RIPP. “It’s a shame your friends couldn’t make it, Alec,” my father said.

“They just came down to support Mike, sir. As soon as the trial was over, they had to get back to Kansas. As early as it was over, they could drive back tonight before it was too late,” A-Train explained.

“I knew it was all over as soon as Vee said Boom! Too late, you made the wrong decision and blew on her finger. That sent chills down my spine. I like you, Vee,” Kace smiled from across the table.

“Pretty dramatic, I know. And I like you too, Kace,” Vee laughed as she reached for her glass of water.

“Ma’am, the chicken is fantastic,” A-Train said as he held a bare bone in his hand and nodded his head in the direction of my mother.

We had just about finished our meal. Everyone was about done eating and down to stuffing food in their mouths out of habit. The celebration of our victory in court by having a family meal together was nice. Being with family instead of being in jail was a relaxing experience. I sat and watched everyone eating and smiling through different eyes than I had in the past. This group, as mismatched as it was, had become my family.

“I cooked it, thank you. Have some more,” Bug said as she lifted the plate of chicken from the tablecloth.

“I want to make sure everyone gets plenty. No thank you,” A-Train said as he raised his napkin to his mouth.

“No, really. There’s plenty, have some more,” Bug insisted.

“Alright, just one more,” A-Train smiled as he reached for the plate.

“Called Bug and told her the news. Told her to get to cookin’, cause we was comin’ home. Glad that mess is over,” my father sighed.

“No nicknames at the table,” I chuckled.

“It ain’t a nickname, and you know it. We been callin’ her Bug since she was a baby. Katie Bug. It’s her God damned name, Mike,” my father growled as he shook his fork at me.

“It ain’t her name, Pop. Her name’s Katie. I just think it’s funny. If I say one, you all get on me. But you and mom say Bug all the time like it’s her name; and it ain’t her name,” I rotated my chicken bone and made sure all of the meat had been gnawed from the bone. 

“Her name’s Bug, and that’s the end of it. I ain’t got to be nice to you, Mike, the trial’s over,” my father pulled his fork from his mouth and pointed it at me.

“Well, after we eat, Dekk, Shorty, Vee, A-Train, The Kid and I are going to go out for a drink,” I laughed.

“No nicknames at the table, Michael,” my mother sighed without looking up from her plate.

“I don’t like it when you call me Kid,” Austin said softly.

“Shut up, Austin. Feel lucky you’re even invited. You’re still proving your worth,” I said as I reached for another piece of chicken.

“Don’t say that word Michael, it’s a bad word,” my mother looked up from her food and stared in my direction.

“Yes ma’am,” I responded apologetically.

“I want to go,” Bug said as her fork dangled from her fingers.

“Go where?” My father asked.

“I want to go with you guys tonight,” Bug smiled from across the table.

“Bug, we’re going out drinking and acting like fools. It ain’t a place for you,” I said as I pulled the skin from my chicken.

“Well, Vivian and Kace are going. So girls can go, and I want to go,” she wagged her eyebrows and smiled.

“Bug, you’re just a kid, you can’t…” before I finished she interrupted me.

“I’m not a kid. I’m old enough to drink. I’m four years younger than Kace, basically. So kiss my ass, Ripp. I want to go,” she batted her eyelashes and smiled.

“Let her go, Ripp. It’s fine with me,” Austin shrugged.

“Bug, Austin, no nicknames at the table,” my mother said flatly. 

“Sorry, ma’am,” Austin chimed.

“Ain’t nobody asked your opinion Austin, shut up and eat,” I grunted.

“Michael…” my mother whined.

“So, you were a Marine?” Bug asked as she rested her hands on the sides of her face, batted her eyelashes, and stared across the table at A-Train.

Shane turned to face Bug as she spoke.

“Once and always,” A-Train nodded.

Shane glanced at A-Train.

“What’s that mean,” Bug asked, still smiling and staring.

Shane turned toward Bug and pulled his fork from his mouth.

I jumped as Vee slid her hand to my thigh. I turned to her and smiled as she pushed her plate away from the edge of the table.

