Chapter Five
Cal
I walk into Pinky's, a small dive bar in Tacoma that I haven’t been in since we were shitty little garage band. Even though recognition requires playing in a shithole like this and earning the cred, she is far too talented to accept this gig. Pinky's is packed and the owner is getting the benefit, not her.
I called ahead and let the Manager know I would be coming to see her act and asked if I could come through the back so that I could watch her fans response and her show uninterrupted.
Currently I watched from the side of the stage, waiting for her to begin. The minute she started the first song, that beat sucked me in.
She was doing a cover by Sia called Helium, but the vibe she puts in to it...? She uses this computer to mix the sound and I can feel the direction she wants to go, but its missing something. Bass guitar isn’t enough for what she wants to accomplish. The bass works, but at the very least you need rhythm with it. Take the bass out and the rhythm, add some piano and orchestral drums? This song would be better than the original version.
It's hard to watch because her voice is unlike anything I have ever heard. There’s this raspy pitch that has her sounding like she is in the pro’s. It is her acoustics that need help, once she has her sound, her voice will carry harder, stronger and it will balance out the music.
I knew before I got here that I would want to collaborate on some music, but I wanted her voice since her sound lacks or use her on some duets with Chad. Ideas of maybe even producing where I could utilize my musicality to help her out. Only now, I want to fix her music and play guitar for her songs. She starts and old Cheryl Crow song and she tries, I swear she does and she is close to what she is trying to do… But it just isn’t there.
I see the guitar beside her and decide to help her out when she starts to sing Hurricane by Fluerie. I know, know what it is missing because I know this song, Tayla listened to it often. Fleurie is on the alternative end of indie artists, but Lexington has switched it into that slow hip hop vibe, but again with the bass.
I can’t let her ruin this song or her name anymore. I turn my hat around so the bill covers to top of my face from the crowd, then pull my hood over my head and hope like hell I can blend in.
She sees me the minute I step on stage and I legit cover the microphone before looking at her. "You are torturing this song. Start it over and let me help on guitar, and for the love of God, kill the bass on your equipment. Leave the instrumental stuff alone and get to the piano, stay there and trust me."
I don’t wait for her to freak out. Dumb move if she would have because this will be career changing if she heeds my advice. I might not be a lyricist, but I am a musician.
She’s smart though and doesn’t flip before she apologizes to the confused audience.
"Hey guys, sorry I had to stop but it was a much-needed interruption as my guitarist just showed up. Welcome, uh… CD."
Hand to God, I felt my cringe from being called that, but accept it because she was trying to give me as much anonymity she could.
The song starts over once she is at the piano and she began to sing. For now, I sit and watch until I can feel where to enter. My eyes are closed and I feel every vibration, every sound until I hit it.
When she starts the chorus, I lick the string then tap it so it carries keeping it soft and haunting to stay with her R&B vibe. The entire dynamic of the song changes and I know how to follow without smothering the artist.
I keep it mellow, even though I could add more and shred it, but there isn’t a need for solo's or whammy bar squealing, but once the break in the song comes I will shred the fuck out of it.
My thing is not hers, but with a little of my thing, my knowledge and her vibe and voice... holy fucking epic.
I climb the bar on the next verse, keeping it low but matching that bluesy thing she needed and I see her smiling like I made her day.
I am certain I did.
I lay into it, peeling fast and flicking my strings so that the shitty bass she tried adding comes through now, cleaner by the flicks I keep down on the arm of my guitar.
By the end of the song the audience is screaming and she is grinning ear to ear. "Thank you everyone. I am going take a few minutes before the next set."
She stands and I follow her shaking my head in absolute horror. "Never break only three songs in!” I scrub my hands on my beard before readjusting my hat. “They just started cheering you on, now is not the time to break." I look out to the crowd and see the anxiousness of her fans excited for more. "Gotta piss? Hold it. Thirsty? Fucking suck it up. You see fans waiting and anxious for more you stay the fuck out there and deliver. Only leave the stage when you’re off and need to get your shit together."
She nods and flinches at my tone, but hell she will never make it with the dumb ass mistakes she's making. I get that I have made her my project, but she doesn’t know that and probably thinks I’m egotistic.
"Okay... any advice before I go back out? I need to get my next beat up."
