Chapter Fifteen
Cal
Noah told me they were surprising her today and though I wanted to be there I understood the initiation in their shop so I stayed back and kept working. The last few weeks had been spent slowly leaking the collaboration between Lex and I, as well as getting a solid five song set to play live.
Currently we were focused on the one song I worked the most on, both lyrically and composition and once Noah was back it was time to play it through and perfect it.
Shows are as much about good music as they are a big production and this song was the finale. We rented a piano and orchestral drum set for this track and I asked the guys to get involved on this one track.
I needed the power that her beats bring, but the show and the song need their presence. My boys are the baddest out there and were all on board to help, with the support and permission from the wives. I sent them the sheet music a few days ago and now we were playing it and I was nervous and anxious and dreading it as much as I love it.
We have been getting Shame and Chad to work in sync for hours and I am stressing waiting on Noah to get back and guide the God Damned Bass!
"Stop, for fucks sake stop." I say and scrub my face as I stand from the piano again. "It’s too strong, like you play it fine but I cannot pinpoint the sound. Can we wait on Noah?" I say, at my wits end trying to get this shit to give me what I want is like trying to get a damn elephant to shit a brass trumpet.
Not happening.
"What's the problem?" Noah says as he bounds down the steps of his now, semi sound proofed basement. I had to pad the walls because the echo was so bad. It’s a lot better now, but I am in no mood to dick around anymore and need the help.
"The bass..." I say and wave my hand to start from my hook on the first verse. The minute he hits the bass Noah shakes his head no and goes to the guitar to readjust the sound...to no fucking avail.
"Fuck this, maybe it needs to be electronic. I need classical instruments, a double bass or cello or something. Basic bass isn’t cutting it."
We all look around, search our phones and pray because it’s not there. Fuck me, I hear it but I can’t produce it. "This shit won’t work without it." I say and I am two seconds from searching Craig’s list for someone to play this shit when Chad blows us away.
"Okay, so look..." He says, red faced and grabs his phone and calls Carrie.
What the fuck?
"Dude, can Carrie play a standing bass?" I ask Noah. I am exhausted and stressed and obviously not catching the drift here.
"Thanks babe, see you soon." He says and hangs up. Shame and Noah look like they will die of laughter and Chad looks like he will kill them.
What did I miss?
"What?" I ask and can’t help but smile for whatever is happening.
"Chad can play that bass." Shame says, rolling with laughter and Noah starts in.
"He is classically trained in double bass."
I do not find this funny. This shit is a Godsend.
"Are you serious?" I ask and cannot contain my excitement.
He nods and flips Shame off, who is in hysterics at the drum kit.
"Please tell me Harvey has pictures?" He says, laughing harder and Noah and I join in.
"Like, Harvey paid for you to get snob classes?" Noah laughs.
"I am crushed that you aren’t a true ride or die rocker." I say and now we all have jokes and can’t stop as Chad just glares.
When Carrie showed up with the enormous monster that Bright had to help her carry, we all fucking died.
"Oh fuck..." Shame says and busts up laughing, falling from his stool. I see Chad looking two seconds from beating him bloody and try to get my bearings.
"Okay, enough. We need this shit so let’s all be adults." I say, still laughing as the double before him is as big as he is.
Another fit of laughter as he tunes it and I don’t know if I can watch this. Chad Blake is a Rock God, the man women masturbate too. Seeing him sit pretty with a double bass is impossible to describe.
I try and focus on the fact he is saving my ass here, and the thought sobers me up. "Look, enough. Honestly this is a Godsend man. Tune it or whatever and let’s try it with that big ass bass."
Cal
I was early for my tattoo and was waiting on Noah and Jen to show up. I was surprising her with the firefly tattoo I was getting today, next to a cricket for the kid and showing her tomorrow after the show. My phone buzzed in my pocket as I chatted with Sully and Asa.
Tayla: I need to see you. It's important. Are you home?
I roll my eyes knowing damn well she wants to sink her dagger teeth into this thing with Lex.
