Present

Hanna was fantastic at introducing Will to everyone. He seemed comfortable, more comfortable than I was.

I couldn’t look at Joel. I even managed to avoid saying hello to him in the fray. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he shook hands with Will.

I tried to concentrate on catching up with Leah, but I felt uncomfortable and it was more than simply because I was introducing Will to my friends. I shifted in my seat and found myself staring at Joel, into his furious eyes. I couldn’t look away and as his eyes flicked to my throat and back up to my face I realized it was my necklace that had provoked his fury.

My hands grasped my necklace. I looked back at Leah, who was telling me about Daniel.

Why had I felt the need to wear it tonight? Maybe I wanted to promote some kind of reaction from Joel.

I tried desperately to concentrate on what Leah was saying. I saw Joel get up and go to the bar. A brief reprieve from the pressure on my chest.

I looked around and saw Will, Adam, and Daniel chatting. No doubt about football.

“So, you seem really nervous, are you ok?” asked Leah.

“Sorry, I am listening. I just ... everyone is making such a big deal about it.”

Leah nodded. “Don’t worry. Once everyone has had a drink it’ll be more relaxed.”

We were interrupted by a tray of shots being put in the middle of the table.

“Shots!” Joel announced.

“Good man,” Adam said, picking up a glass. Joel had already downed his.

“Come on, guys!” Joel said. His mood seemed to have improved and he had gone back to ignoring me.

Hanna and Jules were swatting them away and I saw Joel pick up a second shot.

“Come on, Daniel,” Adam said.

Reluctantly Daniel tipped back a shot and I saw Joel reach for a third.

“Come on, girls. Stop being such girls,” Adam said.

This was ridiculous. I pushed out of my seat to go to the restroom.

Bringing Will here had been such a bad idea. Adam was being a prick. Joel was, well, I wasn’t sure what Joel was being. I felt so uncomfortable. The dinner was supposed to take the pressure off. It was supposed to stop Will pushing to meet my friends. It was supposed to show everyone I wasn’t a sad old spinster. It was supposed to make me feel better about not being with Joel.

I opened the door on my way out of the restroom to find Joel leaning against the wall, his head bowed. He looked up and I looked away as I tried to pass him, but he grabbed my elbow.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he hissed.

“Get off me, Joel.” I twisted to free myself, but as he released my elbow, he grabbed my shoulders instead.

“What the fuck!”

“What?” I cried.

“You know what.” His eyes went to my throat again and I covered the infinity symbol with my hand. “You know what,” he repeated, calmer this time. He released me and slumped against the wall. “What are you playing at? You’re not being fair.”

I was rooted to the spot. What could I say? What was I doing? Why had I worn it?

He shook his head and walked out of the corridor and back into the bar and left me before I could say anything.

I steeled myself and went back to the table. Before I sat down, I took a shot from the tray and downed it. This night was a fucking disaster. I just wanted to leave. If I was going to stay, I was going to have to be drunk.

“That’s my girl,” Adam said.

I saw Joel grab another shot.

“I think we’d better get our table. There’s an awful lot of alcohol flowing,” Hanna said.

Not nearly enough, as far as I was concerned. I needed to be numb to survive tonight.

Things started to settle when we were at the table. Will sat between me and Hanna, and Joel was at the other end of the table on my side, so I couldn’t see him. My fingers went to my throat again. We were opposite Daniel and Leah. Daniel could always put anyone at ease, so I concentrated hard, as hard as I could, on being engaged and engaging, delighted and delightful. It was exhausting, but eventually the meal was over.

People were lingering, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Joel and Daniel were arguing over the bill. I threw some cash on the table and went to stand.

“I’m heading off now. I’ve got to be up early.”

Will stood with me. I wanted to get away from him, from everyone.

“You stay. I need to go,” I said to him.

“Ava, I’ll get you home.”

I didn’t want to make a fuss—more of a fuss—so I relented. I waved at everyone, careful to avoid Joel’s eyes, and sped away to the door while Will was shaking hands.

The cool night air was sobering and I was grateful for the space I felt. It didn’t last long, though, as I heard Will come through the door behind me.

“Let’s get a cab,” he said.

“Do you mind if I take my own? I really need a bit of time on my own.”

“Ok.” He sounded a bit pissed off.

“Thanks. It’s just, it’s a lot, you know.”

“No, I don’t know, Ava, to be honest. But whatever. I thought tonight went well. Your friends are very relaxed. They’re happy you have someone, but you don’t seem to be.”

A cab with its light on was approaching, and I stuck my hand out. It pulled in to the curb.

“I’m sorry. It did go well. Thank you. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I kissed him on the cheek and jumped into my cab, desperate to be away.

***

Back in my flat, I undressed quickly, pulled on a cotton camisole and some pajama bottoms, and then headed to the bathroom to take my makeup off. Facing the mirror I saw my necklace, the infinity symbol resting on my collarbone. I pressed it into my skin until it hurt.

I climbed into bed and brought the duvet up to my neck. It was cold. I was cold. I was drunk. I hoped I would pass out soon, and then tomorrow would be a new day.

It was dark. Why was I awake? Was I going to be sick? Then I heard thudding. What was that? Someone was hammering on my door. I looked at the clock. I’d only been asleep about thirty minutes.

Then the doorbell rang. Fucking hell, I was going to start getting abuse from my neighbors. I dragged myself out of bed and padded toward the front door.

