Chapter Six
Jen
I am listening to Godsmack, 'I stand alone' as I smoke on my patio, pissed off at the best friend I love. I know as does he, that we will get over this. I also know, as does he that what he told me was the truth.
My being upset has everything to do with my failure to take a risk and tell Cal about the rape that led his son to him in my moment of weakness. I have tried so hard for him to see me as the strong Jenny, not the one he knew that was weak and scared with no confidence.
I risk his faith and trust in me with Axe and that I provide stability in our parenting. I risk losing his respect and any chance that he could ever want me again.
Terrified he will hate me.
I know why Noah came down on me, I deserved it because I was lying in an attempt to protect myself. I just never had him talk to me in such a painful truth kind of way.
I can’t keep my mind from fading in to too many memories and all of which are lined with the obvious truth. He never cared for me. None of them did, but I loved them and had believed I was better than a fangirl because they were my friends, since school.
I step onto the bus the minute Sevyn and Drake see me. Cal has strict instructions that I am always allowed on the bus. The minute I see him, my heart flutters and stops because he is and will always be the one thing in this world I need.
Like two magnets he makes his way to me and ignores the guys and the bus full of partiers. Says something to Tayla before reaching me and guiding me to his bus. The minute we are inside he has me pinned to the wall. "Fuck yeah, you are just what I need Jen." He says against my lips and presses his hardening cock into me.
He steps back but keeps his lips on mine as he undoes his belt and jeans. He takes my hand in his and shoves it down his pants until I am gripping him with my palm. He lets out a moan that has me arching back against the wall. "The minute I saw you I went rock hard baby."
I shiver every time he calls me that even though I know he calls all the fangirls that. To me, it is personal.
"Want this dick?" He says and thrusts into my hand. His hands slip under my ass and lift me so I am now wrapped around him.
"Yes." I pant as he grinds my hand around his engorged cock against my pussy.
"Suck my dick baby." He says and steps back until we are both on the bed. I crawl back and take his pants and boxers with me and go down on his cock like he asked.
The minute my mouth touches him, he fists my hair and presses all the way to the back of my throat. "Mmmm fuck yeah. Gag on it." He says and I comply, I always comply. Somewhere in my mind I know he will want me because I know what he needs in bed better than anyone.
Within minutes he is thrusting, hard and deep in my mouth, filling the air with the filthy image of me on his cock. "Fuck yeah, take it, every inch. I want to see tears Jen."
There is no hiding the brutality to which he fucks my throat and what is even more pathetic is I love it. I love how he degrades me. It is all he gives me so I accept it and hope he will one day see my love.
"Oh shit, I’m gonna cum Jen." He places one hand on my head, forcing himself deep. The other he cups my throat. "Every drop baby, let me feel you swallow me.
I do, like a savage for any part of him, I take it all and only pull back when he does. I wipe under my eyes, to free some of the mascara that is now streaked down my cheeks.
He stops me though, and gives me the rarest most vulnerable piece of himself. "Don’t... I love seeing those black tears and remembering how you got them." He sits up and pulls my mouth to his and lays me over him. "So fucking beautiful." He says and starts removing my clothes.
All of my tattoos are on display, my sleeved arms against his and he places two fingers in my pussy once I am naked. I lift his shirt, wanting nothing more than to feel him chest to chest.
"Get on all fours Jen." He says and rises from the bed and grabs a few condoms, never knowing how long he will go, but can’t wait because nobody makes me cum like Cal Dorian.
He taught me sex, how to give head. I taught him to eat pussy and loved how he mastered it. I get on my hands and knees and feel his fingers go deep in my pussy and then he licks me.
"Fucking A." He growls and fucks me with his fingers and his mouth. "This is my favorite pussy to eat. Been addicted since tenth grade when you finally let me at it."
He slams his fingers deep, almost painfully. With his mouth on my clit driving me to cum though, it mixes and everything blends to passion until I cum on his face.
He rolls me to my back and spreads my legs as he slips a condom over his cock. "My beard is soaked, you came so hard."
I giggle and can see the wetness of my orgasm on his beard. There is nothing dignified in any of this, but the trashy way he treats my body gets me off. No rhyme or reason to it, it is just the kink I need.