Me: No, I am getting tattooed. Whatever is going on you can tell me via text.
I had no desire to get into it with her here, or anywhere for that matter. She is too thirsty for the act and I refuse to give even a centimeter more that I am legally required to on my contract with Coven.
Tayla: I am close, I will come there.
Before I can respond and tell her no, Noah calls me. "Hey what’s up? Where you at?" I ask and step into the side hall that leads to the back door and the restrooms.
"Hey we are in Federal Way in traffic but we will be there soon. Tell Sam to show you what I drew up. It's in the manila folder on my table." He says and bitches about the traffic when he drops the call.
I make my way into his booth and find the folder and look at the art he drew for me and his art is hard to explain. My body is covered in his work, my arms sleeved with the old mic and guitars with banners of lyrics. The work he has added and the ode to my band are remarkable, and this piece will be no exception.
"Cal?" Sully asks with trepidation in his voice.
"What’s up man." I say and show him the work, but he seems uncomfortable. "Noah called and told me to check the work out before he lays it." I defend, thinking maybe he is pissed I came in here without staff or some shit, though it’s a stretch with as close we are.
"Hey, no its cool you being in here my man, just...uh..." He looks over his shoulder and I see Tay walking toward us and want to kick my own ass for getting distracted.
I sigh and nod looking at Sully. "It's fine man." I say just as Tayla, a blubbering crying mess walks in the booth and falls into my arms hysterically crying.
"What the fuck?" I say, and yes, I try to comfort her because something obviously awful happened and I worry for her. It was in this moment that I realize it isn’t all contempt and betrayal I have for her. I pull her back gently, my hands on her shoulders as I try to see her face. "What's up Tay? Calm down." I fear for her mom or her sister's health based on the tears. "Is everyone okay?"
She nods and cries harder. "I don’t know why I came here, it’s inappropriate..." She says and sits on the bed Noah has in the booth.
I sit beside her, not really sure why she is here. "So, talk to me and we can figure it out." I say and I honestly don’t know what to say because I have only ever seen her react in such anguish when someone was dead or dying. Not even that Thanksgiving was she this upset.
"Robert and I broke up." She says and starts wailing again and I swear to God... No, I won’t say it or think it because it’s too harsh. She is right, it is inappropriate to be here crying to me about his ass.
"Yeah, this is out of line. I get your upset but I am not the shoulder to cry on here Tay." I scrub my hands over my face and kick the stool I was sitting in. "Do you get how fucking shitty this is?"
The nerve of her running to me only pisses me off. I see her, here sad and crying desperate for comfort and I only want Jen. I see it now and though I felt Jen was it for me, I know it now.
"I know, I know I am hurting you-"
I cut her off with a cruel laugh. "I’m not hurt Tayla. I am happy and in love actually." I motion between us when she looks at me with shock. "We are done Tayla and have been for some time, to the point I was going to reach out and talk to you about divesting any rights to Axe. That’s how not hurt I am."
Her thinking I give to shits and still pine for her makes it impossible to not feel the rush of anger of who she has become. "You’re in love?" She says on a choked sob and starts crying again.
I try to be as gentle as I can here. I don’t want to hurt her, I won already. I know it wasn’t a competition but after everything played itself out and came full circle. I won.
"Yeah, Tay. I am in love."
She takes a shaky breath and looks at me with a sad smile, her eyes are red and free of makeup and her cheeks are blotchy with pink spots. "I’m glad." She says on another shaky breath. "I was scared I ruined you."
I nod in agreement. "Me too, turns out broken and ruined are two different things."
She nods in agreement or acknowledgement, I’m not sure. I just know for once, there’s a peace between us instead of tension and pain.
"Think we will ever be able to talk and be friends?" She asks and still with the stuttering sighs from crying, but she is calming down.
I shrug and sit beside her, placing a friendly arm around her. "I don’t know. There’s a lot of bad shit between us that we allowed to stay buried there. I have to think of Axe in it all...and her feelings in it too."
