I must have sat here and read that letter over and over again for at least two hours. I must have read it fifty times. I’d read it and then sob. Then I’d read it again and sob some more. Each time, it took me several full minutes to compose myself enough to read again. I wasn’t sure why I kept reading it. It was like I kept searching for something. I even flipped the envelope upside down and shook it a couple of times. What the fuck do you expect will fall out, Delilah? You know he’s not in there.

I paced in circles around my couch. Every part of my body wanted to move. Who was I kidding? Every part of my body wanted to explode. I was feeling everything all at once. Part of me was mad at him for writing such a beautiful letter. Part of me was still mad at him for lying to me. Part of me wanted to hug him. Part of me wanted to strangle him. How fucking dare you, Samuel? Damn you.

I sat the letter down and curled up in a ball on the couch. I texted Emma.

Emma didn’t reply. She knew where I was, what I was feeling. There was something crippling about love. It scared the shit out of me. It didn’t always, but what I had gone through certainly changed that for me. I used to revel in love. I used to be excited about just the idea of it. Now, it was terrifying. I lay here, contemplating my decisions, dissecting both my past and present. I went over the future decisions I needed to make, too. Then I heard the tiniest tap on the door. I raised up slowly, staring at my door. I didn’t recognize the knock. It was small and unsure. I waited a few seconds to see if I was imagining it and heard it again. I stood up and walked over, trying to peer out the window as I walked by. I didn’t see anything. I opened the door slowly and looked around at eye level and out to the road but no one was there.

“Hi.” A small voice traveled up at me. I looked down to see Mason standing there.

“Mason? What are you doing here? Where is your dad?” I asked, looking around frantically for any sign of Samuel.

“He’s not here. Or at home,” he said, looking up at me.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, opening the door wider to let him inside. I brought him into the kitchen and sat him down in a chair. I crouched down next to him and looked him in the eyes.

“Dad got the mean babysitter instead of my aunt so I ran away,” he said, his eyes dropping to his shoes.

“Oh, Mason. You’re going to have your babysitter very worried. Do you want me to walk you back?” I asked.

“Please don’t. Can’t you just call my dad?” he pleaded.

I took a deep breath. Oh, god. I’m going to have to call him. Shit. “Sure thing, buddy. I’ll call him,” I said, half smiling at him. I had to keep up appearances for him. I couldn’t have a complete meltdown in front of the boy and expect him to understand why calling his dad was the absolute last thing I wanted to do right now.

I walked back into the living room and grabbed my phone. I pulled up Samuel’s contact and hovered my finger over the call button. I steadied my breathing and held the phone to my ear. It rang twice.

“Hello? Delilah?!” His voice rang with an excitement I had to cut short.

“Samuel, yes, it’s me,” I said.

“I was hoping you’d call, I…”

“Samuel, I’m sorry to cut you off but I wasn’t really calling for that,” I said.

“Oh….”

“Mason is here. At my house. He ran away from your house. He said you got him the mean babysitter,” I said.

“Oh my god! Is he okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, he’s totally fine. Trekked all the way over here all on his own. He asked me to call you.”

“I’m so sorry he bothered you. I’ll be there as soon as I can. It will be a few minutes. Is that okay?” he asked.

“It’s okay, no need to apologize. And, yeah, that’s totally fine. Take your time,” I said. We hung up and I looked at Mason. “Well, your dad is on his way.”

“Thank you,” Mason said.

“No problem. So, are you hungry or anything?” I asked him.

“A little bit,” he answered. I glanced around the kitchen, realizing most of what I needed to make anything was already packed up.

“Will a PB and J work for ya?” I asked.

He nodded his head in excitement.

I wish that was all it took to excite me. Little kids can really humble you. I started whipping it together while simultaneously wondering why Mason had come here to my house. “Hey, Mason?” I asked.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“What made you decide to come over here tonight? You know, instead of a closer neighbor?” I asked. I turned to walk his sandwich over to him.

“Well, you’re really nice. And I didn’t see you for a while so I wanted to come see you,” he said.

I sat his sandwich down in front of him and he immediately picked it up. “You did?” I asked.

He nodded his head as he continued to take bites.

I smiled at him. He was an adorable thing. It didn’t help that he looked just like his dad, with the exception of those eyes. “I’m glad you came to see me, Mason.”

I sat here watching him eat his sandwich and felt the bittersweet pang in his words. He came to see me because he liked me. I made small talk with him about kid stuff. I would really miss him. He was a good kid. These are the sorts of random things you end up missing the most in the end. The things you don’t think about until after something is all over. I heard a knock at the door.

“That’ll be your dad I bet,” I said. I gave Mason a smile and fluffed up his hair. He was finishing up the last bite of his sandwich.

I walked through the living room to the door. I took a deep breath and reached for the knob. The last thing I wanted to do was see him right now with all of these unresolved emotions inside me. But I didn’t really have a choice. I had Mason to thank for that.

I opened the door and there he stood, hands in his pockets, smiling his perfect smile. I gripped the edge of the door tightly. I didn’t know what to say or how to even stand here normally.

“Hey there,” he said, which somehow made me feel very small. His simple greeting sounded like an apology and a question all at once.

“Hi,” I managed. Just then, Mason appeared next to me.

“Hey, Dad,” he said, looking down at his shoes, kicking at the door jamb. He put his hand in mine and surprised both me and Samuel I think.

“Oh, Mason. Come on, bud. We need to have a little chat,” Samuel said.

Mason walked across the threshold and paused, turning back toward me. He looked up at me and then lunged at me, wrapping his arms around me. I relaxed my body and hugged him back.

“Thanks for the sandwich. I’ll see you later, Delilah,” Mason said, smiling up at me.

“No problem, buddy,” I said. I choked back everything else.

Samuel put his hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Can you go wait in the car, little man?” he asked.

Mason shook his hands and headed off toward the car.

Samuel stood there, never breaking eye contact with me. His face was pleading for answers I wasn’t prepared to give him.

“Thank you for taking care of him. I don’t know what came over him,” he said.

“Of course. I was happy to do it,” I said.

“Listen, Delilah. I…I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I had it all worked out in my head. This grand plan about how to tell you how I feel and…well, that’s all gone now. Anyway. Like I said. I’m sorry,” he said.

I stood here silent for a moment, sorting out what to say. “I guess sometimes things just don’t work out the way we hoped they would,” I said. I wrapped my arms around myself. The cool night breeze brushed my cheek but it was no match for how cold I felt inside. Every part of me was shaking. I didn’t want him to stay but I didn’t want him to go. I just wanted to push the pause button. Everything could go still right here in this moment, and then I could just step away unnoticed, unmissed.

“Right. Yeah. Okay, Delilah, well, like I said, thanks for Mason. Um, goodbye,” Samuel said. He turned and walked back toward his car.

I watched him go. I didn’t let myself cry until I saw his taillights disappear around the corner. I walked quietly back inside, shut the door behind me, and sank to the floor once again. I wasn’t sure if doing the right thing was supposed to feel this bad. I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing.