I grabbed the bottle of body wash from the shelf and squeezed some into my open palm. The crisp, clean scent of the soap and the warm water streaming over my body helped to clear the remaining cobwebs from my mind. I hadn’t slept well at all. Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured the horrific things Zane had told me.
Listening to the heartbreaking story of his past had nearly destroyed me. I’d never known my father, but I’d had a mother who was loving and kind and who devoted her entire life to making sure I never did without. I couldn’t imagine her ever raising a hand to me in anger or me being afraid of her. But Zane and his brother had felt that way nearly every day of their lives.
I couldn’t imagine the pain he’d endured, both physically and psychologically. The fact that he was still such a kind and gentle man after suffering so much cruelty was nothing short of a miracle. He was a one of a kind man though. I didn’t know many eighteen-year-olds who would be willing to sacrifice themselves to save their brother.
I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh as I thought of the other reason I’d lain awake most of the night. With everything he’d told me, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the Zane I’d been looking for. I’d loved working alongside him every day, talking with him and getting to know him. It hurt to know that I was going to have to give that all up, but as much as I wanted to, I could no longer hide from the truth.
Micah was counting on me to take Zane back to Chicago, but as much as I loved and respected my boss, my loyalties had changed since I’d arrived at the lake. I no longer cared about following orders. My first priority and my only concern was Zane’s well-being. I still hoped to take Zane back to Chicago, but my reasons for it had changed. Before, I was going to take him there simply because Micah had asked me to. Now, I would be taking him there so he could face whatever demons from his past had come searching for him. But he wouldn’t be facing them alone. Whatever Micah’s reasons for wanting Zane brought back, I would be standing by his side.
That was, if he let me. It was going to be difficult to tell him the truth. I was sure he’d feel betrayed when he discovered why I was really there, but I would do my best to convince him that he wasn’t alone any more. I needed to tell him I loved him and that if he’d have me, he’d never have to be alone again.
I had just turned the shower off when the sound of a door slamming caught my attention. I grabbed a towel from the rack as I climbed out of the shower and wrapped it around my waist, not bothering to dry off. I stepped out of the bathroom and peered down the hallway into the living room.
The clothes that had been lying on the floor were gone and I could hear the gentle whirring of the washing machine. The sound I’d heard must’ve been Zane starting the laundry, I thought. Smiling at his thoughtfulness, I walked to the bedroom. I think my man deserves a reward. I pulled the towel free from my waist and began drying my face and chest as I walked into the room.
“Thank you for starting the wash, baby, but you didn’t have to do…” My voice trailed off and my jaw dropped as I saw the file I had on Zane and all of its contents spilled across the floor.
It felt like an icy finger was trailing its way down the length of my spine and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or throw up. I spun around, hoping Zane would still be there, that he’d give me a chance to explain, but the room was empty, and a feeling of dread filled me.
My heart was racing as I rushed to throw on some clothes. I choked back tears at the thought of him somewhere all alone, feeling hurt and betrayed. I’d caused all of this, and it was time I made it right. I knew he probably hated me and never wanted to see me again, but I had to get him to listen. I had to explain.
I raced out the front door and straight to his cabin, praying the whole way that he was still there and that he hadn’t disappeared again. At that point, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the assignment I was on. I couldn’t lose the man I loved.
I slowed down as I got nearer to his cabin and nearly doubled over with relief when I saw his truck in the driveway. I gulped in a deep breath and held it for several seconds before blowing the air back out through pursed lips. Once my breathing had leveled out a bit, I climbed the steps.
His door was locked so I went to knock instead, but my fist froze halfway there as I heard the muffled sound of Zane crying through the door. A burning sensation spread throughout my chest and I opened my hand, laying my open palm on the door instead. My forehead fell forward, landing against the door. Tears streamed down my face as the sounds of his cries continued, echoing throughout my heart. The man I loved was in pain. So much pain had already been inflicted on him throughout his life, but that time, it was all my fault.
