Mike wished Lane would stay, but he had to have this first appointment with Sharron alone. He was ushered into her office and seated in a chair across the desk from her. She smiled, but not too much. She was older than he was, maybe in her late forties, maybe her fifties. He wasn’t sure. There were a few grey hairs, but nothing overwhelming.

He wondered what the guys would think about him being here. He’d kept his issues hidden so well. None of them knew he was a ticking time bomb.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mike. I’m Sharron Ross.”

He nodded, trying to smile, knowing he failed. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“So, Mike, you know Lane from the military?”

“Yes, ma’am. We were stationed together. We saw a lot of action.”

“Would you like to tell me why you’re here today?”

He shrugged and picked at a string on his pants. “I don’t know. I guess it’s because I-I have this issue when I’m sleeping. Sometimes I’m okay, but other times, I wake up and I’ve done something.”

Sharron lifted her brows, but he stayed silent. It was obvious she wanted him to talk, but it was so difficult. Embarrassment filled him as he thought of everything he’d done.

“Something like what?” Sharron finally asked.

“I choked Lane. I’ve done it before, not Lane, but choked other people I was sleeping with. I’ve made sure not to be in the position of sleeping with or staying the night with anyone after it happened before. But Lane is different. I— Maybe this was a mistake.” He rose from the chair but stalled when Sharron lifted her hand and raised her brows.

“Mike, I don’t think you coming here is a mistake.”

“So you don’t mind that I was in bed with Lane?”

“No, not at all. I hope you can find someone who you like enough to trust. It’s hard to trust after you’ve been in battle situations. I’ve treated a lot of men and women who have come home from war, and they need a little help working through things.”

“Why don’t the other guys need help?”

“Other guys?” Sharron asked.

“Yeah, mine and Lane’s other friends.”

“Well, you don’t know they haven’t gotten help. They could have already been treated. Also, did they all experience everything you did?”

He shook his head and frowned. “No.”

“Okay, so how about we concentrate on you.”

Mike stared at his hands, wondering how life had gotten so complicated. “So you don’t think I’m broken?”

“No, Mike, you’re not broken.”

He drew in a ragged breath as memories of Benjamin surfaced. “I saw him blown apart. No one else was there. One minute Benjamin was laughing about something, and the next, he was in pieces. The other guys came running up, but they didn’t see him explode.”

“Have you talked to Benjamin’s family?”

He shook his head as heat filled him. “No, I didn’t know if I should.”

“Do you think it would help?”

Anger slid through him. “I don’t know; aren’t you supposed to tell me?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “If it were easy, therapists wouldn’t need to go to school. I can tell you what I would do, but I’m not you. You need to figure out what will help you. Have you figured out a pattern for when you get triggered and have issues?”

He shook his head. “No, and I don’t like the word triggered.”

“Okay, we can use another word. What word would you like?”

“I don’t know. I just—it’s like something is flipped, and I go off. I can’t help myself. Somewhere in my mind, I may know I need to pull back, but I can’t. Sometimes, I see myself operating, you know, holding the person’s neck, but I can’t stop.”

“I’d like you to start using meditation; nothing long, just a little something you could do before you go to sleep. Something to help calm your brain.”

He nodded as a little sliver of hope started to develop. What if this worked? Could he really have a full life?

“That would be good.”

“Is there a pleasant memory you have from your past, something you could focus on, which would help you to calm?”

“I don’t know.” He rubbed his hand over his jeans, wondering if maybe he’d made a huge mistake coming in here. How could this woman help him if he didn’t even know what he needed help with?

“Think about your past.”

“Lane calms me.”

“Okay, that’s good. Maybe you can find one thing about Lane that calms you the most. Maybe a memory, something you shared. Something you did together.”

“There was this ice cream place near base we went to when we were stateside.”

“Good. Think about the ice cream place and focus.”

“It’s really Lane. Not the ice cream. I don’t really care for sweets, but Lane went there with me on Saturday mornings.”

