Chapter Eleven
Jenny
I was standing in front of my mirror, straightening my hair when I see him stand in the door frame to my room. I look over, straightener in hand as I slide it down my unruly mass of curls, desperate to get order. “Hey?” I ask because he looks like he needs something, but too scared to ask. “What’s up?”
I place the straightener down and go for the next piece stopping when he moves from the door jam and makes his way toward me. My heart starts to race like it always does, because I am a self-proclaimed Cal junkie one hundred percent obsessed with him. He has this swagger to him that makes me wet, but tonight he has a look in his eyes that says he will eat me alive if I let him touch me.
New development after last night’s clarity smackdown.
He comes up behind me and slips his hand around my waist and uses his chin to move my half curled, half straight hair from my neck. My sigh of complete and total submission isn’t unnoticed as he pulls me back into him, the hard ridge of his cock, a brand on my bare ass under my robe.
“You’re so fucking beautiful Jen.” He says and kisses below my ear, right over my pulse point.
“You’re trouble.”
“You, are the very definition of trouble Pope.” He says and places a hand on my ass and starts to gently rub me. I don’t know where the sudden desire comes from, but honestly it kind of throws me, once again.
Before I fall into him entirely, I hear Axe come bounding down the hallway. I use ASL to tell him hello and elbow Cal to back up. I never want him confused, or even hopeful where Cal and I are concerned.
Cal backs up and coughs, turning away from Axe and I as he readjusts himself. I laugh and swoop Axe into my arms. “What are you doing handsome son of mine.” I use ASL as I speak to him.
‘Followed daddy to scare him.’ He signs and I laugh turning to see Cal who was obviously sidetracked by me.
“I told you to get ready Pal. You’re going to aunt Mya’s tonight remember?” He signs and keeps his eyes on mine.
Axe starts jumping up and down in excitement knowing he will be spoiled relentlessly tonight. He runs from the room and went to pack I’m sure. I look to Cal, curious what he is planning to do tonight.
“What are you up to in here?” He steps away from me and sits on the end of my bed and I am reminded all too quickly he is and will always be Captain Hot and Cold.
“We are taking Raleigh to see Denver Kent tonight.” I slide my fingers through my now straight hair to make sure I straightened it evenly and look at him through my mirror as I apply my makeup.
“Oh…” He doesn’t say much but I can see he is overthinking every word I just said. “Who is ‘we’?”
I roll my eyes, masking the hurt that he would think, even attempt to think, that I am going to go back to my old ways. He might always see me as a fangirl. I get it, I put myself in the position to always need to fight to be taken seriously these days. But honestly, I thought he knew better by now. “Asa, Sully, Bright, Raleigh and Noah. Otto and Dali might show up, but they are fighting something fierce lately so I don’t know yet.”
I refuse to pay him any mind as I get ready. Tonight, is going to be fun and he won’t destroy it for me.
“Did Noah get you guys VIP passes?” He asks and starts playing on his phone. Texting Noah I assume. Thinks I need a watchdog if I am at a concert. I wasn’t always that woman I turned into. Drugs, sex and rock and roll will do that to you. I wasn’t always the fangirl who liked partying. I love music and concerts were always my favorite thing to do. I made the mistake of letting it take me the wrong way and he knew that now.
I turn to look at Cal, masking my shame and embarrassment and obvious assumption that I will forever be a party girl. I refuse to ever, ever let him or anyone for that matter, know they could hurt me. “No, we are sitting in general admission.”
He shakes his head no. “Jen, I can call and get you guys VIP. Noah is tight with Denver.”
I walk over to him and use my hand to pull his chin up to look at me, wishing he would actually see me. “General admission is the best part. Beer in plastic cups, room to dance, a few joints between friends. Cheap seats with an acoustic show… it’s magic.”
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Magic is watching from side stage and sharing a joint with him after.” He smiles and I hate his arrogance.
“You really are this arrogant these days?” I don’t hide the bitch in me, I get exhausted dealing with his power house rocker bullshit. Cal ten years ago is not the same Cal today.
He laughs and grabs my hand pulling me in so I am between his legs. “Arrogant? I guess.” He laughs again and wraps his arms around me. “You seem offended by it though Jen?”
I pull his hands from around my waist and walk to my closet. “Tell me if Axe comes down the hall.” I grab my black skinny jeans with the tears in the knees and open the robe. Am I playing fair? No, but he wants to toy with me I will toy with him. I let him watch me dress as I chew his ass for forgetting to live.
“Do you even remember the excitement of watching a show from the nose-bleed section? Waiting all week, counting down to the car ride to the venue? Pregame drinking before? Singing every word at the top of your lungs because you’re that big of a fan?”
He stands and walks to my door, standing guard with his back to it so he can watch me dress and still stop Axe from coming in. “I love the fans in G.A. Jen. They are the real fans, the die-hard’s.”
“Yeah? When was the last time you were one?” I ask and clasp my bra, watching him swallow hard as my chest conceals under the lace.
“I don’t know, I guess we see shows from the side now. I don’t know why, it’s just better.” He shrugs, and I get it. He’s this rich sexy guitar guy that can always be at the side stage to see it up close. I just wish I could see the guy who used to come to the nose bleed lawn seats and party with us when we were teens and in our early twenties before fame changed him.
