Chapter Seven
Cal
Once the shock of Tay showing up and the news of the engagement I finally had the guys down stairs while the girls all gushed over flowers, food, colors...
"Jesus once the hormones race and they hear wedding, something shy of insane takes over." Noah says as we all sit in the production room.
"Dude I tuned out the minute they started on color themes or whatever. The names they used are annoying. Like, just say pink. Light pink, dark pink, regular pink. It's fucking pink. Not Malibu sunset or Champaign blush." I say and we all laugh.
"Fuck she can do whatever she wants and I don’t give a shit the extravagance as long as she is there and says I do." Noah says and Shame agrees.
"Dude we did it right. Courthouse. Twenty minutes. Fifty bucks."
"Yeah, I can’t believe Cass hasn’t pushed for a big wedding, she loves the girly shit." Chad says.
"Yeah, we have talked about something intimate and small, but she isn’t much for big scene anymore. Corey stripped her of the carefree side."
We all have a few choice words as we think of Corey Noxx and how he almost robbed us of Sassy.
I decide to break topic and jump right in. "So, look, ever since the party at the Aloha... I don’t know but something about that opening act Lexington Cherry?" I look at them for recognition and they all shake their heads yes.
"I want to take the time off right now to collaborate with her on an album. Her sound and voice with my guitar."
I wait for responses and both Chad and Noah cringe. "Dude, her sound sucked..." Chad says not bothering with sugar coating it. He doesn’t know that I agree though.
"Her bass is not even in the same stadium Cal." Noah says and again I agree.
I look to Shame who seems to be overthinking this. "Any thoughts Shame?"
"Well I personally thought the orchestral vibe of her drums, though electronic, were awesome with her sound." He looks at me questioningly. "Is she hip hop, indie...?"
"I think R&B, but with this seriously dope electronic beat. I don’t think even I can explain it, its new. I went to her show earlier this week and, not kidding it was awful." I shake my head at the memory. "She was playing at Pinky's and I watched side stage as people were laughing and leaving."
I look at them, needing for them to try to understand, though I don’t think they will until they can hear it.
"I walked out on the stage, took her guitar, dropped the bass on her computer and put her at the piano. By the end of the song we had the place on their feet desperate for more."
They are nodding and trying to picture it. It isn’t doubt though, they know that I can hear a beat that is off the wall and put it together.
"What song was it? Hers or a cover?" Chad asks.
"Ours?" Noah asks and I know he is irritated at the thought of his bass ever sounding like shit.
"Song by a girl named Fleurie. I would have stopped the show if she was killing our shit." I say and they laugh, mostly because they know damn well I am just that cocky.
"What type of music is this Fleurie?" Shame asks while looking her up on his phone.
"She's indie, everything about her. Tay loved her and played her often. They way Lex does it though..." I pause trying to explain it and they are all looking at me with a mix of shock and confusion.
"What?" I ask and sit straighter.
"Do you have a little crush on Lex?" Shame asks and they laugh.
"Come on!" I say and stand. "I am not into her no, but if you heard her you would get it. It's like electronic, symphonic Rhythm and Blues. My guitar adds that reckless fire that makes number ones happen."
"Did you bring a demo or anything?" Chad asks and now Noah and Shame are taking notes and I have effectively put my boys in work mode.
Finally.
"No, I asked her to come here to play it so you could see. I have chemistry with her like I do you guys. She didn’t know what she was doing at first, mixing the beats but I showed her a thing or two and, hand to God... it will blow your mind."
"I will be the voice of reason here." Chad says and looks me dead in the eye. "It isn’t that I don’t trust your ability because you are the best at composing and how you hear it, how it inspires. I am concerned you getting involved with something so left field and being a laughing stock. I need to see it live to know if I can give you all my support."
"That's fair. Anyone else want to add to the table before I annihilate all caution from your minds?" I ask, slightly annoyed by Chads, full support speech.
"Look, you are like he said, the best at composition. But this could affect your brand." Shame says and shrugs and I get it they are scared and I can respect that.
"I'll break it down." Noah says and strums on his bass as he tightens his strings. "With the list comes a ton of controversy as well. You do this after being in the top fifty in the 21st? Then fail... you will be called arrogant and cocky for all the wrong reasons. You need to protect yourself in this until some industry sound minds agree with us."
"You guys won’t agree though until we both dance for you, right?"
I don’t hide my irritation from them.
Noah stands and sets his guitar aside and cups his hands between his legs. "I am with you one hundred even if it sounds like shit, but I am not the know all be all of labels and production. I am saying be sure you trust it implicitly so the chance is worth it tenfold."