"What song?" I ask.
"Nothing compares 2 u."
"Chris Cornell’s version?"
She shakes her head no. "Well actually I don’t know. I only know Sinead O’Conner’s version."
"Guitar or electric?"
"Electric only. I Made it slower and lifted the bass line." She bites her lip when she sees me cringe.
"Drop the bass again and stop lifting it until we fix your track. I will do the rest. The electronic stuff is your sound so keep it, I will follow your beat."
"Wait, you’re coming back out with me?"
"You’re fucked if I don’t Lexington." I had to listen to lectures on my playing, my teachers were brutal and made me want to work until my fingers bled to prove them wrong.
She needs that same passion. She needs to be hungry for it.
She nods and just walks away. I get it, it’s gotta be intimidating. Had Slash or Angus laid into me like that at a solo show when I was twenty-one I would probably have cried, but I would play crying and take it for what it is worth.
Sound fuckin advice.
We played like that for the rest of the night and by her final song, she never touched that bass and it changed the vibe of her show. It boosted her confidence to tear into her singing without fear. She took chances vocally the same way Chad does, mixing it up with a simple inflection.
And I played. Played music I have never played before or ever thought I would. "So?" I ask, because I want her to admit she needs my help.
"You’re amazing Cal, you know that." She shakes her head in wonder and I see her nerves kill the confidence she had on stage. "I can’t create music like that though. I don’t know what would make a song better. I’m a singer and a lyricist. That’s why I sing covers."
I nod as we walk out the back of the building as I help her carry her gear. But there is only my Jeep in the back. "Where’s your car?"
"I don’t have one. It's cool though, I'll call Uber."
She goes to open her Uber app and I stop her.
"How about we go get some grub and I don’t know, maybe I can help you out a little."
She smiles in some flirty fangirl way that creeps me out a little. "Are you asking me out?"
I laugh, but not with humor. "No, I'm not. I... my thing... it’s complicated." I am not about to pour my heart out to a stranger so I let her figure her own conclusion out.
"So why take me out then?"
I shake my head and can’t stifle my chuckle. "I plan to head to Ihop and talk business. If either of those things are what you consider a date, raise your fuckin’ standards kid."
I open the back latch to my Jeep and a few of Axe's toys fall out. "You got a kid?" She asks as she hands me her guitar, ugh no case and I realize my project is going to be a hell of a cleanup. Starting with taking proper care of her shit.
"Yes. A son." I close the latch and look at her. "Get a guitar case and treat that guitar like your lover not your ex. Feel me?"
She laughs and nods as we get in the Jeep. "So why you wanna help me? Too rich and too bored so you wanna take the poor girl to the top?"
I shrug. "Something like that."
"Sounds Robin Hoodish." She says with a chuckle as I look at her deadpan. "Robin Hood stole from the rich to give to the poor, so I guess that makes you Robin Hood."
"I guess so." I watch her out of the corner of my eye while I drive. She looks back at her guitar, then at me. "I got that guitar out of a dumpster two years ago and fixed it as best I could. I can’t afford a case."
I look at her shocked. "You rebuilt that from the trash?"
She nods as I look at her shocked, a little proud. "You did a hell of a job. I would never have known. I can tune it for you so the sound isn’t choppy."
"Yeah that would be great."
"Did you take lessons or self-taught?" I ask as we pull into Ihop.
"Self-taught. I only play it on a few songs that don’t have piano."
I nod as we wait for the waitress to seat us.
"Can I ask you something CD?" She says and again, I know she says it for my sake, but it makes me sick.
"Only if you never call me that again."
"What? CD?"
I nod, cringing again. "Call me Cal or even Calvin, but not fucking CD."
"Okay Calvin.... why do you hate CD so much?"
"Because it isn’t a name it’s a disk for music. If it was a name then it belongs with some British asshat with blue hair or some shit."
I hate that guy for everything she wants him for. It isn’t fair and it isn’t rational and I don’t give a fuck.
"Sounds personal Calvin."
I darkly chuckle as I scrub my hands on my beard. "You have no fucking idea."
An hour later we sit in the booth drinking coffee and talking business. "So, wait, you want to collaborate on an album with me or Thick as Thieves wants me to collaborate a few songs?"
