Chapter Thirteen
The queen’s page found Ceit before she retreated to the solitude of her chamber. She was forced to attend the royal in her solar with the other ladies-in-waiting giggling and staring at her. She wanted to be just about anywhere but there.
I would rather be the main course at a fairy supper than here with these women.
“Ah, yes. Lady Cathryn, it is a pleasure to see you returned to court. I only glimpsed you upon your return, but Magnus and Deirdre rather caught everyone’s attention. I have missed your reading. You have such a soft voice when you recite poetry. I would have you do so now.” The queen pointed to the stool beside her feet. The one that her feet had been resting upon only moments ago. Ceit nodded and took a book from the table beside the queen’s chair and arranged her skirts. She was just about to begin when a page rushed in. He whispered in the ear of the Lady of the Bedchamber, the head of the ladies-in-waiting. The older woman approached the queen and whispered to her. Ceit caught Tavish’s name and jerked her eyes up to the queen who was watching her.
“It would seem the young man the king intended to marry you off to has had a spot of trouble. It is most fortunate that you were not in his company when he was attacked.” The queen watched Ceit’s reaction like a hawk waiting for a field mouse to appear.
“Someone attacked Lord Tavish? Here in the castle?”
“So, it would seem. Most dreadful.” The queen peered down her nose at Ceit. “I would have you recite the second poem from the end. It is a favorite of mine.”
Ceit swallowed and bowed her head before speaking again.
“Your Grace, I would ask your leave, so I might see to Lord Tavish. You are aware I have skills with the healing arts. I might be of help.”
“The king’s physician is seeing to him. He does not need you.”
The queen’s words cut deeply, but more so because they echoed the words she said to Tavish. Turnaround was fair play, and hopelessness was an ache that stole her breath.
If this is how I made Tavish hurt, it’s nae small wonder he would ever speak to me again. What have I done? I pushed him so hard that he sought the king to end our betrothal. Then, instead of trying to convince him nae to leave me, I push him even farther away. Someone attacked him just after we parted. If I stayed with him, mayhap it wouldnae happened. Or mayhap he still would have been, but we would have fought back to back. I left him unprotected. I did this.
“Lady Cathryn?”
Ceit looked up at the queen through blurry eyes and tried to compose herself before looking down at the book she held. She opened her mouth to read, but no sound came out.
“Very well. You are excused.” Ceit bowed and backed away as the queen whispered, “You are too late, gal. They will not admit you, and I imagine he will return home as soon as he is well.”
Ceit’s throat pinched as though it was closing, and she made it out the door before she was clawing at the collar of her kirtle. She ran to a large urn and heaved into it. She did not try to muster any guilt. Her body purged itself of the little food she had that day. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a soft hand rubbed her back.
“The queen is only testing you. She wanted to see if you care about Lord Tavish. Her Majesty and the king are partial to the Sinclairs.”
Ceit gripped the sides of the urn as she looked back and found Elizabeth Fraser standing beside her. The other woman handed Ceit a handkerchief which she used to blot the perspiration from her forehead and the spittle from her mouth. She smiled wanly at the other woman.
“Come with me and don’t dilly dally. We haven’t much time.”
“Time? Where are we going?”
“You’re going to see Tavish.”
Ceit would have bristled at the familiar use of Tavish’s name if she did not see the honest concern in Elizabeth’s eyes. She nodded, and Elizabeth led them through the passageways until they entered Elizabeth’s chamber. She walked to the wall behind the bed and pushed aside the tapestry. She pressed somewhere on the wall, and a click sounded before the wall moved.
“Follow me and stay close.” Elizabeth pushed the wall to reveal a doorway and dark corridor beyond. She lifted a lit sconce from beside her bed and raised it to illuminate the dark tunnel. She looked back once more before stepping forward. Ceit rushed to keep up. “Don’t talk. Voices carry both ways. You can listen to all that happens on the other side of these walls just as they can listen to you.”
Elizabeth led them through the tangled maze of steps, slopes, and corridors that existed in the castle's skeleton. They stopped at a wall that appeared solid and like every other one Ceit saw for the past half an hour.
“I grew up in this castle. I learned about these secret passageways when I was a child. Few of us are still here from those days, so few learn of them. The other ladies who use them do so to sneak off to their lovers. You can use them whenever you want to visit Tavish, but do not go by yourself. Not yet at least. It is easy to get lost and turned around in here. I cannot promise I would find you in time.” Elizabeth gave her a pointed look before pulling up a latch Ceit never would have spotted. The wall swung open to a dimly lit chamber empty except for the prone form on the bed.
