CHAPTER 14
MACKENNA
The sun had fully set and the stars were popping up in the darkening sky. Fireflies lit up the yard. The sound of cicadas filled the air.
It was the perfect summer evening.
Or, at least, it would’ve been if I wasn’t scared for my life.
The warm water felt soothing as I sank down into the hot tub, taking the seat across from Jimmy. The motion detector light on the side of the garage turned on, bathing the backyard in a calming yellow glow.
I hadn’t gone swimming in ages. The floral-print one-piece swimsuit I found at the bottom of one of my unpacked boxes still had the tags on when I dug it out. Tugging at the halter straps, I tried to relax but it wasn’t easy.
Tension and fear remained at the forefront of my mind.
There wasn’t much the police could do since there was no way for me to prove the note was from Jaxon. Basically, they said they would look into it. They could question him, but he could deny it. If I really wanted to take it a step further, I could apply for a restraining order.
All of it sounded like one big headache.
Water splashed as Jimmy stood up and leaned over the side of the hot tub. I admired the way the wet black swim trunks molded to his ass. When he turned back toward me, he had both arms behind his back.
“Pick a hand.” Grinning, he hopped up and down a little, causing rivulets of water to run down his chest. One of the drops disappeared into his belly button, and I imagined myself licking him there. My gaze drifted down, following the dark trail of hair into the waistband of his shorts.
My eyes darted up to his, and I wondered if he caught me checking him out. From the smirk on his face, I concluded the answer to that was yes.
“Come on, pick one,” he insisted, and I pointed to the right side. He revealed an empty hand. “You’re not very good at this game.”
With a sigh I shrugged, and Jimmy showed me his left, which held a stainless-steel flask. He passed it to me.
“What’s this?” I asked, screwing off the cap and bringing it to my nose.
“Liquid courage.”
My face scrunched up at the smell of the whiskey, but I tipped it back anyway. Coughing because of the way it burned on the way down, I wiped at my mouth and handed it back to him.
He gave me an expectant look as he took a swig. I knew what he wanted to talk about, but I wasn’t ready yet.
Taking the flask back, I did two shots in a row. Jimmy raised his eyebrows in surprise, but didn’t say anything as he waited for me to spill my history.
“Where did you get alcohol?” I asked, delaying the inevitable conversation. “You’re not old enough.”
“My grandma keeps a bottle of Jack on hand for ‘medicinal purposes’,” he said, putting air-quotes around the words.
I giggled, feeling warm from the effects of the alcohol already. I’d always been a light-weight, and I hadn’t eaten much for dinner. My appetite was gone after getting that note.
The anxiety that consumed me earlier returned, and Jimmy must have been able to see it on my face. With his eyes on the house, he started humming ‘John Deere Green’ by Joe Diffie.
Effectively distracted, I let out a laugh that sounded more like a snort. He went all the way through the chorus, singing a word here and there.
“Not bad, James Peabody,” I teased, and he scowled at the name. “You can actually carry a tune.”
“So can you.”
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. “And how do you know that?”
He took a sip. “I heard you the other day. Your window doesn’t do much to muffle sound.”
“Oh,” I said awkwardly. “Guess it’s time to have my windows replaced.”
Jimmy’s eyes met mine. “It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Thanks.” I played with some of the bubbles on the surface of the water. “But for the record, I don’t sing in front of people anymore unless it’s for songwriting purposes.”
“Not even your friends?”
“I don’t really have any.”
Giving me a look, Jimmy raised his hand and pointed at himself.
I laughed. “Well, if we’re going to be friends, I feel like I need to come clean about something.”
“What’s that?”
“I lied about ‘Barbie Girl’,” I confessed. “While that song does have an appropriate time and place, it wouldn’t be my first pick if I had to choose a forever-song.”
“You don’t say,” he responded sarcastically. “So, what is it then?”
“‘Crash’ by Dave Matthews Band,” I told him. “It brings back good memories because it was the first song I taught myself on the guitar.”
“How old were you when you learned to play?” he asked.
“Twelve.”
He grinned. “That’s awesome. It’s great that you found your calling so young.”
“So, what are your talents?” I asked, switching the conversation back to him.
