“Why don’t we stop, baby? I can’t stand seeing you so upset,” Jeremy pleaded. I could see the worry in his green eyes.
“No, I need to finish this. Just hold onto me, please,” I pleaded.
I didn’t care that I sounded like I was begging. Being in Jeremy’s strong arms made me feel safe in a way I never had before. Like nothing and no one could hurt me when I was with him. With Jeremy, I didn’t always have to be the strong one. I was counting on that strength to help me through the next part of my story; the part that had finally broken me.
“I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. He folded two of our hands together and brought them in between us while his other arm slid around my back, holding me tightly. I took a deep breath and continued.
“Later that night, I made Isaac promise me that if things ever got that bad again that he’d run and not stop until he was somewhere safe. He started to cry and insisted that he could never leave me, but I had to know that he’d be alright no matter what. That was all that mattered to me. I told him that I’d get away too and I’d find him. He finally agreed, but I could tell he didn’t want to. I didn’t care though. It was the only way I could guarantee his safety, and I knew he wouldn’t break his promise to me, so I made him do it.” My fingers dug into the back of Jeremy’s hand as I squeezed harder, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“I graduated and while the beatings continued, they were never as bad as that one night. I got the scholarship I’d worked for at a state school, but I made up an excuse and convinced them to hold my spot for a year. There was no way I was going to leave Isaac alone with our father. That summer was one of the roughest with our father. We tried to stay out of the house as much as possible.
“We worked as many shifts as we could, taking the tips that our father didn’t know about and saving them for the apartment we would get near the college. Still, Dad would be waiting for us every night as soon as we walked in the door. After every beating, I’d take Isaac into the bathroom and while we tended to each other’s wounds, we’d talk about the place we would get together. We talked about silly things, like what color we would paint the walls or how we would take turns cooking each night; anything, just to remind us that there was an end in sight, that we would eventually find some peace.” I closed my eyes as I remembered the dreams we’d had, dreams that had never come true.
“Summer ended, and Isaac started his senior year of high school. About a month later, Isaac didn’t have school one day because of some holiday or something. We tried to pick up a shift at work, but it was slow, and our boss didn’t need us at work, so we both ended up stuck at home for the day. Dad was sleeping off a bender from the night before and Isaac and I were trying to be as quiet as possible, so we wouldn’t wake him.”
An involuntary shudder coursed through my body as the memories of that horrific night flashed through my mind. The sounds, the smells, the burning pain throughout my body. All of it came flooding in again and it was just as overwhelming as the night Jeremy had gotten in that fight. My stomach churned, and I pinched my lips together, breathing through my nose to keep myself from throwing up. Jeremy pressed a kiss to my forehead, reminding me that I was no longer in that place, that I was safe with him.
“I was washing dishes and I went to hand a plate to Isaac for him to dry, but it slipped through his fingers and crashed to the floor. I knew what was about to happen and that we only had a matter of seconds to get out of the house, so I shoved Isaac towards the door. I was right on his heels, but rough hands grabbed at me and pulled me backwards, throwing me onto the floor. I’d never seen Dad’s face so purple or his eyes so black, so completely devoid of humanity. It was like looking into the eyes of the devil himself.
“He started wailing on me, hitting me over and over again with his big, meaty fists. I fought back as much as I could, but there was no stopping him when he was like that. I started to crawl away, and Isaac jumped on his back. I was equally proud of my brother and terrified for him, especially when I saw my father throw him across the room.
“Dad grabbed me again and started punching me in the face. He’d never hit us anywhere that wouldn’t be concealed by our clothes. The dead look in my father’s eyes that day, combined with the fact that he didn’t care where he was hitting me…I knew then that he didn’t plan on stopping. He’d keep going until he killed me. I had to get Isaac out of there.” A muffled sound escaped Jeremy’s throat just then and his hands gripped me almost painfully, but he stayed quiet, letting me finish.