“I will be back for ye in two hours if I do not see you before that.” With that, Elizabeth resealed the secret portal.
Ceit looked at Tavish and saw his hand move. She froze when she saw a blade in it.
“Dinna fash, Ceit. I smell yer rosemary and thyme. I kenned it was ye before ye even looked over here. What are ye doing here?”
Ceit inched closer to the bed and gasped when she saw Tavish’s bound head, blackened eyes, and the bandage wrapped around his bare ribs. She covered her mouth with her fingers.
“Tav,” she moaned as she dropped onto her knees beside the bed. She clasped her hands and bowed her head in prayer.
The touch of his hand on her head interrupted her thoughts. She looked up at him and saw him watching her.
“How is that ye are soothing me when it should be me tending to ye?”
“I dinna rightly ken. Ye still havenae answered me. What are ye doing here?”
“I was with the queen when I learned of yer attack. I had nae idea it was this serious. Elizabeth Fraser secreted me here. I—I–I had to see ye,” she stammered unable to look him in the eye.
“Ye came through those dark tunnels to see me, but ye willna look at me?” Tavish chuckled then groaned as he pressed his hand against his ribs. “Come up here where I can see ye.” He patted the bed where her folded hands rested.
Ceit sat beside Tavish and looked him over. She took in his battered face and the blood on the bandage from what must have been cuts on both his forehead and the back of his skull. She reached out her hand but snatched it back. Just like when they sat together on the log beside the road, Tavish took her hand in his.
“This is ma fault, Tavish. I ken it had to be ma uncle.”
Tavish furrowed his brow and tried to shake his head, but only groaned and grimaced again. Ceit stroked out the furrows in his brow without forethought. It was only when he caught her hand and brought her palm to his lips did she realize what she had done.
“It isnae yer fault, mo sheillean beag.”
Ceit shuddered at the use of his pet name.
“But it was ma uncle’s men. I’m sure.”
Tavish did not deny her assumption. The tears poured forward. These were tears bottled up over many long years. They were tears of frustration and fear, tears of anguish and misery, and tears of remorse. Tavish pulled her down so her head rested on his chest.
“Let it out, mo ghaol. Ma shoulders are broad enough to carry us both. Let me bear this weight for once.”
“But ye’re injured, and I am pitying maself.”
“We both ken that isnae true. Ye dinna have an ounce of self-pity in ye. If ye did, ye wouldnae fight me at every turn.”
“I should be caring for ye.”
“Dinna worry. I intend to let ye take vera good care of me, but for now, let me do what I have been trying to for days.” Tavish took a deep breath and then scooped Ceit up and over his body to stretch out on the empty side of the bed.
“Tav!” She jerked up as she looked down at him in horror. She looked him over before running her hands over his ribs. “Ye shouldnae have done that. Ye might have hurt yerself worse.”
“I rather like the sound of ye fashing over ma wellbeing. Mayhap I should be poorly more often.” He winked at her.
Ceit sat there only blinking. She had no response for a man who had a head injury and battered ribs but picked her up and moved her about as though she was little more than a bairn. She relented and settled against him.
“If I recall, ye were in the midst of having a good cry.” He kissed the top of her head as he held her against him.
“I dinna mean to do that, and I dinna need to weep anymore.”
“But I ken ye’d be off better for it.”
“Is that how ye handle yer problems? Ye have a good cry?”
“Bzzz,” he whispered.
“Are ye making fun of me?”
“Nae at all. But ye are getting ready to sting me again. I meant that ye might be relieved to flush all yer fear and sadness from yer heart. Then we, or rather ye, can make a plan to go forward.” Tavish trailed off when he realized he was being presumptuous.
“We,” Ceit stated.
She propped herself on her elbow and studied a face that was already so familiar to her. She took in the tiny scar just under his left eyebrow. The small scar at the top of his right cheekbone. The faint freckles she was sure would stand out more in summer. She even noticed a couple of gray hairs poking through at his temples. She brushed these back as she looked down at his deep brown eyes. He watched her every movement but did not try to stop her.
She breathed a deep sigh.
“Tavish, I owe ye so many apologies I dinna even ken where to start.”
“Ye dinna.”
