KACE. “So, do you love it or like it?”

“I hate it. I hate how I feel. But it’s weird. As much as I hate it, and I hate looking at myself, I love it. I’ve been fat before. Well, not fat, but bigger. I’ve had to work really hard to stay in shape. Everyone always says I’d love to have your metabolism. I always want to respond, bitch you’d have my metabolism if you dropped the donut and exercised. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, so it’s difficult to look in the mirror and see a fat belly looking back at me,” she shook her head and spooned another wad of chocolate malt into her mouth.

“But the thought of all of this,” she waved her hand over her stomach.

“I love it. And Ripp has become an absolute dork. I love that too,” she grinned.

“But Ripp’s still Ripp,” I smiled.

“That he is,” she laughed.

“You know,” she poked another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

“I absolutely love ice cream now. I’m afraid when all of this is over I won’t be able to quit,” she sighed.

Vee had become more like a sister to me than a friend. She was always eager to meet me, talk, go shopping, come over and hang out or just sit and listen. More than anyone else I ever knew or realized even existed. I felt like I finally understood why women had so many girlfriends after she and I became close. Having a girl to talk to is really nice. Vee being pregnant at the same time I was pregnant was a god send. We both went through the same stage in pregnancy at the same time, and it allowed us to discuss the issues we were having with each other, be it on the phone or in person. We’ve laughed together, cried together and made plans for the future together. I told her I wanted a swimming pool. Something about being in the water with my baby sounded like it would be such fun. Vee said if I got a pool, she’d spend every day with me and she would become a sun goddess. I told her one day I’d make Shane’s tight ass build a swimming pool. Together we laughed at the fact Shane wouldn’t even buy new clothes, and he’d never spend twenty thousand dollars on a pool. To me, Vee had become the answer to my living a life of normalcy. Since Shane and I met he made me feel that way, but he was only one man. I felt as if I had become reliant upon him. When he left, I realized without him I really had nothing or no one else.

I felt I needed more people in my life.

And all I had to do was look around me.

My life was full of people who loved me, cared about me and wanted to do everything they could to make me as comfortable as possible.

My life now compared to my life with Buster was so much different. Sometimes I just thank God for allowing me to get out of that mess of a relationship. For a longer time than I ever would have imagined, I always felt like he was going to show up someday and try something. I lived with a constant fear of some form of retribution from him for my leaving or when I smacked him with the skillet. It never came, and eventually the feelings faded. I never really understood if they were feelings of guilt for leaving, or simply fear from a decade of being beaten physically, mentally and emotionally.

I guess I’ll never know for sure. What matters is they’re gone. Now I never worry about Buster. I only worry about Shane and whether or not he’ll remain mentally stable enough to be my full-time husband.

“Do you think Shane will leave me again, Vee?” I asked as I stirred my malt.

She shook her head as she sucked on her spoon. After she pulled her spoon from her mouth, she held it in front of her face and paused for a moment.

“Kace, I think he was scared. It may not have been what any or everyone else would have done. But to me, it’s not unheard of. I’ve had clients who were facing ten years in prison leave their families. Just up and disappear. When I was inexperienced, I was sure they’d never even show up to trial. They always did though. In recent years, when a spouse would call me and say so-and-so is missing, I’d tell her don’t worry. He’ll be back as soon as he finds a way to make it all make sense in his head, I’d say. Men are weird creatures. I think Shane just,” she paused and stared at her spoon.

“Do you think he felt like our little boy was a prison sentence?” I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe not. But whatever he was feeling or thinking, he got over it. I really don’t think any of us know how we’re going to react to a situation until it presents itself to us. Shane didn’t handle it well. You did. To be honest, I …No, I’ll just keep my mouth shut,” she shook her head.

“You can’t do that. Say whatever it was you were going to, Vee,” I sighed.

She shook her head and dug in the bottom of her cup for more ice cream. After three failed attempts to get another spoonful from her empty cup, I handed her my malt.

“Tell me,” I said as she began to eat my ice cream.

She shook her head again and remained silent.

“Vee?” I said as I gave her the stink eye.

“Well, I don’t know how I would have handled it. That’s what I was going to say. I really don’t. I mean I wouldn’t have hopped on my motorcycle and rode out of town, I know that. But really, if were being totally honest, I don’t know Kace. If the doctor told me my baby had twenty whatever chromosomes and he was going to be born special needs - you know with Downes or whatever, I’m afraid of what I might have done,” she said softly.