“I could feel my bones breaking and blood ran down the back of my throat, choking me. More blood dripped into my eyes when I turned my head to search for Isaac. He was slumped against the cabinet and ice ran through my veins at the thought of him being seriously injured and me being unable to help him. Then he lifted his head, and through my relief, I screamed at him to run. Tears were running down his face, but he gave me a determined look as he shook his head no. He scrambled to his feet and jumped on Dad’s back again, trying to get him off of me. I couldn’t let Dad turn his attention on my brother though, so I screamed at Isaac again, reminding him that he’d promised me.”
I was crying hard at that point. Tears flowed in a continuous stream and I sucked in wheezing gasps of air as my throat tightened. Remembering that day was excruciating, but I knew I had to get it all out. I was exhausted from keeping it bottled up for all those years and I needed to purge it from my soul. Sweat broke out over my brow, but I pushed on.
“I watched my brother’s heart break right there in that kitchen. I knew he didn’t want to go. He was afraid to leave me there with our father. I wanted to go with him. More than anything, I wanted to go with him and get us both somewhere safe, but I was in no condition to run and I could feel myself growing weaker from the blood loss.
“I could see the battle that waged inside him, the fear and the indecision as he stared back at me with eyes the same shape and color as my own. It was probably only a couple of seconds, but it felt like time slowed down as we stared at each other. Everything we’d been through, the love we felt for each other and the promises we’d made, it was all there in that one look. I saw the second he made his decision and I sagged in relief. Isaac would hold true to his promise and he’d run. I remember smiling, even as my father roared above me and his face came flying towards my face.
“I blacked out after that and I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the hospital. The nurse told me that someone had found me, lying unconscious outside the emergency room doors. I’d undergone multiple surgeries and they’d had to reconstruct most of my face.” I reached up and ran a finger over the raised skin by my eye. A visible reminder of my past. “They weren’t able to fix all the damage though.”
Jeremy pulled my hand up and brushed a kiss over my knuckles. “Shhh. You’re perfect,” he assured me. I tried to smile, but it probably came out more like a grimace. I was exhausted, but I still had the worst part to get through.
“I never told the doctors or nurses what happened. I didn’t know if Isaac got away before I blacked out and I couldn’t risk my dad finding out I’d told if there was a chance he still had my brother. I left the hospital as soon as they removed the bandages, a month after they’d found me. I had no idea where Isaac was, and I needed to look for him. I went back to our house first, just in case he was still there. If he was, I’d sneak him out of there and if he wasn’t, then I’d move heaven and earth to find him, just like I’d promised.” Fresh tears filled my eyes and I tried to hold back the sob that threatened to burst from my chest.
“I was sneaking around in the bushes, peering through each of the windows in search of my brother. That’s when Mrs. Sheldon, our elderly neighbor, came outside. She’d seen me out there and didn’t recognize me, so she came to investigate before she called the cops. She seemed surprised when I told her who I was, but then her eyes filled with sorrow. She t-told…” I stuttered, trying to force the words out. “Sh-she t-told m-me that I-Isaac was d-dead.” My heart splintered apart, just as it had all those years ago and I buried my face in Jeremy’s neck, crying harder than I had in seven years.
Jeremy held me until I was all cried out and my sobs had quieted into gentle hiccups. He kissed my cheeks, brushing my tears away with his thumbs. My throat was hoarse when I finally spoke again.
“Mrs. Sheldon’s words had kept ringing in my ears. ‘It’s so sad. He was far too young to die,’ she’d told me sadly. I hadn’t heard anything else she’d said at that point and barely noticed the sorrow on her wrinkled face or the soft touch as she laid her hand on my shoulder. Eventually she’d walked away and back into her house.
“Everything I’d ever cared about, the one person in my life who I’d loved the most and who had loved me unconditionally, was gone; ripped from my life by a cold, heartless monster. I started to gag and turned to throw up in the bushes until there was nothing left inside me. I’d stared up at the house for a while. The place that should’ve served as a sanctuary, a respite from the bitter rest of the world. Instead, that house had shown me nothing but misery and loss, sorrow and excruciating pain. There was nothing left for me inside those walls, nothing I cared about anyway.