He slams into me and fucks with a relentless strength and within minutes I am gushing all over him, screaming for more, harder...Yes! He has never attacked me like this, it is torture and it is bliss. "Fuck yes your dirty little cunt craves my cock doesn’t it?"
I hate what he said, hate it but I still cum because even though his words are hateful and cruel, I love how he uses me. I am addicted to a lot of the life I live these days, but he is my needle, my pipe. His degrading sex appeals to me even though I know I am fucked up.
I let him do it, I always do. I focus on the memories of Cal when he respected me and pleasured me with reverence. He was once grateful for my touch when we were younger and before he was a Rockstar without a care in the world.
It is that guy I feel, no matter how used I am after, it is the Cal from my memories I feel when I am with him.
Fucked up I know, but there it is. Addiction in any sense of the word is ugly.
"I am gonna blow through this condom!" He roars and slams into me fast and hard. "Never been this good, what the fuck?" He cries and cum’s, grinding into my mound as he beats his dick into me.
It is brutal.
Bliss.
Desperate.
Perfect.
He doesn’t linger or cuddle. No sweet kisses or promise of another round. He reminds me when he removes from my body that we are not lovers, we are toxic and he is bad for me. He laughs and looks at his dick and the lack of a condom before his eyes meet mine. He sways from the alcohol and asks me if I’m on the pill. I try to tell him no as I panic, scared I could get pregnant.
He ignores me though and heads to the bathroom, holding himself against the wall to piss. I have the humiliating task of trying to locate the used condom still inside of me. I clean myself when Cal comes out and says nothing but a ‘thanks’ over his shoulder and leaves heading back to the party. I sneak out after I am cleaned and never step foot on his bus again.
For the first time I am painfully aware that I mean nothing to him.
Nothing and I pray that I come out of this with nothing more than humiliation.
I am pulled from the memory, knowing I was smacked with the consequence of my stupidity and delivered Axe alone, after a caesarian section when labor almost killed us both.
I push the bile down as I think of my lack of dignity where Cal is concerned and listen the rumble of a car getting closer.
As if he would let me breathe after that 'fuck you' I gave, I see a shining black muscle car pull into my lot. I know its him because he is the only guy I know that would buy it and blast Alice in Chains, announcing its arrival in this neighborhood.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks at me, says nothing and makes his way to my door upstairs. Seconds later I feel him tug on my hair before sitting across from me.
"Am I gonna get the silent treatment? Because I will warn you, I invented that bullshit. I have no problem chilling here until you are done being a brat and listen to what I have to say."
I look at him and take a drag off my smoke. "No silent treatment, I know I deserved it." I play with the freighted hole in the knee of my jeans not looking at him. "I’m sorry that I told you to fuck off."
He leans forward and tips my chin up so I can see his eyes. "Sorry I called you a pussy. I could have been a little more sensitive, but I suck at filtering."
"Well coward or pussy, don’t matter they are both the same and you were right, I am a coward."
"Why not tell him about the rape Jen?" He leans back after stealing my smoke. "Or the fact you were offered money to run and never look back but asked for help instead?" I recall with blinding clarity the moment he offered me five hundred thousand dollars to leave and my begging him to pay for my treatment and therapy instead. If I had even a snowballs chance in hell to be in Axe's life ever again I needed to learn to live without a hustle or drugs or men.
I tell him my thoughts and try to explain the shame in it. "Noah, I judge myself. I knew what I was doing taking Axe to that party. I knew how I would pay. How it all played out, no I wasn’t expecting it to go so completely different than any other deal I had ever made." I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees and burry my face, my long hair shielding me from him as it falls forward.
"Babes, I got my ass beat in a bloody biker kind of way for hitting up a dirty dealer. I wasn’t about to snitch or cry that it was unfair, but I sure as fuck learned my lesson. Sometimes we gotta learn the hard way, and Jen we both did."
I sit up and light another smoke, still letting my hair hide me from him. But, with a soft hand he pulls it back. "Look at me Jen."
I do and I hate the tears in my eyes. "Nobody has the right to judge your rock bottom. Not even Cal."