"Do I know her?" She asks me and I don’t keep Jen out of this for Tayla's sake, but because she deserves to be the first person to hear it out loud. One thing to admit I am in love, different to tell the ex and now the one I love.
I nod and as she goes to ask I put my hand up. "I am waiting until tomorrow after the show to tell her so I am not saying anything until then." I say and she seems to accept the answer. I feel like I need to break the tension and ask about her and why she needed to see me. Talking about my love life with the woman who tried killing me with ours was too strange.
"What did you need from me?" I ask and we both cringe at how shitty it sounded. "I just meant to change the subject." I explain.
She sighs and looks at me, an uncomfortable touch as she cups my bearded cheek in her hand. "You grew it back, it fits you." She says off handedly and drops her hand. "I have no friends Cal. None. I have industry reps that I associate with, but when I chose Robert I lost everyone."
I always suspected that the girls picked sides after Christmas the year she went to Noah's with Robert Black, but now it is confirmed. "I'm sorry Tayla." I say and I mean it. I never wanted everyone to choose, but even that isn’t true. I knew they would choose. "I hate that this had to happen. Everyone was hurt in this."
She nods. "I know..." She looks at me with sadness and maybe even a little regret, though I get the regret in this moment I know our regrets are completely different.
"Cal, I should have told you. I never should have gone behind your back. Sam was right that night, any chance I had in having any dignity was long gone in how I confronted it."
I laugh without humor. "Confronted it? You didn’t confront shit. You blamed everyone else after you were busted." I try to keep my tone low and from causing a scene. If she was thinking we were going to hash it out and have this fight here, she was wrong.
"I know, but after everything is said and done, for what it’s worth I was wrong and admit it was a mistake." She looks at me through her lashes and I feel a shot of pain, maybe I always will with the looks she gives me. But I won’t let it affect me. I suffered far more than any man should to open Jenny to me, I was not going to lose my Red.
"We didn’t though Tay. We had a lot of shit that last year we were together and fought more than anything else. There is no going back or reconnecting it. I need us to remain civil and that is that. We are in the same industry, we will always be in one another’s faces regardless, but that is all."
"I don’t see it that way." She scoots closer to me and my heart is beating fast. Not from nervous hope, but nervous anger.
"Stop." I say and stand. "You need to leave. I am going to send you the papers to divest any rights to Axe. We never married, it was I who told the judge you would be his mother. Any rights though few, I need divested. You come in here and tell me that you have regrets and made the wrong choice." I cup my hands over my face trying to calm my voice. "You failed us both, betrayed us both and any regrets you have are for you to reconcile. Alone."
"So, what? Because you told me to leave, refused to fight for us-"
"What the actual fuck are you thinking? Fight for you?" I yell, all calmness now gone. "I did fight, I put everything into us. I never went a day without you knowing how much you meant to me. I repeatedly told you that I was where I wanted to be. You did it, you broke it and there was never a chance I would fight for you after that. Never!"
I yell and she jumps from the table and into me, grabbing me and kissing me, begging me to keep her. "Let me show you Cal..." She was fighting my hands as I pushed her back from me.
"Stop, or I will make a scene." I demand.
She ignores my threat and grabs my face. "Stop telling me you don’t want me Cal." She tries to kiss me, gets her lips on mine as I am ready to push her back, when everything went to shit in a really bad way.
Jen
I follow Noah into the PIT as he bitches the whole way in after the traffic nightmare. He parked the new baby, the Cuda and dashed down the stairs and into the PIT. I got in there shortly after him after texting Carrie I would be to get Axe shortly.
I had left my Escalade at the PIT last night and had asked Noah to take me in because Cal was busy with getting everything ready for the show tomorrow. I pause though when I see the Lambo and what looks like Tayla's car.
I know damn well the Lambo is his, but the Range Rover Tayla drives, could be anyone’s. I try not to think the worst, but I am prepared for whatever play she is trying to make on him and Lex right now.
