CHAPTER 48
MACKENNA
On the drive back to Tolson, the familiar chords of ‘If Only’ came through the radio, followed by the vocals from The Princess and the Pariah.
Normally, I would change the station because I’d heard this song a thousand times, but something made me keep it on.
Most people assumed this was a breakup song when, in fact, it was about the duet’s father. But as I listened to the lyrics, they took on a new meaning while I thought about going back to my empty house.
I can almost hear your voice,
Through the halls of the house that we built,
Days go by and your memory won’t fade,
A piece of me died when you walked away,
I hope you find what you’re looking for,
Because I’d give anything to hold you in my arms again,
You could take the pain away,
If only… If only for a day…
When I turned onto my street, I held my breath as I searched for Jimmy’s station wagon.
I didn’t see it.
I pulled in to my driveway and craned my neck, desperately searching for that damn car. The saggin’ wagon was nowhere to be found.
But I still needed closure.
I stepped out of my car and bypassed my house, walking across the yard to my neighbor’s front porch. Giving myself five solid seconds to mentally prepare for any outcome, I took a few deep breaths while anxiously shuffling my feet.
Then I knocked.
When the screen door creaked open, Beverly’s head popped out. “Well, hi!”
“Hi, Beverly.” I forced a smile. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling great,” she said, her voice hushed. Quickly glancing behind her, she turned back to me. “But don’t tell Ernie. He’s doting on me something fierce, and I’m milking it for all it’s worth.”
That time I smiled for real. She was so crazy.
Mustering up the courage, I asked her what I came over to find out. “Is Jimmy here?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mackenna,” she replied with a sympathetic look. “Jimmy moved out two days ago.”
“Oh,” I breathed out, my heart breaking into a million pieces.
“I’ll tell you what.” She smiled broadly. “You come visit me tomorrow, and I’ll have a fresh batch of lemonade for you, okay?”
Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Okay.”
After the door shut, tears filled my eyes. It was so silly of me to think he’d be here waiting.
At least now I had my answer.
Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other, I traveled the short distance back to my house while trying to work out the details of the future in my head.
I could be a single mom. I made enough money to support myself, and working from home would be ideal for raising a child. Once I told Jimmy the news, I could let him decide how involved he wanted to be.
I had yet to turn on my cell phone, and I dug it out of my purse to do just that. Stopping in the grass, I stared down at it.
Changing my mind, I dropped it back into my bag.
No phone calls today. No texts. I just wanted to give myself one more day to grieve while eating mass quantities of ice cream sandwiches.
Then I would face reality.
Before I could reach my door, I stopped. There was a purple guitar pick taped to the knob. When I grabbed it, I realized there was a tiny piece of paper taped to the back.
My heart pounded as I unfolded it.
Rule #1- I hope you think of me every time you use this pick.
This was it. This was his goodbye.
The night we made those silly rules seemed like a lifetime ago, and I hadn’t thought about them much since then. But Jimmy remembered the part about the guitar picks.
The first thing I did when I got inside was head to the kitchen, ready for my ice cream sandwich binge. Hot tears streamed down my face and a sniffle turned into a hiccup as I dropped my purse onto the counter.
The silence I used to love so much was unsettling.
Hollow.
So lonely.
I could hear the faint ticking of the clock on the mantel in the living room, and every quiet click taunted me.
Then I looked down at my belly. This house wouldn’t be quiet for much longer. Part of Jimmy was still here—would always be here—no matter what.
I walked to the fridge, but I stopped short again because another pick was taped to the freezer door.
Rule #2- I hope you sing to me every day.
Face scrunching up in confusion, I walked into the living room, trying to figure out what the hell that meant.
I screamed when I saw someone sitting in my favorite chair. Instantly, I recognized the green eyes looking back at me.
“Jesus, Jimmy!” I put my hand to my chest where my heart threatened to beat right out of my body. “You scared the crap out of me. What the hell are you doing?”
He rubbed a thumb over his lower lip. “Waiting for you.”
I gaped at him for several seconds. “Where’s your car?”
“In Grandma’s garage. I wanted this to be a surprise.” With an unreadable expression, he spread his hands. “Surprise.”
“But Beverly just said you moved out.” Baffled, I pointed in the direction of my neighbor’s house.
“I did,” Jimmy confirmed, then hiked a thumb over his shoulder. “Welcome home, honey.”
My eyes landed on a stack of five cardboard boxes labeled ‘James Peabody’.
It was then that I noticed other new objects around my house. A black blanket was folded over the back of my couch. Three different types of men’s shoes were lined up inside the front door.
A hiccup left me when I saw the framed picture on the mantel.
A new wave of tears filled my eyes when I picked it up. It was Jimmy and me at the wedding. We wore bright smiles as we sat together at our table. He’d had Alma take a picture of us sometime between the cake and the Hokey Pokey dance.
My eyes bounced back to Jimmy. “You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, but I am.”
“You moved into my house?” I asked incredulously.
He nodded. “It’s gonna take more than some crappy letter to get rid of me, Mack.”
“But—but,” I sputtered. “I thought you were leaving. Aren’t you supposed to be back in Ohio right now?”
Instead of answering me he glanced down, his face full of pain. “Why did you want me to leave?”
“I—I didn’t. I don’t,” I said, exasperated. “But that’s what you said. You said you were leaving.”
Now he looked confused. “When did I say that?”
There was no way for me to admit how I’d learned that information without revealing the fact that I’d basically stalked his ex. Blowing out a breath, I decided to be honest.
