I’m a nervous wreck by the time Saturday comes around because this afternoon, my son is going to meet his biological father.
I knew that Ryan would come back to Chicago at some point, but I was never sure whether he would want to see his son. He was not in a good place when he left last year and as much as Sean and Sam tried to help him, he didn’t seem to want to help himself.
But after our phone conversation last week, I have a small sliver of hope that maybe he might want to step up to the plate where Brody is concerned.
That brings up a whole host of other issues though, like how Thomas feels about this whole situation.
As much as he has tried to assure me that he is okay with today’s meeting, he’s been distracted all week. But he has been with us whenever he’s not working. He’s slept in my bed every night this week and although I might be looking for problems where there aren’t any, I swear he’s been touching me more, holding me longer and squeezing me just a little bit tighter.
I am so thankful he’s coming with us today. We’re meeting Ryan at one o’clock at the children’s zoo in Lincoln Park. It’ll give us a good hour until Brody’s due for his afternoon nap and therefore, not put too much pressure on anyone—especially Ryan—for this first meeting.
“Stop chewing your nails,” Thomas says, walking out of the kitchen with Brody on his hip. “I like it when you dig them into my back and you won’t be able to do that if you bite them all off.”
Dropping my hand, I look up from the couch and meet his amused eyes, still loving the way he looks with my son.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen today. I hate not knowing what to expect.”
Thomas crosses the room, setting Brody down on his blanket and handing him his favorite toy truck before sitting down and pulling me sideways into his lap. He wraps an arm around my waist and cups my jaw with his hand as I turn to face him.
“You do know I am capable of talking without being in your lap.”
“I like you here,” he says with a gentle squeeze. “Now tell me what’s really going on.”
“What if he doesn’t like him?” I say quietly.
“It’s impossible not to love Brody.”
“I mean, what if Brody doesn’t like Ryan.”
His brow furrows and his body tenses beneath me. That hit a nerve.
“You’re always going to have me, sweetness. I’m not going anywhere.” Wow, nothing gets past this guy does it?
“I—” His fingers flex on my face.
“Amy, I’m here for you and I’m here for Brody. He may not be my blood but I love him as if he was, just as I love you unconditionally. We’ll get through today, we’ll get through tomorrow and everything else life decides to throw at us. Whatever happens, I am here.”
I breathe out a huge sigh of relief. It’s not that I didn’t know how Thomas felt about us but right now, I really needed to hear that.
I dip my head and kiss him, starting out soft and slow, wanting to show him how grateful I am to have him in my life. But as always, the light lip touch morphs into something more—something deeper and harder—as the need to reassure myself takes over.
When we finally break apart, I rest my forehead against his as we breathe each other in and recover.
“We need to get going,” he says roughly, his voice betraying just how affected he still is after our kiss.
“Yeah.”
“I love you, sweetness. Always remember that. Okay?”
For words that should reassure me, so why does that unsettle me?
Thirty minutes later and we’re standing at the entrance to the zoo when I see Ryan and Sean walking along the path toward us.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter under my breath. Thomas wraps his arm around my hips and gives my hip a gentle squeeze.
He turns his head so his mouth is by my ear, “It’s going to be fine. Relax.”
“I need a valium, or vodka . . . maybe both,” I whisper, earning a chuckle from Thomas.
“I’ll give you whatever you need when we get home.”
“Well, that’s something to look forward to at least,” I murmur just as the men reach us. Sean looks at me with soft eyes—a rare and treasured occurrence—before shaking Thomas’s hand and clapping him on the shoulder.
“Hey,” I say to Ryan who’s notably standing back from us. His eyes are glued on our son who’s sitting up in the stroller, happily babbling away to his stuffed giraffe toy that Thomas bought him on our last trip to the zoo.
“Ry?” Sean says, narrowing his eyes as his brother stands stock-still, staring at Brody.
Ryan’s eyes move up to me, and I’m shocked to see they’re wet.
“Ahh . . . sorry,” he says, swiping at his face. “I didn’t expect him to be so big. You’ve done an amazing job, Amz.” I don’t know what it is, but I sag into Thomas’s side at Ryan’s words.
“Sweetness?” Thomas asks, pulling me into him.
I swallow down the lump in my throat and look up, his face full of concern. “We can—”
“No, I’m fine.” I stand up straight and look at Ryan, smiling at him. “Should we go find somewhere to sit down? I know Brody would probably love to get out onto the grass.” I point over to a clearing in the park.
“Yeah, sounds good,” Ryan replies gruffly.
Once Thomas has pulled Brody out of the stroller, he hands him to me and gives me a grin and a wink before moving over to the park bench and taking a seat beside Sean.
Sitting down cross-legged on the grass, I put Brody down, letting him lean against me. Ryan joins us but gives us space. He still seems incapable of tearing his eyes away from our son.
“I can’t get over how he looks. He’s like the perfect mix of you and me.”
I hook a hand around Brody’s tummy as he lurches forward, the blades of grass his chosen target.
“No, baby, you can’t eat that.” Of course he doesn’t care what I say because he’s almost seven months old and already has a mind of his own. I lift him up, holding him out to Ryan.
“I, um . . . shit,” he says as he awkwardly places his hands around Brody’s back and pulls him down to sit in his lap. Brody’s face scrunches up and he balls his hands into tight little fists.
I scoot over and hold his hand, his body relaxing when he sees me there with him. Ryan’s face totally gives him away, he’s tense and unsure of what to do and Brody is picking up on it.
