BRIAN
I’d never met a woman quite like Eleanor Westley before, and it was clear as she and Seth walked away from us that Ella hadn’t, either. Ella stared after them, lost in deep thought, until they found the row where their seats were and slipped into the crowd.
“Interesting woman,” I said, tugging Ella’s hand, prompting her to take her seat. She’d been standing for a long time now, and I was sure she was sore.
“Very,” Ella agreed absently.
She sat down very slowly, as if feeling stiff, but she still seemed so lost in her thoughts that I didn’t bother to ask if she was all right. I hoped she wouldn’t hurt too badly after resting through the movie. After the New Year’s Eve party, she’d started bringing her bottle of prescription painkillers with her to events and parties in case they turned out to be as taxing on her as that had been.
I didn’t want her to have to take them tonight, though, because they made her tired and out of it. I didn’t want a tired and spaced out girlfriend tonight. Not when she looked as hot as she did and had braved the shirt she was wearing. I wasn’t sure what had prompted her actions, but they’d had major effects on me. Effects that I would be feeling all night long.
Ella wouldn’t just miraculously be ready to go all the way with me tonight. Hell, the sleeveless blouse was probably the limit on what she could handle. She’d probably run home and change into a pair of sweats before she let me come anywhere near her, but I didn’t care. Whatever the change in her tonight was, it was a step in the right direction, and I would take it without complaint.
“You okay?” I asked. She seemed so heavily weighed down all of a sudden.
“Huh?” Her eyes snapped into focus, and she seemed to realize she’d zoned out. “Oh yeah. Sorry. I’m good. I was just thinking…”
I waited for her to share her thoughts, but she simply fell into them again. I decided to be patient. She’d talk to me when she was ready. Now wasn’t the time, anyway, sitting in a crowded theater where the lights had just gone dim. When the movie started to play, she smiled softly at me, surprised me with a kiss to the cheek, and said, “I love you.”
Again, I didn’t know where this was coming from, but it was oddly touching. I lifted the armrest between our seats and tried to contain the burning feeling in my chest when she snuggled against me. “I love you, too, Ella.”
Ella stayed in her strange, quiet, withdrawn mood through the whole film and passed when Janice Bishop, Seth, and Ellie invited Ella, me, and Ella’s dad and Jennifer to join them for a late dinner after. I didn’t question her, but I was really starting to worry.
We said our good-byes, and I resisted the temptation to speak all the way back to Ella’s apartment. She would tell me. Once we were inside and settled, and it was just the two of us, she would tell me what happened.
I wanted to be patient. I wanted to let her be the one. But when we got up to her apartment and I closed the door behind us, the words were out of my mouth before I realized I was speaking them. “Ella, what’s wrong? What happened? What can I do? You’re really starting to worry me.”
She gave me another loving smile as she’d done just before the movie and kissed me. “Sorry. I’m fine, I promise.”
She started to take off her jacket. I helped her out of it and hung it on the rack near the front door, then joined her on the couch.
“Did you see them together tonight?” she asked.
“Who?” I was caught off guard by the random question.
“Ellie and Seth.”
Ah. So that was the direction of her thoughts. I tried to relax a little, but I still didn’t know exactly what about them had made Ella so contemplative. “They were interesting.”
She cracked a crooked smile as she stared off into nothing. “They were so comfortable with each other. Physically, I mean.”
I automatically thought of Seth lusting over Ellie’s scars and wondered if that’s what we were talking about here. “True. But it sounded like they’ve been a couple for a long time.”
Ella’s gaze snapped into focus suddenly, and she looked me straight in the eye. “I want that with you.”
I froze. The direct statement on a topic that had always been near impossible to broach with her made my pulse spike. “I want that, too,” I said carefully.
She looked away from me. I didn’t want to lose this connection we had. I didn’t want her to withdraw. She’d braved sharing her thoughts with me. I didn’t want her to stop now. Swallowing my nerves, I reached for her undamaged hand and held it clasped in both of mine. “We’ll get there, Ella.” When she met my eyes again, I said, “We will have that someday.”
“I’m trying,” she whispered, suddenly becoming overwhelmed with emotion.
My heart cracked at the sadness and frustration in her voice. “I know.”
I pulled her face into my hands, cupping her cheeks gently as I pressed my lips to hers. When I sat back, I looked at her bare shoulders and decided to take a risk. I reached to gently grip her shoulders—both of them. I moved slowly, giving her time to stop me if she needed to. She swallowed loudly and trembled slightly when my hand rested on her burned shoulder, but she bravely allowed my touch.
“I was so proud of you tonight,” I said.
I ran my hands down the lengths of her arms, both the healthy and the scarred one, until I reached her fingers and tangled them in mine. Her eyes fell shut, and her lashes trapped a couple of teardrops.
