Damaged people can be dangerous. They’ve been through hell and lived to tell about it. The pain made them stronger, more resilient, and nothing stands in their way. I’m not ashamed to say I’m damaged. I know I’m not the man that I once was. I look in the mirror, and I don’t even recognize the reflection staring back at me. I no longer see a kid with hopes and dreams, living life with blinders on. He’s been replaced by a man who’s been broken into a shattered mess, but by the grit of his own teeth managed to pull himself back together. We all have that moment—that single moment that changes our lives forever. For some, it was something as simple as a few thoughtless words that struck a chord deep inside them, while for others, it was some traumatic event or tragedy that altered their course in a way they’d never have expected. For me, there’s no question about what changed me. It was one terrible, unsuspecting night when fate reared its ugly head. Since then, my life has never been the same. I faced the pain, the anger, and the heartache. I survived it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my regrets. I should’ve known. I should’ve paid more attention, but I missed the warning signs and it cost me everything.
Ten Years Earlier
I parked my truck at the front gate of my dad’s warehouse, then turned to my girl and smiled. “Sit tight. I’ll be right back.”
“If you’re not back out here in five minutes, I’m coming in. That last glass of tea got me. I’ve really gotta go.” Lainey smiled at me, making my chest swell with pride. I still couldn’t believe she was mine. My girl was a natural beauty with her light brown hair and olive colored skin. Her eyes were as dark as the night sky, and she had a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts. She had a spirit that was wild like a mustang and a will to match. I was crazy about her, and the fact that she was carrying my kid only made me love her more. I can still remember the day I first saw Lila Grace on that ultrasound screen, all balled up with her little thumb in her mouth. Just one look at her and I thought my heart would explode right there on the spot. She was perfect, and I couldn’t wait to hold her in my arms. Thankfully, I wouldn’t have to wait long. Lainey’s due date was only a few weeks away, which was good since our daughter was sitting right on top of her bladder.
“Three minutes tops,” I promised as I leaned towards her and placed my hand on her round belly. After giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, I got out and rushed towards the warehouse.
“Hey, Nathan!”
I stopped and turned back towards the truck. She was leaning out the window with a goofy grin on her face. “Yeah?”
“Just wanted to let you know you’ve got a great ass.”
“Is that right?”
“Yep. One of the best.”
“Glad you’re enjoying the view.”
I shook my head and laughed as I continued inside. My father had sent a message that he needed me, and since business was never discussed over the phone, I had to go to him to see what he wanted. When I got to his office, I expected to find him at his desk going over inventory, but instead, I found Murray, his longtime partner, sitting in his spot. He was like a second father to me, a confidant whenever I needed one, and he added a bit of much needed humor to the place. Without looking up, he motioned towards the back of the building. “Your father’s out back.”
“Good to see you, too.”
“Um hmm,” he grumbled. “We’re gonna need you tomorrow.”
“Figured that.” Since it was the end of the month and everyone wanted their shipments out on the first, we’d have to bust our asses to get everything done on time. It was nothing new, though. It was always like that with our kind of inventory. Dealing with illegal guns meant we were always on high alert—hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. “I’ll be here first thing.”
“Bring coffee.”
“Why? I thought that was Nick’s job.”
“Had to let him go.”
Knowing that meant I’d be stuck doing all the grunt work they didn’t want to do, I groaned, “Damn it. Why’d you go and do that?”
“The kid’s got nothing going on in that head of his. He couldn’t even get a cup of coffee without screwing something up.” He looked up at me with one of his smirks. “Besides, why pay someone to do something you can do?”
There was no point in arguing, so I turned and started for the door. “I’ll bring the fucking coffee, but I draw the line at doughnuts.”
“Hmm, doughnuts do sound good. Get me a few with sprinkles.”
“Fuck off, Murr. I’m not getting fucking sprinkles.” I slammed the door behind me in aggravation, knowing damn well I’d get his stupid doughnuts.
I headed to the back of the warehouse and found Dad talking with the DeMarco brothers. He’d been working with them for the past few months, but he’d made it clear that his patience was growing thin with them. They’d decided to expand their small business to include prostitution, drugs, and the like. My father had warned them against it, but he’d let it ride. He had let them do their thing, until they came up late on their last shipment and came up short on their last payment.
“You’re late. That’s the bottom line.”
“I know. We just need a little time, Pops,” Joey pleaded.
“I’m not your Pops. I’m not your bro. Until you pay me the five grand you owe and come up with the hundred assault rifles, I’m your worst enemy.”
“Look, you’ll get what’s coming to you. You know we’re good for it.”
“I’ll tell you what I know: Time is money, and I’m done fucking around with the two of you.”
Lenny, the taller of the two brothers with a large, crooked scar along his cheek, placed his hand on my dad’s shoulder. In a playful voice, he said, “Come on, Cal. Don’t be like that.”
“Lenny, you’ve got until tomorrow at noon.”