I nod and chew at my thumb. Insecurities are a mother fucker. I usually reserve that shit for my parenting and shit with Jen. I have not felt an ounce of insecurity since joining TAT and it’s because I knew, like I know now, that where we were going would take the world by storm.
"Can you guys give me the benefit of the doubt and let me bring to life what I am trying to inspire right now? I have never steered us wrong in this industry and I have worked longer, harder and damn near sacrificed everything for us. So, a little credit would be justified." I look at them, my disappointment like a heartbeat in the room. "Trust me to show you even if you can’t understand it."
I shake my head and grab my jacket. "Your studio isn’t set up so I am headed to my place to meet her. Come if you can have a little faith because once I hone this shit it will blow everything like it to pieces."
Bright and the girls agreed to keep Axe until Jen was off at nine, but right as Lex showed up the entire crew did too. Wives, Fiancés and kids in tow.
Including Jen.
"What's up?" I ask and laugh as my kitchen filled with my people.
"We heard you needed a little audience for a new project." Raleigh says and pops a hip on my counter trying his damndest to look serious. "I love projects, so I am 100 baby."
He looks at Lex and winks and she smiles, but seems extremely confused.
"Everyone this is Lexington Cherry." I spread my arm out in grand style as I show off the misfits that helped make me who I am, then to her. "Lex meet everyone."
They all introduce and chit chat, welcoming her and I look to my boys, all three sitting together with a beer in hand looking like the three stooges.
"Thanks for coming... just let me show you without the bullshit pre-game yeah?"
They nod and each go kiss and man handle their females while I take Lex's gear in my hands...and look to Jen who I just saw walk in the door. I set Lex's stuff down, except her guitar which was still missing a case.
Something I was rectifying immediately.
"Hey..." I say and let it hang there not really sure if we could see eye to eye anymore.
"Hey. I got off early after the blow out earlier so when Bright text me and told me to meet here..." Her words trail off and I hate the Grand Canyon size of drama and tension between us. I just want her and don’t know why that isn’t enough.
Want is the hand holder of true love. They are only perfect when together, just like Red and I.
"Regardless of everything going on and the tension between us..." I look at her hoping she will know I am sincere. "Jen, you never need a reason to be here. You have a room and when it is your time with Axe or not. This is your home too."
She nods and I see the faint blush on her cheeks.
"Do you want to come and see what the fuss is about? I guarantee it will be East of awesome." I try to show my excitement and my desire for her approval.
"East of awesome?" She asks and I can hear the amusement in her tone and it gives me relief. For now, we are at peace and that is a start.
"Yeah East." I motion to the ceiling. "The sky is the limit when I put my mind on something."
"Well I guess we go see what East of awesome is all about." She says, but she is looking at the peanut gallery watching us interact.
"Let’s do this Lex." I look at everyone with a greedy smile. "Time to show the haters what genius looks like."
"I don’t think Hurricane will show the truth to what we want to show off. Can we please do RITUAL Better by Now?" She asks as we set up in the booth. No mics are on so I feel comfortable talking openly with her.
"Look, pull no punches, right?" I ask and she nods in agreement, chewing her bottom lip.
"The reason I am not available is the red head on the production side holding the boy speaking in ASL. That is my son Axe as you know, but the redhead is his mom Jenny and the one woman who killed me for any other woman. If I play better by now, I have to sing parts in it and it's too real with her here feel me?"
"No." She says and folds her arms, ready to argue with me in an instant. "That is why you play it. That emotion you play is heard well in the lyrics too and it is why it's our best cover so far. Once shit gets personal the music makes it real."
I see the green light flick on knowing everyone can hear us now, so I keep it on the subject at hand. I look at her stunned and feel pride in the fight for the right song, but shock at the point she made and nod because I need her to shut the fuck up before everyone knows how fucked up I am over Jen.
"It needs to be half of both of us and that is the best song to show our direction. If we pull no punches then shut the fuck up and play your emotion and express your broken heart Calvin."
The minute she says Calvin everyone, every single person on the other side of the glass is in stitches of laughter. I cringe knowing damn well while they are laughing.
"Green light is on jackass." Shamus says and is still laughing. "I mean Calvin." They all start rolling again but my only concern is on Jen.
There is no flattery in her eyes from what she heard. My people know how deep she is inside of me, inadvertently or not, she will see this as something for Tay or some other fail of mine on her behalf. I know it the minute I see her eyes.
More games
More denial
More bullshit.
So over it.
So, fuck her, I can fight back and dig deeper with the truth than react to these games anymore.