"Well, that’s where it gets complicated. We are taking some time off for a year or so. Chads wife is about to start her book tour, Noah is moving and at some point, going to get married I am sure. Shame is a new dad and another kid on the way and I have the time, but nothing could be final until I talk to the guys and have their support."
"Do you think they would be okay with it? I mean, it could affect your brand."
I shake my head no as I drink from my coffee. "Most guitarists at my level of skill branch out on projects or guest a spot in a song. It's more that I want their support because my band will always come first. This collaboration will be unlike anything I have ever done, mixing rock with R&B the way I hear it in my head."
"I wish I had that ability. I can write the lyrics and sing but musically, like creating it? I can’t. I can’t hear it in my head, create it and then add the words."
"Don’t let it break your confidence. I can’t write lyrics for shit. I feel that emotion that comes from writing in the composition. Sad, haunting, exciting... I put the emotion into the harmony."
"So, what? You'll write the music and I will write the lyrics?"
"I want to hear some of your stuff before I task you with it, but yeah hopefully."
"You’re kind of arrogant." She says leaning back folding her arms.
"You’re right, I am arrogant. Most definitely when it comes to music. You need to be a little arrogant too or you will get chewed up in this industry." As bad as I want to help her find her brand, her style I can’t pretend it will be easy. I need her to believe in it, find the hunger for it.
"Answer me this. Are you doing this because it is your hobby or is it more?" Her answer will tell me if it’s worth the chance or to walk away.
"Honestly, I think it’s both. I love to sing and create the beats, but I don’t see me as the MTV music awards winner either. It's a hard dream to reach."
I know where she is coming from, but she needs the fire, the desire to make it happen.
"Can I be frank?" I ask and I have had way too much coffee because my fingers are tapping on the edge of the table and my knee bouncing under it. It's excitement and fear equally. Music inspires my life not the other way around. I eat it, breathe it, live it.
"I thought you were being frank?"
I roll my eyes. "Ha, ha. Funny." I say sarcastically and lean forward. "Every musician fears the day they have to stop and follow a different dream. More fail than win in this industry so you have got to find the hunger for it. Be starved for it, survive by it."
"Okay... but help me build that confidence."
"I can help you find the right sound and you’ll find confidence, but you have to believe it."
"What if I suck at writing?" She bites her lip and it has become the quickest sign that she is terrified.
"Well, I doubt you do. You have these weaknesses in the beat but I can’t see where you want to be. That’s the hunger. The fact you can write them and sing them au Capella tells me you don’t suck, but its where you need to be hungry."
"Do you believe in me Calvin?"
"Without a doubt, I do. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t." I want to tell her that she can sing and it is powerful. Her beats suck but it’s an easy fix. Her look and her sound will take the industry by storm. But I don’t tell her this yet, and wont until I see her bleeding it.
Jenny
I wake up exhausted from yet another argument with Noah where Cal is concerned. He was out with that red head last night and my stress call to Noah told me I deserved it for not owning that I feel the same.
Right now, I needed all the drama to go away so I could focus. Sully booked out four hours today to prep me on some new techniques for dermal and branding. I had some volunteers that were getting free work to allow me to try the techniques on them. Supervised by Sam who would be using volunteers of his own for instruction.
He was a great teacher. He knew what pace I needed and lead me easily. It helped we were friends before I started here and he wanted a stable life for me. There were more and more walk in's coming for my section in the studio and he would convince them to schedule if I wasn’t in there.
I had a feeling at the end of this training he would tell me it was time to leave Skin. Change scared me though and Skin had been my job for over six years, since I turned twenty-one. It is comfortable because I know it.
I came early to have lunch and talk with him on this shit storm with Cal, in hopes of getting some advice on actually leaving Skin for good. It was hard to discuss that with Noah, knowing he was biased to both our sides, plus he hated that I worked at Skin. As I walk in the door of the PIT I could hear the screaming from the entry way, but now I saw the couple fighting and my heart broke. Sully looked at me. "Go wait in my booth Jen, I'll be there in a minute." He says and dismisses me when Deja yelled to me.
"He can be there now Jen. This shit is over and nothing left to be said." She yells, setting him off.
Oh, shit this is uncomfortable. There are customers, and the volunteers. Asa, CD and Noah all had clients on their tables and Otto was due any minute for his first client. This was bad, but I figure Noah would stop it if it got out of hand.