I only saw him for a few minutes this morning, not nearly enough time because he had an interview at the Complex which they booked for the show tomorrow.
I feel the butterflies invade my stomach when I recall how he touched me this morning and the fast and seriously intense quickie we had in the shower. I always wanted Cal, but the way I craved his touch now was borderline crazy.
What I see when I walk in the PIT though stops me when I hear yelling I can’t make out, then begging?
I storm toward the sound and see Noah yell to me seconds before I walk in...and look at the crushing sight before me.
Tayla has Cal's face in her hands, his are on her shoulders as she kisses him. His eyes are open and he sees me, shoving her back with too much force as she stumbles onto Noah's table.
"Where is Noah?" I ask, my voice calm-dead almost.
He called for me, but I don’t think he knows what I know. Not yet anyway.
"This, I can explain." Cal says, he is breathing hard like he is winded from reconnecting with the ex? It wasn’t hard to imagine, but I still struggled with what was happening in front of my face. I believed him.
"No..." I say and take a step back and feel the crushing blow of the truth.
"Jen, this is not-"
I cut him off, pain evident in every feature. “I can’t do this with you.” I have tried so hard, I know I have, but seeing him with her, kissing her? This is the one place I feel the safest and that leaves me with nothing to explain.
“This is not what you think Jen.” Cal says and comes after me. I am trying to get out of here and my keys are missing, and I can’t find Sully, Noah or Asa. I try to make my way to the roof because it is most likely where they are.
“I’m going to go…” Tayla says from behind me and my blood runs cold.
“Why are you even here?” I ask and stop, knowing it gives Cal the edge to get me close again, and I can’t walk away if he so much as makes eye contact.
“She’s going through a hard time…” Cal answers for her when she doesn’t answer me. I feel his fingers skim my hand and his touch tempts me to forget what I saw.
I look at him and the pain I feel by those words is evident in my stare and everything shatters including my restraint. “Then she needs to go to Black!” I scream and they both flinch. I look at Tayla. “He isn’t yours anymore!” I scream again and yank my hand from Cal’s.
“Well, neither is Black.” Tay says and her lip quivers as she says it and I want to slap her.
“How is that his problem?” I ask but honestly? I don’t care anymore. “Know what? You stay, I will leave.”
“Jen?” Cal yells for me, but I booked it out the back door. “Jenny?” He yells again, and I know he is chasing me, but I cannot let him see me hurt. I have never let him see what loving him, being neglected by him, has done to me. I won’t start now.
“What the fuck pet?” Sully asks and stops me from running, even though I am fighting to get out of his arms. Cal and Noah and Tay all have their people, but I have mine and they are here with me now.
“I g-g-g-gotta g-g-go.” I sob and fear that door opening on me and him seeing what it all has done to me. I am safe with these guys seeing my heart exposed and bleeding, but he can’t… he just can’t.
But, that door flew open before I could get away and shame, like a tsunami came over me as I tried to hide my pain from him. Sully pushed me aside until I was in Asa’s arms. I feel his hand on the back of my head, shielding me as best he can from Cal. “Oh, whatever you did to cause this is reason enough for you to run from me pretty boy! I am two seconds away from breaking your million-dollar fingers.”
Asa wasn’t kidding either. I might be the black mark that smudges the TAT world, but these guys saw me, knew me and never judged me.
“Asa, get her out of here.” Sully says, and I feel Asa nod as he pulls me to my Escalade.
“You, stay right the fuck here Cal.” Sully’s voice cut off immediately when Asa closed the door and I didn’t dare look out the window.
“Take me to Noah's.” I say and keep my head down until I know we are a good mile away. And I fall apart.
Cal
“You know damn well I am not a threat to Jen.” I say to Sam, though it is clear he is on her side right now. I get it, I get her fear and why she is upset. Shit had to look bad, but I can make it right.
“Then let her go and calm down. No harm no foul.” He shrugs his shoulders like what just went down was no big deal. It’s a big fuckin deal.