I rotated my head and glanced at A-Train, then turned toward Bug. She continued to smile and bat her eyelashes as she waited for an answer. After A-Train swallowed the chicken he had been chewing, he responded.

“Well, it means once you’re a Marine, you’ll always be a Marine. What is instilled into you lasts a lifetime. Once a Marine always a Marine,” A-Train responded as he delicately placed his chicken onto his plate.

“He’s teaching me hand-to-hand combat. Self-defense,” Austin smiled and turned to his right, facing Bug.

Bug turned to face Austin and gave him a stop talking to me glance. Slowly she turned to face A-Train again and smiled.

“So, you were in the war?” Bug asked, still smiling and staring.

“Bug, don’t be rude,” my father said sternly.

“It’s alright sir. No offense taken,” A-Train said as he wiped his mouth with his napkin.

“I was over there for almost a decade, yes,” A-Train admitted.

“Did you kill anyone?” Bug asked matter-of-factly.

“Bug!” my father howled.

“Bug!” my mother screeched.

I dropped my fork onto my plate and stared at Bug. Manda smiled and shook her head. As Kace raised both her hands to her mouth, Shane shook his head. There isn’t a handbook on how to treat a decorated Marine that spent ten years at war, but it should be common sense not to ask certain questions. I knew the answer to the question, but knowing made me feel as if A-Train and I were closer than most people were with him. He was a quiet man, polite, and kept to himself. As with any men that have seen the atrocities that he’s seen, I’m sure recalling the events is difficult at best.

“It’s quite alright, ma’am,” A-Train nodded at my mother.

“And sir,” he turned and nodded at my father.

“I’m not ashamed. Yes, I killed people. It was my job. In a perfect world, a RECON Marine mission is complete without anyone dying. Anyone. We’re reconnaissance. We gather information, we interrogate. We’re like Navy SEALS on land.  We gather intelligence through interrogation. In that war? Well, it was different. There was nothing to gather and no one wanted to talk. So, we killed most of the people we encountered. Before they killed us,” he nodded his head slightly and slowly rotated his plate in a circle.

“How many?” Bug asked, her face still resting in her hands.

“Bug. Damn it,” my father dropped his fork onto his plate and stared.

Bug faced my father, rolled her eyes, and turned toward A-Train. As she started batting her eyes, I began to wonder just what was happening. She was either infatuated with A-Train, the military element, or killing. I wondered as I considered everything that had happened if it may be the killing that she was concerned with. More than likely it was a natural and healthy thing for her to wonder about. She’d been through a huge range of emotion in the last few months. As Vee squeezed my thigh, I turned to her and smiled.

“Again sir, no concerns here. I have no shame,” he paused and turned from my father to Bug.

“I don’t know how many. I never counted. More than most, I’d guess. I was either in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the right time. I was combat wounded five times. I don’t know,” he paused as the tone of his voice changed.

His voice changed to a softer, more pleasant tone. Generally, when A-train spoke, regardless of what he was speaking of, he sounded stern. Not angry, but very concise. His voice had depth, and he used it to his advantage. He didn’t have to raise his voice to make a point, and I am sure he could make a grown man cower just by speaking to him. This voice? This was the voice that he used the day he told me if the killings.

This was his voice of recollection.

He stared at his plate and twisted it slowly in a circle as he spoke.

“We had to rescue some trapped Army Rangers on hill 571 in 2005. I remember on that night there were eight. I didn’t think it would ever end. I got shot as soon as my boots hit the dirt. Took a round in the thigh. I knew it happened, I just don’t really think I cared. I had a job to do, and there were Rangers that were pinned down. We were all they had. Well, it was us and a hand full of SEALS. We got them out of there. That, I suppose, is what’s important. But a count? Like a total number? It’d be a guess. But every one of them? Every one? They had one thing in common. They were trying to kill me, I just got to them before they got to me,” he looked up from his plate and forced a half-smile.

“I like Marines,” Bug sighed.

“You don’t know any fuckin’ Marines, Bug. Leave the man alone,” I scowled.

It was high time this conversation changed.