“Zane? Baby, please open the door. Please, give me the chance to explain,” I begged.
“Just go away,” came his shaky reply.
“No. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t leave you when you’re hurting,” I insisted.
“I wouldn’t be hurting if it wasn’t for you! I trusted you!” he shouted.
His words delivered a direct hit like a flaming arrow and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I turned around and slid my back down the door. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, as if by folding my body tightly enough, I could keep my heart from shattering.
“Oh, God, baby. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I repeated over and over.
I cried for several minutes; deep, heart-wrenching sobs. He was absolutely right. I was the reason for his pain. I should go back to my cabin, pack my things and leave. I should lie to Micah and tell him that I’d had the wrong man and that Zane had never been found.
An image popped into my head. It was the memory of my first morning there, when I’d seen Zane floating in the water, his face tilted up and his eyes closed. He’d looked so serene, so peaceful. I knew now how few chances he’d had in his life to feel at peace. And then I’d barged in and destroyed that for him. Shame weighed down on me and I bent my head under its pressure.
Still, I couldn’t make myself walk away. I knew that what Zane and I had between us was real and I refused to believe otherwise. Brushing away the wetness from my cheeks, I stood up and tried again.
“Zane, please, let me in. Let me talk to you. I know you probably have a million questions and you feel betrayed and that’s my fault. That’s all on me, but please, give me the chance to explain,” I pleaded. It was quiet for several seconds and I held my breath as I waited. Finally, he spoke.
“I do have a lot of questions, but the one I want answered the most is, was it all a lie? Everything that happened between us. Was it all just some twisted part of whatever game you’re playing?” I could hear the pain in his voice and it nearly brought me to my knees.
“No, baby. None of that was a lie. Please, believe me. The way I feel about you, my desire to get close to you, that was all real. It had nothing to do with your past or why I’m here.” I caught myself. No, I needed to be fully honest with him if I wanted any kind of chance at him believing me.
“Okay, so maybe at first it did. I needed to get to know you, so I could try and figure out who you were. But that only lasted as long as that first day. Once I started talking with you, as I got to know you and saw the way you treated the people and the animals around here. When I heard you laugh the first time and debated with you over politics and religion. The times when it felt like there was no one else in the entire world except you and me, that was all real.
“It stopped being about who you were before, and it became about who you are now. The man whose blue eyes sparkle when he laughs. The man who hates scary movies but can walk through the woods all alone at night without batting an eye. It became about the man who steals my breath away every time he smiles and who I can’t imagine not holding in my arms ever again.” I stopped as that thought burned through me. I held my fist in front of my mouth as I fought to hold back a scream.
I sucked in a gasp as I heard the lock click and the door slowly slid open. Zane stood on the other side of it, a wary look in his eyes. His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed from crying. A trail of tears still rested on his cheeks and his hair was messy, like he’d been running his hands through it.
I stepped towards him, my hand outstretched, but he stepped away from me and turned his back. My arm dropped down and my hand fisted at my side. He had every reason to refuse my touch, to not trust me, but it was the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do to stand there and watch him suffering without being allowed to comfort him. I’d have given anything to be able to pull him into my arms and show him exactly how real my feelings for him were. I had to give him time though. I was just grateful that he’d opened the door.
Zane didn’t say a word as he walked over to the couch and sat down on one end. His back was ramrod straight, and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself as he kept his gaze on the floor, refusing to meet my eyes. I followed him and looked down at the couch. I knew I only had one chance to get this right and I didn’t want to scare him off, so I sank down at the other end, leaving the cushion between us empty. Minutes ticked by with neither of us saying a word. My mind raced with where I should start. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and having him turn me away.
“Why are you here? Who sent you?” Zane asked, breaking the silence. His voice was flat as if he were asking about the weather, but I could see the tension in his eyes and the rigid set of his shoulders. I knew him inside and out and I knew that he was suffering.