"I just feel like I have so many awful points where he witnessed them, it’s almost like I want to save us both the misery of the truth."
"But how is that fair to him? You want his love Jen and that means he loves all of you or he isn’t worth it. Nobody is worth it if they judge you based on your worst moment. We are all better than our worst, just people remember the worst because the impact was the hardest. It is shitty and unfair and it is why so many addicts fail in recovery. We didn’t Jen. You rose above your shitty mom and the hands you were dealt like me. We lost our way but we both came back stronger for it."
"I love you, you know that?" I say and wipe my tears before standing to hug him.
"I love you too Jen. Please promise me you'll talk to him though." I don’t want to promise that because it is hard to cope with as it is and including Cal in it makes it hard to breathe.
"Noah..." I say and look out over the dirt that was once grass and the trash surrounding the grounds. I feel like this shithole more often than not.
"Jen, you gotta talk to someone about it. I know better than anyone the importance of protecting your mind from that type of ugly. I invented Trust Me so Carrie didn’t hold it in. You can’t continue to function positively in a lie. This will eat you up and spit you out. I never talked about me and I am seriously dark kid, darker than anyone thinks. I don’t want this for you."
I nod and look at him. "Do you ever feel guilt over your dad’s abuse?" I ask.
"All the time. Not for him or for myself, but I have loads of guilt for not being able to stop him from hurting Carrie. I know that I wasn’t able to and I believe that now, but even with that knowledge... that fear will never go away because I was too fucking gone by the time I could have been saved."
I am astonished with the ease he talks to me about his past. I am one of three people he openly talks about it with. So, I show that same trust and tell him my biggest fear. "I believe that it was my fault. I deserved it Noah, for being so desperate to forget my shitty life that I risked it and my child’s by going looking for that trouble. I deserved every cruel word and every painful blow. In that moment I only cared about saving Axe and that I swore to God if he would protect him I would give him to Cal and never look back." I am sobbing as I admit my shame to my closest friend.
Noah looks at me in shock, never knowing what I truly thought in that moment or the deals I made with God. "Jenny..." He says and just hugs me, holding my head to his shoulder. "Honey you need to let this go. This was not your fault. It has nothing to do with God or balancing your good and bad. Nobody, fucking nobody deserves to be hurt and damaged like that. That sort of disgusting hate lies one hundred percent with the four men that destroyed whatever innocence you had left. It wasn’t a choice and nothing you have ever done was deserving of that sort of punishment."
"Axe though, he didn’t deserve a mom who didn’t want him, who almost aborted him. He was neglected, even when I tried my hardest I still failed him."
He grabs my face now, almost violently and forces me to see him. "Let this go. Now. Axe has bad hearing because of ear infections not a shitty mom. His eyesight is from Cal's genes. He sleeps in the corner of a bed because he feels safe there, no right or wrong to it. You have to atone for the partying and the drugs and buses and bullshit, even for taking him to that party. But I know shitty parenting Jen and you aren’t in that category. You made some fucked up choices when there were other demons you were fighting and that's what you atone by never letting it take you again. That is how you prove to him that he was loved enough because you changed you and did it with the single-minded intent to be a better mother and a better woman."
"And if Cal takes him away for that mistake?" I asked him my worst fear. Voiced it for the first time ever.
He sighs and I know he is trying to see my fears from my perspective. "Well, if he were that stupid to hurt Axe again then he deserves the ass kicking myself, Shame and Chad would deliver. However, there is a side to Cal that you don’t see very often... But he is far more comforting with the ugly things in this world than one would think. He is unbelievably understanding when someone he loves has been hurt. He might be pissed that he didn’t know, but he will understand, even if it takes him a minute he will not push you away."
"And if you’re wrong?" I ask because I want to believe him but the fear is too strong.
"Then I will beat his ass and come to fix you when he breaks you."
Cal
I get to Noah's new spot early because I need to sit with my pop rockers Bright and Raleigh to get a feel for the music. I trust in them to hear the sound I am going for and direct me who to study up on. I will need some type of training to know how to carry the right tune. There always needs to be a backup, something that intensifies and I do backup with the guys.
Now it is a whole new ball game.
