IT’S BEEN TWO FUCKING DAYS. Two days of nothing but silence from Nikki. I’ve called her over and over, left numerous voicemails—so many I’ve lost track of what I said in the majority of them—and now her phone no longer gives me the option to leave one. I’ve done nothing in those two days but frantically try to find her and get lost in my own head. One thing I’ve been successful in, though, is seeing the enormity of what she had said before leaving the other night.
After the first twenty-four hours without Nikki, I knew the one thing I had been too blind with my past to see and, for the first time since my mom died, I knew I wasn’t the one in control of my future. There was no way I could take back the reins either because the only way I would ever be able to find a way to ease the torment in my mind was to hand them over to the woman who owns them.
On top of everything being tits up with Nikki, my best friend hasn’t spoken to me about anything other than what was necessary for Dirty, and my sister hasn’t taken my calls since she found out Nikki and I got in a fight. Like I’m not beating myself up enough? They are the only two people who I had known over the years and could always count on, but it was clear they knew what I couldn’t see yet. It was their silence that helped me see what Nikki had been telling me before she left too.
I knew the second I realized she wasn’t sitting at the bar anymore that she had seen what I had been struggling with for weeks. I also knew instantly I fucked up. I fucked it all up. And I’m the only one who can put it all back together.
Now I’m stuck in a tailspin, unable to control fuck all, and I can’t get a grip long enough to take the steps I need to get it all back. One thing’s for sure … I will. All I’ve thought about for two days—aside from making sure Lacey was taken care of once and for all—was how I would prove to Nikki that she’s wrong and I do trust her.
“Fuck,” I hiss, punching my wheel when traffic goes from thick to standstill.
When she walked out of the office the other night, Nate was in my face. He must have known something was going on, even if he hadn’t been there to witness it, because she couldn’t have been halfway down the stairs before he stormed into my office and I had his right hook slamming against my face. All he said was, “I warned you,” and then he was gone just as fast as he came. It was as if someone had turned on a switch when his fist connected with my eye—I was rushing through the club, holding up the pants I had hastily shoved on when I rushed to her side just minutes before while I sprinted as fast as I could to catch her before she left.
A lot of good that did me.
Then I had to deal with the Lacey mess, and even though I wish she hadn’t shown up, at least I was able to get an order of protection and she wouldn’t be back without getting arrested. She might try again, but since her daddy is trying to run for senate, I doubt she’ll risk it for fear that he’ll finally get sick of her bullshit and cut her off. All that was left with Lacey, as far as I was concerned, was getting Nikki to file for her own restraining order.
I look down at my phone, checking the time on my Waze app and again feel nothing but frantic need to start plowing through traffic.
One more hour.
One more hour and I’ll be facing the biggest fight of my life.
One hour until I give her the only thing I know will prove to her that I do trust her. That I trust her with more than what she could ever think to want or need.
Her badly pronounced French words from the other night come back, a ghost of a whisper through my mind. Oh, Nicole Clark, I’ll have all of you again. There’s no other life I can face living if it’s not with her in it.
One hour turned into two and my confidence turned into nerves.
I wasn’t nervous about what I needed to do—no, I was nervous that she would have used these past two days to realize I wasn’t worth the fight. I knew deep down that couldn’t be true, but it doesn’t take away from the very real fear I have over making myself vulnerable for the first time since I learned how to prevent it.
I park next to her old Toyota and kill the engine, staring at the rustic log cabin that we had spent a whole week searching for on various vacation rental sites. She had known instantly that this was the perfect one for us to get away to, and she wasn’t wrong. There wasn’t another house around us. The long and winding road that took me up here had been all ours. The closest grocery store was ten miles back, and aside from the five other places scattered over the mountain, we were alone. Of course, that had been something we made sure of in order to have nothing but privacy to enjoy each other wherever and however we wanted—now it would ensure we had a whole different kind of privacy.