I feel the ebb of fear creep in and I feel like there’s this huge weight on my chest and if I don’t fix this shit now, it will fester and infect every good thing in my life right now. “She saw Tay kiss me.” I say and wait for him to flip out on me or break my jaw or some shit.
“So?” He says and takes a drag of his smoke, letting me go as he leans against the door.
I pause with the lack of concern, confused by it. “What do you mean so?”
“Why would she care? I know she wants you happy and to either get over it and move on or forgive her and move forward.”
“Did she say that?” I ask and look to Sully, needing to confirm what I already know. She has kept this thing between us a secret.
“In not so many words.” He kicks off the wall and comes close, looking me over and I see this… for lack of a better term, a light goes off. “Hoe-lee she-yit!”
He is staring at me, like he just figured out the truth of a secret that’s been eating him alive. “You're in love with her.” He doesn’t ask, he says it so matter of fact and I am confused.
I shake my head no and look up to the sky… for who knows what. I can’t even process why this shit is always so damn dramatic. I always figured if I fell for a girl, she would want me back and that was that. Sure, as shit wasn’t the case though.
The summer after high school I dated Jenna, didn’t put up a fight the minute it ended and she left for college. It wasn’t a romance I would look back on and reminisce about, we just went on with life. No sorrow, no destruction.
Tay was a tornado on my life and tried her best to destroy me. I am sure I would suffer injuries from the damage she caused for the rest of my life. How it ended caused major sorrow, major destruction.
Now I am here again only it is Jenny. Our history surpasses Jenna and Tay combined and I am still confused as ever. Only now that confusion is joined by pure true fear, that she will run far away from me.
“I can’t answer that Sull. I have never been here Sam. Not even with Tay. This whole thing is tricky and the shit that plagues my mind over her is the shit I keep letting get in the way.”
“Like what?” He asks and I know he won’t run off and gossip. That isn’t why I am uncomfortable talking about it. “Dude, I am far more understanding of a guy’s fuck ups than you’ll ever know.”
“The only thing fucking my game up is my head.” I look to him and motion to his cigarette. He hands me one and I light it, inhaling the Turkish tobacco like a lifeline. “The past, all the shit in our past twists inside me like a fucking poisonous vine and that vine has thorns that shred me, but I got passed it all. Now my fucking past comes to ruin it all."
He looks at me like I might be crazy. No might, its officially happened and I have lost my shit. So much that I don’t notice Tayla coming out the back. "Cal?" She says and I swear to God, I am the last person she should be around.
Sam must catch the tension and steps back until he is beside Tayla and it sets me off. "Why? Why every time I get pissed does everyone step close to a female like I might hit them or some shit?" I yell and take a purposeful five steps back. "There! Can I fucking talk now?"
"Cal, I know you aren’t hitting anyone, but you never want the shot that anything could escalate."
"You just fucked my life up beyond all belief with that shit you pulled!" I yell and I don’t bother with the fight or the argument anymore.
I need to find my firefly.
Cal
I pull up to Noah and Bright’s looking for Jen. If she went anywhere other than home this is the place. Noah and I are in a better place these days, better than ever before. Jen could influence that though.
She and Noah were the very closest of friends and Noah has a hard time taking anyone’s side other than the girl in tears. That girl being Jen... I was so fucked.
Bright yells from inside knowing it was me when I hit the gate that took me to their driveway.
I walk towards the sounds coming from the kitchen to find Noah, Raleigh and Bright all there.
"Hey honey." Raleigh says and gives me a hug. I half expect him to lick my neck or goose me, the fact he doesn’t is telling.
I reach for a chip and dip it in the bowl of lime salsa Noah is always eating and waste no time. "She here?"
"She was..." He says and shuts his laptop looking at me with a bitter smile on his lips. "Winna tell me why you were making out with Tayla?"
I roll my eyes and link my fingers behind my neck, clearly annoyed. "Please dude, not even with your mouth."
