Mike felt like he was a ping pong ball in the game of emotions. Lane was amazing. Hell, just holding the man in his arms was heaven. He’d never been with another guy, but with Lane, it felt right.

The burger place Lane picked was perfect. It wasn’t too busy, and they found a good place to sit away from other people. He wasn’t sure how he felt about talking to Lane’s doctor friend, but he was beginning to suspect he really did need help.

After they finished eating, they swung by Lane’s place and picked up their jackets before taking a bus to Manhattan. He was having a good day and liked that Lane didn’t put up with his shit. It freaked him out a little, but also calmed him.

They walked from Penn Station to the Empire State building and headed up. The lines weren’t long, which was nice. Once up at the top, they ended up on the side facing the East River. The view was great, but there were too many people. He wished they had the place to themselves. The urge to kiss Lane twisted through him, but he didn’t feel comfortable.

Lane’s phone rang, and he looked at the display, holding up his finger before answering.

“Hello, Dr. Ross. Thank you for calling.” Lane made eye contact with him, and he wanted to hide.

He didn’t want to commit suicide, but for a brief flash of a second he thought about jumping off the building. Then guilt washed over him because he thought he was crazy. Maybe he really was and should be committed.

Lane nodded and smiled at him. “Sure, we can come by at ten in the morning. That would be great. I’m not working, and my friend is available.”

Mike heated, worried someone would overhear what was going on and say something. He glanced around and saw no one was paying any attention. Anger rose, and he turned to stare out at the river.

He felt Lane’s hand on his arm. “Hey, when you’re hungry, we can go find something.”

“Sure.” He didn’t want to think about what Lane had just arranged.

“When I first moved to Jersey, I came up here with a girl. We were on a date. Anyway, we came up here and it was supposed to be super romantic. It wasn’t.”

Mike felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Then why are we here?”

“Because I wanted to kiss someone I actually care about on the top of the world.”

He laughed, knowing this wasn’t anywhere close to the top of the world. “Then we should have gone to a different observation tower.”

“No, this is the one.”

He looked at Lane, his mind going blank as he stared at his man. “What if I don’t want to kiss you?”

Lane’ lips curved up slowly and his eyelids narrowed. “You will.”

He lifted his brows. “I will?”

“Sure, of course you will.”

He rolled his eyes and moved away from Lane. Glancing back over his shoulder, he caught Lane’s gaze. Heat zipped through him. “Yeah, I’m going to want to kiss you.” Admitting the truth felt good, and he was looking forward to the kiss.

They walked around to the north end of the tower and stared at the city. He breathed in, then out, trying to make sense of everything. It was terrible and awesome. He had Lane, but they weren’t really a couple. Could they ever actually be a couple? How would that work? Jake and Brent had figured it out, and Thomas and Clay seemed to be working toward building a relationship. But he and Lane?

He turned and caught Lane staring at him like he’d hung the moon or something. It was almost too much. He didn’t know how to process the emotions.

“When I look at you, I see hope,” Lane said.

“Really?” The thought scared him.

“Yeah. I know you want to give me some flippant reply, something like you see a hot hole that needs to be filled or something like that, but Mike, you’re an amazing man. I want you in my future.”

His chest expanded, and he shook his head. “You make this difficult.”

“How so?”

“You’re supposed to be turned off by my bad attitude and want out. Then you’ll say bye, and I won’t have to actually deal with the feelings I have.”

“Is that how you run your girlfriends off?”

His head hurt, and his chest burned. Lane knew him too well. “Yeah.”

“I’m not them. I’ve known you in your worst and your best moments.”

“When do you think my best moment was?”

Lane stared out at the city. Mike slowly slid his eyes away from Lane. The park was visible and looked amazingly green in the sea of buildings. Lane wanted him to move in, but would he be willing to move to Manhattan? Living in Jersey was interesting, but here, in the heart of the crazy, his head buzzed with excitement. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing.

After a long pause, and after a group of tourists with English accents disappeared around the corner, Lane began speaking. “We were in Kandahar; it was bad. We were searching houses, and there were kids. Then we found a bomb. They knew we were coming. You could have run out, left those kids, but you picked them up, carrying them out of the house before the bomb blew. It was amazing. You could have run out without the kids, but you didn’t. You risked everything to save them.”

