I stared in horror as the man ran forward and knocked Jeremy off his feet. The man was drunk so his punches were sloppy and erratic, but they still rained down on top of Jeremy with dull thuds that rang through the air. The fireworks had stopped, and a crowd had gathered to watch the two men grappling with each other in the dirt.
I wanted to go to him, to jump in the middle of things and tear the man away from Jeremy before he could hurt him. But I couldn’t move. It was as if my feet were stuck in quicksand. It was just like those dreams where I tried to run, but no matter what I did, I could find no purchase.
Then, I heard it. A drunken voice, slurring profanities. A voice filled with years of brokenness, resentment and unrestrained rage. It was the voice of a monster. A monster I knew all too well. I fell back on my ass as my focus went hazy. Everything narrowed as blackness crept around the corners of my vision until I felt like I was looking through a child’s kaleidoscope, with just a pinpoint of light shining through at the very end.
All around me, noises were muffled, but my ears zeroed in on the dull thuds and groans of the attack. Pulling my legs up tightly against my chest, I squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears, trying to block it all out, but my mind refused to let me escape. Flashes of memories from long ago came rushing back and suddenly I was back there, in that house, in the kitchen.
My body felt like it was on fire. There wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t hurt. I could hear the gurgling wheeze every time I took a breath, and my throat felt as if it was being crushed under the applied pressure of the monster’s hands. My fists flailed at it, trying to get it off of me, but it was as if the monster couldn’t feel anything, like it was an impenetrable force.
I pried my eyes open and blood pooled into them, making it difficult to see. Still, somehow, I was able to see him jump on the monster’s back. He’d always been smaller than me, but in that instance, it didn’t matter because he had the power of fury behind him.
He was filled with a rage I’d never known existed inside his gentle soul, and it broke my heart to see it. I never wanted that for him. I never wanted any of this. He was the only person in the world who I loved; the only person who loved me. He was everything good and light and beautiful in the world and he deserved so much better than this. He deserved to be free, to have a chance at something better.
He fought valiantly to try and save me. Unfortunately, the monster was stronger and fueled by rage and hate. I watched in horror as his tiny body was flung across the room. He landed with a terrible thud against the cabinets and his head slammed back then slumped forward. I held my breath, praying that he would move, that he’d be alright. It felt like a lifetime passed before I saw his head lift up.
He looked disoriented and he shook his head from side to side as if to clear it. A whoosh of air passed through my lips as relief washed through me. A giant pressure was removed from my body as the monster lifted its weight and turned to face him. A renewed terror filled me.
My eyes met his and held. They were the same shape and shade of blue as my own and in that fraction of a second, I saw a vision of everything his life could be, all the dreams I had for him and the ones he had for himself. I saw Christmases and birthdays, vacations and quiet nights at home. I saw friends and family and children. But most of all, I saw laughter and love. I couldn’t let the monster get to him. I couldn’t let it destroy all that could be. I mustered up every ounce of energy I had left in me.
“Run!” I screamed.
I could see the mixture of fear and devastation and utter devotion as his eyes pleaded with me. He didn’t want to leave me, he would never leave me if it were up to him, but it wasn’t up to him. I’d made him promise, just in case something like this happened and he’d made that promise. It may not have been fair, me asking that of him, but it was the only way I knew to keep him safe. And he’d made that promise.
His attention bounced back and forth between me and the monster and I could see the indecision there. Then he looked at me one last time, his jaw locking into place, and I saw determination. My body felt broken beyond repair. I was missing teeth, I could barely breathe, and I was sure I had some internal damage, but it didn’t matter what happened to me after that, I no longer cared. As long as he was safe.
I smiled because I knew that he would hold true to his promise. I was still smiling as all the pent-up rage, a decade’s worth of it, built inside the monster and his fist slammed into my face. Everything went black.
A voice in the distance pulled at me, pleading with me to wake up. My eyelids felt heavy and my head swirled as I pried my eyes open. Jeremy was leaning over me, a look of anguish on his face.
“What happened?” I asked. Jeremy’s shoulders slumped, and he let out a ragged breath.
“I don’t know, baby. I turned around and you were lying on the ground, shaking and mumbling things that didn’t make any sense. Something about monsters and children. I tried to wake you, but you fought me off,” he told me.