I had wanted to vent about all the shit with Cal, but after seeing this blow up... no I couldn’t.
Everyone in the studio listened while he deals with his ex-wife. Honestly this was the first time I ever saw anyone not be captivated by him- or his presence. Sully was commanding. He had the ability to be both magnanimous and lethal depending on who he dealt with.
He was neither with Deja. I suppose it’s because they suffered a loss of monumental proportions that nobody ever wants to experience. Seeing her in a fit of rage fueled tears and his voice cracking from the shear force for which he yelled was uncomfortable.
We all knew they lost a child, a toddler. We all knew it destroyed their marriage, life and the opportunity to heal or recover. There wasn’t a right or wrong here, it just was.
I ran back to the seat by his drawing table and tried to look my cool as he stormed in the room. One look at me was a dead giveaway. “In case you missed it, she flipped me the bird after she kicked the front door open.”
Feeling like shit for not attempting to pretend like I didn’t notice, I look at him and give him the realness he deserves. “Sorry, but it was hard not to Sull.” I stay sitting, wishing I could hug him or a pat on the back…something that told him I may not understand, but I feel the pain. “Wanna talk?”
He shakes his head no and I understand. He looks like he is fighting tears and there’s this underlying frustration that is always present in him, but now it is visible and undeniable. My friend was hurting. “Sully…” I don’t know what I think I could say, but I want him to talk to me. The silence is so much worse.
I decide not to say anything and stand to leave. He deserves silence and time to think and honestly, my issues are pointless in comparison.
“Why’d you need to talk to me Jen?” He asks and doesn’t turn around. He is walking around his room looking at the various things needing a touch up… straightening his art… putting his phone on the charger. He is going through the motions as best he can.
“Don’t worry about it.” I brush it off and place my hand on his. “It’s not important.”
I go to leave and he stops me by grabbing the hand I had placed on his. “I know you’re a good mom Jen. Axe is alive and well because you knew what was best for him. Deja and I were selfish and didn’t do what was best for Kace. If that’s what is on your mind, then rest assured I am the bad parent between you and I.”
I couldn’t understand why he was saying it. I wasn’t a good mom… the best intentions excuse is a cop out when it comes to kids. I know I was a selfish asshole and I had to accept it. I couldn’t change my past any more than Sully could. I don’t know what I will say to Axe when or if he asks me one day why he had it so hard in the beginning of his life.
But me complaining about it isn’t fair because I have the chance to explain myself to him and pray he forgives me. He will have the chance to lash out and tell me to fuck off if he wants, but Sully never will. Kace is gone and he will always be seeking answers he will never get.
“Why would you say that Sully?”
He just shakes his head and looks at his machine sitting still on his cart. “We fought that night, Deja and me.” He looks at me and I see dark desperate eyes looking at me. “I left the party pissed off assuming that Deja was staying with Kace. I didn’t know that Deja had left too assuming I had her. I ignored her calls for three hours, but it was too late when I checked my voicemails. Six hours she had been gone before I knew.” He looks at me now, those dark eyes pooled with tears as he reopens this wound. I had no idea if he was telling me for my benefit or his, I just let him talk.
“We threw parties all the time at the shop. Everyone knew Kace because she came to work with Deja and I every day, but there were people there that we didn’t know. The party that Halloween spiraled out of control…” He shakes his head again and I know what he is seeing in his memory is shaking him to his core. “She was gone. Taken…” He looks at me, tears falling. “Her body was never recovered…”
I cover my mouth with my hand shocked that my assumption of how Kace died was not what I thought. I assumed she was sick. I never asked, I just assumed she was taken too soon after fighting for the short life she had. Looking at him now and hearing him, I am heartbroken that he survived every parent’s absolute worst nightmare. “Sully…” I want to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but he is too deep in his pain to believe and so all I do is confirm what I know. “You are so much stronger than you know Sully…”
I hug him then. I needed to hug him and even if he couldn’t feel the connection to me, I felt the connection to him, now more than ever.
“What the fuck dude? Really?” Cal says, his voice drenched in accusation as he stares us both down. “Is it possible for you not to work your dick into every fucking girl I want?”