Mike nodded as memories of that terrible night came back to him. That was two weeks before Benjamin died. If Ben had already been blown to bits, would he have saved those kids? He didn’t know.

“How about my worst?”

Lane laughed and shook his head. “It’s probably more jealousy than how you were acting.”

“What do you mean?”

Lane met his gaze and shook his head.

“Just spill it,” Mike said.

Lane blinked a few times, his cheeks pink. Mike’s heart expanded as love filled him.

“You were in a hall with a girl, fucking her. You didn’t even know her name. I wanted to make you stop.”

The words were like a punch to his gut. “Oh.” He turned to stare out at the city. “There were a lot of girls I didn’t know. I don’t remember faces or names. They were just a way to ease my pain.”

“Is that what I am?”

Lane’s question hurt. But he shouldn’t have been surprised. He was the type of guy who fucked and forgot.

He reached out and pulled Lane close before brushing his lips over Lane’s mouth. “No, you’re more than a physical relief. You’re the one I’ve wanted for a long time.”

“I really want you to move in with me.”

Mike drew in a slow breath, taking in Lane’s scent. He smelled so good, like outdoors and man, and Mike would never get enough. This man was the best guy he’d ever known. “And I’m thinking about how to do it.”

“Just do it.”

“My lease is up in two months.”

“My place isn’t huge.”

“How long until your lease is up?” Mike asked.

“Three months.”

“Okay, we’ll live together and then, if it’s working out, if we think it’s good, we’ll move somewhere larger.”

Lane smiled. His head rested on Mike’s shoulder, and he sighed. Being with Lane felt right. The crowd thinned a little, and they moved to the other side of the building, staring out at the city.

“So did the kiss meet your requirements?”

Lane met his gaze and nodded. “Yes, because it wasn’t just a kiss with no meaning. You told me I mattered.”

Mike’s heart thumped hard. “You do.”

“And you matter to me.”

He was silent for a little while as worry built. If they broke up, it would devastate him. If the guys found out, it would make it worse. “Can we not tell the guys?”

“Why?”

“I’m having a hard enough time with the voices in my head; I don’t need them saying anything.”

“You know they only want the best for you.”

He drew in a slow breath as Lane’s words worked their way through his mind. “Yeah, but they’ve all seen me with women. I’m an asshole. They’ll kill me if I fuck you over.”

“You won’t. We’re both adults and entering this with our eyes wide open.”

They moved around to the other side of the viewing platform and stared at the buildings below. The new One World Trade Center tower looked beautiful. It inspired him. He’d joined the military because of what had happened on September Eleventh, and now the sight of the new building left him filled with a sense of awe and pride.

If they could rebuild and try for a new beginning in the place of such destruction, maybe he could too. Could he reclaim the past, ridding his brain of the negativity?

Lane placed his hand on Mike’s shoulder, drawing him from his thoughts. “You ready to head down?”

Mike nodded. “Sure. Maybe we could get to the park before the sun goes down.”

“Sure. Let’s take the B or D trains uptown. We can walk for a bit, then head somewhere to eat.”

He nodded and was surprised when Lane took his hand. The touch was comforting, and he squeezed. They loaded onto the elevator going down, and their gazes met. A zing of excitement shot through him. Never before had he actually felt anything emotional like this with any of the women he’d had sex with. With Lane, it felt right. There was an evenness in their vibe, which calmed his nerves and made his heart soar.

They didn’t talk until they hit the streets and were walking to the subway.

“Do you think it’s okay if I go talk to this woman, I mean really okay? It won’t mean I’m crazy or something is wrong with me?”

Lane took his hand again and squeezed. “I can promise you this, you’re not the only vet who has to have help. And you’re not the worst off either. I’ve seen so much working in the ER. I know you may not think this way, but really, there isn’t anything wrong with you. What you saw was extreme. You need some help. Like I said, I went to a counselor. I needed help.”

“Please don’t tell the guys, not yet.”

“Okay, but only because you’re moving in with me. I want you close.”

He glanced away then back to Lane. “Do you trust me?”