He laughs without humor. "You wanted nothing but her not too long ago."
He leaves is words hanging in the air between us and I know what he implies by them. "I don’t think I have ever felt what I feel now Noah, so stop giving me shit."
He quirks his brow at me. "And what’s that?"
I groan, wishing like fuck he would just once not be the overbearing over protective asshole he is naturally and be on my side. "A mixture of raw fury, nausea and fear. All the fucking time."
"Well, that’s par for the course fuckface." He says and I swear to God, I will kill him.
"Anyone else not currently holding the title of Jenny Pope fan club president want to chime in?" I look to Raleigh and Bright for help.
"Oh honey no. Nope. I am like second chair for that seat. I side with sugar daddy on this one." Raleigh, God love him, is twisted and lives beyond the place the rest of us do and gives zero fucks to what he should or shouldn’t say.
I can hold in my laughter when he says it and I know that Noah, though probably annoyed often by Ral's constant pursue of swinging Noah to the all-boys team, he loves the kid and he is family.
All of us. One big dysfunctional family.
"Because you are on my side I won’t go into how fucking annoying you are right now."
Ral laughs him off and looks at me. "Money bags, as daddy like to call her might choose sides." He motions to Bright and both she and Noah bust up laughing at him continuing to call Noah daddy.
"One day he is gonna deck you Ral." I say and take a seat at the bar beside them.
"No way." He shakes his head dramatically. "Daddy Warbucks loves me too much. I am the gay kid he and Bright will never have. They relish me with affection and money like all screwed up, sexually confused kid’s parents do."
I laugh out loud at his words and the way he is so hyper-verbal when he rants. "Only you are twenty-four and not confused in the slightest."
"I will always be confused..." He winks at me twice and starts laughing when Noah slaps the back of his head.
"Bright... Help me out here?"
She turns to look at me, a soft smile on her face that reassures me. "For the record I am team Beckett." She looks at Noah who winks at her making her blush. Not that long ago I never thought I would see him domesticated with a pseudo kid and planning a wedding.
"I think in this though I can be biased. I wasn’t around for you and Tay and all the drama that went down. That history is moot to me because what I know of her is foul. I wasn’t a fan when she hired me for Noah nor was I on that epic Thanksgiving that she completely ruined any image I could have of her."
She comes to Noah's side, pushing Raleigh on his chair to get on Noah’s lap. "I didn’t like her then and I don’t like her now. I just respect everyone’s continued involvement of friendship with her outside of my two loves here. Jenny on the other hand, was always accommodating and helpful and kind so I would naturally defend her over Tay."
Fuck my life she is on team Pope too. "And me? Where am I in all your thoughts and opinions Bright?"
"I am on team Dorian." Noah and Raleigh both make shocked sighs and Ral even imitates a gag and I pull his hair and he screams like the valley girl he is acting like.
"Look I love and adore Jenny. I trust her implicitly and she is one of my closest friends. But, I know a thing or two about being your worst enemy and you are your worst enemy. I need to know why the hell you would kiss Tay and fall back down into the rabbit hole she threw you in." With far more compassion than I deserve she looks at me softly. "She destroyed you Cal. We all watched idly by as Jenny put you back together piece by piece. So why? Why even let her close enough to hurt you again?"
"I didn’t let her kiss me and sure as shit didn’t kiss her back. Black dumped her and she was looking for me to support her and comfort her when she called. I told her I was at the PIT waiting to get tattooed. While she was hoping I would take her back in, I was ready to divest her rights in Axe."
"Ohmigawd!" Bright squeals while Ral gave an, 'MmmmHmmm." Noah just looked at me, searching for any sign of bullshit.
"I care about her...I chose her." I say and point my stare at Noah. "Feel me...?"
He nods once and looks away. "Yeah, I feel you." He taps Bright’s hips so she will stand and kisses her on the nose before directing me to follow him down the hall.
We stop in front of he and Bright’s room and I see Jen lying asleep on the top of their made bed. I want to be pissed that she was here the whole time, but seeing her exhausted in the only safe place she could find ripped my heart out.