“In hindsight, I probably should’ve gone to the police and told them what my father had done. But at the time, I was an eighteen-year-old kid who was still recovering from surgery after being viciously attacked. I was scared and alone and devastated by the loss of my brother, and all I wanted was to get as far away from there as possible,” I admitted quietly.
“The nurses had given me some money, so I could try to get away from whatever bully or gang they’d imagined had attacked me. I took the money and ran to the nearest bus stop. I didn’t care where I ended up as long as it was far from Chicago. I decided on the bus ride to start going by Zach. I didn’t want to be myself anymore. I got as far as Indiana and was lucky enough to get a job at some diner on my first night. The owner lived above the diner and he let me sleep on his couch. I stayed there a couple of months and then moved on when he decided he’d rather I sleep in his bed instead.” Jeremy growled low in his throat and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
My chuckle turned into a loud yawn though and I realized that it was nearly morning. We’d been talking all night and I was physically and emotionally drained. As if he’d read my thoughts, he picked up his phone and called Edith who was working the night shift at the bait shop. He explained that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to take the day off and that he’d be taking care of me. I heard her through the line, telling him to take good care of her boy and call her if we needed anything. Jeremy assured her he would and then ended the call. He got up and left the room but was back a moment later with a warm washcloth. He sat down on the side of the bed and tenderly wiped away the tears that had dried in a path down my cheeks. When he was finished, he tossed the washcloth into the hamper and climbed beneath the covers with me.
He opened his arms and I slid into his warm embrace. I rested my head on his chest, comforted by the steady beat of his heart beneath my cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered as my eyes grew heavy.
“Sleep now, baby. No one will ever hurt you again. Not as long as I’m around,” he promised. As I drifted off to sleep, I prayed that Jeremy would stay with me forever.
I slept all through the day and by the time I woke, it was starting to get dark outside again. I could hear the shower running, so I climbed out of bed, groaning as I stretched my stiff muscles. A nice hot shower with a very sexy, soapy man sounded perfect, I thought. But first, I walked around, gathering the dirty clothes we’d tossed on the floor when we’d stripped each other down the night before.
I picked up Jeremy’s shirt by the front door, smiling as I remembered how hungry we’d been for each other. I’d never met a man like Jeremy before. He was smart and funny, strong and protective, compassionate and caring. I still wasn’t sure what he saw in me or how long it would last before he decided to move on. Whenever that day came, I knew that Jeremy would take the last piece of my heart with him. I wouldn’t have it in me to ever love someone again, but I was going to enjoy being with him as long as I possibly could.
I tossed the dirty clothes into the wash and shut the lid. I ran back to the bedroom and grabbed a condom out of the drawer. I had a feeling we were going to need it. I slid the drawer closed and started to turn when something caught my eye on the floor. It was a file folder and it was sticking out from underneath the bed.
Assuming it had fallen off the table, I picked it up and started to lay it there. A picture fluttered from the inside and landed faceup on the floor. My face scrunched up and I bent down to retrieve it, sure that I was only imagining things. I held the photo up and my hands began to shake as my own face, the way it used to look, stared back at me. I felt the blood drain from my face and my head began to spin, so I quickly sat down on the edge of the bed.
I couldn’t understand how it came to be there, at the lake, in Jeremy’s cabin. My hands were still shaking as I reached for the folder. I held my breath as I slowly opened the file, dread making my stomach twist painfully. I bit my lip to hold back a sob as I began reading the information typed on the sheets of paper inside.
It was all there in black and white. My real name and birthdate, a description of my physical appearance as well as my medical history from the hospital, both from my time there and previous injuries they’d discovered when they’d run tests on me.
My eyes filled with tears and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. Dropping the file, I ran from the room. I heard the shower shut off as I ran past the bathroom, but I didn’t stop. I grabbed my shoes from the front room and ran outside, slamming the door behind me as I went. I stopped at the bottom of the front steps, long enough to pull my shoes on and then I was off again, running towards the safety of my cabin where I could lock the door behind me and try to forget that I’d ever seen Jeremy’s face.