A flicker of insecurity crossed his face, and he looked down at the water. “Still trying to figure that out. Apparently, being able to do a 55-second keg stand doesn’t count for much. I guess I don’t have a lot going for me right now.”
I frowned at his self-deprecating comments. “I bet that’s not true. And by the way, ‘Dream On’ is an excellent song choice.”
“Yeah?” He smiled.
“Yeah.” I smiled back.
“So,” he started, his usual cockiness returning. “Are there any more requirements for our friendship?”
“Yes, actually. You have to tell me about your back tattoo.”
Smirking, he stood up in the water and angled his back toward the light. The angel wings spanned his entire upper back. As I looked closer, I was finally able to read the words woven into the intricate feathers.
I raised my hand, wanting to trace the lines.
“You can touch it,” he said as if he could sense my fingers hovering over his skin.
I gave in to the desire and lightly trailed my fingers over the left side. The seven deadly sins.
Pride.
Greed.
Lust.
Envy.
Gluttony.
Wrath.
Sloth.
And on the right side were the seven virtues.
Humility.
Charity.
Chastity.
Kindness.
Temperance.
Patience.
Diligence.
When my fingers were done with their thorough inspection, I stepped away and sat down into the water.
“Why?” I gestured toward him, referring to the tattoo.
He settled back into his spot across from me. “To remind myself that even though people have faults, there’s a flipside. Redemption is obtainable for anyone who wants it.”
“Wow,” I said, impressed. “That’s really beautiful.”
The conversation stalled. I took the flask from Jimmy and managed to swallow a huge gulp. When I gave it back, he drained the rest and tossed the container onto the grass. I was momentarily disappointed that the alcohol was gone, but then he bent over the side again and came back with two beers.
“I think I owe you an apology,” I admitted as he handed me one of the bottles. “I haven’t been myself with you. After the way I’ve acted, you must think I have, like, zero sense of humor.”
“Sometimes I’m not very funny.” His body bobbed up and down in the water, and his nipple piercings peeked out.
Refusing to be distracted, I continued. “I knew you were just teasing, but I didn’t want to like it.”
“But you did like it?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“And that’s a bad thing because…?”
“Because you’re hot,” I blurted out.
He laughed. “Is that a problem?”
“Yeah,” I said, the buzz helping me to be more straightforward. “It’s a big problem.”
“I like it when you’re honest.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Because I tell you you’re hot?”
“Well, yeah,” he smirked cockily. “But also because I want to know you. Here’s the deal.” He sat up straighter, squaring his muscular shoulders. “Let’s have a give-me-your-shit conversation.”
“What the hell is that?”
“That’s where we tell each other our secrets—the things we’re afraid to say. No judgment, just honesty. Lay it all out there.”
“All of it?”
“As much as you’re willing to say. I’ll even go first.”
“Okay…” I agreed reluctantly.
“Remember how I said I didn’t do well at school? Well, I went to college with a plan and when things didn’t go the way I thought they should, I kinda lost my shit. After my high school girlfriend broke up with me, I fell into some bad habits.”
I took a second to process his confession. “So you were heartbroken?”
“Yes and no. I’m not sure how deep my feelings for her really went, but being dumped sucked,” he said. “My way of dealing with it was to party. I drank a lot. Slept around a little. Neither fixed anything.”
“By slept around, you mean…?”
“A few casual hook-ups. It wasn’t hard to find girls who were just looking for a good time.” Biting his lip, he seemed to be holding back.
“Come on, Jimmy. All of it,” I reminded him.
Blowing out a breath, he raked a wet hand through his hair. The dampness caused it to stick up in certain places, and I liked the way it looked out of place.
“Guys are supposed to like that sort of thing, you know? It was easy. No feelings involved. But in the morning, I always just ended up feeling sort of empty. And that loneliness made me want to fill the void with more partying, more girls. It was a destructive cycle. And that’s how I failed my freshman year of college,” he finished with a shrug.
I was taken aback by his honesty. “Well, hey, at least you’re owning it and not making excuses for yourself.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s one way of looking at it. I’m trying to turn things around, get my priorities straight.” Playfully splashing water at me, he said, “Now it’s your turn.”