“Remember the good, and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

He took a few breaths in, his mind on the ice cream shop and the good times they had there. He remembered laughing with Lane. He chuckled as he thought about the fun they had hanging out without the pressure of work, or war.

“Before bed each night, I want you to think about the memory. Use it to keep calm.”

He opened his eyes and met her gaze. “Do you think I can actually stay calm?”

“Mike, you can train your mind to be anything you need it to be. When something happens that causes you to associate negatively about the situation, let’s change the flow of your thoughts.”

“How do you mean?”

“You’re angry now about being here. The first time I saw you smile was when you were thinking about Lane.”

He narrowed his eyes as he stared at her. “I’m being a jerk, aren’t I?”

She shook her head. “No, you’re upset. I understand upset. You don’t want to be here. I totally and completely get your hesitancy. Lane asked you to come, what else has Lane asked you to do that you’re not sure about?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “He wants me to move here so I can get help. I want to, but I don’t know if the only reason he wants me to move in is because he wants me or he thinks I’m someone to pity.”

She drew in a slow breath and nodded. “You can ask him.”

His stomach churned. What if Lane didn’t want him? Maybe Lane was humoring him. “I don’t know.”

“I’ve only met Lane a few times in passing when he has transferred a patient to me. What are some of his best qualities?”

His heart jerked and he sat forward. “He’s kind, sweet, and always nice. He’s got this thing about him which is amazing. He’s honest. I have to tell you, he’s one of the best men I’ve ever met.”

“He sounds like he’s a good man. If you asked him about his feelings toward you, do you think he would tell you the truth?”

He blinked at Sharron, wondering if she’d done that on purpose. Of course she had. She’d made him think about all of Lane’s best qualities. But fear still held him. What if Lane told him to go away?

Sharron sat up straighter. “Mike, we’ve been at this for thirty minutes. How about we schedule a short session for tomorrow. You’ll have time to talk to Lane and think about the things we discussed. How does that sound?”

He nodded as he stood. He reached out and shook Sharron’s hand, feeling more settled about coming here. Maybe Lane really did want him, but he wouldn’t know unless he asked.

“Sure, I think talking tomorrow would be good.”

“Awesome. Check out with Leslie up front and schedule your next appointment. If you do decide to stay in the area, I have a study which might suit you.”

He paused and his heart sped up. “What type of study?”

“There is a questionnaire you have to answer to see if you qualify. Then, if you do, we work with a neurologist. We’re using impulses to the brain along with counseling, meditation, and a little tweak to your diet to bring about change.”

He stared at Sharron, unsure if he’d heard her right. Could this possibly work? What if he joined this study and it failed? Could he take the failure? “What is the thing you do to my brain?”

“It’s not anything to be afraid of. We’re not actually opening you up. We send electronic pulses. When you experienced trauma, your brain was changed. What you saw made your brain go into shock. It changed your life and now, we want to change it back. We want to get you thinking positive thoughts instead of reenacting the negative. You won’t forget what happened, and you will be able to think about the situation and be sad or angry or upset, but those thoughts won’t rule your actions.”

He nodded slowly, wondering if this was real. “Okay.”

“We need you to qualify for the study though.”

“What do I have to do to qualify?”

Sharron chuckled. “I can’t tell you. I know, it seems wrong, but I need you to qualify without my influence. I want a grant to broaden my research, and I can’t have influenced any of my patients. I’ve seen good results, but I think I’ve seen results because I’ve worked to make sure the results won’t be tainted.”

His chest tightened. No question, he needed help. After what he’d done to Lane, he felt terrible. He had to get this fixed. “Okay, you’ve intrigued me. I want to be able to qualify for this study.”

Sharron gave him a smile that reminded him of a teacher he’d had in high school. She’d been nice to him.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll set up a time you can come in and start the process.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m glad I got the chance to meet you. Lane is a nice guy.”

“He really is.”

Mike made sure he had his things and headed out to the waiting room where he stopped to pay.

“Sharron said she wanted to see you tomorrow,” Leslie said.