Knowing I need to keep check on my crazy, I mentally scream fuck fifty times in my head as I set up to play Better by Now first and shove it down her throat.
I will however remain insane though.
Awesome.
"She called me CD to give me anonymity, but that name... reminds me of blue smurf’s with English accents and it turns my stomach. She chose Calvin over Cal. Calvin will always be better than CD." I look to Jen, knowing all my friends are looking at me with pure shock. They know CD. Very well. But Jen knows why I disdain the mother fucker. "Mark my words on that."
Being the dick, I am these days I flip the mic off and wait for the red light to look at Lex. "Oh, fuckin A yes, let’s play this shit."
I flip the mic on and address my small audience.
"This song is called Better by Now by RITUAL. Covers aren’t my thing and that will be clear in the rendition of this with the guitar I bring in. I just want your opinion on what we do here. Hear it, tell us how both styles blend."
I count in and wait for the audio she set starts in, minus the bass, which I will account for as I play. Usually the male is the lead in this song, but no I am better as backup. This show is for them to hear the vibe and the vibe is her voice. It also takes away from the original in the best way possible.
That had been the win on her end for this choice. Until me there was no male vocal.
I watch the impressed faces of my friends as we take the chorus together and know in that minute that we had back up in this project.
Fucking told them so.
Jen
I watch as Cal finishes this song by doing his thing, his voice becoming the dominant lead as Lexington falls back as they go in and out. His guitar, haunting as he sings how he misses her, misses himself.
The end of the song comes as Cal and Lexington both sing it to an end and we all stand up and clap.
"Holy fucking shit is that the Cal Dorian of the brush it off way of life?" Chad says turning the mic from red to green.
Cal laughs and makes his way with Lex to the studio and out of the sound booth. I hate that she has red hair. I replay his threat to make it hurt a million times a day and it hurts. Seeing it is a whole new level of torture. He takes her hand in his as the come's in the room, then moves his hand to her back in that comforting and protective way as he holds the door for her.
"Holy shit! That was unreal Cal." Shame says and gives him the one arm man hug before kissing Lexington sweetly on the cheek. "You too, your voice is platinum for sure."
"I didn’t know you could sing like that." Noah says, still seated between Bright, Axe and myself. A look of awe and wonder on his face. I agree I didn’t know either, but I don’t have the knowledge like these guys do. I simply could tell he had a voice.
"That’s because when I do back up my tone only makes Chads even stronger. Alone I am more Zayne than Benjamin Burnley."
"Awe, thanks man. That’s a hell of a compliment." Chad says and Cal rolls his eyes.
"How humble of you to pretend you don’t know your voice is similar to his." Cal says and laughs before they exchange knuckles. "So, we are going to play that Fleurie one now and show you the orchestral side I told you about earlier."
Everyone agrees and wishes them good luck, but I am watching his every move and hear her laugh as the light goes red signaling that the outer sound, i.e. us in the production room, is cancelled out and then he hits record just as he does last time.
She is still laughing and flinging her bright ass red hair over her shoulder. Chick thinks she's the fucking little mermaid or something. I shake my head warding off my own demons when Noah interrupts my toxic thoughts.
"Hey!" He whispers yells and snaps his fingers in front of my face. "You told him no remember? If you can’t be supportive because you’re jealous then go smoke or some shit, but stop glaring at Lex. She is sweet, wet behind the ears and very fuckin young. Calm down baby psycho."
I lean back and look at him when he called me baby psycho. "Baby psycho?" I ask, the fact I am obviously offended kept me from screeching it out loud for everyone.
"Yes. You. He is the main psycho here, courtesy of your defiance, now you act as bad as him. Knock it the fuck off Jen. If you aren’t going to be his, then stop interfering for anyone else to be in his life by choice. You have no right to keep denying you want him then act offended or jealous when he spends time with any woman."
Noah-" I stopped talking though the minute I heard Hurricane start. It was captivating and still hip hopped out like the first one, but this had an undertone too it that made it far more poignant that the first. This one felt hollow or lost... it left an ache in the first verse.
There is denying the talent between them or the fact her voice was remarkable and unique.
Cal sat silent playing the piano as she sang and captivated us all. I watched him though. His emotions were all over his face no matter how hard he masked them and watching him was magnificent. I never knew he had so many layers or that his talent was so vast.
The song is titled 'Hurricane' and I remember calling Tay a hurricane he kept walking into. The lyrics tell me this song reminds him of that moment, but it could be wishful thinking.