“No, it isn’t. I have been on both sides. The side stage is loud and awesome and personal sure, but to watch on the big screen from up high on the hill, the smell of weed and cigarettes in the air and thousands of fans singing along, drinking and spilling their beer, all while your feet vibrate to the song and you can’t help but dance? That’s the magic Caly, that’s what you used to love.”
I see the recognition of the memory on his face and I don’t know if he really gets it or if he is just humoring me, but I think he could remember if he took his ego down a few notches.
“I remember getting way too excited for TOOL.” He says and laughs, moving from the door once I have my The Fixx t-shirt on and tie my blue and black plaid flannel around my waist. “I was bouncing off the walls to the point my dad told me to leave.” He laughs and plays with my key ring. “I went to Shames house and we stole Jerry’s beer and got a damn good pregame buzz before we left.”
I sit beside him on the bed and lace my old blue Chuck Taylor’s. “See, that feeling. You need to get that back Cal, because Old school Cal who I obsessed over in High school would kick Rockstar Cal’s ass for being such a douchebag.”
I go to stand but he grabs me by the waist and pulls me until I am on the bed and he rolls until he is over me. “He would, would he?”
I nod and let him kiss me sweet on the lips, upsetting how quickly it was over. “Can I tag along? Go down memory lane with you there with me?”
My heart races and I start breathing fast, because in that there was the sweetest tone…promising and I won’t deny how much I love the idea of him coming with me. “Do you promise to leave the arrogant bastard at home and only bring your fun side?”
“If you promise to keep me in check, then yes.” He slants his lips over mine and this kiss is deliberate and slow. His fingers trace the contours of my jaw before his tongue sweeps mine. I wrap one of my legs around him. It is so easy to get lost in him. I feel his fingers trace the buckle of my belt, slip under it and I know where his hand is headed. The alarm to the gate chimes, alerting us that most likely Mya is here. We both pull back as if we were two teens caught naked, then laugh knowing one of us will let her in.
It is proof that we are fire, always hot, always burning and we get lost too easily and too fast. We don’t think we just do. It is always crazy and wild and desperate. When we need, we need together. But, there was fire in that kiss. There was emotion to it. It was deliberate and exactly what he wanted, without a ruse or excuse.
That made the kiss a game changer.
“Go get ready, and try for the love of God to blend in.” I say and grab a hair tie, securing it to my wrist and pocket my lip gloss and lighter.
“Oh, I’ll try to not humiliate you.”
“Please don’t.” I reply deadpan and he smacks my ass as we walk toward the front door.
Cal
It took twenty minutes to get up the hill, to find a spot that would accommodate all of us. I let Jen dress me in jeans and a hoodie and grabbed my old Mariners hat. I just wanted to blend in, but within five minutes in line Noah and I both were spotted. I followed Noah’s lead who simply told them he was here to enjoy the show not create one. Nobody asked for selfies or autographs and they were cool.
Then I found what he did to keep them at bay and had to laugh. He had called the venue ahead of time, let them know we were coming and paid for a thousand drink vouchers so he could buy some freedom.
He is smart as shit, tell you what.
I followed him to the business office and was lucky enough to make the same deal. Bright put Noah’s in her purse since the stack was three inches thick, so I asked Jen to carry mine which she obliged
“Will you be able to turn them away so easily?” She asks me, tempts me. I know she wants to prove me wrong, but I need her to see I am not just TAT.
“I don’t like to do that, but I want you to see I am more than what you see.”
I do to, I want her to see me for something other than the guy who partied with her…used her.
She nods and the little bit of sun that still shines is in her eyes and her fire engine red hair has a few wayward strands that are stuck to her lips. Fuck I want to move them away and keep this look she’s giving as she looks at me on her face, but I want to keep them there because she looks so carefree and perfect.
“Come on Rockstar, let’s go remind you why you love this shit.”
I am all too eager to follow her, hell I would follow her off a cliff at this point. It hits me like a sledgehammer that what I feel right now with Jenny, I never had with Tay. I never would be careless or free with Tay. We were always business or freak and never an in between. Our down time was spent talking TAT or sales or events… we never binge watched The Walking Dead like I do with Jen. We never sit and laugh around my firepit drinking beers. We had fun, yeah but not like this. Jen has a way of making life and all the mundane shit seem more fun.
I was falling for her and it scares me. Not for the reasons it did with Tayla, but because she is more than Tay in a way I never saw. I watch her now bouncing on her heels to the opening act… I can’t even tell you who they are because I am only watching her as she dances with Raleigh and Bright.
“I can’t believe she got you here.” Noah says and I direct my attention to him.
I laugh and drink from my beer and shake my head no. “I had to ask. Apparently, I am an arrogant douchebag.”
Noah looks appalled and I know it’s an act. “You? Arrogant? Never…”
I nod accepting the truth. When she described a concert, I felt it and remembered it and I had forgotten what it was like. “I gotta be honest, when she tells me I suck, I listen. When she tells me what she likes best about me I listen.”
I shrug because it was the truth. I pay fucking attention where she is concerned.
“She thinks you asked to come along because you’re scared she will go all fangirl party girl and fuck twelve dudes.”