The door opens and Nikki steps on to the porch. She leans against the doorjamb and watches me as I climb out of the car, shutting the door and walking toward her. She looks beautiful even though it’s clear that she’s tired. Her long hair is pulled up on top of her head in a messy ball—one of those bun things girls spend a shit ton of time making sure it looks perfect. Her face is free of makeup, making her look young and innocent with her dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose. However, it’s the redness around her eyes that makes me pause halfway up the steps.
“I figured you would be here tomorrow. I should have known you’d figure it out sooner than that.”
“I would have been here yesterday if I could have been.”
She nods, a sad one that looks like it takes all her strength.
“Come on,” she says softly, turning and walking into the cabin. Her bare feet silent against the hardwoods.
I follow without argument, taking her lead. When she stops in the living room, I wait, not speaking. She points at the couch and drops down in a chair near it, but far enough that she’s out of my reach. Again, I don’t speak and let her call the shots.
“I don’t imagine you would have come all this way without knowing how you wanted this conversation to go, Shane, so go ahead and say it.”
I lean forward in my seat, rubbing my hands against my jeans and bracing my elbows on them before looking up and holding her gaze.
“I fucked up, mon coeur. I fucked it all up, and you did the right thing by leaving.” Clearly, that wasn’t what she expected as shock reigns over her features. “There aren’t any words to express how sorry I am that I hurt you, Nikki. Not a fucking one that will be strong enough to even begin to try to fix it. I’ll live with that, and hopefully, you’ll give me a chance to prove that I’ll do everything in my power to ensure I never hurt you again.”
“Shane,” she whispers, a tear falling free of her eye and trailing down her cheek.
I stop her, continuing with the words I’ve gone over and over on my way to her. “You were right. I used all the shit from my past to excuse the fact that I wasn’t willing to trust you—even though I knew deep down that I could. Fuck, chèrie, I know it’s the weakest excuse in the world, but I couldn’t see past the only thing I had ever known and because of that, I hurt you. I trust you, wholly and without doubt, and I just didn’t and couldn’t see it until it was too late.”
“How can you be sure? How can you sit there and know this won’t happen again? How do you know that you—the man who holds his ability to control any and everything—will be able to trust me without question? What happens the next time I come to Dirty? Are you going to freak out and put up a wall between us again?”
“No,” I answer emphatically. “God, no. You have no idea, Nikki. What you said to me that night in my office, you struck something I’ve never even known I was capable of feeling. The only thing that scares me now is the thought that I might not have you by my side and in my life forever. I need you more than I could ever need my control. YOU are more important. I don’t just believe it; I know with every part of me that without you, it won’t ever matter how hard I work to keep control of my life because it won’t be worth living.”
Her tears are coming faster now, her soft sobs feeling like a whip against my soul.
“Let me show you,” I beg, dropping to the floor and shifting on my knees to her.
When I reach her chair, her legs open and I push between them before wrapping my arms around her waist and drop my head to her lap. I hug her tight with desperation and feel my own emotions winning when a huge sob shakes her whole body. My eyes grow damp the second she drops her hand to my head and runs her fingers through my hair. Just having her in my arms, when I had thought I would never feel this again, breaks the dam that had held me together for the past two days.
I look up, not giving one shit when a tear falls from my eye, and hope to God she can see the truth in my eyes.
“Let me give you all of me, mon amour,” I plead. “Let me show you what you are to me. L’amour de ma vie,” I continue. “Let me show you.”
She nods, her tears still falling.
Standing, I reach down and take her own shaking hand in mine, pulling her to her feet.
“Where’s the bedroom, Nikki?” I ask, making sure I don’t use the voice she’s all too familiar with when we’re together like we’re about to be.
A choppy breath comes out loud in the silence between us, her blue eyes brighter with her tears. She doesn’t speak but also doesn’t let my hand go as she leads us through the house. Her shoulders hunch slightly as she looks down at her feet. She might be giving me what I’ve asked, but I can tell she’s still holding herself with an air of protection—maybe even preservation—wrapped tight around her. When we step into the large master, the room I had looked at knowing it would be perfect for the way I love to take her, I see it in a new light. The huge wooden frame bed, those slats I had thought would hold my ropes perfectly, now holding a new purpose. When I release her hand and move to stand in front of her, she looks up at me in confusion. I’m sure she had thought this would be different. If she’s shocked now, she’s about to have her jaw on the damn ground.