It is the first time I question if I could tell him my secrets and trust he would forgive me and perhaps help to heal me. I question it because I have never watched him shed the mask he wears and welcome the realness of his emotions.
Exactly what Lexington told him would happen.
Oh my god, he is so beautiful.
Tears prick my eyes as I try to hide how much I love him... but I don’t know in this particular moment why I would ever deny him? I feel so foolish.
The beats she created get louder and his face becomes more intense the louder and harder it hits.
As if he knows I am paying attention to his every move he stands as Lexington sits to replace him as he reaches for his guitar... and blows me completely away.
His guitar is a loud presence in the room when the beat she produces plays loud, but doesn’t burry his sound. There’s these crazy sounding drums and a mixture of his guitar and the piano, it is so intense.
Right when I think it is over though, Cal plays a light cord as she plays just as slow on the piano. Then, in sync they both stop to only come in harder than the song could have predicted and now we are all screaming and cheering.
Axe flies from my lap and goes to the window and beats on the glass to the tune of what percussion he hears and I know it is why he changes the beats of this song, to hit hard and play it so Axe can feel it. Every song is created for Axe since the day his hearing went to shit.
This is no different. He needs Axe to hear it.
So, we can feel it.
He is, truly a God damned Rockstar.
Cal
I saw my boy when I brought in those percussion drums and knew he would love it, feel it. By the look on the faces of our intimate audience told me I knew damn well I was on to something.
"We rocked it." I say to Lex and she smiles from ear to ear.
"I have never felt that Calvin." The excitement in her voice had its own tone in the room and if I was honest with myself then I would admit that rocking the idea in my head had me damn excited too.
I knew music, it guided me in any stage of my life, and now I brought it out in such a unique and tasteful way... knowing the approval waiting outside the doors would tell me I made the right choice.
"Holy shit Cal..." Chad says with awe and hugs me. "I had no idea how East of awesome you really are." He shakes his head in astonishment and I laugh.
"East of Awesome is catching on... I like it."
I look to Shame for his opinion on the orchestral drums instead of techno drums. "How did the drums work?"
"Bad ass. Makes me want to add some to our slower shit. How'd you get the beat to know how to chase a computer set up?"
"Just how I hear it I guess. That's all I could think to avoid that bass beat and use the guitar, drums and piano to replace it."
"Fucking genius." Noah says and Axe starts jumping in front of me.
“Like that Axe?” I sign and speak knowing Lexington doesn’t speak ASL.
'It was loud and made my feet tickle. Shame was playing air drums to it.' He signs then laughs when Shame hi-fives him. Drummers in arms.
"He said it was loud and tickled his feet and that uncle Shame was playing the air drums." Jen says to Lex who smiles huge.
"Can he read lips?" She asks Jen and we both say yes, if it is slow.
"I can interpret." Jen says and tells Lex to talk.
"Thank you for coming Axe. I am so glad you liked it." She said still smiling at him as Jen signs.
'I wish I could hear your voice better though.'
Jen smiles sweetly at him and signs. 'You will one day and I bet they will sing for you then too.'
Jen stands when he nods and I explain to Lex what he said.
She looks at me sadly for a second then claps her hands and jumps in excitement. "You recorded that right?"
"Yeah." I say and watch as she runs for her flash drive.
"Can you upload Hurricane for me really quick?"
I do as she asks and she loads it in her computer. "Now, set the sounds on all the volume levels and up the treble."
I follow as we all do because this is her thing not mine. Once I do as she asks she asks Jen to sign for her again.
"I am going to put the recorded version on in a way I think you will be able to hear it and your dad will sign it for you." She looks at me then as Jen signs to him. "You know all the words, right?"
I nod and watch as Axe lights up and runs to Shame.
'I will drum with you ok?'
'You got it. Let's do this my man.'
The song starts again with the treble high and though it sounds like shit to us, it makes it easy for Axe to hear more of the song. I start signing the lyrics to him and see him follow my hands as he takes in the words. Though he is still too young to understand the depth or meaning, for one split second he was free of his hearing disorder.
Once the drums came in, he followed my hands as Shame sat him on his knees for the bass and used his hands for the toms and symbols.
I had never in my life seen him this happy. Not ever and I felt like a King.
He looks at us when it goes silent for a few seconds until the piano comes through and I watch him try his best to focus to hear the sound. All too soon though Shame had him beating the shit out of the air drums and I loved his giggle.
I stopped signing when Shame had him all over the place in dramatic Rockstar fashion at the hardest hitting part. This was awesome and I look to Lex thankful she knew how to enhance the sound for him.