I choke on my beer floored by what he said. Noah never played gentle, he said everything with the gusto of ripping off a band-aid. When he says she thinks that’s why though, it stings. I shake my head no and look at her again, dancing and free. “I came because I hated knowing I wouldn’t see her tonight.”
He looks at me confused.
“Mya called and asked to take him to the blueberry farm for an arts festival. I was going to see if she wanted to hang with me tonight. She started telling me I was too arrogant to remember what it was like to be a fan, not a performer. I asked if I could come along.” I look at Noah now and need him to believe me. He is her closest friend and one of mine, though their bond is much different than he and I. “I just wanted to be around her Noah. The farthest thing from my mind is Jen reverting to the party girl. She isn’t that chick anymore, I know that and I don’t question it.”
“Tell her that then.” He says and we are interrupted when his wife hops on his back. “Girl, I about threw you.” He pulls her over his back until she is in front of him with her legs around him. They are so happy, he had a long trip to get to where he is today, but he won her over and I have never seen him happier. I think of my boys and how happy they are, how it’s common to see them all cutesy with their girls like Bright and Noah now.
It is another reminder of what Tay and I never had, and what I want. I never knew I wanted it either until last Christmas after spending the entire night inside of Jen.
“Hey you.” Jen says and pulls me from my inner monologue.
“Hey you.” I say back and loop my arm over her shoulders pulling her in close. I know she loves when I hang on her and once I figured that out I do it a hell of a lot more now. I tug her ponytail until she is looking up at me. “Wanna come with me to get a beer?”
She laughs and looks around. “I am all for you shedding the rock star image Cal, but I don’t know if this is the place to do it.”
“Don’t be a pussy. You got the vouchers, I got the cash. Let’s venture out. Old Cal would have no problem getting his own beer.”
She looks around again and then nods. “Okay, let’s go.” She tugs me along, looping her arm through mine and comes up to Raleigh. “We are going to get beers, want anything birthday boy?”
“Oh, can I come so I can be seen with Cal Dorian by all the cute boys here?” He looks at me and winks and I can’t help but laugh. Dude has no boundaries at all, but I also know he feels safe with all of us by those actions. Raleigh was forced to play straight his entire life so he appreciates being accepted by both our group and Jen’s.
“This is the artist formally known as Cal Dorian. He isn’t the rock star we love this evening. This Cal Dorian, concert lover and a nobody just like the rest of us.”
“Oh baby, he will never be that.” Raleigh says and looks at me. “Who you are matters so who gives a fuck how its portrayed?”
I laugh, feeling kind of awkward. “Thanks, Ral. Need anything?” I ask hoping to deflect the conversation.
“Reds Apple Ale.” He says and starts dancing. “Bright snuck whiskey in for me.”
I can’t help but laugh at that remembering when we used to do the same thing. “Damn it, why didn’t I think of that?” I say and smack her ass, eliciting a few stares from her friends.
“Because you forgot, now you’re remerging.” She says and tugs me along toward the beer stand. “I don’t want you to lose who you are Cal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I like you and who you are, I just think you lack the luster in life is all.”
I hear the tension in her voice and I think she’s concerned she offended me. We get to the line and I pull her in front of me so her back is to my chest and use my chin to move her hair around. She loves when I do this, but it also gives me her undivided attention.
“I know that Pope. I think I owe you an explanation to.”
I feel her shiver and I want this with her constantly. “What’s that?” She asks and turns so she can see me, and we are chest to chest.
I cup her face in my hands so she is looking at me. “I weaseled my way to this show tonight because I wanted to hang out with you and nothing else.” I see her eyes light up at that and she swallows hard so I kiss her in case my words weren’t enough. The time is coming for us to shit or get off the pot and I want her. Not just to fuck her, but I want her and I need to clear the path to make sure she knows it.
Her lips taste like cherries, they always do because of that lip gloss that has me addicted. I want to take it further, taste every inch of her mouth, but it is our turn for brews so I pull back slowly and drop a sweet kiss to her nose.
We had a comfortable silence on our way back, her arm still hooked through mine as we carried our beers and Ral’s. By the time we made it to the group the venue went dark and cell phones lit it up.
This was my favorite part on stage, seeing the crowd vibrate and pulse like a heartbeat. I look around at the crowd, the place is packed to the seams, about twenty-two thousand people all hear to light the night up with Denver.
I hear those first few strums of his acoustic and the place went ape shit. I immediately smile and look around as the crowd all come forward a few feet. Those few feet don’t help you see anything else and your eyes train to the large screen on both sides of the stage and everyone is screaming.
And I get it.
I remember exactly this feeling. I feel it now. I have partied with Denver, I have his cell number in my phone, but seeing it here as a fan not a friend?
Priceless.
I pull Jenny into me, my arms around her waist as we sway together to the first song. We are all singing along and I don’t know how I could have lived without this feeling. This excitement, the beer in my hand and the joint being passed between us… without my girl in my arms, safe from the crowd as we sway body to body. I haven’t held a girl like this at a show since I was seventeen.
Fucking Jenny Pope just brought me back home.