I told him how I saw a girl show up at his grandma’s house asking for him, how I followed her, and how I eavesdropped on their conversation.
His lips twitched. “I take it you didn’t stick around to hear everything?”
“No.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I didn’t want to be a bystander to your reunion.”
Throwing his head back, Jimmy laughed.
“Glad to see my heartbreak is entertaining to you,” I grumbled.
His smile slowly fell away. “The truth is, I did plan on going back to my parents’ house, but it was just to get some more of my stuff before I moved here for good. And I was going to ask you to come with me.”
“Oh,” I breathed out awkwardly. “So you’re not getting back together with your ex?”
“No.”
“Oh,” I repeated, suddenly feeling ridiculous. Happy and relieved, but ridiculous nonetheless.
I’d just made a pretty big mess over nothing. If I hadn’t made assumptions, my misery over the last few days could’ve been avoided.
And now that I took a closer look at Jimmy, I noticed the stubble on his jaw and the dark circles under his eyes. I wondered if he’d been just as miserable.
He’d spent the last two months showing me that he was worthy of my trust, and at the first sign of doubt, I bailed.
And I felt terrible.
“I’m so sorry, Jimmy,” I said sincerely. “I made a mistake. A really big mistake.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Holding up the letter I left him, he waved it in the air a couple times. “If you have any doubts about the way I feel about you, that’s on me. See, I wasn’t completely upfront with you about my feelings.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come here,” he requested and my feet obeyed, closing the distance between us. He held out his fists with a smirk. “You know what to do.”
I tapped his right hand and his smile grew. “Good choice.”
When he opened it, another guitar pick sat in his palm. I unfolded the strip of paper on the back.
Rule #3- Fuck rule number three. I love you.
I stared at it for several long seconds, trying to catch up with the emotional whiplash overloading my system.
Jimmy loved me.
He wasn’t leaving.
He freaking moved in with me.
“Mack, I’ve loved you for a while now,” he said. “I don’t even care if you don’t say it back. All I can do is hope that someday you’ll love me as much as I love you.”
Climbing onto his lap, I placed both hands on his face. I rubbed my thumb over his bottom lip before confessing my feelings.
“Knock-knock.”
A slow grin appeared on Jimmy’s lips. “Who’s there?”
“I love you, too, Jimmy.”
“That’s not even a joke,” he responded quietly.
My face serious, I slowly shook my head. “No. It’s not.”
His eyes got watery, and he blinked a few times before looking down. Seeing this big strong guy brought to tears was nearly my undoing.
“So you didn’t leave because you thought I’d be a bad dad?” he whispered, his voice shaking a little.
The blood drained from my face. “What?”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out one of the pregnancy tests I’d thrown away. “When were you going to tell me about this?”
I gasped. “How did you find that?”
Looking sheepish, Jimmy shrugged. “I might’ve gotten into it with your trash can after I got your letter. I was pretty pissed.” He glanced down at the stick. “Then I found this.”
I connected the dots in my mind. Jimmy thought I left because I didn’t think he’d be a good father to our child.
“No, babe. No.” I kissed him and wiped away the tear that spilled down his right cheek. “I think you’re going to be a great dad.” I kissed him again. “The best.” Touching my forehead to his, I breathed in his comforting scent. “I was planning to tell you. I just didn’t want that to be the only reason you stayed.”
“I’m staying for you, Mack. The baby? He’s just a bonus.”
The smile I gave him was wide and goofy. “He?”
“I’ve just got a feeling,” Jimmy said before placing his hand over my stomach. “I’m so fucking happy.”
“Me too,” I returned. Then I frowned. “I wish you hadn’t found out about it this way. I wish I could’ve made it better. Like one of those awesome Pinterest pregnancy announcements.”
He smirked. “What is that exactly?”
“You know, where they do something creative with baking or balloons. Or they spell it out in pepperoni on a pizza.”
He ran his fingers through my hair. “There’s always next time.”
Grinning, I raised my eyebrows. “We haven’t even had this one yet, and you’re already planning for more?”
“Hell yeah. Remember rule #4?” Bringing his left fist out, he opened his hand. A simple white gold band sat in the middle of his palm. “You’re mine for as long as I’m here. And I plan to be here for as long as you’ll allow it. Marry me?”
“Jimmy,” I gasped. He slid it onto my ring finger, and I started crying all over again. “Yes.”
“I’ll get you a better one when I can afford it,” he added. “With a big diamond.”
“You most certainly will not.” Holding my hand in front of me, I admired the simplicity of it. I’d never been a fan of gaudy jewelry, and the symbolism of the band was enough for me. “I can’t imagine anything more perfect than this.”
Pressing my lips to his, we kissed slow and deep until we couldn’t hold back our smiles anymore.
“I love you,” I told him again, because it felt so good to finally say it.
“I love you, too, baby.” His face got serious again and he paused before adding, “And I’m not like your ex. If you didn’t want to be with me, I wouldn’t force it.”
“You moved yourself into my house,” I pointed out with a laugh. “But I’m not unhappy about it. I know you’re nothing like him. Why would you even think that?”
“The day I found out you were pregnant…” he went on, gently trailing a fingertip over my ring, “all I kept thinking was that it meant we were tied together for the rest of our lives. That we would always be connected. And I was glad. I want that.”
“That’s not a bad thing, Jimmy. Do you have any idea how happy I am that I get to keep this piece of you forever?”
“Baby.” He put my hand over his heart. “You get to keep all of me forever.”