By the end of the song Shame was tossing Axe in the air making him laugh and signing what a badass he was, pissing Jen off for signing a swearword. I looked to Lex, in awe.
"Thank you, holy shit I have never seen him smile like that, seeing him understand the words. I wish I had thought to sign but I am always using my hands."
I hug her and she laughs. "Well now you know. I love that I could give you something for all the hard work and help you have given me Calvin."
"Thank you so much Lexington." Jen says and wipes her tears. When we are mom and dad we are so strong.
"Come here momma." I say, pulling her close and kiss the top of her head. "That was bad ass, right?"
She nods. "Can we chat for a few minutes alone?" She asks as the room starts to empty slowly.
Of course." I say and tell everyone to give us a minute.
"Hey, so what’s up?" I ask after I get Ral to get Axe in bed for the night and made everyone go upstairs and let us chat a bit.
"I want to know why you’re doing this? Is it really about the music or you digging the knife deeper?"
I swear to God I heard the brakes on my brain at that. Hand to the good Lord, I didn’t expect another fight.
"Are you kidding me Jenny?" I fall back against the seat and rock back and forth, my head staring at the ceiling.
Fuck I need some dignity, I really do.
I sit forward and look at her, tired of this whole thing. Tired to the point I might have no choice but to let her go so I can salvage my pride. "It is one-hundred percent the music. I can hear it in my head Jen. I can’t explain it to you, or Chad or anyone not even Lex. It is how I have always composed."
"And the fact she is a knockout redhead? Is that just the ugly bonus for me?"
Once again, I hear the brakes screech in my head. "This is about Lex?"
She looks ashamed and I hate that I made her think I was trying to get with Lex. "You said you would forget me once you had your fill of redheads."
Jesus, that damn comment is going to haunt me forever. "Jen, first off that was a bold threat I made knowing there is only one red head that could do it for me. That, is you." I stand from the chair and go to her and as she fights my arms going around her in a simple hug. Finally, she lets me touch her and I hold her. I rest her head against my chest and rub her back, knowing she is in tears, silent but wet against my shirt.
Such pride my Red. Hates her tears and I have made her cry too much today.
"I'm sorry I keep fighting you Cal." She sobs and buries her face deeper into my chest, her hands going to her face to protect her weakness from me.
"Jen, I made you this way. My treatment of you has damaged your trust in me, maybe forever."
She shakes her head no. "No, I am hiding from you for my own reasons." She pulls back and looks at me, her green eyes rimmed in red with black tears from her mascara. "I need to tell you, I know I do."
She takes a deep breath and I am scared that she will tell me some awful secret about our son. "Tell me." I say and leave my tone calm, dead almost. I know, I fucking know that this is where the other shoe falls.
I sit back down in the chair and leave her standing. I need her to feel in control for this. "Tell me Red."
She covers her eyes with her hands, trying to clear them of tears and making a mess of her face in the process. I would laugh or say something normally, but her sadness and fear has me nervous and I know it is bad.
"The, um... the day I dropped Axe off at your parents?" She looks at me, hiccupping on a sob. I nod, that yes duh of course I recall that day with a disturbing clarity.
"Well..." She chokes and coughs and her hands tremble as she fights her fear.
"Jen, you’re making it worse by freaking out. Just tell me." I don’t raise my voice or show my frustration... I just want to know why she hasn’t let me in and whatever it is, is because of that day and that terrifies me.
"I had gone to a party, Axe was with me and I was looking for a quick fix and didn’t have money..."
She trails off and looks anywhere but at me and my blood runs cold. "And?" Now I speak with the harshness I feel. Simply, no way this isn’t going to end well.
"I followed four guys into the room to make the deal." She is crying again and slamming her eyes shut as if blocking the memory of something too awful.
"Did they hurt Axe, Jen? Do you know if you could spot them in a line-up?" I am standing now, pacing thinking of my precious son and the array of horrifying shit that he could have experienced. This shit, fucks with me harder knowing Jen exposed him to it, even for the briefest seconds.
I am trying to calm my mind. She paid her dues, she did the right thing. Axe and Jen are both healthier now than ever before... But nothing seems to comfort me for the lack of the 'what' that took place.
"No, Axe was not touched or harmed, God no. Even at my lowest point Cal, I would crucify any son of a bitch that thought to touch a hair on his head."
She is no longer crying, like the thought of any harm to him was so repulsive we both found our grounding through the fear.
But, within seconds I fear where this story is going. No money? Quick hit? Party...four men? Oh my god it hits me before she says a word, hits me square in the nuts. She was hurt?