“Yes. And I didn’t give my insurance information to you.”

“Sure. I can take your card and put it in the system. She’s directed there be no charge for today or tomorrow. If you come back for more sessions, we’ll start filing insurance.”

“Okay.” He felt a little weird since they hadn’t charged him for anything yet. He wanted to tell her he needed to pay, but he held his tongue.

“Is two tomorrow okay with you?” Leslie asked.

“Yes.”

“Thank you, and have a good day.” She handed his cards back to him then answered the phone.

Mike turned to step out of the office but saw Lane sitting in the corner. How long had he been there?

“Hey.” Lane stood and moved close. “You ready to go for a walk in the park?”

“Yeah. I like the park. It’s peaceful.”

Lane smiled, and his eyes crinkled a little. It was shit like that which made him get all warm around Lane. The man was freaking attractive and kind. He would never be able to leave Lane.

“Cool. We’ll eat lunch near there,” Lane said.

He didn’t mind that the elevator was full. They didn’t speak until they were out on the streets because there were too many people and his life was none of their business. “Sharron likes you,” Mike said.

Lane chuckled. “She’s a good person. I like what she’s doing to help veterans. It’s hard—you know. We all deal with things.”

Mike nodded and was about to say something when a group of noisy teens ran past. He started talking after they were gone. “I still don’t want the guys knowing yet.”

“We can tell them when you’re ready.”

He took in the city as they walked to the park. There were a lot of people. It was a lot like Boston, but different in how it felt. Sure, people were people, but the pulse of New York City was faster. Cars clogged the streets which were straight instead of winding and twisty. In Boston, he’d spent the first year getting lost. After a few days, he already had a sense of New York because, from his vantage point, he could see downtown as they crossed the street to enter Central Park.

When they stepped into the park and made it past the people selling time on a bike or a horse-drawn carriage or riding in a bike-pulled carriage, he breathed a sigh of relief. After meeting with Sharron, the clamp on his heart had lessened. The words spilled out easily.

“When Benjamin died, it freaked me out. I’ve worked hard to hold it together, but I’m afraid.” Mike hadn’t wanted to reveal how disturbed he’d been by Benjamin’s death. Of course, they’d all been affected, but he’d been the one there. He’d seen it all.

“What are you afraid of?”

“That everyone will see how weak I am. They’ll know I’m not strong. They’ll figure out I’m barely holding it together.”

“I think you’re strong.”

“Thank you. I don’t feel strong.” He took Lane’s hand as they passed under a street. The tunnel was quiet, and no one else was around. He pulled Lane into a hug and just held on. “You make me stronger.” The whispered words echoed through the tunnel.

Maybe with Lane in his life, he could get over this. For so long, he’d been pretending. His life was built on creating a false sense of security. Sure the people he protected were safe when he was backstage with them and created a bubble around them, preventing idiots from getting too close, but it wasn’t real. They weren’t really safe because they would walk out of the concert hall, get in the limo and eventually leave his protection. There had been bomb threats, violence, and protests against the people he’d guarded, and he knew how thin that bubble of protection had been. He pretended that he had it all together. The women he’d slept with meant nothing because, if he allowed them to get close, they’d see the thin cracks in his life and figure out he wasn’t whole; instead, he was just a fractured husk of a man who was about ready to break.

Lane held him close, kissing his neck. “You make me stronger.”

Though the city was out there, here in this dark tunnel, he felt like they were alone. He sighed. Being with Lane was the best thing he’d ever had.

“I want to move in. I need to do this event this weekend, then I’ll go back and pack up some stuff. I’ll get a truck and move my things to a storage unit or whatever.”

“I have three days off in a row. I can help you.”

He leaned back and looked Lane in the eyes. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“No. I can take the train up when I get off work.”

He shook his head and stepped back. “You’re exhausted when you get off work. I’ll book a flight for you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“You’re helping me. I’ll do it. That way you can get some sleep before you head to the airport.”

Lane nodded then gave him a killer smile. “Sounds good. Come on. Let’s walk.”