“We can’t have it by tomorrow. We need more time!”
“You’re not getting it.”
“Give us the time, Cal. Don’t make us do something you’ll regret.”
My father took a threatening step forward. “There are two kinds of people in this world, Lenny. Those who make threats, and those who make good on them. Tomorrow at noon, or you know what will happen.”
“You forced our hand, Cal. What happens next is on your head.”
There was no mistaking their anger as they both stormed past me and out the back door. Once they were gone, I walked over to my dad. “Everything okay?”
As always, he was cool, calm, and collected. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Seriously?”
“What? You mean Lenny?” He laughed. “You gotta remember something, son. This business we’re in is hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid. Those two idiots dug their own graves when they decided to tie up with Link.”
“I thought you and Link were tight.”
“I never said we weren’t. Besides, I’m not talking about me and my business. We’re talking about them. Those boys saw dollar signs and got in over their heads. It’s gonna cost them.”
“And what about us? We need that shipment.”
“We’ll be fine.” My gut pulled at me, making me wonder if he was right, but my father’s been doing this a lot longer than me. Deciding that he knew best, I left it. He started walking towards his office. “You know your mother is expecting you and Lainey for dinner tonight.”
“We wouldn’t miss it. We’re headed that way after I leave here.” I followed him into his large office and over to his desk. “I just came by to see what you needed me to do.”
He reached inside his desk drawer and pulled out a thick yellow envelope. “I’ve got some papers that I need you to get over to Des.”
“No problem. I can take care of it.”
“Make sure you get this done tonight. He’s expecting them.”
“You got it.”
I started for the door and was just about to walk out when I heard him shout. “Hey, Nate.”
“Yeah?”
“Eyes and ears open.”
“Always, Pop.”
I was on my way back out to the truck and was about to open the door when Lainey came rushing inside. She stormed past me and headed straight for the restroom. Just before the door closed behind her, she shouted, “Just so you know, that was not three minutes.”
When she finally came back out, I smiled and said, “Sorry about that, baby.”
“It’s all good. I’m better now.” She gave me a quick kiss before she turned and started for the door. “Let’s roll, Daddio. We’ve got places to go, and people to see.”
I shook my head and laughed. “I love you, woman.”
She turned back to look at me with one of her smiles that knocked me off my feet. “You’d better, because you’re stuck with me.”
“I’d say that makes me a lucky man.”
She stopped and turned to face me, looking at me with nothing but love in her eyes. She brought her hands up to my face, pulling me close as she pressed her lips against mine. Her kiss was soft and filled with promise. I’d never dreamed I could be so content with another human being. She was my everything. “I’m the lucky one.”
We got back to the truck, and we’d only gone a few miles when I looked over and found her with her eyes closed and her head propped against the window. She was sound asleep—another side effect of the pregnancy. Poor thing was still out cold when I drove out to Desmond’s place. It wasn’t until I pulled up at my folks’ place that she finally woke up. It was pitch dark when I finally parked the car, and I felt bad for having hauled her around all day. “Hey, baby, you have a good nap?”
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she yawned. “Yeah, but I need to stretch my legs and get something to eat. I’m starving.”
I got out of the truck and walked over to open her door. “Come on. Mom will have dinner ready in a minute.”
She followed me inside where we found my mother standing at the stove, stirring the pasta sauce. She was one of the good ones. She always had a smile on her face and worked her ass off to make sure her family was taken care of. She was one hell of a cook, and her spaghetti was legendary. “Smelling good, Mom.”
“You finally made it.” She spun around, spread her arms wide, and rushed over to me with a big smile on her face. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”
“You said dinner was at 8. I’m ten minutes early.”
“Well, you know I like to spend time with you.” She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze, then headed over to Lainey. “It’s been ages since you’ve come to see me!”
“Miss Clara, we were here on Sunday.”
“Oh, that doesn’t count. You were only here a few minutes,” she huffed. “With Colton gone, it seems like I never get to spend time with my boys anymore.”
My brother had decided a long time ago that he wanted nothing to do with the family business and had gone off to some Ivy League school out east. He hadn’t come home in months, and even though my mother would never admit it, I knew it was getting to her.
“Now get this sweet girl something to drink, while I get the bread in the oven.”
I looked over to Lainey and asked, “Tea or water?”
Before she could answer, Mom started fussing under her breath as she looked frantically through the cabinets. “I can’t believe I forgot it. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t find the bread!” She rushed over to the pantry and dug around inside. “It’s not here.”
“Mom, we can live without bread. It’s not a big deal.”
“We can’t have spaghetti without garlic bread, Nathaniel.”
I knew she was upset when she used my full name, and knowing she wouldn’t be happy until she got just what she needed, I offered to go grab some for her. “I’ll run to the store. What do you need?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep. Just tell me what you want me to get.”
She grabbed her purse and started going through her wallet. “Get us a loaf of French bread.”