"What happened with the four men Jen?" I ask and I fall into the seat, unable to stand...losing my grounding again.
"Look, I can’t give you the details because it is an awful reminder of how desperate I was to forget my shitty existence that I would put myself, and our son in a position like that."
"Jen..." I can’t speak. I think she was raped or at the least beat up. Either of those things are far too big a price for her sins.
I lean forward and pull her to me by the back pocket of her jeans. "Jen..." I say and feel my tears spill over at the wreckage. There is no shame for them here though. The mother of my son was hurt beyond repair and I wanted to comfort her.
She fell to her knees before me and began crying. "Don’t cry Cal. I deserved it, every second of it."
"Did they rape you?" My voice cracks under the weight of the emotion.
She nods yes, confirming the worst news and my heart breaks for her.
"All of them?" I ask feeling the bile rising in my throat, to the point I am scared I will vomit. I take a deep breath trying to calm my rush of anger and sorrow. Not at her, no. There is no excuse, none on this fucking planet to rape or beat women or children. That sort of punishment is only for the one raping and may they get a full does behind bars.
Fuck this I was pissed.
"They beat me up, threatened to hurt Axe if I didn’t stop fighting. I felt so disgusting pushing my limits that far and endangering him. I just lie still and let them hurt me, to no end." She looks at me and more tears spill over. "I deserved every minute of it and I asked God to save Axe so I could give him to you for the life he deserved. I wanted for Tay to be what I couldn’t and now she failed him too. I am never going to be the mother he needs because I will always be the mother who took him into that filthy room at that party. This was deserved punishment."
I grab my phone and text Noah asking for whiskey stat, but don’t hit send just yet. I want to protect her in this and it is possible Noah doesn’t know about this, not likely but still possible. If he doesn’t know he sure as shit can leave the whiskey at the door. "Does Noah know?" I ask as she looks at me confused with my phone in hand.
She nods and cries even harder. I hit send and pull her into my lap and rock her courtesy of the swivel chair. "He has known since we became friends, I trust him to know this ugliness I carry and not hate or blame me."
"Firefly, I don’t hate or blame you. I am so glad that you haven’t been hiding this inside from everyone. I could never find words to tell him thank you for loving you when I refused."
She looks at me, her brows drawn. "Firefly?"
A tap on the door alerts me to Noah and the much-needed harshness of the whiskey. Jen goes to stand, but I hold her there. "Yeah." I yell and turn her face to mine as Noah walks in with the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue label. "I asked him to bring us whiskey." I look at him and smile. "Scotch sounds better though."
He hands me the bottle noticing the tears in my eyes and looks at Jen. "You did it?" He asks and she falls apart again in my arms, a mess of tears.
"Yeah she did." I say kissing her on top of the head trying to soothe her. I can’t hide the emotion even if I wanted to. I hurt for her, with her and want so bad to take it all away.
"Allow me." Noah says, pouring two glasses for us, Jen's containing much more than mine. "That’s why I brought the Blue." He says to me before squatting down to look at Jen. "I told you babes. He is much stronger than he knows." He tips her chin to meet his eyes. "Not your fault."
He kisses her on the forehead and cups my shoulder before he leaves the room.
We sit in silence, her on my lap for endless minutes. She will cry and then stop, catch her breath, then some image or thought breaks the peace and she falls apart again. It is agonizing knowing the one you know is meant for you cannot be reached at the moment. I think of Noah and Carrie and how trust me had kept them safe and sane. I wished like hell I was that suave to know how to fix her.
"Why did you call me firefly?" She asks and I jump a little at the silence being broken. The Scotch seems to have calmed her down.
I run my fingers through her hair, feeling the silky-smooth strands that she straightened today. "Your hair." I say, breathing in the clean perfume in it. Love the smell of her.
"I like it." She says and takes a shuttering breath.
"I have always called you it, just not out loud. In junior high I don’t think it really made sense to me. In high school I was too scared of looking like a whipped nutless bastard like Shame was." I laugh as she sits back and looks up at me with a smile. "After that it was just something I would think of you with."
I take her hand into mine and weave our fingers together, holding them up for her to see. My tattooed hands in her pale unmarred hands. "Like this, it just fit I guess."
"I love that." She says as she takes a sip from her almost empty scotch, the ice clinking the glass from her trembling hands. I want so bad to remove any doubt in her that this was her fault, that she actually believes she paid her dues with her body.
I have been with her so many times, so many. I have watched her with my friends, or shared her with them like the deviant sociopaths we all were back then. It makes sense she takes the blame, sex meant nothing to her back then. Just the life she led. The blinding difference though is she didn’t deserve the violence or the unwelcomed intrusion.