Taking a deep breath, I tried to think of where to start. The truth was, my story didn’t begin with Jaxon.
“When I was younger, I was the chubby kid with glasses and bad hair. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I wasn’t athletic and I wasn’t super smart, so I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere,” I explained. “The summer before my junior year I dropped fifteen pounds and grew a couple inches. Mom said I was a late bloomer. I got contacts and new clothes. I changed so much that some people thought I was a new kid when school started back up. I was shy, naïve, and completely inexperienced when it came to boys. I was the perfect target for someone like Jaxon. He was intense, obsessive, predatory. I just didn’t know enough at the time to be able to recognize how dangerous he was.”
“How old were you?”
“Sixteen. He was the first person to ever show interest in dating me, and I jumped at the chance. I just wanted a boyfriend.” I huffed out a humorless laugh at how pathetic that sounded. “He was nice for the first few weeks, then his true colors came through. He was abusive in pretty much every way. Physically, emotionally, sexually.”
The silence that stretched between us was beyond uncomfortable, and I wondered if I’d said too much.
“Did he rape you?” Jimmy’s voice came out quiet and raspy, like he was afraid to know the answer.
I stared at the bright green house as I thought about how the sexual abuse started right away. All the times Jaxon wouldn’t listen when I said no. How angry he would get, and how that anger turned into physical force.
“I didn’t see it like that at the time… I mean, he was my boyfriend, you know? We went on dates and stuff. I finally had someone to take me to the homecoming dance,” I said, recalling how exciting it was at first. “And after he pushed me into doing things I wasn’t ready for, he’d just tell me he couldn’t help himself. That he loved me too much to stop.”
“That’s bullshit,” Jimmy growled. “That’s not love.”
“I know that now.” Familiar shame washed over me. “And I think part of me knew it then, too. But I didn’t tell anyone. I was too ashamed, and he banked on that. I ended up shutting out my family and friends until he was the only person I had left.”
“So what happened the night he went to jail? I could look it up, but I’d rather hear it from you.”
“Long story short? He broke into my house with the plan to kill me, then himself,” I stated, matter-of-factly. “I shot him. He didn’t plan on me defending myself. The trial was pretty cut and dried. The voicemails, the texts, and the 9-1-1 call made his intentions clear.” I shuddered at reliving the details. “Plus, he was armed with a baseball bat and his stepfather’s hunting knife.”
“Motherfucker,” Jimmy cursed through gritted teeth.
“And to make matters worse, when shit hit the fan it was like the whole town turned against me,” I added.
“Who turned against you?” he asked, sounding angry on my behalf.
“Basically the entire school. I guess it’s an exaggeration to say the whole town, but when you’re in high school it feels that way. The end of my senior year was me just trying to lay low and keep my head down until graduation.”
I went on to tell him about the harassment, egging, and vandalism on my locker. I didn’t leave any details out. He wanted the truth and I gave it to him. When I was done, his mouth pressed into a thin line.
“I can’t believe you went through that alone.”
I huffed. “I can’t believe I was such a doormat.”
“Hey.” His voice was firm, yet gentle at the same time. “You were sixteen, Mack. There’s a difference between being young and being a doormat. He took advantage of you. You are not a doormat.”
“Not anymore,” I agreed. “And I’m not a damsel in distress either. I shot him once and I’d do it again.”
“Have you been able to date since then?” he asked, shifting from one uncomfortable subject to another.
When I thought about the one relationship I had a couple years ago—if you could even call it a relationship—I felt embarrassment mixed with a little regret. “I dated a guy in Nashville. He was nice.”
“Nice?”
“Yeah. Normal and nice.”
“And did you…uh…” Jimmy didn’t have to finish the sentence for me to know what he was asking.
I gave a sharp nod. “I tried. The sex was…okay. It only happened a few times before we both decided we were better off as friends.”
“So, he was nice and the sex was okay.”
Grimacing, I took another drink. “I tried so hard to be normal because I just wanted to feel something. But I had a bit of an issue…”
“What issue?” Jimmy tipped his bottle back, like maybe he needed some liquid courage, too.
