My shoulders slumped as soon as the door shut behind Jeremy. It hurt to watch him walk away, especially after all the wonderful things he’d said. My heart pleaded with me to go after him, to chase him down and tell him that I loved him too. But my head was even more stubborn as it insisted that Jeremy could still be lying. My gut wanted to side with my heart, but I told them all to shut up and took a shower instead.
I’d slept all day, but I was mentally drained, so after my shower, I slid between the sheets and tried to forget everything that had happened. I woke several hours later feeling more rested, but my head was full of questions. Jeremy had hidden his reasons for being there, could he also have been lying when he said he loved me? Was it all just a ploy to get me to go back to Chicago with him? And who wanted me found in the first place?
I wanted to believe Jeremy. God knows, I wanted to believe him, but I was still too hurt to be able to make sense of things yet. That’s why I’d asked him to leave the night before. It was impossible for me to think clearly when he was around because all I wanted to do then was curl up in the safety of his arms and block out the rest of the world.
The only logical answer I could come up with for the last question was my father. Maybe he was still worried that I’d tell someone the vile things he’d done. Maybe he was tired of always having to look over his shoulder and wanted to finish what he’d started. An icy chill traveled down my spine at the thought.
Perhaps Jeremy was right. Maybe it was time I quit running and went back and faced the monster from my past. For the last seven years, I’d done nothing but keep the secrets of my terrible childhood to myself. Painful and dark, I’d bottled it all up inside, never letting anyone get too close. Until Jeremy, that is.
It had been freeing for me to finally tell my story to someone, and to have Jeremy be so supportive and even angry on my behalf, had meant everything to me. He was the only person, other than my brother, who had ever wanted to protect me. Even our own mother had chosen to take care of herself instead of saving her two young boys.
It made me nauseous to think of coming face-to-face with my father again, but I wasn’t eighteen anymore. I was a grown man who refused to be pushed around. Despite everything else that had happened, I believed Jeremy when he said that he would stand beside me and keep me safe. There was no doubting his strength and protectiveness. It was ingrained in every fiber of his being and I could only imagine that it had made him one hell of an Airman.
An Airman. Jeremy may have retired from the Air Force, but it was obvious that he still very much had the mind of an Airman. I couldn’t imagine blindly following someone else’s orders the way he had with Micah’s. Bitterness filled me at the faceless man who was pulling Jeremy’s strings. Jeremy had explained that they were family, like brothers, but it stung to know that there were other men out there that Jeremy would do anything for.
I knew I was being ridiculous, but I’d naively thought that Jeremy was as alone in the world as I was. There had been a level of comfort in thinking that he might need me as much as I needed him. But he didn’t need me, because he apparently had a whole other family out there who loved him and cared about him.
There was a stirring in my gut that I was familiar with because I’d felt it before. Jealousy. It wasn’t pleasant, but it liked to rear its ugly green head every once in a while. The question was though, was I jealous of the other men for sharing part of Jeremy’s heart or was I jealous that Jeremy had a family when I didn’t?
With a frustrated sigh, I climbed out of bed. I was too wide awake to sleep anymore, and my head refused to settle down. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth then pulled on a pair of swim trunks and grabbed a towel. It was still dark outside, but already it was a balmy eighty degrees. Looked like it was going to be a scorcher of a day once the sun woke up.
I walked to the lake and stood at its edge, looking out over the water. Usually, the lake had a calming effect on me. The placidness of the water, combined with the quiet stillness that was common at that time of the morning, worked to settle my soul. Usually. However, it was different that morning. That morning, my heart felt heavy, filled with the memories of Isaac that had been stirred up and filled with the bitter sting of Jeremy’s betrayal.
He didn’t betray you, a voice in my head whispered. I shook my head angrily, not ready to listen just yet. I stepped into the cool water until it was up to my waist and then dove forward and began swimming underwater. When I reached the center, I turned and floated on my back with my arms stretched out to the sides and my eyes open, staring up at the stars.
The very first time I’d floated on Bradbury Lake in the early morning hours, I’d stared up at the stars. There was one in particular that shone bigger and brighter than all the rest and I’d chosen that one to be Isaac’s star. I hadn’t been embellishing at all when I’d told Jeremy how wonderful my kid brother had been.