I think of the last time we fucked, how she offered herself to me in pure trust and I feel the pit in my stomach bottom out. "I need to ask you something."
She sighs, drinks the rest of her drink and looks at me. "Okay."
"That night... Christmas after Tay left me. Was that okay? Did I hurt or scare you?" We fucked all night that night, but it was only gentle at the beginning of the first round. It was a god damned debauchery by the time we were both spent. I beat off to the images that night, my fingers in her ass, my tongue in her pussy, the way I railed her over and over.
Now, the glasses are off and everything is clear...no wonder she won’t trust me.
She stands from my lap even though I try to keep her near. She turns and straddles me over the chair. "The night that started a little like this?" She asks and runs her fingers along the side of my beard and over the top of my right ear.
I pull her into me, unable to not be turned on, though I am not ravenous or horney by any guys standards after the night we have had. But this is Jen, my firefly, my dream in the flesh straddling me.
Come on!
"That night, yes."
"That night was more than okay. It was perfect. It was the morning after that sucked."
"Hey!" I say and pull her face to mine. "I haven’t touched Tayla since the day I found out she cheated. Not once. If she ever made you think that by going to the studio to fight. I chose the studio because I am a hateful prick that only now can I attempt being cordial. I needed to protect Axe from hearing it all, or in his case seeing it."
"How did you know I felt like that?" She asks, cupping my face to. Fuck I am a bastard. I want to kiss her.
"Because I know you, better than you think. When you confirmed that when we fought at your place, I knew I was right."
She slides her nails lightly over my beard and I am trying so hard not to rock against her because I am hard as fuck. "I was with fangirls though. When we finished the tour, and did the press tour I fucked a plenty, but the minute I came home to you my dick has been on lockdown." I punch up against her, the heat of her killing my restraint. I need to feel her.
"I have only been with you since that awful night." She says and rocks against me until our mouths touch and I crack under the pressure. My hands go into her hair as I palm the back of her head, pulling her closer, my tongue going deeper. Every part of me like a damn demon hell bent on getting her soul.
She pulled back to soon, but her grinding on me didn’t stop as fast. "You asked me that night to fix you..."
I nod and kiss behind her ear, placing my hands on her hips to pull her against me.
"Did it help?" She shivers as she says it and I chuckle.
"Yes. More than you could ever know. The days following were sucky though."
She slaps me lightly on the shoulder. "Don’t copy me."
I pull back and look at her, stop teasing her so that she knows even though I want her that I can stop and give her my attention.
"That night... it saved me from being the cynical sack of shit I was turning into. The minute I touched you, that you let me touch you..." I shake my head to clear the fog of emotions this shit erupts in me. "It proved to me that Tayla wasn’t my life. She and I fell apart months before that and I was clinging to the love we once had not the reality that it was dying. With you, the fire was always there, spanning a damn decade and more. Even when I swore I hated you, under it all I wanted you. It was easy to fight it at first, but as everything changed and we both became better parents, Tay left... I couldn’t fight it anymore. You were there picking up my mess all while working and taking care of Axe. You shouldered everything for me so I could lick my wounds." I kiss her sweet and feather soft on her lips. "There was no denying it after that."
"Caly..." she says and hearing her call me that has my cock seriously pissed off by my refusal to fuck right now.
"That is exactly why you could never deserve to be so brutally raped and destroyed. You’re good Red. You’re so very good."
Jen
I was blown away by his response to why I fight him. I was terrified he would never forgive me and losing him for good was too much to bear. I wanted nothing more right now to be fixed, just as I did for him. For the first time in this thing with Cal though, I didn’t know how to ask him to sandblast everything ugly away and fix me.
"I want so bad to believe that Cal."
His hands trace circles on my back and my hip and though he isn’t trying to get a quick ride in, I feel him hard beneath me and I can’t stop from rolling my hips.
"How can I make you believe it Red?" He asks and I feel him tense, so tense by my touch.
I use all the carnal knowledge between us and ask him the same thing he asked me once and hope he knows the answer. "Fix me?"
He watches me closely waiting for me to reject him as I have so many times in the last eighteen months. "Fix me Cal."
I fall into his lips and grind against him, but he pushes me back and cups my face in his hands. "I can’t just fuck you Jen. We are so past it and I have no desire to be all about sex. I need it all from you, sleep with me tonight and see me and Axe in the morning. Miss me as much as I will miss you when you’re at work or I am. I will protect you from anything shitty, but you got to choose all of me too."