“Ye dinna have to absolve me. I ken ma guilt, and I would accept the consequences. Ye already ken how I came to be at court. Ye ken what I’ve had to do. It hasnae been that long, only a few sennights, but they have seemed longer than all the years of ma life leading up to this. There was always danger at home, but naught like I’ve found since being here. I am sorry for how things started, about ma lying to ye. I am sorry for being so prideful. I havenae been able to trust anyone here, and it’s made me overly self-reliant but also overly confident in ma ability to always take care of maself. I am sorry that I keep refusing yer aid when ye do so nae out of obligation, but I ken it’s because ye want to. That makes ma ingratitude all the worse. I’m sorry for ma unkind words, but it’s easier to push ye away than watch ye leave me on ma own. I’ve already been abandoned by every other mon in ma life. I couldnae bear it with ye. I’m sorry for making it seem as though I dinna want or need ye, or that I only desire ye but nae more than that. That isnae the truth at all.”
Ceit looked down and nervously played with the sheet that rested over his belly.
“I’m scared, Tavish. All the time. Every day. Of everything. I’m so tired, and I want to trust ye, but I’m scared of making a mistake that will cost me ma life, or worse, ma heart.”
“Ceit, mo ghaol, my love, I understand. I canna ruminate aboot the men who have played ye false. It eats at me, and I canna get past ma anger when I let ma mind wander to that. I promise ye that I will take ye away from here if that’s what ye want. I will take ye to Dunbeath whether ye wish to be ma wife or just a member of ma clan with a croft of yer own. I willna leave ye here. But Ceit, I wish ye would understand that I amnae trying to take yer freedom. Just the opposite. I want to offer ye the freedom that others have stolen from ye. I amnae trying to fight yer battles for ye but alongside ye. Back to back. The same as I do with ma brothers and ma da. Hell, even with ma sister a time or two.”
“I understand that now. Ye seem too good to be true. I was having a hard time putting ma faith in ye. We havenae kenned each other long. Ma intuition screams I should trust ye and nae run, but experience has taught me to nae let anyone get too close. Either they turn on me or disappoint me.”
“I will never turn on ye, Ceit. And I will try to nae disappoint ye. And on that matter, I am sorry that I didna forewarn ye of ma past. When we arrived, I didna picture us having a falling out so soon. I left ye unprotected in more than one way. I hope that ye will ken I am telling the truth when I say I dinna want any other woman. I will always be faithful to ye. I pledge that to ye now. On ma honor, I willna ever stray or dishonor ye.”
“Tavish, I never once doubted that. I didna doubt ye when ye promised as much by the fire the other night. Nay, it was just humiliating to realize that others ken ye far better than I do. Other women ken ye carnally in a way I dinna, and others ken yer reputation better than I do.”
Tavish sighed before wrapping his other arm around her with a grunt. Ceit settled against him, so he would not have to reach as far.
“Lass, ye have been told correctly. There is a goodly number of women who I have been intimate with. Ma sisters by marriage warned me ma past would come back to haunt me as nay bride would want reminders of ma misbegotten youth. I didna understand them, so I didna heed their warning. There is a good chance that if a woman here is a widow or a courtesan, then I ken her in some way or another.”
Tavish was unable to look at her when he admitted this. He looked towards the fire and watched it flare and splutter as it swallowed a peat brick, releasing the loamy scent that reminded him of home.
“Ma oldest brother, Callum, and I were vera alike when we sought the attention and distraction of women. It came without much effort to us both, and neither of us saw any reason nae to enjoy what was freely offered. Alex and Magnus are more alike because neither chased after women. Magnus considered himself a married mon for the past seven years, and he pledged himself to Deirdre two years before that. He has been a virtual monk since they were separated. Alex was just more reserved and discreet aboot any women he might have bedded. I wish I could offer ma experience as a boon to ye, but I dinna think hearing aboot it is what ye want. I dinna want the ghosts of ma past to come between us.”
“What will it be like when we go home?” Ceit asked.
Tavish froze and looked down at her, but she was looking out the window. His hand ran up and down her arm and over her shoulder.
“I never dallied with any of the women in the keep. The men in ma family never seek distraction with the servants. We dinna countenance making women fear for their livelihood if they were to turn us down. There are a few women in the village who work at the tavern, but, well, they ken their occupation as well as I do. And,” Tavish paused as he considered what to say next. Ceit lifted her chin and looked up at him. “Isabella is the daughter of one of the clan elders. I’ve flirted with her unabashedly for years, but I havenae ever touched her. Ma sister has warned me that the lass will get the wrong idea and expect me to propose one of these days. I never took Mairghread’s warning seriously until this vera moment. I didna even consider the lass when I left Dunbeath. She is kind, but I dinna ken how she will react if I arrive home with ye as ma—” Tavish was not sure how to finish that sentence. “Mayhap ma da will have told the clan why I am away, and Magnus may do the same when he returns.”
