Chapter 1 – Harriet
I was starting to feel the discomfort of carrying a child. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy in some ways, but the physical parts of it were hard to contend with. It would have been easier if I was married and had a husband to help take care of me. But I was not that lucky and with each day, my stomach grew larger and the weight of it all was clearer to all involved.
Now I was in the countryside, hiding my shame so that I could give my child away as soon as it was born, forgetting that it ever happened. That was what I was supposed to do, but as the days grew closer to when he or she would be in the world with me, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I had already grown attached, already loved the unborn child in my life. If not to have something to remember their father by, knowing I would never see him again and if I did, it wouldn’t matter. While my family was high up in the clan and my father had some authority, we were still not of royal blood as Damien had been.
But I tried not to think about him, physically shaking my head loose of the thoughts. Why was I thinking about a man that I could not have? I could never have him and he was most likely dead after the last clash with the Samuel clan. I had heard there were many that died and there was a thought that I couldn’t shake off that he had been one of them.
I stared out at the countryside and the cliffs to the west before I went back into the house I was sharing with a distant aunt. She gave me a disapproving look as I came to sit down and I was almost tempted to go back outside, despite the fact that the wind was whipping something fierce out there.
“Come sit down child before you catch your death and neither one of you will survive.”
I did as I was told, though I liked to think that it was just a suggestion instead of an order. In the end it didn’t matter. I was not welcome at my parent’s home until the child was out of me and gone. So for now, Aunt Lea was all there was and I had to watch myself with her. The older woman had a mean streak and something against my mother. I tried to stay out of it and stay out of her way as much as was humanly possible.
“What do you seek out there child? Do you think that Lord Cross will come and rescue you?”
I sighed and nodded my head that I had none of those fantasies in my head. I knew that I was alone and I didn’t need the old crow to remind me of the predicament that I had gotten myself into. It was my fault, even though he had honeyed words and a devilish smile, I should have said no. It was my duty to say no, but when he had touched me, I was sure that my mind had left the very head on my shoulders. I was lost in his kisses and that one night with him in a heat of passion, had changed the very course of my own life. Now I was left with a baby that I had to keep a secret and no one to help me. I was all alone. No one would marry me now, after I had disgraced myself.
So to add insult to injury, my loving aunt decided it was a good time to rub it in. But I could say nothing, so I bit my tongue so hard sometimes that I was sure I was seconds away from tasting blood.
“I know that he is not coming. I just like the fresh air outside.” And the quiet of the lack of her words, yet I didn’t share that little tidbit with her. She smiled at my frown, sure that I was beaten down sufficiently that she could go back to the tapestry that she was working on.
“Yes, it is best to be realistic and not think about the notions of love or you being able to keep that bastard child that you are carrying.”
I tried not to flinch from her words, but my hand went onto my stomach as if to ward my child from her harsh words. She noted the gesture and had a malicious smile on her face. “I only told your mother that I would keep you until the child is born. Without anywhere to go, how can you possibly expect to take care of it? No man will have you, not after all of this, so you might as well get it through your head. There is no happy ending for you, Harriet.”
“You are right. I know you are, but it’s hard to imagine it. I feel so close to him and now that he is getting bigger and kicks all of the time, I don’t know. It’s just different.”
She shook her head that it wasn’t different at all. “Don’t let your emotions get into it. I would have given anything to have had a child with my husband, but we were never blessed at the right time.”
I waited for more, but she didn’t say anything else. I wondered then if that is why she looked at me that way. Was it because of a jealousy of my child? I knew that she didn’t like my mother, but it never occurred to me it could be something else as well. Maybe it was me that should be more cautious with what I say.
“I am sorry to hear that. I guess I never really thought about why you didn’t have any. I must have thought that you just didn’t want children. Some people don’t.”
She shook her head a little and I could see the bitterness in her face. “I was not good enough to be blessed with a child, no matter how much I prayed. And then my William died and I never tried to remarry. How could I, when I knew that I would never love again?”
I didn’t know what to say. It gave me a lot of insight into what it was like in her mind, but I still didn’t know why those facts made her hate me and my mother so much. What did that have to do with my baby? I would have thought that she would want to help, to ease her own pain, but that didn’t seem to be the way she looked at it. Instead it seemed more like if she couldn’t have her baby and be happy, I wouldn’t be able to either.
“You know, not everyone gets the happy ending that your mother got. She was lucky and Lord knows that no one thought her and your father would last, but she surprised us all when you came along and then your brother. Both little miracles.”
She said it as if we were not little miracles, but mud on her shoe and I looked away. I don’t know why I let her get to me so. She was just bitter and at least I knew the reason why now.
“I know that I won’t get my happy ending.” I wanted to assure her that I would be as unhappy as she was, but I didn’t want to push my luck. I was still trying to find a way for her to not send me away with my newborn, but it didn’t seem like anything I said or did was helping my cause. In a way, as my stomach grew, so did her hate for me. The knowledge of why didn’t stop the discomfort of the looks and the worry of what was to happen next.
***
The next day I made sure to stay out as long as I possibly could. The weather was fair and it wasn’t too cold, so it was close to dark when I finally was greeted with her dark scowl. She looked at me as if I had done something wrong and I tried to ignore her. When she asked me where I had been and I told her, she was sure that I was going to get sick and surely die from my walks.
“With such a light constitution, you really should take more care, Harriet.”
I just agreed, as I always did and went up the stairs to my small room at the top. It was hot most of the time, but there was a small window that helped let the light in to make it less dark and uninviting. I sat down on the bed I was given when I moved in and sighed to myself. I was starting to realize that I had to make some sort of plan, though I knew that the options were limited for someone in my position.
There was not much that could be done and in less than a month, I was going to have to make a decision. I knew what my heart wanted, but I tried to be realistic and it wasn’t hard with my aunt constantly reminding me of the impossibility of it all.
I was determined not to let her thoughts get in the way of what I must do though. I was not going to give my baby away and if I was not able to come home, than that was okay. I knew that I would figure something out. I just wasn’t sure what yet. I did not have much of anything to my name and I was depending on my aunt at the moment for everything. I thought of what I had and what would fetch a price in the village. I had to do something and I told myself I would go the next day and sell the few heirlooms that I was given by my mother. I wouldn’t be much, but maybe enough for a time after my aunt made me leave.
I looked out at the cliff side and wondered again if my life was ever going to get better. It seemed like anything I did made it worse and though I missed Damien and the way he had made me feel so special, I knew that I would most likely never see the man again. I had to wonder to myself it was all worth it in the end and I wasn’t so sure that it was.
Could all of this be worth the few moments of passion we shared?