Jenny
The crowd is alive and we are all singing and swaying to the music. Cal has me wrapped up in his arms and he is singing and laughing and yelling with the crowd. He is a little stoned for sure, and a little drunk but I love seeing his smile and how free he is in the moment. This is who I fell for as a teen, then again as a fangirl and even now, ten times harder and completely madly in love with as a woman.
I am trying so hard not to read into it because our relationship is tattered. We have sex and need and passion, but we don’t have that thing that couples build on. But, oh it feels like that right now. The last few weeks I have felt that shift in our relationship and I want so bad to believe that he wants more, that he wants me. That he has let Tayla go and he sees me now, without her destroying his heart. That I could mend it if he would just let me.
I want to lean back into him and let him hold me closer or nuzzle my neck. The way he is tonight is so different from any time before. Time didn’t exist before like it is right now and I can’t help but test this new water we are in. I fall back into him, just hard enough he knows it is intentional, knows I want him to touch me.
His arms get tighter around me, his hips closer. One hands on my hip, but the other is splayed over my waist and his thumb is making circles over my shirt. I came into him with purpose and he is touching me back deliberately. I pull my hair from my ponytail and scoop it to the side, exposing my neck in hopes that-
I feel his beard brush up and down my neck as he sings along to a bluesy song about falling in love. In a moment of fuck it, I turn my head slightly and he wastes no time stealing my lips and kissing me. His tongues dances with mine and I want to turn into this and blow caution to the wind. Let everyone realize that CD is Cal and that I want him, regardless of the cost or if he will always love her.
His hand is tighter on my hip, pulling me up against him and I arch at the sensation of the moment. The song ends and the kiss does too, but he keeps me in his arms, fingers slowly turning me inside out and that hand on my hip holding me against him. He doesn’t move his head or try to adjust, he stays glued into me. As if the God’s knew I needed more, Denver starts a slow song that draws the crowd to dance with whoever they love. I see Noah and Bright, dancing and touching, Ral and Sully holding their phones up to the sky as they sing along. Asa found a girl to make out with and he was currently mouth fucking her. Otto and Dari seemed to be in the moment too as they danced and kissed.
I turn my head into Cal, seeing him watching me. “Dance with me Jen.” He says and I nod, placing my hand over his on my stomach, I sway my hips along with his and rest my head to his chest. I use my fingers to lift my shirt just enough so I can feel his callused fingers on my skin. I feel them brush my stomach and I tremble.
“What is it baby?” He asks and the timber in his voice makes it impossible to deny that he feels more than want with me. I almost cry hearing him call me that. Ten years I have waited for Cal to call me baby. It is here I let go and fall for him. I can’t fight against this, I can’t. I want him and love him too much.
I lace my fingers through his and direct him over the expanse of my skin, letting him feel me. His tongue traces a path from my ear to my collar bone and I can’t ignore the erection pressing into me from behind. I look around, expecting anyone to be watching us, but we look like every other couple here. I slip my hands behind my back and twist until I can feel his abs and the warmth of his chest. I tuck my thumbs in his waist band and pull him against me.
The hand that was on my hip is now under my shirt and bra and he is rubbing my nipple gently and driving me crazy. “What do you want baby, tell me?” I roll my neck and feel my eyes water with tears at hearing it again, my heart is both soaring and breaking because I have wanted it for so long.
I turn my head into him until I am at his ear. “I… don’t call me that and not mean it Caly, please… it’ll cost too much.”
I feel his breath on my chest as I speak and I am prepared to lose this feeling with my admittance that being his ‘baby’ matters to me. He turns his face and kisses me slow and sweet. “I fucking mean it baby.”
Those words floor me and I want to leave and go home, explore whatever is going on between us. I don’t say that though, it will come in time and honestly, I wasn’t nothing more than to relish this with him.
“Do you believe me Jen?”
I look at him, his eyes are glossy and he looks so relaxed and happy. I know he has a buzz, but he is serious and not wasted so I know he means it.
I cup his chin and pull him to my lips, kissing him soft and sweet. “Yeah Caly, I believe you.”
We watch as the lights come on over the venue and all the crowds make their way to the gates behind us. I lace my fingers in Jens and go to turn when Noah stops us all. “Hey, let’s go say hi tell him good show.”
Everyone hoots and hollers a hell yeah, and Jen looks at me. “Want to?”
Fucking loaded question. I want to go home and see what happens between us, just want her alone, but the professional in me says I should be there. “I’m cool, Denver will understand if we aint there. Unless you want to meet him. I’m cool either way firefly.”
I see her eyes light when I say it and I love the effect it has on her. I kind of always found babe or baby to be generic and Tay loved that generic predictable shit. I am slowly learning that I might have been predictable.
Turns out I like following my instinct and telling logic to go fuck itself.
Everyone else, it seems noticed the term I used also. Fuck em’ though, I only care what she wants.
See? Not predictable.
“We can go. I haven’t met him it could be cool.”
“Then we go.” I say and kiss her knuckles before pulling her to my side. They all watch as I guide her the opposite way of the crowd.
Jenny
“So… how did I do?” He asked as we sit around the fire in the backyard. I hate that he felt like I was judging him.
I am laying back on the couch that circles the pit, my feet on his lap, dying from the omg goodness of him rubbing my feet. “I hate that I made you feel self-conscious. That wasn’t my intent.”