They meandered through the park, ending up on the east side where they found a place to get some food. He liked the idea of moving in with Lane. It intrigued and made him horny all at once. Though he’d lived with Lane while they were in the military, he’d have to learn his friend all over again. He stole a glance and his heart stuttered. Being with Lane all the time was going to be amazing.

Lane grabbed some napkins and Mike’s heart softened. Lane wasn’t just some random person he was settling for. The man had been with him through the worst and the best times in his life. There was no doubt he could be with Lane for a long time. Maybe the rest of his life.

What if he did commit to Lane forever? It would mean no more women. No more random fucks. No picking up girls, banging them after the concerts. But he would have Lane. There was no question in his mind, he wanted Lane over some random woman he didn’t care about.

“Hey, do you need any salt or pepper, any sauce?” Lane set his cup down then dropped some napkins in the center of the table.

“I’m good. Sit down.”

“Sure, what’s up?” Lane took a sip from his cup and lifted his brows before picking up his fork and pushing his food around before taking a bite.

“Are you asking me to move in because you feel sorry for me?”

Lane stared at him for a moment before putting his fork down and reaching across the table. Mike took his hand and held on. He felt like Lane was an anchor in this crazy world.

“I know this is weird. We just got together and it’s not how relationships usually work. But we’ve been friends for a long time. I want you in my life. I can’t explain it.”

He nodded, unable to take his eyes off Lane. “We’re good together.”

“We are.”

Lane’s words worked though him. He felt like his life was finally coming together. He and Lane were moving in. If he didn’t believe it, how would anyone else? Lane squeezed his fingers before picking up his fork and digging in. They ate their food, chatting about New York, Lane’s job, the good food in the city, then headed back to the park. He checked his emails and found out he needed to make a few calls.

He shook his head and groaned. “This event is almost too much.”

“Why?”

“The artist, she’s being difficult. She wants everything to be just so, and she keeps changing where she wants to stay. We have a route for her car, minimizing her time on the road. When she changes hotels, it messes up our flow. I have to make sure the guys know everything so we can plan for all contingencies.”

Lane slowed and narrowed his eyes. “Do you like what you do?”

“I do, for the most part. I’m good with this stuff. I cut back last year and stopped doing shows, which made me less money. I’ve started working with top artists, but with the big stars comes difficulty like finding orange, only orange, jelly beans. I assign those tasks to other people, but still, the requests we get are ridiculous sometimes. Some of these people are difficult to work with. There is this one guy, he’s a total douche. We always have problems with him, and I’ve decided I can’t do security for him. He likes my company though, so he gets a twenty thousand premium tacked on top of his fee.”

Lane’s eyes grew wide. “Wow, that’s a lot.”

“The money is good, but he’s not really worth the trouble. Last time I did security for him in DC, he asked for so many last-minute changes we ate through the twenty thousand.”

Lane shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Wow, sounds terrible.”

“It’s all good. I do like it, but it’s going to get old fast.” His job had turned from exciting to tedious. Sure, security for the stars sounded like a primo gig, but at the end of the day, they were just jerks who needed minders. Well, not all of them, but the number of singers who were like this woman was huge.

He and Lane had walked down a winding path that dropped them into a hidden meadow. He paused and tugged Lane into the circle of his arms. They didn’t kiss; instead, they just held each other as the wind rustled the leaves on trees above.

Lane kissed his neck then stepped back. “So I kind of need to get back on my night schedule. Sleeping last night was good. Do you think we could go back, take a nap now, then go out to a club? One of the guys I work with recommended a bar that’s not too far from my apartment. We could dance until three in the morning then go back to sleep.”

“Sure, sounds good.” With Lane, going to sleep meant having a good time between the sheets. He liked that aspect of life with Lane, but then there was also the emotional connection. Sure, excitement sizzled between them, but his relationship with Lane was bigger than just sex. He wanted more from this man than just a few fucks, and he really thought they could get there, to some relationship nirvana. Maybe he was fooling himself, but after going to see Sharron, he had hope.