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” I muttered. I blew out a breath before continuing. “I would kind of freak out if I wasn’t the one on top. Needless to say, that made things awkward.”
I inwardly cringed when I thought about the panic attack that followed my first attempt at intimacy since Jaxon. Talk about a way to ruin the mood. Jeremy was a bass guitarist I’d met at an open mic night. He was quiet, kind of shy, and he was in the business for the right reason—he loved making music. We bonded over the common interest, but the physical chemistry between us had been lacking and I was never able to feel comfortable with him.
“You needed to feel like you were the one in control,” Jimmy concluded. “That makes sense.”
Feeling exposed, I looked away. “You can be honest. You must think I’m pretty messed up, huh?”
“Anyone would be messed up after that,” he replied.
He didn’t completely answer my question, but at least he didn’t try to deny it that he thought I was messed up. This was supposed to be an honest conversation, after all.
I chugged the rest of my beer and glanced over to find Jimmy watching me.
“Please stop looking at me like that.” My voice came out small.
“Like what?”
“Like you feel sorry for me.”
His jaw clenched. “I could kill him for what he did to you.”
“I already tried that,” I said in a sing-song voice, my intoxication level going from tipsy to full-on drunk.
“Have you talked to someone about it?” Jimmy asked. “Like a doctor or something?”
I nodded. “Yep. I went to therapy for a year when I moved down to Nashville. It was the one thing my parents asked me to do when I left. I even attended a support group for a while.”
“Did it help?”
“Not really.” I pinned him with my gaze, wanting to appear strong. “Yes, the experience changed me, but I’m not ruined.”
“I don’t think you’re ruined,” he said sincerely. “I like you just the way you are.”
Pushing off the wall, Jimmy floated over to me, closing the four-foot gap between us. He took the empty beer from my hand and placed the bottles outside the hot tub.
Then he sat next to me.
My breathing hitched when he linked his pinky finger with mine underneath the water.
A gesture of support. How could such a small action make me feel so safe?
I could feel his eyes on me but I didn’t dare look his way. Instead, I tightened my finger around his and relaxed back into the water. We sat that way for several minutes in silence as I soaked up the physical contact.
We’d been still for so long that the motion detector light turned off. Jimmy’s finger rubbed against mine and it made me wish for something more.
If I tried hard enough, I could almost imagine that I was just a normal twenty-one-year old girl sitting next to a guy I was crushing on.
Jimmy shifted toward me like he was preparing to say something, but I broke the silence first.
“So, the friends with benefits thing. That’s something you’ve done before?”
He took several seconds to respond and his answer was short. “Yeah.”
Feeling bold from the alcohol, I made a desperate suggestion. “Could we do that? Be friends with benefits, I mean.”
“No,” he responded quickly, as if the very idea of being with me like that was out of the question.
Ouch.
My cheeks flamed, and I was glad it was too dark for him to see it. Humiliation from the rejection was a total buzzkill.
Suddenly, I felt ridiculous for throwing myself at Jimmy. Here I’d been thinking we were on the same page, and he was just trying to be a friend.
“Okay.” I stood up on shaky legs, causing the water to splash around me. The light came back on and I tried to climb out of the hot tub without slipping on my ass. Grabbing a towel off the patio chair, I hastily wrapped it around my waist. “You’re right. That was a really bad idea. ’Bye, Jimmy.”
Turning quickly, I started back toward my house.
“Mack, wait!” I heard splashing behind me and I walked faster, determined to end this awkward-as-hell night.
“Goodnight,” I called without stopping.
I heard an “oh shit” followed by a thud, and I turned to see Jimmy sprawled out on the lawn.
Fantastic.
He was wasted.
And that meant I couldn’t even seduce a drunk guy.
But despite how embarrassed I was, I couldn’t just leave him there.
Trudging back over, I nudged his shoulder with my foot. “Hey.” Nothing. I did it again. “Hey.” Still no response. Bending down, I shook him with my hand. “Jim—”
My word turned into a screech because he grabbed me, pulled me on top of him, then rolled us until we were laying side by side. It took me a moment to focus on Jimmy’s face.
He grinned. “Fooled you.”