He smiles and slides his hands to my ankles and shins. “I should from time to time though. I am arrogant. I hate to admit it, but money changed me.”
I pull my legs from him and sit up, so I am facing him. He wants none of that though and pulls my legs to him until I am right beside him. “That’s better.” He says and chuckles.
“See, that’s that sexy swagger that you have right there, and it is part of the arrogance so no, it isn’t all bad. That swagger will get you any girl you want.”
He watches me, pondering what I just said. “I think I have what I want, right here.”
He isn’t flirting. No, he is being real, and I can’t breathe. I have to say and do the right thing here, no matter how much I want to scream okay and strip naked. “What’s that?”
“You, me…a fire, few beers. Axe is missing, but he’s always here with us regardless.
“You had that with Tayla didn’t you?” I ask because I am curious. Lately he implies that I make a difference and I want so bad to know why… to know what happened or what was wrong with him and Tayla.
“No, not at all. We weren’t bad together. Axe was a monkey wrench though, but even then… I don’t know. I know she loves him, but I don’t think he is what we were planning on. We both wanted kids, but I think we never would have had them. She was okay with us putting our careers first. I changed with him- for him. I didn’t want to work nonstop. I wanted to go to the park and to play or do Sundays in bed with ESPN or Star Wars.”
I can tell he isn’t done, so I sip from my wine and wait on him to open up more. “I don’t think she was fucking Black when she says she was.” He stops and looks at me. “That day in court when you signed him over to me?” He asks me like as if I could forget.
“Hard to forget that day. I didn’t sleep for months because I felt so much guilt.”
“Firefly…” He says and scoots until he is right in front of me and places his hands in mine. “Never feel that, not on that. I saw you for the first time that day. I saw more than what I had always assumed. I saw it wrecked you, I knew you loved him and that there was more to the story. If I had to fight you I was willing, but you did the hardest thing and it was what he needed. It gave him his mom back, Jen.”
I feel my tears fall and try to pull my hands from his to shield them. I never let anyone see me hurt, but in this, with Axe… I can’t hide it. Cal leans in and kisses them as they fall, then uses his thumbs to wipe them away.
“You are an amazing mom Jen. Never ever doubt that. Even when you were ruled by things that hurt you both, you tried to do what you could and when you couldn’t, you brought him home. That money that I changed for, that money that gave him what he needed?" He shakes his head and sighs. "It was the strongest most difficult thing you ever had to do." He takes my hand and brushes my knuckles. "The right thing is never the easy thing."
I nod and try to catch my breath because he is too good, it scares me to love him like this. “Tell me the rest, tell me why you thought of that day Cal.”
“We don’t need to talk about this. We don’t need to talk about her. Shit gets awkward because I am feeling you and I am passed what she did.”
He's so open about his feelings and I love it, love finally glimpsing some emotion from him about us. But to say he is over her is a scary thought. He rearranged his life and the very person he was for her. It isn’t something you get past easily when the person you love destroys you.
“If you’re passed it then tell me.”
He sits back and looks at the fire for a minute. He doesn’t seem frustrated, just in thought. So again, I wait and let him find his words.
“In court that day. I told the Judge that Tay was going to be my wife, and that she would be adopting Axe.” He looks at me, and honestly, I think he is assessing if I seem bothered by what he says. I don’t want to think of him with her ever, but I am so used to thinking of them together as opposed to living in the destructive hell he went through and the wake of her heartlessness when she left.
“Anyway, she flipped the fuck out after we left court. I mean flipped out. She was so bent over the fact I hadn’t proposed to her yet, that I just assumed…” He shakes his head and it is proof he isn’t over it all yet. He is bothered by what he knows now and was too blinded too see back then.
“I had assumed. I assumed that was the plan and I don’t think she did. Hind sight is twenty-twenty, and I should have caught it then. I think that was when she and Black started, that it was around that time. Now- I know and can place the late nights at the office and when the constant bitching and anger. She was not with him until after that court date. She won’t risk her pride in telling me she cheated long after we had committed to one another. She will never tell me the truth, and I don’t know... I guess I just stopped needing it.”
He looks at me and I can see he is scared to tell me these things. Whether he feels nothing or he still loves her isn’t the point. He wants me to know because he respects me and it is the first time I think it might just be what he says.
“I chose Axe. The minute I saw him at my mom and dads, saw his eyes. I knew my world was a different one and I think she resented me for it. It took me years to choose her and seconds with Axe.”
“Can I ask something?” I hadn’t thought about these timelines or why they would matter, but wanted the answers anyway.
“You guys were together for like three years or something right?”
He nods and swigs from his beer. “Yeah and no. We were fucking since the first album. It started about a month before Shames dad died. That was six and a half years ago.”
I calculate the timeline in my head and feel horrified. “So, we were…”
He nods. “Yeah, every-time I knew you were around. Hell, there were times I told her to pass along the message to come to my bus if I didn’t go to the greenroom or you didn’t. I sent money for it, reserved rooms for it. Tay knew it all. I can’t hide what a piece of shit I was, to both of you and the countless others.”