I put Axe on my shoulders and sign in front of him and don’t bother speaking with him on my shoulders. 'We are gonna see Noah and Bright’s house. It's new.'
He taps on my head and I look up to his hands once I lock the new Lamborghini I just bought and decided to keep the Jeep too.
'R-a-l-e-I-g-h?' He asked in ASL.
'Probably pal.'
He claps and I bend down to let him ring the bell.
Bright answers and I am immediately on alarm at the tears in her eyes, but the huge smile and the ridiculous rock resting on her left ring finger tells me all I need to know.
"I see an even bigger celebration is on the horizon?" I say and pull her to me for a hug. "I am so happy for you guys."
"He asked me about twenty minutes ago while I was decorating. From out of nowhere." She says with true glee in her voice.
"Sounds like Noah to not make a big fuss." I say and follow her in the house to congratulate my friend. I never thought I would see this day. He fathers a gay kid that was cut off and thrown away. He agreed to therapy and treatment and somehow by the grace of God he found the strength to say goodbye to Cans and let her rest in peace knowing he was good. He is truly stronger than anyone I know.
I walk into the kitchen to see Noah eating chips with the lime salsa he loves, reading Rolling Stone and acting like he didn’t just change their life and future. He is secure in the choice and that’s all that matters to him.
Raleigh however came bounding down the stairs in black skinny jeans rolled at the bottom, suspenders with a white button up and floral bow tie. How he pulls that off and manages to look awesome is beyond me. "Momma and Daddy are getting married." He sings as he skips into the kitchen.
We know his personality and his jokes and I think most of it is to annoy Noah for attention. Noah spoils him though. I think he relates to the not being wanted thing, but despite his annoyance he adores Ral and cares for him the same way he does Carrie.
"I heard." I say and hug the blubbering mess of man. "I take it you’re on board?"
I laugh as he screams. "Yaaaaas! Ohmigawd, for real."
"Go play with your shoes until you calm the fuck down." Noah says and smiles when Ral pouts.
"Not happening. I need to hear this story again." He says and grabs Axe from my shoulders as I sit.
'Look at Bright’s ring Axe. Noah and Bright are getting married.' He signs and Axe slowly looks to Noah and Bright and smiles and claps before signing 'good job' to Noah.
"So, let’s hear the gory details." I ask and sign, but Axe is busy playing thumb war with Ral.
"I was decorating and arranging the mantel in the main room." She looks to Noah and kisses him sweetly, toying with the messy hair behind his ears. "He told me, 'you’re beautiful girl. We should make it official, feel me?'
"I turned around and he tossed me the ring box." She laughs and Raleigh stops the thumb war to interrupt.
"But once she opened it, he was on one knee and told her he never knew this was his path until he met her and asked her proper to be his wife."
Bright kisses Noah again. “Then he said trust me yeah?" And duh, I do babe." She says and kisses him again.
I see the Skyy vodka on the counter next to a bottle of Crystal and decide we need to celebrate and poor us the Champaign and Noah the Skyy. "To the new two Becketts. Congratulations!" I say as we toast. Axe starts clapping until we look at him.
'Me too.' He says and Bright grabs him a juice from the fridge.
'Make a toast Axe.' She signs and he smiles.
'Noah and Bright going to have babies and be happy with rings.'
'Good toast bud.' Noah says and looks at us covering his mouth and speaks in a whisper. "No fucking kids, Ral is enough."
Axe and I sit and hang as we talk and I can’t really ask them what music should guide me until I have talked to the guys.
The doorbell rings and Axe snaps to get our attention and I smile because we all heard it and I am glad he did to. It is improvement.
"Woman did you already call the girls to start planning?" Noah asks as he walks through the foyer to answer the door. The "What the fuck do you want?" Comes from him laced in disdain.
When I hear her voice though I am off my stool because Axe starts tapping his five hand on his forehead then his chin repeatedly. He taps his chin for my attention, his forehead to tell me his mom is here.
Mother fuck!
Tayla is here and it is the last thing he needs. "Axe stay here with Ral and Bright." I speak and use ASL and he flinches from how furious I am.