I step in the room and close the door quietly. I scoop her into my arms as she startles awake. I place her face in my hands and kiss her forehead. "I want to explain what you saw if you will let me Jen."
Huge tears spill from her red rimmed and swollen eyes and I can only kiss her softly. "I am so sorry firefly."
Jen
I wake up when Axe is tapping me a million times on my forehead and it is barely light outside. 'What's up son?' I sign not even sure if he could see my hands.
'Daddy?' He asks for Cal and I look around the room, recognizing I am in his bed.
I shrug and look around, seeing it is eight am and realizing the blinds are drawn. Panic sets in wondering how long he has been running around looking for his dad. 'Did you just get up?' I ask and roll from the bed to turn the light on.
He nods yes and takes my phone off the charger to start playing Candy Crush. I press the alert button that makes an awful loud buzz and a green and white light flash in the room. Cal installed these when we learned he was losing his hearing. He didn’t care if it was temporary or permanent, he installed them anyway.
Axe looks up at me annoyed I interrupted his game. 'I am going to make breakfast. No phone until you eat.' I sign and take my phone. He starts throwing a tantrum on the bed and I fold my arms watching, bored by the antics. Once he sees I am not caving he looks at me.
'Why not? I can play and eat.'
"Why is because I said so and no you won’t play and eat because it is poor manners." I sign and speak as he stomps off the bed and walks toward me.
'Manners for who mom?' He signs and I try not to smile at the attitude he throws as he argues looking like a little boy too old for his age.
'Me.' I sign in the same dramatic fashion and pick him up. 'I want a gentleman, not a brat.' I sign, but smile so he knows I am joking.
He folds his arms and digs in to ignore me. I let him, it's a phase and I know that and I refuse to cave into him. He is the son of a millionaire Rockstar. If we allow it he will be raised as an entitled and selfish kid that has everything handed to him. It is something Cal and Tayla wouldn’t allow and something I won’t allow either.
I was raised humble, and I mean humble. There were Christmases I got food and socks and was thankful. I want that same graciousness in Axe for the simple fact that he will always strive for more.
I make him toast and peel a banana and set them in front of him with a juice box and wait for him to tell me thank you.
'Thank you.' He signs, but keeps looking out the window, lost on whatever unfair notion he thinks of me.
I pour my coffee and look at my phone seeing a text from Cal.
Cal: Hey, left at six to get to practice. I know shit is out of control right now and that you hate me, but please come tonight Red. Everything will be clear tonight.
I don’t respond even though I know I am going to support him tonight. I don’t respond because I have nothing to say. Seeing them kissing unhinged something inside of me that left me questioning anything. He loved her, for years and built a life with her. Wanted to marry her. Wanted her to mother our son. It would be a foolish notion to hope he felt nothing.
I have dated and I have cared for other men over our history. I know it's hard to explain those draws when you know you love someone else. I always loved Cal more than any other guy. I fear that what he is to me, is what Tayla is to him. I cannot afford to be an afterthought, or next contestant.
Noah text me then as Axe brings me his plate and throws his napkin away, looking at me like he is waiting for my phone and I don’t know what is up with the attitude. 'Thank you for cleaning up your breakfast.' I sign and read the message.
Noah: Bright wants you to meet at our place before his show. Pregame shit I’m sure.
Me: Ok, I will text when I am on my way.
I look at Axe who is glaring at me. "What's the attitude about Axe Calvin Dorian?" I sign as I speak and see him flinch at the use of the full birth name.
'I can’t go see daddy and Lex play.' He signs and I see fat tears welling in his eyes. I feel bad that I didn’t know he was feeling left out.
"Baby, this show is for adults only. You have to be able to drive a car to get into it." I explain and leave out the twenty-one and over thing because he won’t understand.
'That’s dumb.' He states and stomps his foot as tears fall.
"Dumb is a mean word Axe and you know it." I sign with my voice getting loud from frustration he can’t hear.