This is the first time we have both talked about it. Uncovered all the shit and secrets. He knows mine and now I am hearing his. “Did she ever put that together?” I ask, humiliated for her, which is weird because I didn’t know. I like to think that if I would have known he had someone waiting on him, that I would have denied him. I can’t say I would back then, because sadly I loved him too.
“Oh, fuck yeah, every chance she could. All the girls were thrown in my face.”
“Do you ever think that if I would have told you about Axe when he was born… I don’t know do you ever think we both would have been different?”
He seems to truly think on it and ponder that question. I understand the weight of it, I have spent countless hours pondering it too.
“I think I would have been an even bigger dick to you both. I needed Axe to find my heart. I fell for Tay around a year before I knew he existed. Had I not fought to win her and changed every part of me, I would have shit on you and the boy.”
I nod but say nothing because I know it kills him to answer with the truth he did. For all my changes and all of his, we were both our worst selves when we created Axe.
We watch the fire, deep in thought. I finish my wine and he finishes his beer. The night has kicked my ass though and I am ready for a chick flick in bed where I might cry or laugh. I felt that spark at the concert, but now I feel awful hearing about their shitty relationship from the start.
“Did I ruin everything talking about this shit?” He asks and I watch him scrub his beard.
“Ruin what? It’s been a good night I thought.” I am the master of playing it cool, when all I want to do is beg him to pick me, pick us and let her go.
“Come here you little liar. Come sit with me and hear me out.” He pulls me onto my knees and scoops my ass in his hands before plopping me on his lap.
“I don’t want us to just fuck Jen. I want you. I need you and it go's deep." He looks at me, his intense eyes, those thick long lashes that melt me... "I won’t lay my heart out and dive into how I feel and be pushed away, again."
I want so bad to say yes and kiss him, but… I take a deep breath and kiss him sweetly before I say what I need to. “I need to be fair to my heart and to Axe. I never want him to hope for us as a family with the white picket fence and then not deliver it. I want you so much Cal, I think about you and what we could be so much.”
“But?” He asks me, and he looks terrified.
“But, we have never done the date thing, or to fuck without need being the driving force. I want you to want me in every sense of the word. To own me, heart and soul. Before that could ever happen, Caly you need to choose between Tay and I.” I place my finger over his lips when he goes to protest what I just said.
“Let me clarify. I know you and Tayla are done and living in separate worlds. I get it, but I need to decide if your heart feels that too. I can date you and we can grow this thing between us, but I will need to know it is me and only me before I can give you all of me. I won’t compete with her memory. I have waited so long Cal, over ten years in and out of your bed wishing I could stay. I need to know that when I am there I am there for good, and I can wait for that.”
“Why now?” I see what he is saying. But, starting now it counts on a different scale.
“Caly, I am not saying I won’t be with you or in your bed." I sigh and try to find the right words. "Every night before this moment took its toll on my heart. I have never even shared a night’s sleep in your arms. I want to know that if I risk my heart with you, then I need to know you’ll figure it out soon and not string me along.” I kiss him, let my lips linger. I feel his hands encase my ass and pull me into him, feeling what I do to him, wanting him more than ever, I still pull back and hope he agrees.
“So, what are you asking me Red, break it down.” He nuzzles into my neck, pulling my hair to expose my entire neck. It is impossible to think right now as he does it. I pull back and place my hands on his chest.
“You are making it too hard to think.”
He laughs and nods, folding his arms over his chest and he gives me his undivided attention.
“I am saying yes, yes let’s date, let’s make something special spark in bed and fall asleep together. Take me on dates, I will take you on some fun ones. Be in my life and let me into yours…”
"You recall I said this same thing a few days ago?"
"Yeah and I didn’t answer. Now I am asking the same in return as well as agreeing to it... you are who I want Cal..."
"But?" He asks again and I know he is frustrated.
"But, I need to know it’s me. I need to feel it and know it’s true. I handed my heart to you the only way I could and I need you to choose to give me yours."
"Then I will give you the proof Jen and I will find some way to let you see inside me to know it's true. And, on a side not we spent the night together last night in your bed just sleeping."
I am bombarded with the thoughts on what he thinks or feels about the journals and I need to know. I can’t burry this. "I was not going to ask this. I was going to play it out and see."
He looks at me confused now and tips my chin so I see his eyes. "Ask what?"
"The journals? Did you..." I choke on the question and look away. I wanted him to see into my mind in a way I couldn’t give him on my own. I also fear the truth of what those mean for us if he hasn’t.
"Did I read them?" He asks and the pain that lances every dingle part of his face tells me he did. "I read almost everything. There was a lot that I forgot until reading it." He twirls pieces of my hair.
"I remembered the night your mom left and when you moved back to the trailer. There was a lot I don’t remember because I was wasted or just didn’t give a fuck."
He lifts me off of him and stands. "I can’t sugar coat some of what I feel about the shit in those journals Jen. I can’t sugar coat it because I refuse to give you less than the truth." He looks around until he sees the joint Noah gave him and lights it. "Be sure you want to talk about it all."
Cal
I thought I would have more time to ponder everything in those books and now I am on the spot and I have no choice but to go with it and pray I can still keep her loving me when I am done.
"I let you inside of my soul, my thoughts and fears, everything I felt. I won’t accept less than that Cal."