“Cal!” I snap and oh the mother fucker how dare he? Before I can rip his ass one end up the other, Sully cocks back and swings at Cal, connecting with his jaw and knocking his lights out.
Cal
I wake up on a hard surface, dazed and annoyed at Jenny slapping my face. "Stop fucking hitting me." I say, glaring at Sully.
"If you want to take this shit outside Sully, let’s do it. I guarantee there won’t be cheap shots a second time. I'll knock your fucking lights out."
He walks slowly to me eyeing me up and down. "I don’t need to hit you again, I made my point. Watch your mouth and your accusations in my shop and with my staff."
Before I can respond Noah comes in the room after hearing the yelling. "What the fuck is going on in here? I let you and Deja do your thing because I get it, but now you three decide to have some fuckin lovers quarrel in MY shop?" He eyes Sully as he says it, and though they are fifty/fifty partners, Noah still has the upper hand because he paid for this studio to be what it is. Every penny that he deposited into this shop to make it a bad ass ink haven. His fame alone builds the clientele, so yeah, he had every right.
This lovers quarrel shit was a hoax though.
"Well maybe tell your two BFF's to stop fucking with my head then!" I yell and Noah charges me. I move to the door prepared to fight them all preparing for a hit that never came.
"Forget them and come talk to me so you can chill the fuck out. This place is for business." He turns from addressing me and looks to Sully and Jenny. "Not fucking high school cattiness. Fucking feel me?" He yells forcing a flinch from Jen. Sam waves his hand at him and saunters from the room not bothered by Noah’s demands.
Jen went to follow him, stopping in front of me and Noah. "He was telling me about Kace and he looked so broken, I wanted to comfort him." She looks at me then as Noah nods in understanding. "That is what you walked in on." She tries to pass me but I block the door with my arm, resting it on the frame.
"Cal, enough!" Noah warns, but he is calm and fully aware I have lost my mind as I taunt her.
"Yeah go chase after him and baby him. Give that love to everyone but the one who wants it." I lick my lips, blow her a kiss before I was shoved from the room by Noah.
"I chased after you the last time I recall." She says to my back and I stop, Noah between us now.
"Oh wanna’ talk about that night? Let’s do. Lay your bullshit bare for your buddy here."
"Get the fuck outside both of you." Noah says through grit teeth, but we ignore him staring one another down. "Now!" He roars and starts pushing me toward the back door that leads to the overhead parking area and roof.
Once outside I shrug his hands off me and roar into the dreary gloomy sky. "Calm, the fuck, down Cal."
Jen walks out the door and I start in at her immediately. "Why him Jen? Why fucking let him be the one you toy with me on? You know God damn well what he allowed when Tayla fucked with my head." I shake my head as she tries to come to me, to rationalize herself, but Noah stops her.
"Give him room right now Jen, for real."
"I know we have a fucked-up pile of bullshit between us right now, but never, fucking never would have thought you would do shit just to spite me." I don’t know who Casey was or if it was some ruse to break me so I would beg her... but there isn’t an excuse to this shit. Not where Sam is involved. He and Tayla caused that rift, not me.
"Bro, Kace is Sam’s daughter who is dead." Noah says in his blunt, no bullshit way. "She was two."
My hands go to my face and I try to scrub my psycho mistake away, to no avail. So, I do what it seems I always do and just start screaming fuck.
Repeatedly.
By the time I stop roaring like a fucking lunatic... fuck I try to apologize in some way.
"I didn’t know her name or her age. I knew he and his ex-wife lost their kid and it was bad enough. He doesn’t talk about it and I am not the type to pick at scabs. I didn’t know."
I want him to understand that, and I will apologize to Sam to. As if summoned on my personal oath Sully comes down the steps from the roof after having his smoke. "That’s why she hugged me man. I don’t talk about her, it’s too raw and its unresolved. She was abducted and murdered, or presumed murdered because we never recovered her body or know who took her."
Jen takes a tentative step toward me. "He and Deja were fighting in the studio and I had come early to talk to him for lunch before we did technique study on new fads. I am trying to build more clientele so I can leave Skin."
The idea of her never stepping foot in that place again makes me insanely happy.
"Sam, I over-reacted..." I want to find the words but my head is buzzing.