“I thought spaghetti was Italian,” I teased.
She tried to hand me a ten-dollar bill, but I refused. “Maybe I should go with you.”
“No, I’ll go with him,” Lainey proposed.
“You both stay here. I’ve got this.”
Just as I opened the door, my dad stepped inside. “Where are you running off to?”
“Just a quick run to the store, Pop. I’ll be right back.” I gave him a pat on the shoulder and headed for my truck.
I heard the screen door open again, followed by my mother shouting, “Make sure it’s fresh!”
I nodded as I started the engine and pulled out of the driveway. It didn’t take me long to get to the store and back—fifteen minutes at the most. I was expecting dinner to be on the table when I walked into the kitchen, but as I walked in, I found it empty. I stopped in my tracks as a strange sensation washed over me. I’m not sure what triggered the feeling… maybe it was the unsettling silence or the hint of gunsmoke that filled my nose, but I knew immediately that something was off. As I pushed down the panic creeping into my throat, I called out to my mother. I got no response, so I called out to Lainey. Nothing.
I could hear the low rumble of the news playing on the television as I started down the hall. A nervous energy surged through me as I neared the living room. It was like I knew something awful was waiting there for me, so I picked up my pace and called out to mom once again. Still I got no response. When I finally made it into the living room, my entire world suddenly crashed down around me. I stood there frozen as I looked at my father sprawled across the floor, blood gushing from his lower abdomen and his left temple. My mind couldn’t comprehend what my eyes were seeing. It didn’t make sense. He had been fine just a few minutes ago, smiling as I greeted him at the door. I rushed to his side, praying that he was still alive. I quickly rolled him over only to find his expression was blank and his eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling. My breath caught in my throat as I realized the man I had always thought was indestructible was gone.
Panicked, I quickly turned behind me and found Lainey crouched down on the sofa. Bile rose in my throat when I saw her body covered in blood. Time stood still as I sat there staring at her. Several seconds passed before I was finally able to force my body to move towards her. My feet felt like lead weights as I staggered over to the sofa. I reached for her, pulling her into my arms as I cradled her lifeless body close to my chest. The world around me faded away as I looked down at her beautiful face. A cloud of darkness fell over me as I rocked her back and forth in my arms, all the while praying that it was all some kind of mistake. I tried bargaining with God, pleading with him to exchange my life for theirs, but my prayers weren’t answered. My family was gone, ripped away, leaving me completely lost and broken. I rested my hand on her stomach, thinking of the daughter I’d never get to hold in my arms. Thoughts of the ultrasound, the baby clothes, the nursery, and all the hopes and dreams we’d shared came crashing through my mind. My future faded before my eyes, and I’d never felt such a pure, all-consuming pain. Guilt crept over me as I berated myself for not being there when they’d needed me. My tortured cries echoed through the room as I pulled her closer, begging them both to forgive me. I would’ve still been sitting there holding Lainey in my arms if I hadn’t heard my mother groaning in the corner.
“Mom?” I hurried over to her and was overcome with relief as she reached her hand out to me. “Don’t move. I’m calling for help.”
She was losing so much blood, but she managed to grasp on to my arm as I called 911 and then Murray. Once I was done, I looked down at her and tried to reassure her. “They’re on their way. Just stay with me.”
With a grimace, she sighed and closed her eyes. I took the blanket off the back of the sofa and used it to apply pressure to her wounds, hoping to slow the bleeding. We were still waiting on the ambulance when Murray came crashing through the front door. The blood drained from his face as he looked around the room.
He dragged his hands down his face as he shouted, “Oh god. No!”
The next few days were a blur. After burying my father, fiancée and daughter, I was constantly at the hospital with Mom or dealing with the cops. They had more questions than I could ever begin to answer, and I was losing my patience. I already knew in my gut who’d killed my father and Lainey. I just hadn’t figured out how they’d done it. Dad’s security system was the best around, along with several guards monitoring everything coming and going. He didn’t leave anything to chance -- always making sure his family was safe, so it didn’t make sense that someone had been able to break in so easily. It wasn’t until days later that we found out his security system had been down for an update, leaving the house and gate completely unmonitored. The guards never saw them coming and once they were killed, the house had been left completely unprotected.
Once we were certain that Mom was going to pull through, I asked her about the shooting. After showing her several photographs, she quickly confirmed our suspicions about the DeMarco brothers, and Murray and I set out to take our revenge. I’d like to say that we found them and made them pay for what they’d done, but that never happened. They both vanished that night, leaving my need for vengeance unanswered. A void filled my chest, destroying the carefree, easy-going man I used to be. That man failed the people he cared most about. He was gone, leaving me forever cold and bitter. I would never look to the future: there’d be no more hopes and dreams... That time in my life was done. I would be forever haunted by my past. It consumed me, and my need for revenge was the only thing that kept me going. I wouldn’t rest until they paid for what they’d done. I was damaged through and through.