Despite my earlier nerves, the only thing I feel now is pure, confident calm. I know this is the right thing to prove to her that my words are true. And with each layer of clothing that I strip from my body, baring myself to her, body and soul, I hope to fucking God that she can understand the magnitude and meaning behind this.
After I’m completely naked, I stand and look at the woman who I’ll be lost without and give her the one thing I have never willingly surrendered.
My control.
“Vous avez tous moi,” I softly tell her. You have all of me. “There is nothing more important than that, mon amour. Every single inch of me. Inside and out. Body and heart. My control and trust. It’s all yours, Nikki.”
Her shuddered breath hitches, and she clutches her chest.
“I’m yours,” I continue. “It’s up to you what you do with me now.”
Then I look down and wait for the rest of our lives to begin.
“Shane,” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. “You … we’ve … you’ve never let me have you like this.”
“No one has because no one has ever had my complete trust until now. Do you understand what I’m saying, Nikki? I trust you. I trust you with all that I am. All I’ve ever needed. There will never be a moment in my life when I don’t need you more than my desire to control everything. Take me, take us, and please give me another chance to be worthy of your love.”
“Oh, Shane,” she hiccups through her crying.
Then she’s in my arms and her mouth is on mine, taking what I’m offering.
We fall to the bed, her body landing on top of mine and our kiss never breaking. It’s hungry, but not in the frantic need that has always been hinting the edges of our lovemaking. No, not this time. This time, we’re starving to earn the last thing we hadn’t shared before. This isn’t just a hard fuck and mutual enjoyment. This is two people becoming something few ever find. Something I almost lost before even knowing I had it.
We shared lust before.
Now we share love.
And fuck if it’s not the most beautiful thing I’ve been too scared to believe I could find.
She breaks the kiss and pulls away to yank her top up and over her head. Her tits fall free, and I groan when I realize she didn’t have a bra on. She wiggles against my lap, and I grunt, my cock needing her.
“Why don’t you touch me?” she questions breathlessly.
“You haven’t told me to,” I answer instantly, and the second I see my meaning hit the mark, a new burst of pleasure rushes through my body. Fuck. Never had I thought giving her control of our sex could be more powerful than what we already shared.
“Shane? I don’t …” she trails off when I lift my hands and grasp the wood slats above the pillows. “You’re serious?” she gasps, wiggling off my lap and staring down at me while I continue to give her this part of me.
“I’m yours.”
“Shane,” she cries softly.
“Please take me, mon amour. Take me and please let me have the gift of you. I will never take advantage of your trust again, and I will always give you mine. From this moment on, we’re equal in everything.”
She’s crying even harder now, but she still removes the worn sleep pants she had on, climbing back on my lap and looking down at me with her hands bracing against my chest. Her tears fall on my skin and burn a path across my chest. When she lifts one hand and wraps it around my cock, my breath hitches. Then she feeds my cock into her body with a painfully slow glide down. When she’s seated fully on my thickness, she loses the ability to keep her emotions somewhat in check and starts rocking and crying, never looking away.
“Je t’aime,” she gasps, her whole body shaking as she continues to cry, only now she’s smiling the biggest grin down at me. “I love you,” she repeats. “I love you so much it hurts.”
“Je t’aime, mon amour. Je t’aime.”
There’s nothing rushed about how she makes love to me. Our bodies taking until it feels like a part of her has filled the part of me that I hope to fuck she feels filling her heart. We might not always have perfect, but I know the second she breathes out her release and collapses on my chest—my cock emptying inside her—that there isn’t anything we can’t conquer together.
One thing’s for sure: I’ll make sure there will never be doubt to her or anyone that what we share is as real as it gets.
love of my life