“So proud,” I whispered again.
I leaned forward, skimming my nose along her jaw, and kissed the side of her neck once. Then, pushing her further than I ever had before, I dragged my lips down her neck and over her bare shoulder. She gasped as I pressed my mouth to her scars. The oddly textured skin tasted as heavenly as the rest of her did. I wanted to feel and taste it all. I wanted to explore every inch of her. One day, I would. Today, I would just be grateful for this small preview, for this new branch of trust I was being offered.
I threaded one of my hands in her hair, pulling her close to me, and ran the other up and down her damaged arm while dropping another kiss to her shoulder. “You are strong, brave, and beautiful, and I will take as much or as little as you are willing to give.”
I sat back and met her eyes again. “If this is what you’re capable of tonight, then this is what you’re capable of, and it’s enough. The rest doesn’t matter yet.”
She pursed her lips through a bout of emotion and then whispered, “Thank you.”
I shook my head. “Thank you for trusting me this much.”
I claimed her mouth, throwing some of the heat rising inside me into the kiss. Ella responded, but when I started to lay her back on the couch, she stopped me. “Would you give me a minute?”
“Of course,” I said, though I wondered what was wrong again.
Reading my worry, she offered me a smile and rose to her feet. “I just want to take some Tylenol and change out of these clothes. I’ll just be a minute. Want to make us something warm to drink?”
I smiled at the much more normal response. “Coffee for me, and hot chocolate for you?”
“Perfect.” She kissed me again and then disappeared down the hall.
I took a deep breath as I headed for the kitchen. I needed to calm down. Ella often described me as intense. I didn’t think she minded that, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her, and after allowing me to kiss her scarred shoulder, I knew she must be feeling a lot. That’s why she’d stopped the real kissing before it even began. She was in her room right now, probably layering herself in two or three layers of clothes just to feel like she was in control again.
That’s not a step back.
I had to tell myself that over and over as I turned on the coffeemaker and heated some water in a mug for Ella’s hot chocolate. I had to prepare for her being covered from head to toe and no longer in the mood to kiss when she returned. I had to be ready for that, because, no matter what, I couldn’t let her see any disappointment.
I was stirring the chocolate in her mug when the tiny sound of a throat clearing alerted me to Ella’s return. “Brian?” she said softly.
Thank heavens I hadn’t been holding the mug of hot liquid in my hands, because I would have dropped it when I turned around and took in the sight of her. She’d changed from her clothes into a very sexy black satin kimono that barely went to her mid thigh. She looked…she looked…wow.
I blew out a big breath.
What the hell was she wearing beneath the robe, and why was she standing in front of me in it?
I leaned back against the kitchen counter, gripping it tightly so that I wouldn’t step forward and use my eager hands on her. I wasn’t sure what was going on here, but I knew it couldn’t be what my body wanted it to be.
I drank in the sight of her and had to slow both my breathing and my thoughts before I could speak. “That’s a nice robe.” I cleared my throat and tried to sound nonchalant as I added, “Is it new?”
I wasn’t fooling anyone. Ella’s cheeks flushed, but she giggled and shrugged. “I found it in one of those boxes Lindon’s sent me.”
“It’s very pretty.” I had to clear the frog from my throat again. Twice. “So…um…what’s the occasion?”
She glanced toward the living room as she rubbed her arms as if she had a sudden chill. I wanted to go to her. Heaven knows I had plenty of heat in me at the moment to warm her up with.
“No occasion,” she whispered, still unable to meet my gaze. “I just…”
I waited for her to collect her thoughts. I could see them running away from her.
When she shivered again and shifted her weight, I finally stepped away from the counter and offered her my hand. “Let’s go sit down. You’ve been on your feet a lot tonight. And you’re shivering. I’ll get you a blanket.”
She took my hand, but instead of following me toward the living room couch, she led me back to her bedroom. My breathing quickened again. Get a grip, Brian. This is not happening.
Once inside, I waited for instruction, having no clue what she intended and not willing to presume anything. She sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to her. I sat and laced my hands together in my lap, once again, forcing them into restraint.
Ella broke my grip and claimed one of my hands. I fisted the other one at my side, tempted to sit on it because Ella’s robe was not tied very tightly, and it would be all too easy to figure out what was beneath it.
“You said you wanted to sleep over tonight,” she said quietly.
I gulped. “Yes. I would like that. If that’s what you want, too.”
She nodded, causing another surge of adrenaline to rush through me.
“Would you still want to stay if I planned to sleep in…what I have on under this robe…but all we did was sleep?” Her voice shook, and she kept her eyes focused on the carpet.