Turning my head, I look over to Thomas and Sean. The latter giving me a reassuring chin lift but I don’t miss Thomas’s expression before he tries to hide it from me. He smiles but it is half-hearted at best. His eyes are stuck on Brody sitting in Ryan’s lap, and maybe me kneeling next to them too. His mouth is moving and he’s nodding at whatever Sean is saying, but his squared shoulders and twitching jaw speaks volumes.
A wail from Brody grabs my attention and Ryan quickly hands him back to me. Brody looks over my shoulder and holds his arms out, wanting Thomas and grunting his disapproval when he can’t reach him, something Ryan definitely doesn’t miss.
“Are you happy?” he asks, shocking the shit out of me.
Cradling Brody against my shoulder, I rub his back and meet Ryan’s eyes. “Yeah, I really am.”
He opens his mouth to say something else but decides otherwise, closing it again. We sit there in silence, Ryan’s arms crossed over his chest, his body language definitely of a man who’s shutting down emotionally. It soon becomes obvious that I’m going to have to be the one to say what we’re both thinking.
“Ryan, I know you’re probably feeling guilty about leaving and I definitely know that this whole situation is probably a lot to take in right now.”
“You got that right.”
“But really,” I say, reaching out and putting my hand on his arm. “I might’ve been hard at the start but I’ve got a lot of people in my life that have helped me.”
“Thomas?”
“Especially him. But Sean and Sam too, my dad and stepmom, everyone.”
“That’s good, Amz, and I’m really glad that you have that. I just . . . I just don’t see where I fit into all of this.”
Brody starts to fuss again, wriggling against me and wanting to be anywhere but here.
“I’ll take him,” Thomas says from beside us, and never have I been more grateful for this man of mine than right now. I smile up at him as he grabs Brody from me. His mouth is tight and I can’t read what he’s thinking, and I can usually always read him.
Watching my boys walk away, I see Thomas’s whole demeanor change and he’s grinning at my son, bouncing him in his arms and making Brody squeal with glee.
Turning back to Ryan, I see his eyes watching the scene play out in front of us too.
“I could never be like that, the way he is with him. It’s just not me,” he says and I can see the pain in his features. There’s a lot of regret there.
“I may have been mad at the time, but if you’d never left, I wouldn’t have the life I have now, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.”
“I have something I need to talk to you about. Do you think we could meet this week?”
Tilting my head, I study him for a moment. “You can tell me anything, Ryan. What’s this abo—”
“Amz?” Thomas calls out to me.
Ryan moves toward the park bench where the guys are sitting and the amused look on Thomas and Sean’s faces have me snorting like a pig as I grin at them.
“Brody decided to mark the occasion with a number three,” Thomas announces, making Sean laugh. “There’s no way we can clean him up here. We probably need to go back to the car because this load is going to take an army of supplies.”
I shake my head and snicker. “Okay, well it looks like we’re going then.” I grab hold of the stroller and turn to Ryan. “I’m sorry, but my son—our son—has an amazing talent when it comes to filling his diaper.”
Ryan scrunches his nose up. “Is that smell coming from him?” he asks, sounding horrified.
I laugh at him, just this comical moment showing me how far he’s got to go to be ready for anything resembling an unsupervised visit.
“Do you think you could come over to Sean’s place one day next week? We really need to talk about stuff,” Ryan asks.
I scan his face, looking for any sign that I’m going to like this talk or not.
“I should be able to. I’ll just need to check with Thomas and—”
“Can he watch Brody for you? So that we can talk?” Jeez, he really wants this.
“Should be fine but I’ll text you tonight and let you know, okay?”
He sighs, his shoulders dropping in obvious relief.
“You guys all good?” Sean asks, sidling up to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Thomas has gone to deal with Brody’s attempt at wiping out world disease, one poop at a time.” Shit. I didn’t even realize he’d left.
I look around to see Thomas and Brody twenty feet down the path in the direction of the parking lot. “Crap. I better go help him.” I give Sean a squeeze and kiss his cheek before taking a step toward Ryan to do the same but suddenly stopping myself in an awkward mid-hug stance.
Ryan’s lips twitch whereas his brother just straight out laughs. “Never change, Amz.” Sean wraps his hand around my head and brushes his lips against my temple before moving away.
I flip them both off and wave to them over my shoulder as I run after Thomas letting Brody’s stroller lead the way.
As far as the first-time meeting between my baby and the biological father, that was weird and at times I could tell Ryan was uncomfortable—okay, way out of his element—but I imagine most newbie parents are like that, especially when they have no experience with babies.
Overall though, I don’t think it was a complete disaster, as long as you forget that I was wound so tight it’s a wonder I didn’t bust a nut or something. And let’s not forget that Brody—although normally the easiest baby in the world—didn’t seem to want anything to do with Ryan, instead wanting Mommy or Thomas.
Other than that, I think today went well.
I catch up to my boys just as they reach Thomas’s SUV.
“Hey, want some help?” I say snaking my arms around his waist from behind.
He looks over his shoulder and grins at me. “I’m game if you are . . .” He hands over my very smelly and adorably-happy-about-it son and shakes his head, his lips curling up in what could only be a mix of disgust and amusement. “But next time, let’s bring gas masks.”
With the light in his eyes and the smirk on his face, the tight coil in my stomach eases and all is right in the world again.
Now I’ve just got to get through whatever Ryan wants to talk to me about and life will be peachy.