My voice trembled as I began to explain, and I stopped to clear my throat. “I work for a place in Chicago called Hamilton Security. It’s a firm made up of all ex-military personnel, specifically those who served in the special forces and have particular skill sets. Mine is in search and rescue.”
Zane leaned back in his seat, but his eyes remained straight ahead. “So, that part was true? About you being a pararescueman?”
“Yes,” I breathed. “Everything I’ve told you about myself is true. I spent twelve years in the Air Force then decided to retire when my mom passed away. I went back home to Boston, but then I got a call one day from Micah Hamilton in Chicago. He was putting together an elite team of former spec ops and he wanted me to come work for him. I flew out, met him and his crew and decided to take the job.”
“What is your job exactly?” he asked. His eyes flitted over to me, briefly, but it brought a spark of hope to my heart.
“Pretty much anything Micah assigns to me. Sometimes I’ve installed high-tech security systems in rich people’s houses. Other times, I’ve acted as a bodyguard for politicians or Hollywood celebrities,” I explained.
Zane shook his head and he turned, holding my gaze for the first time. “Rich people and celebrities? I’m neither of those things, so how did you end up looking for me?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Micah asked me to. I don’t know why,” I answered honestly.
He looked away, running his hands over his face then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I don’t even know where to start with all of this,” he sighed.
“Ask me anything you want. I promise, I’ll tell you everything I know,” I assured him. He grunted at that and I stared down at my hands, tightly clasped in my lap. I knew I deserved his distrust, but still, it stung. I missed the easy conversations and the laughter I was used to sharing with him. Will we ever have that again?
“Who is this Micah to you, other than your boss? He sounds like he’s someone important,” Zane said. I thought I detected a touch of jealousy in his words, but it may have just been wishful thinking on my part.
“Micah is one of the best men I know. He’s strong and intelligent and he’d do anything to protect the people he loves,” I told him.
“Does he love you?” Zane asked sharply.
“Yes,” I answered. Zane’s head swiveled, and his eyes widened. I held my hand up to stop him as he opened his mouth to speak. “It’s not what you think. Micah loves me the same way he loves all the men who work for him, like brothers. We’re a family there and Mary, the office manager, is like a mother to us all. I met them right after I left the military and had buried my mother. They’re really great people and they became my family at a time when I felt all alone in the world.” Zane turned his head and his eyes traveled over my face, looking for the truth in my words.
“What did you mean when you said you didn’t know why you were sent to find me?” he asked.
“I meant exactly that. Usually when Micah hands me an assignment to find someone, it comes with an extensive background on the person. With you, I only had the information provided in that file. I didn’t know anything about your parents or that you even had a brother. I knew from the hospital reports that you’d been beaten, but not who was responsible,” I told him.
“All I had was the basic information and a picture that’s at least ten years old. The assignment was different in another way, too,” I said.
“How so?” Zane asked. He’d pulled one leg up on the couch and turned to face me. His fingers still fidgeted in his lap, but he seemed to have let his guard down considerably since I’d walked in.
“Typically, when I’m sent to find someone, it’s because they’re wanted for some kind of illegal activity. We’re often hired, unofficially, of course, by the Chicago PD to help search for persons through channels that they can’t always use within the confines of their rules and regulations. With some of those people being dangerous criminals, Micah will tell me to bring them back using any means necessary. Except for killing, of course. We don’t involve ourselves in anything like that.
“With your case, however, I was told to find you and bring you back without using any force. That told me that this was more of a personal request from Micah. That he wanted it to be your choice to go back with me,” I explained.
Zane’s forehead scrunched in confusion. “But I don’t know your boss. I’ve never heard of Micah Hamilton in my life. What reason would he have for wanting to find me?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Do you have any friends from school who might be looking for you? Or maybe one of your grandparents had a change of heart and wanted to reach out to you,” I suggested.