Desire bubbled up inside me so thick I choked on it. My body and my head warred with one another, but there was no question of my answer. It wouldn’t be easy, but I would stay all night and not lay a single finger on her, if that was what she asked. But I would stay. After putting such a promise in my head, she couldn’t pry me away from this bed before sunup for anything.
“Yes.” My voice was so thick I could barely form words. “I would still want that very, very much. As long as you wanted me to stay.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. “I do want you to stay. I want you to see me. What there is to see, anyway. But I can’t do anything else.” She finally met my eyes. “That is what I’m capable of tonight.”
“Okay.” I stayed calm. I don’t know how I managed it, but I steadied my heartbeat, calmed my thoughts, and relaxed. Ella was anxious enough. She needed me to be the sure one right now. She needed calm and reassuring. I would be that for her.
What was happening right now may have been something I wanted very badly, but it wasn’t about me. Ella was not doing this for me. This was for her, and so I would put aside all of my myriad emotions, needs, and desires. I would have to wait.
I suppressed a smirk. If Ella could hear my thoughts now, she’d fall over in a dead faint. The woman was not wrong that I am spoiled and self-centered. This might have been the first time I’d ever truly been willing to forget about myself and what I wanted.
“Are you sure?” I asked, though the question tasted like dirt on my tongue. “Because you don’t have to. If you aren’t ready for that, Ella, we can wait.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I want to.”
Thank the Lord for his small and tender mercies.
“Tonight, watching Seth and Ellie, it just clicked,” she said. “He didn’t care. He even liked her scar. He was turned on by it.”
I knew how he felt. It wasn’t the scars themselves I found appealing. It was just Ella, and she, as she was, was beautiful to me. The scars were part of her. I couldn’t imagine her without them. But I knew she struggled with them, so the thought of her letting me touch them, letting me see all of her, of her trusting me with her biggest fears and insecurities, that was enticing as all hell.
“He’s not the only one who feels that way about his girlfriend, Ella.”
I let my desire leak through in that statement; let her see the lust in my eyes. Hers widened slightly in response, but she quickly tampered her fear. “I believe you.” She bit her lip and frowned at the floor again.
Ella sat for a moment, collecting her thoughts, and then shifted on the bed slightly so that she could face me. “I was thinking about it tonight, and I think… I’ll never feel completely secure with you if I don’t learn to like myself. It’s not you I’m uncomfortable with. I’m afraid of my body.”
“Ella, there’s nothing wrong—”
“Let me finish.”
I closed my mouth and took her hand in mine. She gave me a small, timid smile. “The truth is, you’re probably a lot more comfortable with my flaws than I am, and if I can’t figure out how to accept my body on my own, then maybe I should let you help me.”
I brought her scarred hand to my lips but said nothing. As much as I wanted to shout that of course I was fine with Ella’s body and that helping her realize how beautiful she was was all I’d wanted to do for her for months, instead I sat there silently and let her work it out on her own. I could tell her these things until I was blue in the face—I’d tried a hundred times—but the truth would never matter until she accepted it. I couldn’t make her do that.
Ella stared down at our joined hands and threaded our fingers together. “If I can’t show you all of me, then I’m not really trusting you all the way, even if I thought I was. But maybe…” She paused a moment, hesitating as if she once again couldn’t figure out how best to put her feelings into words.
I waited some more. It was all I could do. Finally, I was rewarded with those big blue eyes, shiny from a layer of moisture, staring at me as if permitting me entrance to Ella’s soul. “If I could just give you my complete trust and let you love my flaws for me, I might be able to finally see that they aren’t so bad.”
The breath left my lungs. She was finally getting it. I’d been trying to tell her this for months. I owed Ellie and Seth big time, because I would have never been able to get through to Ella the way they did with one quick conversation. But whatever she realized tonight, it was finally sinking in like it should have back when we first met.
“Watching Seth tonight with Ellie, and seeing her respond to him. And just seeing her so…proud of herself—I want that.” Ella’s expression changed, filling with determination and turning fierce. “I did survive hell. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am now, and Ellie was right; if I woke up tomorrow completely healed with no physical reminders of everything I’ve been through, part of me would be sad about that.”
I reached up and tucked a lock of her hair that was shielding her beautiful eyes from me behind her ear, offering her the smallest, sincerest smile. “I would be devastated by that.”
She looked surprised, but it was the honest truth. She wouldn’t be my Ella any other way than she is now.
She sucked in another deep breath and then nodded, as if accepting the truth of my feelings. Then she pulled herself to her feet and turned to face me. “I trust you, Brian,” she murmured, reaching for the belt holding her robe closed. “I trust you to love the things about me that I don’t.”
She took one last deep breath and held it as she pulled the tie loose and let her robe fall to the floor.