I light the joint and pull in a huge drag before looking at her again. "There is no reason you should love me Jen. None what so ever. I don’t deserve it and in the same breath I thank God you do."
"Cal-" She tries to talk but I cut her off.
"I can’t tell you I didn’t see you or want you. I did and the last time you left my bus, after I treated you so awful- fuck! I said shit that no woman deserves to hear and I left you to go fuck two other bitches that night!" I throw the joint in the fire, it isn’t helping.
"I went and fucked two chicks right after, unaware that what I said, how I acted..." I can’t even look at her for my shame. "Those books brought up other shit too, shit I have buried for years. All that shit is what made treating you like hell okay."
She closes her eyes and she knows what I mean. "Everything I did with other men?" She asks and I laugh darkly.
"My friends Jen. That is the one thing I hated you the most for back then."
"I know. I knew then and it was why I did it. I needed something to tell me you missed me. It wasn’t right, it was foul to do it and I won’t give you an excuse."
Sometimes I want to wring her neck, sometimes I want to kiss her. Fuck me... "Jen I wish I could tell you my every thought or feeling so that you knew I always missed you like you gave me. My feelings changed and morphed into something ugly when I committed to Tayla. I talk all this hard shit like I fought for her and bore my soul. I didn’t. I didn’t tell her about how shitty a person I was inside and out. I didn’t tell her how I treated you when you were in Idaho and alone. I didn’t tell her, 'Hey babe, I fucked Jenny Pope a while back and left her to fish out the condom when I fucked two more Randoms that night.' I never did because I don’t think I changed for the best until you."
I scrub my face and just keep spilling this horrible shit to her. "I bad mouthed you, I tore you down." I reach for her hand and try to give some form of reason though there isn’t one. "I was innocent once. That kid that taught you to give head, that kid you called for when your world fell apart, he loved you. It isn’t what you had for me, hell I didn’t even see it that way back then. But I loved you and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you from being sad."
She has tears in her eyes and reaches for the bottle of wine beside her on the concrete. I take it and pour it for her and wait until I have her eyes again.
"I never told anyone what I am about to tell you. It isn’t eloquent or special. It is ugly and it was my turning point between us."
She nods and wipes her tears; a shaking hand holds the glass to her lips.
"That night you fucked Noah on the beach?" I ask and she squeezes her eyes shut at the truth of my words. I want to comfort her and I will when I get to the softer shit, but right now I will confront this. "I followed you guys. I didn’t think that you would fuck him. I actually thought you would be crying over me. I was gonna tell him to leave and tell you I wanted you. I didn’t know how I would do it or what to say, I just knew it was what I wanted."
I look away as I get a beer from my fridge by the outdoor kitchen before finishing. "I found you guys by the reeds and I listened to all of it."
I see her hands go to her mouth, trying to hide the awful painful sound that escaped. She sobs, and other than the night she told me about her rape, I have never seen her so hurt. "I didn’t know..." She cries and I can’t help but take her into my arms once I am back to the couch.
"I know, me too." I say and I mean it. "Sorry isn’t enough Jenny, not even close but it is all I have to start with."
"After that, things were different. I figured Noah said something." She says and holds me tighter.
"No, he was never one for bragging. If you didn’t see it or were there, he was a vault."
She cups my face and looks at me. "If I ever would have thought we stood a glimmer of a chance it never would have happened Cal. I know I am a fuck up, but you were bigger than any one thing in my life."
"Any time I was rude about it or egged it on, it was me and my ego. When they were there, I did everything I could to have your focus on me. When you were with them I convinced myself, you were thinking of me."
I wipe the wetness from under her eye and lick the pad of my thumb. "Listen close here. I hand delivered you into that hell knowing full well you were chasing me. Shitty way to get my attention, no doubt about it, but I have a part in it. We all made it okay for you to be that girl Jen. By the time you were lost, I was the first to degrade you and hold it against you. I will never be a better person than you Jen, then or now."
"For what it is worth Caly, I never meant to hurt you. Never." She is so determined to ensure I believe her.
"I did mean to hurt you Jen. I wanted you and I hated you for it. It was innocent once and all of that..." I tug her hair to keep her eyes on me. "All of it was real and innocent and sweet." I kiss her sweetly on the lips. "I look back all the time and wonder what I missed with Axe and I get pissed, but I know that how it worked is how it worked and I am glad he is healthy thriving and awesome. I have read the birth reports from the hospital, I verified the reports from DCFS and Red, you fucked up a lot, but the worst thing that he was exposed to was sleeping in a car seat, being on the bus a few weeks before I got him and taking him there... that night."
"I know." She cries and I feel like an asshole for laying it out there for her, but if I don’t it will fester.
"I know you are sorry and remorse is a bitch is small doses, so I can imagine the hell you feel by it. But, you want to know why I can work through it?"
She nods and lights a smoke as she finishes her wine.
"I took a look at the entire thing. This lifestyle and the shit it brings to your door. Say Candey didn’t die and Noah slipped off the wagon for some other reason? She would have left him and he still would have had to clean his life up for her no different than you are for Axe. We all forgave him, saw his reasons and wrote the excuse. Not a single fucking person wrote an excuse for you or paved your way. You did it all alone."
She starts to shake her head no and crying harder. "I had someone helping me Cal."