It all came flooding back to me then. The drunk man, his anger at finding two men kissing and then he was hitting Jeremy. My hands reached up and slid over his face, searching for injury. “Did I hurt you? Did he hurt you?” I asked frantically.
Jeremy grabbed my hands and pulled them to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I’m fine, I promise. I let him get a couple hits in just to make things even and then I clocked him. One punch was all it took, and he was out cold.”
I sagged in relief and looked around. Most of the crowd had dispersed and I saw the man’s friends, dragging him to a truck which sat idling on the gravel lane. Edith was there, and I heard her snarl at the man to get off her property and never come back. She turned to us then and her expression gentled.
“Are you boys alright?” she asked. I could see the worry in her eyes.
“Yes, we’ll be fine. I’m just going to get him home and let him rest,” Jeremy assured her.
He lifted me up then, cradling me in his arms as if I weighed nothing and he laid a tender kiss on the side of my head. I watched as understanding dawned in Edith’s gaze and a small smile lifted her mouth, making her eyes crease at the corners.
“Okay. You take good care of my boy Jeremy, and call if you need anything.” Jeremy assured her that he would and then he carried me all the way to my cabin.
I told him he could put me down, but Jeremy ignored me as he reached into my pocket with one hand and retrieved my keys. He unlocked the door and carried me inside then gently set me down in a chair before going back to lock the door. I was still shaking all over, an after effect of the terrible memories that had rushed through me. I had fought to push them away for so long and I was embarrassed that they’d chosen to come out in such a public way.
Jeremy was silent as he knelt in front of me and began untying my shoes. He pulled them off and laid them beside the chair then gently removed my socks. He reached for the hem of my shirt and began tugging it upward.
“Wha…what are y-y-you doing?” I asked through chattering teeth.
“You’re in shock, baby. We need to get you warmed up, so I’m going to help you in the shower, if that’s okay,” he said. His voice was tender, and he stared into my eyes, waiting for me to grant permission. It was too difficult to speak so I nodded my head instead.
Jeremy helped me to my feet. I swayed slightly, and his arms came around my waist, steadying me and locking me into a secure embrace. He kept one arm around me as he led me into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He held my gaze as he unbuckled my pants and let them drop to the floor then he removed his own clothes until we were both left in nothing but our briefs.
Jeremy helped me into the shower and then stepped in, pulling me close until our chests brushed together. I was surrounded by the warmth of his body and the hot water spraying over my back and I groaned with pleasure. My head fell forward and rested against his broad chest as he reached for the soap and began washing me.
There was nothing sexual in his movements, no expectations on his part. The moment had nothing to do with the attraction we had towards each other, but rather one person taking care of another. But that wasn’t right either. I knew in my heart that this was so much more than him just taking care of someone. Jeremy was doing this for me, to show me how much he cared for me. I’d scared him, but instead of demanding answers, he was showing me with his actions how special I was to him.
I closed my eyes and sighed. I loved this man. I was in love with this man. I had never been more certain of anything in my life. He was intelligent and strong, honest and kind and I had never felt safer than I did in his arms. He was remarkable and for whatever reason, he seemed to care about me too. How far his feelings went, I wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter because I loved him, and I would treasure whatever time we had together.
He finished washing me and then quickly washed himself, turning us so he could rinse off under the water. When he was finished, he dried me off and then wrapped me in a towel before pulling my soaked underwear off and dropping them into the tub. I followed him into the bedroom where I climbed under the covers, tossing my towel onto the floor.
Jeremy sat beside me on the edge of the bed, the mattress dipping under his weight. He reached down, smoothing my hair out of my eyes. I stiffened when his gaze trailed over my face and I wondered what he thought when he saw the jagged scar along my eye or the puckered skin which pulled it down at the corner. His expression remained the same though, filled with warmth and tenderness.
“Get some rest. I’ll check on you in the morning,” he whispered. He stood and turned to leave, but I grabbed his wrist and he gave me a questioning look.
“Will you stay, please?” I could see the hesitation in his eyes and his brows furrowed. “I don’t want to be alone, but more than that, I want to be with you.” Jeremy stared at me for a long moment as if he wasn’t sure what I was asking for, so I decided to make myself very clear.
“I want you to make love to me.” My heart was pounding wildly inside my chest, so I was surprised when my voice came out steady.