'You’re dumb and I like dads shows. I wear ear things that protect me so you’re lying and that makes you dumb.'
Now, I have done the parenting classes and sensitivity therapy for kids with disabilities that are there to help you understand... but he went and pissed me off because this was spoiled brat shit and nothing to do with his hearing being the factor and he knew it.
"Listen here little boy. I am your mom and it is my job to make sure that you are safe, respectful and happy. If I can’t make you happy, I guarantee it is because I am keeping you safe and respectful. Whatever this is, isn’t open for discussion and now you can go to your room." I sign fast as I speak, but I know he got the point of my anger.
He went to interrupt me and I took his hands in mine. "No, do not argue with me. I said go to your room. If you fight me on this you will lose all electronics for the day."
He yanks his hands from me and looks me dead in the eyes. 'So?' He signs, and hand to God... I was more a mother than ever before.
'Okay, that’s done. Want to lose more?' I sign.
He shrugs and smiles a mean smile at me. 'I know you’re lying. I go to his shows a lot.'
"Keep it up and I will call dad and have him come explain it to you." I state firmly and wait for him to call my bluff.
Which he does.
What the hell is up with my normally sweet kiddo?
I keep my cool and shrug same as him and call Cal on facetime. I have no clue how to explain this fit, but so be it if he thinks for one second either of us will cater to the fit.
I prop the phone and sit where he can see me and my hands when he answers. "Hey babe..." He says it cautiously and I could care less about the shit yesterday. Right now, we are mom and dad.
"Your son wants to talk to you." I sign and speak so Axe can see I mean business. Cal knew my tone did and Axe couldn’t care less right now.
"What’s up little man?" He signs and asks, looking between the two of us and see's my frustration and his tears. "Why you crying dude?"
Axe starts signing a mile a minute telling Cal how mean I am and I am floored by the outburst when Cal interrupts him and claps his hands in front of the screen making Axe flinch.
He signs just as fast, half speaking and half signing. It happens sometimes when emotions are high. "Now!" He says sternly without signing, knowing Axe knows he is serious.
Axe storms off up to his room and leaves us to figure out who body snatched our kid.
"What the fuck was that?" Cal asks.
"He woke up upset. He was asking where you were and started the minute I turned the light on." I explain the attitude with my phone and with breakfast before the meltdown.
"He is mad that he can’t come to the show. He thinks this is like the small ones we do on talk shows or radio when I let him tag along. He has only ever watched me play in small venues and so when we spoke of this one as small and intimate he thought we were leaving him out."
I get it, easy enough, but I cannot stand how he spoke to me. "And calling me a liar and dumb?" I ask, mad I think for the first time ever at my son.
"Unacceptable, obviously and he called me the same. I told him he would stay grounded for the day and that he would get another day if he kept it up and didn’t apologize."
"Where did he learn it though?" I ask, mind blown he would say that shit.
"He is a kid. He isn’t immune to things he sees or learns that aren’t positive. The world is imperfect as are the people in it, including Axe. He thinks we are dumb for not letting him come and feels left out. He has been informed its bullshit and that how he is acting isn’t going to be tolerated. Now, let him sweat it out. If he digs his heels in he knows he will be grounded tomorrow. Everything else we can talk to his therapist about Monday."
I sigh but have no idea what to say.
"Firefly, you’re a good mom and did what I would do. Don’t sweat it." He says and I feel it then and there... I trust that he didn’t ask for yesterday.
"Okay, Caly." I say and hear a soft groan and see him close his eyes.
"Look, I gotta get back to work, but I love that Caly shit. I guarantee you'll be screaming it by the time we are home tonight baby."
He drops the call on purpose so I am left to think on that all day. I am glad I called him though. I needed that reassurance as a mother that I was doing the right thing. Even in my strongest moments I question if I am doing right by him... then I think of Cal and what a phenomenal dad he is and know that my partner in this couldn’t have been a better accidental choice.