I look at her confused and wonder what she means. "Who? Your mom?" I swear that chick was never around and she even told me herself that her mom didn’t even know about Axe.
"Noah." Then she proceeds to tell me that he tried to buy her off and never look back and she asked for rehab instead. "It was how we became friends. After court that day, he took me to Riverside and I stayed thirty days and stripped it all away. I went to meetings with him and we talked about everything. Then that night he came in and those bikers beat him up..." She shivers and looks at the fire, flicking her smoke in it.
"That's why you went with him?" I recall leaving that night done and over his shit. I had cut him off from everything and walked away. He only agreed to go to rehab after I had left and by Sully and Jen's hand not mine.
"How much did he offer you?" I ask, out of curiosity. I wasn’t angry or feel betrayed. I was glad they helped each other. She was a huge part in saving Noah from himself.
"Five hundred thousand and to never look back."
I nod. "I was willing to offer five million but our lawyer said no and shut me down. I was mad as hell that day though, I had no idea you would give a one-eighty."
"He offered me before court and I didn’t take it. When I left the court room that day though and saw him playing with Axe... I asked him if I could take his offer and get help instead."
"Well I am glad you’re here stronger and wiser than ever before. Once you solved whatever equation you were working on Jen, you came back a triple threat and a hell of a mom."
We sit in silence and I want to tell her I read the last entry of that book, but how do you say, 'so I read about your rape?' Fucking you don’t that’s how. I am not gentle or calm with that shit at all and I need to learn to be.
"Did you read the end?" She asked me and I internally scream because even the thought of it makes me a monster. I try to think of the talk with Noah and Chad and be comforting.
I nod.
Not the strongest response but I am trying not to show my panic about it. She lived it for fucks sake, I need to man up and be here for her. "I did and honestly..." I look at her and sigh. "I wish I didn’t. I wanted to know the truth of it all and the details because I thought the answer would be in the details. It wasn’t. You were brutalized and traumatized and even the thought of it..." I look at her then and tell the truth, brutal or not. "I want to find em' and fuckin' kill'em Jen."
"I have days where I want them to pay... When I think they probably do it often I feel like a bitch for not ratting them out, but fear over rules that too. I worry they will have connections and hurt Axe or you...it isn’t a price I want to pay."
She takes my beer and sips from it. "Where I come from, that type of ugly is on every corner. I have seen them before and it is why I only go home on the nights I have doubles and don’t see you guys. It is safe here and nothing or no one can touch us."
I can hear the fear in her voice and knowing she has seen them since makes my body vibrate with anger I try to hide. "You can move in Jen. I wouldn’t expect a thing. Keep your room and do your thing. You want to support yourself, I get that... but I have millions Jen, millions. Stop working at Skin and come here, focus on your PIT work and put the time in there. It is safe there and you are always with people that got your back because you are family. There’s and mine."
"But if I do that, I will always wonder if I could have done it alone." She says and, fuck I admire her pride even if it isn’t reasonable anymore.
"Pride is a glorious thing in small doses. This shit, babe it is pride before the fall shit. They know you and you have seen them? I guarantee that you see them at Skin and this shit cannot fly anymore. He lost you once before. Do not let it happen again because of pride."
"What do you pay in rent?" I ask and I am up and looking at her.
"Seven hundred with utilities."
"Okay! Hold that thought." I rush in the house and to my office and pull out one of the standard contracts I have that state a contract is in effect for any reason. There is a space to explain the contract in detail until a permanent one is drawn up.
I grab it and head outside, stopping at the counter of the outdoor kitchen. I sign it and head to her, handing her both the contract and the pen. "Pay me seven hundred with utilities. Look at it like a really empty apartment complex with three tenants. We have a pool, weight room, full kitchen, a few of them. Rent a room and use of the house from me."
"You can’t be serious." She says and looks at me like I am joking. Nope. Not joking, just smart.
"I have never once made a joke about a binding contract and it is binding. Me and the guys use these all the time. Roadies, crew help, Axes specialists. I am not kidding and never will when it is business and this, and only this is business Red."
She looks to my guest house and back at me. "I need to think on this Cal... it’s a lot."
"Okay, Noah always says that women need to detour around the obvious, so go ahead and detour. You will still sign it because I have left no other options for you not to and you know I am right. There is guest house three hundred feet from us, use that if you need more. But sign it when the detour leading you right back here is done."
"Deal." She says laughing and I pull her up and into my arms, kissing her soundly. "Are we okay?" She asks and I get it, we covered some heavy shit tonight.
"We have more to hash out, but we got through the worst tonight. I think we are more than okay. We will tackle more in time. For now, honestly I just want to fuck you senseless."
She smacks my shoulder and laughs. “Tell me what I asked for is okay Cal. Tell me you understand why I need you to make a conscious choice. I am taking all the risk because I believe in us.”
“I am ok with this plan, Jen. I think it’s wise, but know that I am not doubting that I will choose you. I can do it your way and be as we have been, with more touching, fucking and dates and dinners. I am still going to pick you though after all is said and done. I’ll pick you because you are what I want, so don’t doubt me too much.”
“Deal.”
“I want to take you up to my bed, lay you out and start something we never tried before.”