"I get it man. I want to go on record here that all that shit with Tayla, I was doing her a favor and didn’t know what was up with you guys or your past. Once I came to the Sue for that gig you set up for her favorite song... man I told her what she was doing was wrong and it stopped there. I get it though and I never would have done it if I knew that you would never trust me or get to know me."
I nod and look at him, take the few steps with my hand out to shake his. "Not like we ever confronted it either. It's cool and honestly, I deserved that hit man. I didn’t know what I walked in on and I was immediately defensive."
"All's cool man." He says as he shakes my hand.
"Jen, I’m gonna’ reschedule the training today." He flips his smoke and looks at us. "I'll give you guys a minute to sort this shit out, because whatever it is, it’s killing you my man. Your acting crazy." Sam addresses me but looks at Jen with the same concern.
"He's right, this shit is getting out of hand Cal." Noah says as Sam heads back inside the shop.
"I know it!" I laugh uncomfortably. "I am certifiable these days."
"So, I guess it’s my fault you can’t see past your ego?" Jen says, hand on her hip and stares me down.
"Oh, this isn’t my ego you shit!" I yell and walk toward her, Noah not stopping me. "This is me trying to figure out why I give a rat’s ass anymore."
"Well don’t then, move on. I am trying to be a good mom and build a career and yes, date!"
"Move on? Red if I could I would have. I have been on my knees crawling to find my fucking dignity that was ripped from me by first Tayla and now you!" I scrub my face and look to Noah. "I have fallen so fucking low, I need to roll my socks down to take a fucking piss."
"Then maybe stop comparing me to Tayla and actually see me!" She yells and, I swear to God, I feel steam come from my ears.
"Listen to me very fucking closely here Jenny, very fucking close." I seethe and elbow Noah who now sees exactly how mad I am and tries again to intervene. I outweigh him by a good eighty pounds he knows. I will snap and drop him.
"I have no desire to speak with Tayla Livingston, to see her snide face or think of what could have been had I still been under that spell. I have accepted it and let it go. I kept my focus on Axe and work. When I did start to see you is when I fucked you, all night and poured my heart out. Whatever the fuck you took from my raw truth is your perception and I cannot help you there. I made my intentions clear then and I did last week at your apartment. You made it clear that we will never happen. I haven’t reached out to you. I haven’t asked for you to listen to me and I won’t ask you to pick me ever again, it all lies on you."
"Come on man..." Noah says, no fight in his words and I know him, too fucking well and in this I do think he is on my side. I am not wrong in this. I fought for her and Tay both left me needing to be saved. The only option is fangirls and music, because there is nothing left.
"Then, if you don’t want me why insult Sully and I? Because Tay hurt you and used Sully in it!” She answers for me thinking she has the right. “You still fucking care!" She yells to my retreating back. I ignore her, but Noah doesn’t.
"Enough, Jen!" He yells and I turn surprised by his yelling. Jen steps back, now sitting in that uncomfortable way we all have when you cross one of his few boundaries and set him off.
I almost felt bad for her… almost.
"You weren’t there Jen. You didn’t see how far he went to prove himself to her. How hard he fought for me to remain a member of TAT or how it is what started the downfall for them. You didn’t see him smashing the hell out of every memory they made, shattering every frame and tearing up every picture. You didn’t see him shatter every bottle of Moscato as he cursed her. You didn’t see him on Thanksgiving, not once I got there. It was devastating. Now you try to pretend that this is on Tayla? Congratu-fucking-lations Jen, because you found the one place she isn’t guilty and it starts and ends with there never being a shot in hell he would take her back."
He places his arms on her shoulders and forces him to look at her. "Your denial is what is making him crazy-possessive and jealous-angry. It is all games you are playing and it will backfire if you don’t fucking stop. You! You are the one that sits and blames him for why you can’t have him, but it all is you. You’re the fucking pussy."
She flinches from his words, but she stands firm and straightens her shoulders before addressing him. "When we had this same talk when you fought for Bright, remember that I spoke to you with ease and comfort. I knew your reasons why you couldn’t put your heart out there, and you know mine" She looks at him pointedly and I watch him close his eyes against the image she painted.
Color me curious? What the fuck does he know and I don’t?