“No, from what my mom told me, all our grandparents were old when my parents got married. They’re probably all dead by now. And I doubt it’s any of my classmates from school. I made a few friends on the team, but of course, I wasn’t ever able to hang out with them after school, so we never got close. Those friendships drifted away as soon as we graduated.” He shook his head, rubbing a finger over his bottom lip as he considered the possibilities.
“The only person I know in Chicago…” His eyes nearly bugged out of his head and he stood quickly. His fingers clasped behind his head and his elbows came together in front of his face as he began pacing back and forth.
I stood too, rushing to his side. I didn’t even think before I reached out and placed my hands on his waist. He was still wearing my shorts from the night before and I tried not to notice the feel of his warm, smooth skin under my fingers. Zane stopped pacing, but he didn’t push me away. I could hear his quick breaths as he fought his building panic.
“If your father is the one behind all this, we need to face him head-on and end this once and for all. He can’t be allowed to poison your life any more than he already has. It’s time he paid for the hell he’s put you through. He needs to be stopped once and for all,” I insisted firmly. Zane dropped his arms at his sides and stared at me. He looked so scared and unsure and it broke my heart. It was time to lay all my cards on the table.
“Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about why I was here. I was following orders. I know that’s probably difficult for you to understand, but I spent years in the military and regardless of what it is when your commander tells you to do something, you do it. No questions asked. So, I followed Micah’s orders and I searched for you. When I found you, I was told to get to know you because Micah wanted to be absolutely sure I had the right man before I took you back with me.” I looked directly in his eyes, making sure he’d hear me loud and clear. I just hoped he believe my words.
“I never dreamed I would find the most incredible man in the world. A man who makes me feel like I’m invincible while simultaneously bringing me to my knees. A man who makes my heart stop and start all at the same time. I never counted on finding my very best friend and my lover all in one. I never counted on finding you.” Zane’s eyes swam with tears and his bottom lip quivered.
My hand was shaky as I reached out and brushed his hair off his forehead, exposing his scars. I didn’t want him hiding from me, not any more. “I love you and it doesn’t matter if you go by Zach or Zane or a million other names. I am completely, one hundred percent in love with the person you are in here,” I said, laying the flat of my hand over his heart.
His face crumpled, and he bit down on his bottom lip. I could see the mixture of fear, worry and hope in his eyes. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his scars, kissing them tenderly before I pulled back.
“Will you go back to Chicago with me, Zane? Will you let me stand by your side as you put an end to the demons that continue to haunt you?” I asked. He stared at me for several seconds and my heart sank when he began to slowly back away from me.
“I want to be alone. I need time to think before I make any decisions.” His chin came up a fraction of an inch and I saw the determination in his eyes. He wasn’t going to be strong-armed into doing anything he didn’t want to do. Pride filled my chest and hope soared at the fact that he wasn’t turning me away. Not yet, anyway.
I nodded. I’d give him the time he’d asked for. I’d give him all the time he needed because it was the least he deserved. He needed to feel comfortable with whatever decision he made and everyone else would have to either wait for him to reach that decision or deal with me. As difficult as it was to walk away from him, I respected him enough to do it. I turned and walked toward the door, but his voice stopped me just as I reached for the doorknob.
“So, how did you end up here? I look nothing like the boy in the picture anymore. How did you know it was me?” he asked quietly. I turned back around. His arms were wrapped around himself once again in a protective gesture and his face showed a raw vulnerability.
“I’d been searching for you for many months and I was starting to think that Micah had given me an impossible assignment. I was actually on my way to Columbus when I stopped to get a bite to eat at that truck stop. You walked in and when our eyes met, it was like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I’d spent countless hours staring at that picture, memorizing everything about the boy in it, but the thing that always drew me in the most was his eyes. As soon as I looked in your eyes, my gut told me that I’d found the man I was looking for. I just didn’t realize how true that was until I started falling in love with you. So, as for how I ended up here, maybe it was chance, fate or just plain dumb luck, but whatever it was, I’ll always be grateful.” I gave him a small smile and then opened the door and walked out.