"The rest we hash out later?" I ask knowing it was his promise, his pledge to make me choose a few weeks ago in the fight at my place.
"Yep."
"Okay."
Apparently, that was all he needed to hear as he stood, lifting me with him and setting me on my feet in front of him. His mouth was on mine, seeking everything I ever wanted to give him as he works my jeans and panties down my legs. He slaps my ass cheek lightly. "Step out."
I do and reach for him but he brushes my hands away. "I am worshiping every inch tonight Jen. I have been jacking off to this moment for damn near two years. I need to relish and binge on you."
He turns me until I am on the chair and watch, elated as he spreads my legs wide over the arms of the chair. My pussy is spread and on display before him. "Fuck, you’re glistening Firefly." He slips a finger along my slit and I know I am wet, almost too wet. His head falls between my legs and he start licking me, fast and urgent on my clit.
"Holy shit you are so good at that Caly."
He pulls back, his lips wet from the pleasure and I love seeing myself on his lips and beard. "I ever tell you that eating you out has and will always be my favorite part of our history. I loved feasting on you all night, could have happily slept between these thighs and my mouth buried in your pussy. I fucking love it Jen, fucking so good."
His words and the way he touched me as he spoke them had me molten hot and so ready to release. He was back at my clit and going strong and hard. "Need me to fuck this pretty cunt with my fingers?" He asks and slips his fingers up and down my slit.
My fingers are in his hair and I am writhing on the chair desperate to cum. "Yes, please yes and lick my clit some more Caly. Make me cum harder than ever before.
"Wanna gush for me Red?" Holy shit he is one lewd mother fucker, how twisted that I love it. There is no fear here, not with us. We have already tipped the scale on freaky kink.
"Yes, I want to drench you." I say and I mean it. We are beyond dirty and there is this decadence in it all that makes it okay and comforts us both.
I feel the pillow he grabbed from the studio couch as he slipped it under my hips. "Lean back Red. Enjoy." He says and I feel two fingers curl inside me and his palm right above my pubic bone when he starts a rapid fire inside me, hitting everything amazing inside of me.
"Oh, Jen yes, your cunt is tightening. You ready Red?" He asks and his lips starts a soft sucking on my clit that made me explode immediately. My screams echoed in the studio, the sound cut off from everyone upstairs and I rock my hips against his mouth and hand; my soaked pussy pulsing as I ride out the most insane shit I have ever felt.
"Such an easy pussy to please." He says and stands from between my legs. He uses his free hand to undo his jeans while he licks his wet hand clean. "I am gonna fuck you now and it will be insanely fast, but I swear to God I will get you in bed once I get the misfits out and can really play with you."
I try to adjust my position in the chair right as his cock is pulled free and right in front of me. He is red and hard and so big, I can’t breathe for the first few seconds when he is inside of me.
"You okay? Wanna move to the couch?" He asks, both hands resting on the chair legs.
"No, right here, you'll get so deep." I say and arch, waiting for him to fuck me reckless.
He drops to his knees, his pants not even pulled down. He lifts my legs to his shoulders. "You on the pill?"
I shake my head yes and like lightening he enters me, every inch in a smooth slide. "Thank fuck. I am cumming in you Jen, so fucking hard."
He starts thrusting, slow and I need more, harder.
"Faster Caly." I say and lift my hips hoping for more.
"I will cum in three seconds if I fuck you like you need Red."
I arch at his words. "I love how you come inside me though. I get so wet and soft and slippery. I need it Caly." I say knowing it would set him off.
"Fuck!" He yells as he explodes.
He falls on my chest, my legs are spread and I have become weightless, neither of us moving for at least ten minutes.
I run my fingers over his back and yell when I see Chad and Shame walk in.
Cal lifted up further covering me before looking at them over his shoulder and I know they have to see the bright red neon light radiating from my embarrassment. "What? This aint’ a show. Go away I'll be up in a minute." He says and smiles turning to look at me, trying his best to keep me covered.
"Um, its Axe he is awake and crying. Carrie and Cass are trying to calm him but he wants you guys, keeps signing mom and dad."
Cal took his shirt off and threw it to me as he jumped from between my legs as I used it to cover myself. "Coming." He said and did his pants up as he rushed from the room.
"Again, it appears." Chad says and he and Shame follow him laughing.
"Proud of it, so chew on that."
They all laugh and I follow close behind, my pants on backwards. I decide to fuck with them and shut them up. "He chewed on me endlessly." I said as all three stopped and I gave Cal a kiss on the cheek before we took the last few steps.
"You guys can chew on that too." Cal says and laughs as we go to our boy.