Emma and David stayed with me for a few days and I ignored every phone call and text message Samuel sent me. He tried coming to the house once but Emma told him I didn’t want to see him and possibly never would. That wasn’t completely true, however. I did want to see him. I wanted to confront him, make him tell me the truth. I just wasn’t sure when I would be ready for that.

I had known pain and heartache. I had known betrayal. And he knew that. He knew how I would react, how I’d feel, what I’d think about it and he intentionally stayed quiet about it. He was selfish. How could he do this? I was beginning to think all men were cowards. I was beginning to believe I had definitely been better off alone.

I hugged Emma and David on their last morning after staying with me. I had spent all night explaining to Emma why I couldn’t stay here, despite the fact that I wanted to. I promised her I would be back to help with the baby though. And then I started packing up my little house all over again. I still had most of the boxes from unpacking so I guess that was convenient. I had to look for the silver lining at this point. I didn’t really have anything else. I didn’t know how quickly I could pack up and get out but I was sure as hell going to find out. If I had anything to do with it, I would set a new world record.

I stopped long enough to brew a pot of coffee and stared out through my back porch, listening to it hiss and spit against the silence. I would miss this place. I would miss Emma. I would hate missing watching her grow through her pregnancy. I’d come back for the birth. I had to come back for the birth. I would still visit from time to time of course but it wouldn’t be the same. I would miss Samuel, or rather I would miss the man he pretended to be, which was dumb. It’s the silliest thing to do. To feel something for someone even though everything tells you not to, even though they aren’t worthy of your love. We all get caught up in it, the heart’s ability to be so self-destructive.

I wiped the tears from beneath my eyes with my hoodie sleeve. God, this is going to be a long day. I put music on, the loud kind, the kind full of angst and rage. It was the go-to playlist when I felt like I was in danger of being too soft.

An hour later, most of the kitchen was packed except some essentials, and I started on the living room. Much to my surprise, I was getting a little hungry. I didn’t want to eat though. That’s always how it was when emotions ran high in me. My body told me things and the rest of me ignored them. It was a tug-of-war and I couldn’t tell who was going to win.

Then I heard it. The dreaded knock at the door. The one that I knew wasn’t Emma or David. The one that came from the only other person it could be. I could feel my heart thudding faster now as I got up from the floor in front of the bookshelf. I started over toward the door, intentionally pushing my shoulders back and standing up straighter. I needed to be bigger, I needed to be stronger for this.

I swung the door open all the way, surprising Samuel in the exact way I meant to.

“Hello, Samuel,” I said.

“Hello, Delilah.” He smiled, though I couldn’t figure out why.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I brought food,” he said, holding up the brown paper bag of Chinese.

“I’m not hungry,” I lied. Even now after all that had happened, the man was still trying to feed me.

“Can we talk?” he asked, putting the bag back down by his side.

I gestured toward the living room and stepped aside to let him in.

He looked around, eyes fixed on the boxes half packed on the floor, and whirled around at me. “Are you moving?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Why?” he asked.

And here it was. The moment where everything was going to spill out all over the floor and make a mess no one was prepared to clean up. “I should think that it’s pretty obvious,” I stated.

“Not to me,” he urged.

“Tell me the truth,” I said.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confusion all over his face.

“Don’t play me, Samuel. I saw it,” I snapped.

“Saw what?” he said, eyes searching mine.

“When you saw Jeff. When you saw him here in my house. Tell me. Tell me it was the first time you’d ever seen him. Tell me I didn’t see recognition across your face when you whirled him around and looked him in the eyes. Tell me I’m wrong,” I said firmly.

Samuel’s eyes were discs. His jaw dropped, and he turned his face to the floor. He let out a deep sigh. The grip on his bag tightened. After a few seconds, he looked up at me. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn his eyes were glossy the way they are just before someone cries.

“You’re not wrong.” His voice trembled.

“All you men are the same,” I said. I felt a tear escape down my cheek.

“That’s not fair. Please let me explain,” he said.

“Fair? Don’t talk to me about fair. Just start explaining,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“He’s the man I saw in the photos with my wife, the ones the private investigator brought back after he found her. I was so shocked to see him here, Delilah. So shocked to see him standing in your living room, cornering you. When you said it was your ex-husband, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I just decided saying nothing in the moment was better,” he said.

“Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you just going to wait until your ex-wife tried to kill me?” I asked.

“I swear to you, I tried. I did. When we were walking around the trail at the cabin. But you told me not to,” he said.

“Oh, so it’s my fault?! For all I know, you could have been plotting with the both of them the entire time!” I snapped.

Samuel’s eyebrow crinkled. Pain swept him. “Delilah, how could you think that? How could you even imagine I would ever do that to you?”

“It’s not hard for me, Samuel. You know what I’ve been through, you know what Jeff did to me. It’s not a far leap at this point. If I’ve learned one thing, it is that life can be infinitely crueler than you or I could ever imagine,” I said.

“Delilah, I love you. Okay? I am in love with you. And I’m sorry. God, I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you as soon as I saw him. If I had it to do all over again, I would. I am so sorry you have been through so much and if I had met you in time to prevent any of it, I would have. I would have protected you, Delilah. I would have done everything in my power to make sure you never felt any of it. Please believe me,” he said, desperation in his voice.

“I wish I could, Samuel. I wish I could,” I said.

“Don’t do this, Delilah,” he pleaded.

“I have to,” I said.

He shifted. He sat the bag down on the table next to him and shoved his hands in his pockets. His body rocked back and forth as his eyes darted around, tears brimming. I could tell he was trying to think of something to say but it was clear he couldn’t find the words he wanted, the words that would save this. I was between him and the door. He stepped toward me, stopping at my side. He leaned his head into my shoulder for a moment. I didn’t move my body but I turned my head away. I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes, trying to keep it all in.

“You deserve all the happiness in the world, Delilah. Truly. I wish I could have been the one to give it to you. I wish I didn’t let you down,” he spoke softly. He pulled back and walked out my door without another word.

I waited until I heard the door shut, and then I fell to my knees and sobbed.

I was done packing for the night. I was done with everything for the night. I stood up after a few minutes and much to my surprise walked over to the bag of Chinese food he left. I opened the bag. Inside was a Styrofoam container of food, two fortune cookies, and an envelope with my name on it. Perhaps he thought he wasn’t going to get to speak to me and had written a note just in case. I pulled the letter out of the bag but I didn’t open it. I turned it over in my hands and then sat it aside. I pulled the food out to find that it was exactly what I always ordered.

I ate the food. I sat the two fortune cookies on my coffee table next to his unopened note. I curled myself into a ball on the couch, pulled the throw blanket off the back, and lay here staring at the note and the cookies. I thought for a long time about opening it but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to know what it said just yet. My eyelids grew heavy and I fell asleep just like that, staring at my name written across the envelope. I dreamt of nothing at all.