I sat and considered what she’d said.

But he’s my little boy.

Our little boy.

And no matter what, I’m his mother and I’ll love him and take care of him the best I can.

I felt my eyes begin to well with tears. Not really knowing if I was mad at Vee for what she said, or if I had a slap of reality hit me in the face, I sat and stared at her.

“Kace, I’m sorry. I’m just being honest. I’m not trying to justify what Shane did. I’m really not. I’m just being honest. We’re all different. We all handle things differently. Awwe Kace, you’re not crying are you?”

I nodded my head.

“Kace, I’m sorry,” she said as she placed the malt on the table and leaned over to hug me.

As she hugged me, I considered again what she had said. Having a little boy who may be different than all of the others wouldn’t bother me at all. If he was special needs, I felt I would be fine living with that. As she held me I wondered if I was lying to myself. I knew there was a possibility he would be born without any form of special needs and maybe I was hanging onto the hope of that particular possibility. Maybe I was truly comfortable with whatever God offered Shane and me. I sat and began to second guess myself. Maybe Vee was right. Until the time came, we would never really know. Maybe the time for Vee would be the doctor making the statement about the chromosomes. Maybe the time for me would be the day the baby was born.

I leaned away from Vee and wiped my eyes.

“I’m okay. You’re right, it’s just tough,” I sniffed.

She nodded and attempted to smile a soft smile.

“I’m sure it is,” she nodded.

“So, being honest again. What would you do? Seriously? What would you do if the doctor said you were going to have a baby who might be special needs?” I asked as I wiped my eyes again.

She shrugged as she stirred the malt.

“Abortion?” I asked.

She looked up from the malt and stared.

“Seriously?” I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders and looked into the cup.

The thought, to me, was repulsive. Murdering a baby. A baby who only wanted to be loved and cared for. A baby who may be born without any special needs at all. You would never know until he or she was born. Alec had told me the doctor gave a medical opinion, and opinions were like assholes, everyone had one. I swallowed and stared as she stirred the malt without looking up.

“I don’t really believe in abortion,” I said as proudly as I could.

“Well, I never thought I did either. But now that we’re talking honestly. Ripp and I had this exact conversation. The same one we’re having now. The what if? We talked about what if it was us. What if we were going to have a special needs baby and you and Shane were going to have a baby who was…” she paused and looked up from the cup.

“You know, not special needs,” she tried to force a smile.

“Okay,” the word escaped my angry mouth easily.

“Well, Ripp said he didn’t care. I sat and thought for a long time. I didn’t really admit it to him, but I hinted. Kace, I’m just being honest. Ripp said he didn’t care and he wanted to have a baby with me no matter what. Inside, between you and me, I felt sick. Not sick about the thought of the special needs baby, but sick at the fact I felt the way I did about what I realized I may want to do to eliminate the possibility. I sat there knowing I might strongly consider abortion. And, if I felt that strongly sitting on the sofa talking to Ripp, how much more strongly would I feel if it were reality?” the skin under her eyes began to swell.

“I’m glad you’re being honest,” I said.

“Kace, I love you. I really do. You’re my little sister and always will be. I love Shane too. He’s weird, but I love him,” she laughed as she wiped her eyes.

I nodded my head and smiled.

“Your baby? No matter what, I’ll love him. Ripp will too. I know it. I can promise you. We’ll love the baby like it’s ours. But it doesn’t mean I would do the same thing. Or that I could. The thought scares the fuck out of me,” she said as she reached up to her eyes again.

Softly, she began to cry. As I sat and watched her, I felt bad for her, and how she felt. I wished everyone felt the way I did about possibly having a baby like mine. We’re all individuals and we all react differently to the exact same situations. Alec told me that in one of his many war stories. I believe him. Regardless, I loved Vee. I couldn’t expect her to feel the way I felt. Grateful we had the talk, and appreciative of her honesty, I leaned into her and hugged her.

“I love you,” I breathed into her hair.

“I admire your courage and devotion, Kace. You’re one tough little bitch,” she blubbered.

“Bitch?” I said jokingly.

“Yes, a tough little bitch,” she paused and leaned back into her chair.

“And I love you too,” she smiled.

A tough little bitch.

Ultimately, I guess time will tell.