Isaac was an amazingly kind, loving and generous boy and I know he would’ve grown up to do tremendous things. I was sure that he would have devoted his life to helping others, possibly even kids like us who had been hurt by those who were supposed to love them the most. He would’ve made a difference in so many lives. If he’d had the chance. If he hadn’t been robbed of having the chance to have a happy, fulfilling life. But he had been robbed of it. Our father had robbed him of the opportunity to follow his dreams, to meet someone and fall in love and have children. He’d robbed him of a life.
Bitterness, swift and fierce, flowed through my veins and my body surged with a determination I’d never felt before. Isaac deserved better than what our father had done to him and I owed it to my brother to finish this thing once and for all. I swam to the edge of the lake instead of swimming my normal laps that morning. There was too much I needed to do, too many things to take care of.
I raced back to my cabin and took a quick shower to wash the lake water out of my hair. Afterwards, I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist. I stood in front of the mirror with my eyes closed, gripping the edges of the sink so hard my knuckles hurt. I’d spent years avoiding mirrors. Other than the short amount of time it took me to shave each morning, I never looked at my own reflection. It had always been too painful to see the irreparable damage done by my father, to see a face I no longer recognized. But that morning, I stood in front of the mirror with a new determination. If I was going to have the strength to face my past, then I should first find the strength to face myself.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly opened my eyes. I winced when I saw the face of a stranger staring back at me. The jawline, was familiar from shaving, but the rest, I’d barely looked at. I looked closely at it now, with a critical eye.
Gone were the rounded cheeks and the fullness of my jaw that I remembered as a kid. Of course, that probably would have disappeared when I’d entered adulthood anyway, I reminded myself. I’d obviously had a very skilled team of surgeons because there were barely traces of the damage that had been done. My nose was narrow with only the slightest bump along the bridge to prove it had ever been broken. My cheekbones were higher and more sculpted than they’d been before, and my forehead was smooth. I gave myself a toothy grin and inspected the teeth that had been replaced after my father had knocked them out.
I swallowed thickly before moving my gaze to the jagged scarring around my right eye. The skin was pulled tighter there, sloping my eye downward at the outer corner. The scar that remained was a silvery color and I could feel the rough, raised skin as I ran my fingertip over it. It was the only outward sign that the events of my past had actually happened. Anyone who had just met me, would never know that this wasn’t the face I’d been born with.
Jeremy had seen the picture of me from before the attack. He said he’d memorized every part of that face. Was he disappointed to see my new face instead? I remembered then the way he would brush my hair back while gazing adoringly at me. The way he would gently trace my scars with his finger and the tender kisses he would place there. Jeremy hadn’t seemed disgusted or disappointed at all, in fact, he’d looked…like a man in love.
Overall it wasn’t a bad face, it would just take some getting used to. I’d always felt ashamed of my scars, because they were a reminder of my failure to defend myself and the guilt at not being able to save my brother.
As I looked at them now, through older, wiser eyes, I saw my scars as a visible reminder of the strength it had taken to survive such a vicious attack. They served as a reminder of how hard I’d fought and the pain I’d endured trying to protect my brother. I stood up at the sink, straightening my shoulders and raising my chin, just a fraction. I was a survivor.
I grabbed my comb and ran it through my wet hair, but this time, I combed the bangs off to the side, away from my eyes. It was time I stopped hiding. A warm feeling traveled throughout my body and I found myself actually smiling at my reflection. I knew that Jeremy had a lot to do with the change in my perception of myself. I hadn’t realized before that every time he looked at me, like I was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, that he was silently encouraging me to look at myself in a new light.
My perception of myself had also changed the moment I found the strength to speak up, to finally tell someone my truth. It had freed me of the shackles of guilt and blame that I’d placed on myself all those years ago and placed them fully on the person responsible. Our father.
I quickly got dressed and headed out the door. The sun was just beginning to peek out over the horizon and I could hear the gentle chirping of birds out in the woods as they began to stir. I climbed in my truck and made the slow trek around the lake. I knew that Edith had worked the night shift again and would still be at the bait shop.
There were several campers set up along the edge of the lake, but they must have all been sleeping because I didn’t see any signs of life as I drove past. Sure enough, Edith’s truck was at the shop, and I pulled up alongside it and killed the engine. I walked into the shop, being careful not to let the door slam behind me. There were no customers inside, but I could hear Edith singing to herself as she moved around in the back room.