“When.”
“What’s that?”
“When.”
“When what?”
“Ye said ‘if’ I return with ye. I’m saying when I return with ye.”
Tavish stilled and held his breath. He was not sure if he understood her and had no desire to put his foot in it. She nestled closer and ran her hand over his chest.
“Tavish Sinclair, I am going to marry ye. I am going to do ma vera best to be a good wife to ye. I dinna like the idea of meeting women who ken ye better than I do. I dinna like the idea of women trying to steal ye from me. But I also dinna like the idea of going through life without ye, alone. I would be by yer side just as ye always are beside mine. I canna promise I willna be a hornet when I should be, at worst, a bee. But I will try.”
Tavish tipped her chin up and searched her eyes before melding their lips together in a kissed filled with as much longing as there was promise.
“Ceit Comyn, I am going to marry ye. I will always do ma best to be a good husband to ye. I will protect ye from ma past as best I can and from anyone who would seek to do ye harm, be it with sword or words. But make nay mistake, ye already ken me better in a sennight than any woman ever has. I have never spoken so much to any woman. Ceit, what those other women ken aboot me isnae any different from what they would ken aboot any mon with a heartbeat. Ye ken more aboot what I think and feel than just aboot anyone else.”
“Tavish, may I ask ye something?”
“I told ye the other eve that ye can. Though ye find the most uncomfortable things to discuss.”
“I suspect this isnae going to be much different,” Ceit caught herself grimacing at her own thoughts. “Ye seem vera intent upon protecting me. I ken some of it is duty. I am to be yer wife, and I am a woman. But there is something else there, and I dinna understand it. I dinna ken how to phrase this without insulting ye. I dinna mean to imply ye are a coward, but it makes me wonder if ye’re driven by fear.”
Ceit froze and prayed he would not explode. Tavish drew in a breath, and then Ceit caught her own when he shuddered. She looked up to see his eyes pinched closed.
“Tav?” she whispered.
He nodded but said nothing. She waited and feared that she scratched open a wound she could not hope to heal.
“Ma mama passed away a long time ago, but it still seems like yesterday. We were all still young. She fell ill and never recovered. We were all so helpless and could do naught to cure her. I watched her slip further and further away each day despite how she fought to stay with us. I watched the weight of grief almost cripple ma da. I ken without a doubt that if he didna have me and ma brothers and sister to care for, he would have followed her to the grave. Sometimes I sense he is biding his time until he can join her.”
Ceit absorbed his shuddering breaths again and wrapped her arms as tightly as she dared. She waited, content to hold and be held if that was all he wanted. She felt more than saw Tavish sweep his hand over his face.
“I havenae cried since the day ma mama died. I swore I would never cry again.” Tavish buried his nose in Ceit’s hair, and she shimmied up to tuck his head in the crook of her neck. “I havenae ever wanted a wife because I feared I would love her and lose her like Da did with Mama.”
“Mo ghaol, mo chridhe.” Ceit brushed her lips across his forehead much like a mother would a hurt child. She stroked his hair and hummed a tune she had long forgotten until this moment.
“I protect ye, aye, because ye are to be ma wife, and it is ma duty to do so. But I protect ye because I canna picture ma life anymore without ye. I would do aught and everything to keep ye safe. I willna apologize for that, and I willna spare anyone I perceive means to do ye harm.”
“Mo dhìonair, I am lucky to have ye. I didna ken before, and I never would have imagined. Just as ye canna change yer past, I canna undo ma mistakes with ye. But I understand now, and I willna be so selfish. I willna do aught to disregard yer concern or cause ye undue worry.”
“I will always be yer defender. I rather like that title.”
Ceit and Tavish came together in a tangle of arms and mouths. Their tongues slid between their lips and fingers sunk into hair as they pressed their bodies as close as Tavish’s injuries would allow. He rolled her onto her back and propped himself on his forearms, but when the room spun, and his arms shook, Ceit forced him back onto his side of the bed. They looked at one another and laughed. They exchanged a few more tender kisses and caresses before exhaustion from the day’s event caught up with them both. They drifted to sleep in one another’s arms. They were both asleep when Elizabeth slid the hidden door open and caught sight of them. She slid the door shut and smiled to herself as she retreated into the darkness.