“Amen. Thanks for your service son,” my father sighed apologetically.

As Manda stood from her seat, Kace, Shane, and Austin stared. Recollection of those events was obviously something that A-Train hadn’t expected to do when he agreed to come to dinner. This was supposed to be a celebration. For him, I suppose being alive, in itself, was a celebration.

Or a curse.

“I do too,” Bug screeched, “well, I did.”

“Just stop, Bug. You don’t know any Marines. Leave it alone. I’m sorry Alec,” I said as I patted A-Train on the shoulder.

“He was a senior when I was a freshman. I’ll never forget him, Ripp. You knew him too. He came here for dinner once. He joined the Marines and went to Iraq. He was some special Marine. Like Special Forces. He got killed, I remember reading it in the paper and they talked about it in church and at school. If you ever went to church, you’d know,” she became angry as she spoke.

“Well, I have no idea who you’re talking about,” I said as I shook my head and picked up my glass of tea.

“I went to that house party, the one I got in trouble for. And Greg Shook was grabbing me. He said I filled out young. He was being a dick. And Billy pushed him and told him to stop. But he didn’t stop - he kept saying stuff - suggestive stuff about my big boobs. Billy took him outside and beat him up, and then came in and apologized for Greg being a dick. I remember his knuckles were all bloody. And he came here for dinner a few weeks later,” obviously a little upset, she paused and looked up at the ceiling.

“And he got married. And his wife had a kid while he was gone. And he never came back,” she looked back down and stared at me.

Her eyes were glassy and full of tears.

“I remember him. Big kid. Tall. Bug made a big deal of him kickin’ that Greg’s ass. Billy Cunningham. Yep. He was a nice kid,” my father said.

A-Train pushed himself away from the table and stood, staring at my father.

“Billy Cunningham? Billy Ray Cunningham?” he asked.

I turned to my right to face A-Train as he stood up. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Yeah. That’s him. Billy Ray Cunningham,” Bug blurted out.

“You went to school with Billy Ray Cunningham?” A-Train stood erect, as if he were standing at attention.

“You alright bro?” I asked.

“Billy Ray Cunningham saved my life,” A-Train said softly, yet full of emotion.

“I told you about him, on the roof. Remember?” he asked me as he wiped sweat from his face.

“Hold on,” Bug said as she jumped from her chair.

“Excuse me,” she said as she ran from the room.

“What’s going on?” Manda shrugged.

“Leave your sister alone, Manda, she’s been through a lot,” my mother said as she looked up from her food.

A-Train continued to wipe sweat from his face and stare at his plate as he stood behind his chair. Soon, Bug ran back into the room - holding a book in her hand. Frantically, she began flipping through the pages.

“Here. Come here Alec. Look at this,” Bug said as she pointed to a page in the book.

Slowly, Alec walked around the table. My father and Shane were obviously uneasy about the discussion and not certain of what to think. Both sat, eyebrows raised, and focused on me. Austin seemed unconcerned as his eyes darted back and forth across the table. As I shrugged my shoulders and looked at my father, Vee patted my thigh. I turned to face her and shrugged.

“That’s him. That’s Lance Corporal Cunningham,” A-Train’s hand shook as he pointed to the page in the high school year book.

“What happened? You said he saved you…” Bug asked.

“Bug…” my father drug her name out for a long second, attempting to get her to stop asking questions.

A-Train turned and looked at my father, “I’m squared away, sir. It’s alright.”

He turned back to face Bug and took the yearbook from her hand, “He was a good Marine.”

As he stared at the pages, his lips began to quiver. I didn’t know what to say or what, if anything, to do. As I sat and watched, he opened his mouth twice, but didn’t speak. The third time he opened his mouth, his eyes became distant and he began to speak.

It was as if he was speaking to someone that didn’t exist.

To a ghost.

“We followed two of them on the roof of a building. They’d shot one of the Marines on my team as soon as we’d entered the building. Cunningham and I followed them on the roof. I had a feeling. You know that deep down in your gut feeling?” he looked up from the book and turned to face my father.