"I didn’t call you a pussy, I told you to do whatever it took to be happy. You told me you wanted no part of this and that you wouldn’t get involved, yet you just jumped right in the middle of this shitstorm and have the audacity to call me a pussy...?" She shakes her head and pulls her keys from her pockets. "Fuck you right back. Both of you."
Neither of us said anything as she left, nothing to say. He obviously knew Jens secrets and she obviously knew before we all did that he struggled much harder than we knew when coming to terms with Bright.
What started about Jen and I and the tension between us, ended in a very sad come to Jesus moment with him and Jen.
"Look, I wanted nothing to do with this thing between you guys. I made it clear that you both are equals to me and I couldn’t be her go to guy in this. But I was left with no choice on this."
He looks at me and I know he is feeling like shit. "I also know a thing or two about why she is running scared from you." I go to ask what but he puts his hand up and shakes his head no. "Not my place and you know it."
"What I meant by saying that I got involved, was because she is basically lying, pulling any card to stop from saying the truth and I am over it. What I will tell you is what she thinks doesn’t matter. It matters...greatly."
I scrub my face for the millionth time this hour and I am surprised I have a beard left with all the stressful shit. "Well, tell me because its freaking me out that there’s shit, bad shit- that I don’t know."
"I told you that Christmas after you guys split, that there was nothing strange or weird about a mother and father ending up together.,"
I nod remembering, but still arguing that I couldn’t see her without seeing everyone else she partied with too.
That shit still makes me postal.
"Well, she has been in love with you for the better part of a decade if not longer. Pre-dates everything you thought and will strip you to nothing when you look back on those same memories that fuck with your head... ten times worse when you remember them with the knowledge she only wanted you."
He says nothing else and I let it drop because he has no clue that I bear the burden and have suspected it for a while. He has no idea that he only confirmed what I feared.
"Look I need to go damage control with her." He looks at me questioningly. "Were you here to get tatted?"
"No man. I wanted to get with you and the guys for a little business meeting on something, but I need to talk to everyone about it."
"Okay cool. What time and where?" He says as we walk towards the parking lot where my Jeep is and his... new car?
"Holy fuck, tell me you bought that and I can drive it sometime in the near future?" I say as I take in the 1968 Cuda Hemi sitting sideways in three spots in the lot, effectively ensuring nothing could touch it.
"Yeah, I got it earlier from a restoration lot I found a few months back. Couldn’t pass it by." He says, and talks about it and all the bells and whistles with a devotion usually reserved for the passion of career, family and love.
For Noah, it was all those things and muscle cars.
I whistle low and walk around it, taking in the sheer power and beauty of this beast. "Very fuckin nice."
He gets in to rev the engine a few times and, hand to God, I got hard. "Bright know yet?"
He laughs and shrugs. "Dude I just bought her a house, I can have another car."
I laugh and it reminds me that I have yet to see the new digs. "I need to come check it out. Maybe we meet there tonight around seven or so?"
We agree and I watch, depressed as hell as he tears from the lot in such a beautiful prize. I am predictable in life and have driven a Jeep, bad ass fully loaded and customized with the lift and tires, lamps... but it has always been a Jeep, since I was sixteen and my parents bought me a wrangler from a guy at my dad's work.
I own one car, still live in the first house I bought when we made it big. Maybe change is what I need to get my head straight. I have thought a lot over the last year on moving and selling my house. Too many memories of a different life in that house. Until Jenny that one time, I only ever took one woman to bed there.
I brush the reminder of loneliness from my mind and try to focus on the few songs and artists I found to help me hone in on what the plan of attack is for this collaboration. I am not a hip hop or R&B fan. I cannot stand country, but I respect all music and can enjoy it from time to time if it is done right.
I listen to Broken by Everlast, so not compatible to my voice, but you can feel the hard edge of Rock as it blends with that hip hop vibe. Something is still off though and I can’t put my finger on it. Then it hits me, I know who loves that hip hop, pop and rap shit is Bright and Raleigh.
Suddenly I feel more relaxed when I know that I can explain to them all what I want to do to blend her soul to my edge, but like clockwork I feel the anxiety come on tenfold as I ask myself if this is the right thing. Attempting to do something I know nothing about.
I truly am a creature of habit and predictable as fuck.
I make the split decision as I pass a dealership, flip a bitch and change my patterns and maybe the course of my fate then and there.