“Edith?” I called out, so I wouldn’t startle her. She peeked her head around the corner of the doorway and her face lit up when she saw me.
“Hey there! Give me just a second to wash up. I was cleaning out one of the tanks and I’m covered in gunk,” she said cheerily. I shook my head with a chuckle. I’d never known anyone who liked getting their hands dirty as much as Edith did.
“You want some coffee?” I called out.
“I’d love some, thanks,” she yelled back.
I went to the counter and filled two cups with steaming hot coffee then added cream and sugar to Edith’s, exactly how she liked it. I carried them behind the counter and set them down, then I pulled out a stool and sat down. Edith came out a moment later and sat down beside me. Her gaze traveled over my face, eventually landing on my scar. I watched her closely for signs of distaste or censure, but there were none to be found.
“Are you feeling better, Zach?” she asked, worry causing her forehead to crease as she looked me over for signs of illness. I felt my face heat with shame for having lied to her.
“Edith, I need to talk to you,” I told her seriously.
“You can tell me anything, Zach,” she answered kindly. She turned on her stool, giving me her full attention.
I took a deep breath. “I wasn’t really sick yesterday and my name isn’t Zach. It’s Zane. Zane Wilkinson.” I waited for her anger, knowing that she had every right to fire me and tell me to never come back again, but she didn’t.
Edith tilted her head, a gentle smile curving her lips. “It’s nice to meet you, Zane Wilkinson.”
“You’re not angry?” I asked. She laughed at the surprise in my voice.
“I’ve always known that you were carrying secrets around with you, Zane. It’s in your eyes, in the way you keep everyone at arm’s length. That’s why I was so happy to see you with Jeremy. You’ve smiled more since he showed up than in the whole two years you’ve worked here. That boy’s good for you,” she said.
I ducked my head, staring at the cup in my hands. I hadn’t realized that my secrecy and unwillingness to let people get near had been so obvious to her. Edith had always been very perceptive though and I should’ve known she’d pick up on it.
“I won’t push you, but I do care about you, very much. I’d be willing to listen, anytime,” she said softly.
I lifted my head and met her warm gaze. I started talking then. I told her everything, from my mother’s suicide to my father’s abuse. I told her all about Isaac and the outstanding person he’d been. I told her about the hospital staff’s kindness and how they’d given money to a virtual stranger just to try and help him be safe. I told her how I’d worked odd jobs, desperately searching for somewhere to call home, but that no place had ever quite fit until I’d found Bradbury Lake.
Edith cried throughout my story, but she listened quietly, letting me get it all out. It was easier that time, I realized. The pain eased the more I spoke of what I’d been through. It was as if the more I spoke about my past, the less power it had over me. Finally, I told her about the file I’d found in Jeremy’s room and the fight we’d had after. The only thing I didn’t tell her was the part where Jeremy had told me he loved me. That was something sacred that I wanted to keep, just for myself.
“So, you’re hurt and angry with Jeremy right now,” she said. I nodded my head, even though it was more of a statement than a question.
“Yeah. I mean, I guess he had a job to do, but he lied to me,” I said glumly.
“Listen, I understand why you feel that way and you have every right. He did keep the truth from you and that’s never an easy thing to accept. But you lied too, Zane,” Edith pointed out gently. “We all lie at one point or another and we all have our own reasons for doing so. Sometimes it’s to protect others and sometimes it’s to protect ourselves. Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong?”
“I know, you’re right. I’m certainly guilty of hiding parts of myself too,” I admitted sheepishly.
“You had your reasons, but now, I hope you’ll stop hiding and show the world what an incredible young man you are.” Edith smiled at me and I leaned forward, giving her a hug. She seemed surprised at first, but then her arms wrapped around me.
“Thank you. You’ve been more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was,” I whispered over her shoulder.
“Oh, you’re going to make me cry again,” she sniffled.
I pulled back, and we laughed as we both reached for a tissue at the same time. I talked to Edith for a few more minutes and then I walked out and climbed into the cab of my truck. I looked out the window at the sun shining across the water. Bradbury Lake had been a peaceful refuge for me, but it was time I faced my fears. After seven long years, I was going back to the one place I swore I’d never return. I was going back to Chicago.