It shouldn’t bother me.
I’ve never been the type of man to feel insecure or even unsure of himself in any situation—getting chlamydia notwithstanding of course.
But something about Ryan turning back up on the scene has unsettled me.
I can admit it now. Seeing him holding Brody in his arms felt wrong. It shouldn’t get to me so much. I shouldn’t let it get to me so much. I spent the whole time stiff as a board, something that Sean did not miss.
“You’ve got nothing to worry about, Thomas. I promise you.”
Tearing my eyes away—more for my sanity than anything else—I turned toward my friend.
“I really want to believe you here and I’m sorry if this offends you, but from what I remember of your brother, he’s not exactly Mr. reliable and responsible. Case in point, the fact he walked away from Amy when she got pregnant.”
Sean’s eyes didn’t go hard as expected. Instead, they softened with understanding. “I get you,” he said quietly, his gaze returning to where Brody was fussing in Sean’s brother’s lap. “And I sincerely hope he does stay sober this time. But I’ve got almost twenty years experience that tells me otherwise. He has his head screwed on straight when it comes to this though. You have my word on that, Thomas.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier seeing the boy I think of as my son being introduced to his father.”
“You’re more of a father to Brody than Ryan is and ever will be, Thomas,” he says without hesitation. “I’ve watched you from before he was even born and you may not have seen your life leading you to where you are now, but not once have I seen you hesitate when it comes to stepping up for Amy or your son.”
Hearing him say that—a man who I have so much respect for—makes my heart swell with pride. Not only at myself, but for the family that Amy and I have made. A family that I would do anything for.
One of the hardest things to do in the park was sit there and not go to Brody when he started fussing and wanting either Amy or myself to pick him up. He was obviously picking up on Ryan’s nerves but there was nothing I could’ve done—or should’ve done—to help. It wasn’t my place to step in, Brody seemed confused enough as it was.
But when I saw him wanting to get down when Amy and Ryan were having what looked like a serious conversation, I decided it was time to step in.
Then my boy proceeded to decimate his diaper—and then some—so our park visit came to a premature end.
During the drive home, Amy tells me everything Ryan said, including his request for a meeting with Sean tomorrow. I have no idea what he wants to discuss with her, but I trust Sean implicitly, so I’m not worried about that small detail. Honestly, I think it’s smart for Ryan and Amy to discuss how things might work moving forward.
Having survived diaper-geddon, Amy takes Brody into his room for a nap when we get to her apartment, leaving me to grab a beer from the fridge and relax in the living room.
I’m trying to be a good guy here, I want Brody to know his real father and hopefully have a relationship with him in the future. But where does that leave me? Will it confuse him if I’m around when Ryan’s around? Will I have to make myself scarce whenever Ryan comes to visit?
How can I make this easier for them all without losing everyone I love?
“Stop that.” Amy’s voice is a hissed whisper, cutting the air like a knife. My wide eyes snap up to find her standing a few feet away from me, hands on her hips and an expression that could only be described as murderous.
She closes the distance between us and I swear I can feel the anger radiating off her. “You know that habit I have of saying my thoughts out loud?” And I realize then just why she’s so annoyed.
“Yeah, and I’m telling you now to get those ideas out of your head right now, Thomas John Caldwell.” She leans down so her finger is poking my chest and her face is in mine. “You are not going to be the good guy, the nice guy, the one who’s going to step aside so that Brody can have a relationship with his biological father just because you have some preconceived notion that he needs to have that.” Whoa, she really can read minds.
“Sweetness, I was just—”
She straddles my lap and I juggle the beer bottle down to the floor before resting my hands on her hips, not willing to take my chances with wrapping my arms around her when she’s on a tear like this.
“You do not get to even consider walking away from us now.”
“I wasn’t—”
“You said to me ‘Anything you need, anytime you need it’ just yesterday.” She drops her voice low to mimic me and needing to break the awkward tension between us, I can’t help the snicker that escapes my lips.
She shakes my shoulders. “Don’t try and charm me now, I’m pissed.”
“I see that.” My lips twitch and I struggle to control myself.
She huffs and growls under her breath. “Of course I’d end up with a sexy handsome man who could grin his way out of a paper bag without even batting an eyelid.”
I quirk a brow, my mouth curved up in a full-on grin now, all previous melancholy completely disappeared. “A paper bag? Really?”
“Thomas . . .” she sighs, leaning her head close to mine. “Tell me how you’re really feeling about all of this because I need to know whether you are okay with Ryan being in Brody’s life, if that’s what he wants to do.”
I don’t hesitate with my response. “Are you okay with it?” I don’t have to think about it because seeing Ryan with his son today, with their matching eyes and hair, I think Ryan deserves at least one chance—and only one—to do right by his son.
“Well, I’m not fully on ‘Team Responsible Ryan.’ There’s a lot of ground to make up there.” She leans back a little but her eyes stay with me.
“I could give you guys some space. You know, give Brody time to get used to Ryan being around?” My voice vibrates with uncertainty. Could I actually walk away—albeit temporarily—to give Ryan and Brody a chance to bond? I would if that’s what was necessary, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rip myself apart while waiting to come back though.
“How about this?” she says, her tone sharp and to the point. “We’re used to having you around, and now you’re saying you’d be willing to leave us?”
“This is not me ending things. It would be stepping aside to give Ryan a chance at being a dad to his son, giving Brody the chance to get to know his father. I’d do it if that’s what you and Ryan wanted.”
“Fuck that,” she spits out angrily. “I love my son to the moon and back and would do anything and everything for him, but you are his dad, Thomas. You are the one who has been there for his whole life, even when you didn’t have to, before this wonderful, amazing, best-thing-in-the-world thing happened between the two of us, you had a relationship with Brody.” Her voice drops to a shaky whisper. “I don’t want you to ever think that Ryan could replace you. He can’t and he won’t. You have to believe that.”
I run my hands up her side until my fingers frame the soft skin of her neck. “I want to do right by you guys.”
“Then don’t leave us, don’t give us space, don’t change a goddamn thing,” she says on a whispered shout. “Being a sperm donor does not make a father, you are living proof of that. Your dad another perfect example. Brody loves you. I love you. You’re the one who’s been here since his first breath and he’ll be with us when it comes time for us to take our last.”
My eyes soften and my body sags back into the couch. “You always know the right thing to say, sweetness.”
“It’s part of my charm,” she says with a shrug.
“You’re also cute when you’re feisty. This doesn’t bode well for my future.”
She narrows her eyes at me—like she does every time I call her cute—but shakes her head and presses her chest into mine, tipping her head back in the process, an offer I don’t turn down as I brush my lips against hers. “I need to know you’re doing okay, Thomas. Whatever else happens now or in the future, you and Brody are my priorities. Everything else comes after that.”
He pulls his head back, his eyes boring into mine as they roam over my face. “You totally mean that don’t you. I thought I was the one that’s meant to reassure you.”
“It’s the new millennium. Women can do everything men can do, even pee standing up if we want, so if I need to step up and make sure you know just how much you’re wanted and needed in this little family of ours, you can be damn well sure I’m gonna do it.”