My father nodded his head slowly without speaking.

“Well, I was right,” he nodded his head and looked down at the book again.

“One of them stepped out from behind a structure on the roof that was being used for cover. Cunningham was hit half a dozen times. He acted like it didn’t faze him. Probably adrenaline. Adrenaline or desire. Maybe just plain courage. Hell, who knows. He returned fire, striking him in the hand, chest, and torso. I returned fire, killing the second gunman. Cunningham died right there on the roof. He was uhhm. He had a daughter,” A-Train looked up from the year book and swallowed.

“She’s uhhm. She’s probably,” Bug paused and counted on her fingers.

“She’s probably six or seven now,” she nodded.

“I’d like to meet Cunningham’s wife,” A-Train said as he handed Bug the year book.

“I know where she used to live. I bet I can find her,” Bug grinned.

A-Train nodded his head and slowly walked around the table. As he sat down, I had a revelation. Some things began to make sense, and in doing so, other things made no sense at all.

I had a gun pulled on me by a man as I approached him in his home. In retaliation, I put him in a choke hold. In doing so, I broke his neck, killing him instantly. A court of law found me not guilty of the crime of murder. They had, today, all agreed that I did nothing wrong. This wasn’t the opinion of one person. It was the unanimous decision of all twelve of them. Additionally, it was the decision of the court. It was final, and it was official. What I had done was acceptable, and in the eyes of my peers it was moral, humane, and justified. I had been released from court to live my life absolved of having done any wrong.

A-Train is forced to live his life constantly second guessing himself. Wondering and never knowing. Living his life and never being absolved of acts committed that he may question.

So, he spends his life helping others in whichever way he feels he can do so best. Making amends. Tipping the scale back to even. Making up for the mistakes he feels like he has made in the past – or maybe trying to make them make sense in his head.

I looked around the table. In the last three years, things had surely changed. The table was full of friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, and parents. I loved each one of the people at the table, every one of them a little differently. I realized as I looked at them, not only had circumstances changed, I had changed.

I was still me. I sat at the dinner table a man who had just murdered someone, yearned to get into a bare knuckles fight - just because - and wanting to take Vee into my parent’s room and fuck her on their bed.

But.

I sat at the table different. Changed. Full of a love for my friends and family that I had never felt. As I glanced around the table, my mouth formed a smile. I realized everyone was still talking, I just wasn’t hearing what they were saying. I looked down at my lap and noticed Vee’s hand was still resting on my thigh. A-Train and Bug were still talking, and Austin’s eyes were darting back and forth as people spoke, attempting to absorb it all. Shane sat back in his chair taking it all in, his face covered in that Shane Dekkar smile. And Kace. Kace did what Kace does.

She sat and smiled.

“If we aren’t focused on living life to the best of our ability, we’re slowly dying a death that’s of our own choosing. The odd thing is we get to pick the course we take. Why would someone choose not to live life at full capacity?” I looked around the table and smiled.

“Wow. I like that. Who said that? I know it’s not a Ripp original,” Kace laughed.

“My father. Jack Ripton,” my father responded proudly.

“Come on everybody. Let’s get out of here,” I said as I stood from the table.

“Where we going, Ripp? Huh? What are we gonna do? What’s the big plan?” Austin stammered as he stood.

“We’re all gonna go pound down some beers, see if we can get in a fight, and then I’m going to take Vee home and fuck her until she passes out,” I pressed my hands into my hips and smiled.

“Michael, we don’t like it when you fight in the bars,” my mother said softly.

“Damn it Mike…” my father began.

“Pop. Stop. Here’s the deal,” as I directed my response to my father, Vee stood - blushing, but smiling from ear-to-ear.

“I can change what I feel. Or, I don’t know…maybe what I allow myself to feel. And, I can change how I act. But I can’t change who I am. I like fuckin’ and I like fightin’. Today is a victory for me - a big one. I’m going to celebrate. Doing the two things I love. Come on, let’s get out of here. Bug, Manda, this includes you,” I smiled.

It’s time to start living again.

And, if we can’t live life being ourselves, why even be?