Lane moved out of the flow of traffic and stopped walking. His gaze was serious. “With my life.”

Mike nodded then moved them back into the flow of foot traffic. They headed down into the subway. The place wasn’t crowded, but there was a good mix of people. He liked New York. He probably should have moved here instead of Boston, but he’d had a place to stay with friends in Boston when he first got out. Plus, he didn’t think the guys from his unit would have become more important to him than his friends from high school.

They didn’t talk on the train except to chat about the station coming up or the one they were passing by. It was late, but the sun wasn’t down when they arrived at the park. Lane led the way as they headed deeper into the park. It was nice and relaxing. People were tossing baseballs or kicking soccer balls. Families were on walks together, and he saw a mixed range of couples, from old to young. Laughter filled the air, and birds tweeted above. This was life and he wanted a piece of it, but the roaring monster in his mind took over too often.

Eventually, they were near a lake where they stopped to stare at the leaves floating on the surface. It felt so peaceful. Maybe talking to Lane’s doctor friend wouldn’t be so bad. If he found some breathing room, it would be worth it.

Lane placed his fingers under Mike’s chin and turned his head. He wanted to be someone Lane could be proud of. His current situation was held together with threads that were stretched way too thin, and one by one, they were starting to snap.

Lane closed the distance between them, his lips just barely brushing over Mike’s. His heart squeezed, and his throat closed. He’d never known it could be like this.

“Lane,” Mike whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Even if the doctor says I’m really screwed up?”

Lane nodded. “No matter what. I’m not going to walk away from you. But I know she won’t say you’re really screwed up.”

They walked some more and left the park about the time the sun set. He wasn’t hungry and hoped Lane didn’t mind waiting to eat.

“We can head over to Times Square. It’s not a long walk, if you’re okay walking.”

“Sure, that’ll give me a chance to get hungry.”

Lane chuckled and nodded to the intersecting street. They crossed at the light and headed south, neither of them speaking much. There were few people walking until they got close to Times Square. Then the amount of people grew at an almost alarming rate. He didn’t feel like he was about to freak out, but the sheer number of people was daunting. Lane took his hand and tugged him down a side street.

“Hey, why did you… Never mind.”

Lane smoothed his hand down Mike’s arm to his wrist. “Give yourself a few seconds then we’ll get back into it.”

“I’m not incapable of walking through a city.”

One of Lane’s brows lifted. “Why were you breathing so hard?”

He shook his head. “I wasn’t.”

Lane narrowed his gaze. “Really?”

Mike huffed out a breath and realized Lane was right. He was about to freak out. He thought he’d had it under control, but obviously, he hadn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no need to apologize.”

He felt like shit and didn’t know what was going on. “I can usually handle myself. Hell, I do security at concerts.”

“You’re in control of what happens at the concert. Here, you’re out in the open.”

He knew Lane was right, but he still felt bad, like he’d messed up somehow.

“Hey, let’s go to the benches and sit. We can people-watch for a while then find someplace to eat. After we’re done, we’ll catch a bus back to the apartment.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I care about you. And I’m not being so nice, I’m just being normal. This is what we’re supposed to do for people we care about.”

Warmth filled him, and he nodded, heading to the street. They made it to the center of Times Square and found a place to sit. The sun had gone down, but that didn’t matter in Times Square. It was just as bright as midday. He watched the screens in wonder. News flashed, music videos played, and movie trailers enticed. Then there were the people. So many people from all backgrounds, all races, and religions. He loved it but he felt his anxiety rising.

Lane reached out and took his hand. “I'm here for you.”

“I appreciate it. I really do.”

They watched people stumble around the area and stare in awe at the spectacle. Times Square was impressive, and he understood people and their wide eyes, taking in everything.

After a while, Lane turned to him and words weren't needed. They both stood, and Lane wove their fingers together as they walked south. When they were away from most of the crowd, Lane started speaking. His voice was low, and Mike moved closer.

“There's this place a few blocks south and a few to the west. It's small; not many tourists go there. It closes early, but we have about an hour before they shut down. Good food, and the owner may seem rude, but she's really nice once you get to know her.”

