The music sheet doesn’t make sense. I’ve been over it a hundred times or more and it’s still all a blur. I know the lyrics and the beat, but everything I put down is a mess. Liam is expecting something from me by the time band practice starts in an hour, but I’m not going to be able to deliver. My mind is consumed with thoughts of love and lust and there isn’t jack shit I can do about it.
I rip my ears buds out and move away from my computer. I can’t do this, not today. Not after seeing her last night. I hate that I can’t tell her how I feel. I hate that when another man looks at her, I feel nothing but murderous rage. I want to be the only one looking at her.
I’m a fool to think she wants me with my full sleeved tattoos and rocker lifestyle. I know I can offer her more than those other men. A stable home, financial security and a man who will worship and kiss the ground that she walks on. But I’m not the one you can take home to mom or to the school PTA meetings without being stared at. I know she doesn’t want that. Enough people stare at her now.
I pull out a clean sheet of paper and write down more lyrics. More touchy feely shit that I wish I could tell her. Instead I show up almost daily with something to offer her, coffee, lunch or a free lawn mowing job because I can’t, for the life of me, get it through my head that I’m nothing more than just a friend to her, and that’s all I’ll ever be.
I write down six words before tearing the paper up. I know why Liam tasked me with putting the music down for these songs, but they are mine. I hadn’t planned on sharing them with the band. Liam thinks they’re good and wants to see how they sound. I think he’s trying to get me back for all those things I said about him falling in love when he returned home for his buddy’s funeral. Now that it’s my turn, he’s sitting back and laughing his ass off. I ought to write some heavy shit. The head pounding scream your lungs out shit that I sometimes think about.
But no, that isn’t who we are. We’ve skyrocketed Liam’s heartfelt ballads and rocking personal stories that make women fall in love with us. They all think we are tortured souls and in need of companionship. Little do they know that Liam has only written about one woman, hell I didn’t even know about it until he upped and left Los Angeles for the quiet mundane life of Beaumont.
I can’t blame him. I’ve done the same thing. This is the best place to raise Quinn. He goes to school with Noah and when Liam and I have a gig, Josie takes care of him. She’s really filled the role of mother for him and for that I will forever be thankful to her. That and she gave my best friend a whole new life and we’ve since had a string of number one hits putting us back on top of the charts.
Now if I could just get the one I’m in love with to just look in my direction. I’m firmly stuck in the friend category though and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m afraid to tell her how I feel because the look on her face will break me. I know she doesn’t want me the way I want her and I’d rather be her friend then not have her in my life at all.
I put my ear buds back in to try this one more time. I picture the things I want to do to her. The way I want to hold her. How I want to be the one she comes home to at night. Be the one that she turns to when she needs consoling on the anniversary of her husband’s death. I want to be the one that the twins need when someone dares to break their hearts.
Imagining a life with her is as easy as breathing. I just have to find a way to make it happen without putting too much pressure on her. I have hope that time is my friend and that someday she’ll look in my direction and realize I’m someone she can trust to take care of her. That she’ll know I’d never hurt her or the girls. She’ll see me for me and know that Quinn and I would fit perfectly into her life.
I push away from the desk and head to my drums, bringing my laptop with me. I need to pound out some anger and frustration and maybe something will transpire that is usable. I close my eyes and let my sticks guide me. My beat starts off hard and steady. I’m beating the drums in front of me, releasing this pent up energy.
Her face flashes before my eyes, her voice inside my head. I instantly calm down and work out a melody. I hit record on my laptop and play the sound through. It’s slow, smooth. Definitely something Liam and I can work on.
Jimmy and Tyler knock on the window, alerting me that they’re here. Tyler is our new soundboard guru and he’s been spending time with Jimmy in Los Angeles for the past week getting to know him. I stop the recording and take off my headphones to open the door for him. When I do, she’s coming down the stairs talking on her cell phone. Her eyes meet mine briefly. I can’t tell you if I’m smiling or showing no emotion whatsoever, her presence alone makes me turn into a fool. Its times like this that I’m thankful she works for us. It gives me every conceivable excuse to be near her. It’s so easy to fake a conversation about music and what gig we have coming up or what our deadlines are. Funny thing is, I know all of this, but act as if I’ve forgotten or can’t find my phone to look it up.
Jimmy slaps me on the shoulder as he passes. He’s chuckling and muttering something to himself. Liam is trudging down the stairs before I can shut the door and turn on the light to let Katelyn and Josie know we are working.
I hate the way Liam looks in the morning. No, I shouldn’t say that. I’m happy for him. He’s with the one woman he loves and they are happy. Sickeningly happy, he’s paid his dues and deserves this. The pride I see in his eyes when he looks at his son is the same way I am when I look at Quinn. They are the best of us, no matter how much we screw up.
“Jimmy, my man,” Liam says as they man hug. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Linda let me in. Tell me, how much did you have to pay her to leave her comfy job at the hotel to come here to take care of your sorry ass?”
Liam laughs. He made it a few months before he started looking for a housekeeper. He didn’t want Josie having to take to care of the house by herself so he asked his former maid, Linda, to move to Beaumont. He’s in the process of building her a nice little house out behind his and bought her a car.
“Let’s get to work. Katelyn is working on some new bars that she heard about so we need to work out the kinks.” Liam straps his guitar on and starts tuning.
“I worked this out before you guys got here.” I move over the laptop and press play, watching Jimmy and Liam as they listen to the melody. Liam smiles and looks over to the lyrics we’ve been working on. Jimmy moves to the keyboard and hits a few keys and I add in the beat from my drums. Liam signals to Tyler to start recording. He strums his guitar and sings into the microphone as Jimmy and I play along with him.
When I look up, Katelyn is watching me. Not us, but me before she turns and is out of sight. For one brief moment I have a sliver of hope that she might feel the same way.