the two of you to come and live with me. I’ll make some space for both of you. I’d like to at least get to know the kid.”

I was shocked. That was the last thing that I expected him to say. Even though his uncle had helped me out, I still thought that Axel was going to tell me to leave. 

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you.”

He nodded and shifted uncomfortably from side to side.

“Well, I’m going to go. I have stuff to do. I’ll come around tomorrow to get your stuff. I’ll let Pop know too. I . . . uh . . . well, see you later,” he stuttered and walked to the car. I watched as she ruffled Bobby’s hair and then hopped onto his bike. Then, just before riding off, he called out to me. “This does not mean that I’ve forgiven you, Savannah. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever will.”

He rode off, and the weight of his words hit me like a brick. I sat down, put my face in my hands and sobbed. I had been wanting to cry since I’d arrived, but I had been trying so hard to stay strong for Bobby. I looked up in shock as I realized I was now crying with him right in front of me. Bobby was standing next to me, his eyes wide in concern.

“What’s wrong, Mommy?” he asked.

I wiped away my tears and forced myself to smile. “Nothing is wrong, my darling. I’m just tired.”

He nodded. “I also sometimes get sad when I haven’t slept.”

I chuckled. “Well, maybe I’ll go on an adventure tonight.”

“Maybe you’ll meet the toto monster!”

“I sure hope so,” I said and kissed him on the top of his head. No matter what happened in life, no matter what poor decisions I had made, I still had Bobby, and for that, I was still the luckiest woman alive.