He drew in a slow breath, his mind spinning with dark thoughts. Had Lane picked this location because he'd freaked out a little? What if Lane got tired of him because he couldn't deal with crowds like normal people? They turned to the right and started walking down one of the long blocks.

“You're being quiet,” Lane said.

Anger flashed. “You going to leave because I don't talk much?”

“No, but I'm not going to let you stew in negative thoughts.”

He wiped his face and shook his head. “I'm really screwed up, and I think it’s getting worse. What if they can't fix me?”

“Mike, you don't scare me. We have years of friendship. You know what that means, right?”

“What?”

“I already know all of your flaws. I know your weaknesses. Did you forget I was with you when you shot that guy? I was with you after you saw Benjamin die. I was with you when we were under heavy fire. I was with you when we both crapped our pants when that bomb went off and took down the building we were standing next to. I was with you all those times, and I love you as a friend already.”

Warmth spread. He squeezed Lane’s hand and kept walking. It took them another five minutes to reach the restaurant. The place wasn’t busy, and the scents coming from the kitchen were amazing.

They sat at a table near the window. Lane didn't even look at the menu. When the waiter came over, Lane ordered a beer. He decided to have a beer too. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, and he’d thought about waiting to discuss his thoughts until they got home, but no other patrons were in the place, and the waiter wasn't hovering.

He toyed with the napkin in front of him for a bit. “Growing up, doing therapy was seen as a weakness. I don't want to be weak.”

“You know admitting you need help doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you strong.”

Their beers came, and the waiter smiled. “So, what would you like to eat? We have a few of the seafood linguini specials left.”

Lane gave a tight smile then shook his head. “I'll have the chicken parmigiana with a side salad, ranch dressing on the side.”

“Excellent. And for you, sir?”

He hadn't even glanced at the menu, which was fine because he loved all types of Italian food. “I'll have your lasagna.”

“Chicken, beef, or vegetable?”

“I'll go with beef.”

“Excellent choice. Would you like a side salad?”

“Yes, bleu cheese for the dressing.”

“Wonderful. I'll bring out a couple glasses of water for you two.”

“Thank you,” Mike said.

“We’d appreciate that,” Lane said.

The waiter left, and he took a swig of his beer. “So you think therapy isn’t a sign of weakness?”

“No, it’s strength. Being able to admit you’re having an issue isn’t weakness.”

“What if they can’t fix it? It really is getting worse.”

Lane reached out and took his hand. “I’m not going to give up on us. I can see it in your eyes. You want me to have a problem with how you choked me last night or the anger you’re having now, but I'm not going to. I’m not going to have an issue with you.”

He took another swig of his beer and blew out a breath. The alcohol hadn’t really hit his system, but he was starting to relax.

“I like the idea of moving to Manhattan when my lease is up.” Lane was looking at him as he took a swig of his beer. His lips on his bottle made Mike imagine Lane on his knees, dick in his mouth, his eyes looking up.

A fierce need to conquer Lane hit, and his cock woke up. He slid his foot over and tapped the side of Lane’s shoe.

“You’re sexy,” Mike said.

Lane chuckled. “Thank you. So are you. I’m glad you and I hooked up—that’s not the right word. We’re something more than just hooked up.”

“I’m glad you and I did what we did.”

The waiter brought out their salads, and he ate, stealing glances at Lane between forkfuls of food. Lane was too sexy. Why hadn’t he ever thought of dating guys before? But not any guy would do; Lane was the guy he wanted.

“Is your salad good?”

He nodded. “Yeah, what about yours?”

“It’s good. I wish the main course would come out. I’m starving.”

Mike chuckled and stabbed a tomato with his fork before lifting it to his mouth and chomping down on it. They both laughed as they continued to demolish their salads.

Soon, the waiter came over with their food, setting the plates in front of them. He thanked the man then picked up his fork and dug in. His lasagna was perfect. Lane chowed down on his chicken. At some point, the mood had changed. He wasn’t as exhausted or sad. Maybe there was hope or something like hope swirling around in his brain. He wanted to believe he could have happiness. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Just because every relationship he’d ever had ended with yelling and screaming didn’t mean Lane would walk away.