"Explain I am not mad at him." I tell Bright who starts explaining my distress with ASL. His hearing getting better, but he reverts to ASL with excitement because it is easier to focus. Which tells me my face must have looked a hundred shades of anger.
"How did you even find me?" He asks and still doesn’t let her in the door.
Love that. Harsh Noah, that unforgiving one is mean as fuck.
"I went to your old place and saw the for-rent sign up so I called Coven and asked for an updated address."
"And you’re here for what, Psychopath?" He asks and she flinches at the cruelty.
She straightens her spine and looks to me, like I would help her. Not happening. "I didn’t know Cal was here I didn’t see his car in the drive."
"Would it matter if he was? You are no longer welcome here and in about five minutes I will have security remove you, so whatever it is get to it because the clock is ticking." He says, eyes still harsh, but flash for a split second seeing the white Lambo in his driveway.
She hands him some papers and I cross my arms and smile at the scene before me. I have pity for what she turned into, but not who she chose to be. Her spine is stiff, her posture still poise dressed in her three-piece suit.
Its obnoxious, even her tats are covered. She works with rock stars, none of them trust the shit she is trying to sell them, not hiding and acting like she is better than us.
No this was one hundred percent Robert Black's influence.
Despicable.
"What is this? Our business is with Coven and Heshen Aggression until June of twenty-eighteen, but are agreement in not canceling the contract regardless the ridiculous price you wanted for us dropping the label, is we don’t deal with you two piles of shit. You want me to read some shit from Coven, send it through Brian and forget my address."
"This is the end of the sobriety contract. The Frey tour was three months but it locked in a year of sobriety after twelve months. This was our deal and my job. I need it signed to pull it from any continuing sobriety contract with Heshen."
Noah takes the papers and goes to shut the door. "I will look it over with our lawyer and if he says sign it I will and send it back."
She nods and attempted to say something, but he cut her off. "Bye."
Before the door close she calls my name and that sets him off and makes me laugh.
"Oh?" He questions and cracks his neck and I swear it was to intimidate her. "If you want to talk to Cal, I suggest you definitely have a witness present. You are not a part of this family Tayla and I won’t stop anyone from attacking you. That’s what hate is and how it works. It means I honestly have no moral compass or limits with you anymore."
The laughter ends with his threat. I know Noah and he wouldn’t lay a finger on her, but how he said it tells me Bright would and she is now toeing up in front of Tayla for me.
"I really hope you are not here to try and rile my fiancé in some lame ass attempt to get at Cal or Axe."
Bright is one fierce little shit, but I wish she hadn’t said that Axe was here. Tay’s response to it had me fighting mad.
Her hand goes to her mouth, she seems for a split second to look like the woman I once was so devoted to. "Axe is here?"
Now I am set off and shoulder passed Noah and Bright as the door I pulled shut slams behind me. I get in her space and look her in the eye. "That is my child and you are only going to be some fucking painful memory he triggers from time to time. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here."
"Now!" Noah barks.
"Cal..."
"No, fuck you and whatever you think I need to hear. Get the hell away from me Tayla, so help me God." I had no intent on hurting her, but my mouth would and I would go in whatever direction it took to have her leaving in self-loathing tears.
I have tried endlessly to not kick her while she is down, but after it's cost me more than anything- I find it hard to play by any rules anymore.
She stares at me longer than is comfortable, chewing on some thought or tactic to make me feel anything but resentment for her.
"Cal, I love him and I miss him, but my life is different and I don’t think interfering with what you and Jenny have accomplished is appropriate. That is the only reason I keep my distance. It kills me to lose him, but it is best for him."
"I might agree with that assessment, but he didn’t need to be the collateral damage of your choice, your lies and broken promises. Now there is no option to have him in your life for any capacity. You are the ugly part of my career. I accept you will be around, I accept that we will need to be civil and cordial by industry standards, but make no mistake we are not friends and never will be."
She shakes her head and looks to Noah and Bright who are still mad dogging her from the doorway. I knew better than to shut it, nosey fucks just reopened it and stood by to watch.
"I wish you the best Cal." She says and goes to shake my hand. I fold my arms and look at her hand like it’s a bag of dog shit.
"Fuck you." I say turning my back on her for good.