Chapter Twenty
I couldn’t help but stare at Jordan as we sat down together and ate. Not only did he look relaxed and happy, but whenever he smiled, I felt like it wasn’t something he was used to doing. Something told me that he spent a lot of time alone.
“Do you date very much?” I asked, shocking both of us.
His eyebrows shot up. “Date?”
I blushed. “I’m sorry. I’m being nosy.”
“It’s okay.”
He didn’t answer but I figured since I’d thrown it out there, I’d ask again. “So, you don’t or you do?”
His lip curled up. “I don’t have a lot of time for dating. Not with all my traveling and-”
“Terminating?” I asked lightly.
His eyes widened and then he smiled grimly. “Pretty much.”
“Then, it must get pretty lonely up here?”
“Yeah, but I don’t mind. I’ve always been a loner. I enjoy the privacy. What about you?” he asked, changing the subject. “You date much?”
“No,” I said and then smiled humorlessly. “Not that I’ve been trying.”
“I’m sure if you gave it any effort at all, there’d be a line outside of your door.”
I smiled at him in surprise. “I don’t know about that.”
“You’re a beautiful girl. You must know that.”
“Um, well thank you. You’re not so bad yourself,” I replied, feeling a little giddy that he thought I was beautiful.
“Right. You’ve seen my hands,” he said, looking down at his food.
“Yeah. So? They’re nothing to be embarrassed about, Jordan.”
“I’m not embarrassed about them.”
“So, you just think they’re ugly?”
He held up his left hand. “They’re certainly not pretty.”
I’m not sure if it was the beer that made me do it, but I grabbed it and rubbed my thumb over the scarred skin. “I don’t think they’re ugly, Jordan. I really don’t.”
Our eyes met. “You’re just saying that.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. I hadn’t touched a man, other than Slammer and Tank, for so long, because of my fears. Yet, looking into Jordan’s eyes, I could see that he was more frightened of what I was doing than I was. “Why would I need to?”
“I don’t know,” he said softly. “Because, you’re a nice girl?”
“Being honest is part of being a nice girl,” I told him. I stared down at his hand, still rubbing the skin with my fingers. “Obviously, they’re scarred, but what I see are the hands of a survivor. To me, that makes them beautiful.”
He didn’t say anything.
I licked my lips. “I have scars, too,” I said softly. “From Breaker.”
His eyes hardened but he didn’t ask where.
“On my upper thighs,” I said, looking down at my shorts. “So, I guess we both have nice little reminders of the shit we’ve been through.”
“What about cosmetic surgery?”
“Why haven’t you had cosmetic surgery?” I shot back.
“Many reasons. One of them being that I don’t want to forget.”
I smiled sadly. “Funny. I’d do anything to forget.”
“I wish you could forget, too,” he said, turning his hand over so that he now held mine.
“You’re a good man, Jordan Steele,” I said, staring into his eyes again. I could feel the electricity between us and was exhilarating.
He suddenly released my hand, as if it had grown hot.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hating the guarded look now in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
“You didn’t embarrass me,” he said, standing up. “I’m just tired. I’m sure that both of us could use some sleep.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost six a.m.” he answered, picking up his plate.
“Oh. Wow,” I said, also standing up. I grabbed my own plate and followed him to the sink. “Can I help you with the dishes?”
“No, don’t worry about it. I can handle these.”
“Okay,” I said, looking up at him. I smiled nervously. “It was a nice talk. Thank you.”
He stared down at me and I could tell that he wanted to say something more, but struggling with it.
Curious, but not wanting to push anything, I bit my lower lip. “So, um, would you mind if I used your shower?”
“Not at all. Go ahead. There should be some fresh towels in there.”
“Okay. Thanks,” I said, turning to walk away.
Jordan suddenly touched my arm. “Hey… it was a good talk.”
I looked up at his damp, dark hair, which was a little messy, and had the strangest urge to touch it.
“What is it?” he asked, giving me a curious grin.
“I…”
He ran a hand through it. “Let me guess, I’m having a bad hair day and it’s not even eight in the morning?”
“Actually, it looks great,” I replied. “Your hair.” And everything else about you, I wanted to add but didn’t dare to.
“Wow, that’s a relief,” he teased.
I could almost see the boy he might have been, in those dancing eyes of his. The child who’d never had a mother or the true love of a father. It tore at my heart. Before either of us knew what was happening, I threw my arms around Jordan and hugged him.
Surprisingly enough, he didn’t push me away. In fact, his hands circled around my waist and soon I felt like the one being comforted; it felt so good.
I closed my eyes, inhaling the fresh scent of his cotton T-shirt while my cheek rested against his chest. I wasn’t sure what we were doing anymore, but I didn’t want him to let go.
“Is this okay?” I whispered.
“You’re asking me?” he murmured, a smile in his voice. He touched the back of my hair lightly. “I think t I should be asking you if it’s okay.”
“I hugged you first, remember?”
“How can I forget?”
As we held each other, a new awareness began to spread through me. An awareness that I was deeply attracted to Jordan and the idea of us kissing, didn’t frightened me. In fact, I began to feel warm at the thought of his mouth on mine, our tongues dancing together. I let out a slow breath, keenly aware that there was a tingling between my legs. Something I hadn’t experienced for a very long time.
Jordan’s lips brushed my temple and then he began rubbing my back. Our bodies were so close that I could feel the rhythm of his heart against my ear. It was beating quickly and I wondered if he was as attracted to me as I was to him. Then I felt a hardness press against my belly. One that was hidden behind his sweats. Heat washed through me, knowing that he wanted me sexually. Then a face from my nightmares popped into my head.
Look at me, bitch…
Stiffening up, I let go of Jordan and backed away.
“I’m sorry,” he said, awkwardly.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me.”
His eyes burned into mine and I knew he saw the tears. Fortunately, he didn’t press me about them. “Okay.”