“Mr. Davis, would you like anything else to drink before we take off?” the air steward, Ryan, asks as he collects the empty water bottle from the small tray table in front of me.

“No, thanks. I’m going to try and get some sleep,” I tell him. I’m feeling agitated. I’ve planned this trip meticulously over the last couple of months. But, I know I’m taking a huge gamble.

“Can I have a soda?” Amber pipes up.

Oh, and I’m bringing my beard along for the adventure. Mainly because we still have a few months left in our arrangement. But also, because she gave me the courage.

“Yes, madame. I’ll be back shortly with that drink,” Ryan gives a small bow and Amber giggles. I scowl at him, and he straightens and scurries off.

“You excited?” I ask her.

“Oh my God, yes. It sucks that you’re firing me. But this trip to NYC, entirely on your dime in this sweet plane, I get to slap you in public ... that might make up for it.”

I grip her hand. “Thank you for this. For everything.” I look at her solemnly.

“What are friends for?” she asks dismissively.

“Well, apparently for helping friends pull their heads out of their asses and get their shit together.” Her beautiful brown eyes soften.

“You’re too hard on yourself. You deserve to be happy. And that woman, she loves you. She was nice to me. If I had been talking to my man and another woman picked up his phone, in his bedroom …” She laughs as if she really imagines it. “I would fuck her up. She apologized. She really loves you,” she says and takes a swig of the soda Ryan dropped in front of her.

“Well, I hope you’re right because I’m going for broke.”

“It’s the only way to do it.” She pats my leg. “I’m going to try and sleep. Your last-minute life U-turn was pretty exhausting.”

“Well, get your rest because when I get my shit straight, I’m helping you pull your head out your ass.”

“I’m fine. I’ve got my son. I’m signed for three more seasons. Our breakup is going to be spectacular for my ratings,” she says with a glee that only someone who works in this crazy industry would understand.

“Sure. That’s what life is all about … ratings and contracts.” I raise a knowing eyebrow at her.

“Stop using my words against me. And I’m serious about that nap.” She sticks her earbuds in and reclines her seat.

I should sleep, too. Anticipation, doubt, adrenaline make that impossible.

I called Apollo back the day after she’d called in response to my message on Instagram.

It wasn’t exactly awkward, but I knew I was holding back because there were some things I needed to say face-to-face.

I gave her the full, coherent update on my mother. She told me when Mama got back she wanted to come and visit.

We’d ended the call with promises to stay in touch. And we had. Two days after that call, I sent Apollo a copy of a book I’d read called Astrophysics for Men Not in a Hurry. I slipped a note inside with a line from an untitled sonnet by EE Cummings. “Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun more last than star.”

She sent a text the day after she got it that said, “I’ve already read this book. Duh. But thanks. Also, yes, to that poem.”

It took Amber two days to convince me that now that we were communicating, I should just go for it.

As soon as I decided that I would move to NYC, I talked to Dean. He listened to my ideas. He’s completely unflappable. In a matter of days, he’d helped me sort out my various sponsorship deals and endorsement contracts.

I’ve only got one more in the works, and they almost reneged when I quit the show. I’ve invested wisely from the money I’ve made with my endorsements. I’m not Bill Gates, but if I never earn another cent again in my life, I’ll still be very comfortable. But, I want this deal to go through badly because I have an ambitious project that I’m planning on using the money to fund.

The show has two seasons left to air, and I’ve agreed that I’ll come back for an all-star special. So, they shortened the length of the contract by a year and reduced my fee by almost thirty percent, but it still leaves me plenty of money to play with.

For a life that felt so complicated and large, wrapping up large chunks of it was a relatively painless process. My house is on the market. Mama’s stuff is in storage until she gets back from her trip.

She whooped when I told her. She and Becca are about to board a cruise from Brisbane, Australia that will take them to seven ports in fourteen days. She said when she called next time, Apollo better be sitting next to me. I prayed she would be.

I know Mama’s dying. But, this is the first time in years where that hasn’t been the focus of our lives. She sounds happier and stronger than ever.

The only tricky part for Amber and me is deciding how we’d break up publicly.

She’s been my date for every event, every award show, every fashion show for the last nine months. Not a week goes by that a gossip magazine or blog doesn’t write a story about when we’re tying the knot. We even have our own hashtag, #GrAmber.

We boarded the flight to New York and let ourselves be photographed standing far apart. When we land at Teterboro, we’ll go straight to the Ritz and have a very public argument. She’ll slap me, storm off. Spend the night and then she’ll go back to LA in the midst of all the talk about it, and I’ll stay here.

I’ve decided to get my master’s. I want to teach. Maybe even something more ambitious. More than anything else, though, I want to find a way to be with Apollo.

I know I’ve got to earn her trust again. It won’t be easy. She’s in a relationship. I think they live together. Either way, I don’t care.

I reach into my shirt front pocket and pull out the piece of paper I read every time I feel a pang of doubt about what I’m doing.

Dear Papa,

When I was seven and Derick Moore pushed me on the playground, remember how Ms. Rofe said it was because he liked me and that boys are mean to the girls they like? You got really mad. Madder than I’d ever seen you. You asked me to leave the room. I did. But, I hope you won’t be mad if I tell you now that I didn’t close the door all the way. And I heard what you told her right before you came out of the room. You said “Don’t teach my daughter lies that will make her think it’s okay for someone to hurt her.” And then you told me that the only boys I should talk to are the ones who are always nice. Even when they don’t have to be. Well, today, I met the nicest boy in the whole world. He saved me after I fell into a lake. I hiked there all by myself, Papa!!

And then, he carried me on his back so I wouldn’t get bitten by snakes. He’s like a hero but in real life. And he’s a lot skinnier than the ones on TV, but he’s strong. He loves to read and Papa, he’s very smart. Not as smart as me, but you told me no one was, so that’s okay, right? Can you see him from heaven? I hope so. Because one day, I’m going to marry him.

I miss you. But, I have your books, and it makes me feel like you’re reading with me.

I love you so much. I hope you and Arti are happy in heaven. Tell her that I’ll never give her back and that she’s always mine.

Apollo

This letter reminds me that she loved that boy. I have to show her that I’m still him.

I press the note to my nose and inhale. In the darkest of hours, it has been my lifeline. Now, I need it to be the keys to the lock she’s put on her heart. At least when it comes to me.