I looked through the peephole. It was Will. I was hoping for someone else.

I unchained and unlocked the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just want to know what happened tonight,” he said.

“What? Come in.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Yes, you woke me. Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?”

I closed the door. I really didn’t want to have this conversation—any conversation—with Will right then.

“We’re here now, so what’s the deal?”

“What?”

“Stop playing dumb. We both know you’re not dumb.”

I leaned back on the door as Will stood in front of me, expectant.

“I don’t know what to say.” I examined my toes.

“I just don’t get it. I don’t get you. We get on. I think you think I’m attractive, I make you laugh. You introduce me to your friends ...”

“I’m sorry.” I shouldn’t have let him come tonight. I hadn’t been fair.

“Sorry for what, Ava?”

I didn’t respond.

“You ignored me all evening. I didn’t even kiss you tonight. I’ve barely touched you. We’ve been seeing each other—”

“I know.”

“You know what?”

“I’m not ... I’ve not been behaving properly ...”

“What?! I’m not asking you to behave properly. I’m asking you how you feel.”

He walked toward me and reached out his hand to touch my face. I wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. I quickly moved away and Will slumped in his body.

“Well, I think you just answered my question. I guess we’re done.”

“I’m sorry. You are a great guy.”

“I know.”

I grinned and caught his eye. “And you do make me laugh.”

“Can I ask if it’s Adam? Are you in love with him?”

“Adam? No!”

“It’s just you always talk about him and ...”

“Really, it’s not Adam.”

“But it is someone?”

I nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ve been unfair to you.” Joel had been right.

He nodded and left. And I felt relief. And then guilt.

This is why I didn’t date. There would always be someone else.

I climbed back into bed. The alcohol had disappeared, and without it I was wide awake with my thoughts. I tried to distract myself and reached out and checked my phone. Nothing. Why had I not heard from Jules? Surely she’d want to give me her verdict on Will. Maybe she was still out. With Joel. Joel who was very drunk. Joel who was very angry with me. I knew I didn’t like indifferent Joel. But angry Joel? I really didn’t like him. And I didn’t like him out with Jules.

Despite it being late, I called her. I wanted all my bad news all at once.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Where are you?” I asked.

“Just got back. Is Will not with you?”

“We broke up.”

“What? What do you mean you broke up?”

“What happened after I left the restaurant?” I asked.

“Well, apparently you broke up with Will. What the fuck’s going on, Ava?”

“Look, I was a bitch to him. I shouldn’t have invited him tonight. I did it because I thought I should, and he was putting a bit of pressure on me to ramp things up, and I shouldn’t have done it. I jerked him around and he dumped me.”

“He dumped you?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Well, we had a fight and he left. I’m not sure technically who did it, but we are no longer together. Not that we really ever were.”

“And that’s that?”

“Don’t say it like that.” I exhaled.

“Like you don’t care?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you?”

“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t pretend that I’m all broken up about something I’m not all broken up about.”

“OK. So back to me. That hot waiter gave me his number,” Jules squealed.

“Which waiter?” I’d barely registered we’d eaten, let alone done a hotness survey on the staff. “I thought you were totally into Joel.”

“Joel who? Did you see the ass on our waiter? Anyway, Joel behaved like a prick tonight. He was way too drunk and grouchy as hell. No wonder he’s friends with Adam. I’m done with him.”

“You are?”

“Well tonight I am. I have Jackson’s number!”

I had a brief reprieve. “The waiter’s name was Jackson?”

“That’s what I’m calling him. I don’t know what his actual name is.”

We giggled, and having confessed my sins to Jules and knowing she wasn’t with Joel, we said our goodbyes and I drifted off to sleep.

Past

We changed after spending New Year together at Joel’s. I didn’t change, Joel didn’t change, but we did. The mutual declaration of our feelings and the time we spent together, just him and me, shifted something. It made me more confident in his feelings for me. But it wasn’t just the words that made me feel that way. It was the way I’d catch him smiling at me when he didn’t think I couldn’t see. The way he had to touch me whenever he got the chance. The way that he knew what I wanted before I wanted it. Just before I got cold, he brought me a blanket. Just before I got thirsty, he offered me a drink. We were connected. For infinity.

“I can’t wait to see you,” I said into the phone.

I extended my stay with Joel, but eventually I had to go back to my parents’ to organize myself for the new semester.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he replied.

“It’s only been three days,” I said. We were being ridiculous.

“I know. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“So first night back is Adam’s 21st.” He reminded.

“Oh, yes. I’d forgotten.”

Adam had been banging on about his 21st forever. He said no one ever wanted to celebrate his birthday because it came so soon after Christmas, so this year he was going to make up for all the birthdays he didn’t feel had been celebrated properly. Great. I just wanted to spend my evening, every evening, with Joel.

“So I’ll see you in the Union bar at 2 p.m.?”

“We’re starting at 2 p.m.?”

“Yup.”

“Holy fuck.”

“Yup. Wear something sexy.”

I laughed. “Like what? It will be 2 p.m. in the afternoon in the Union bar, where the tables will be unwiped and the floor will be sticky with last semester’s beer. You want me in a tight skirt and stilettos? I’ll look like the hired stripper.”

“I always want you, whatever you wear, even if you don’t make it as a lawyer and you have to become a stripper.”

“Right answer, l think.”

Joel laughed. “You make everything sexy. So I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” he parroted.

“Ok, loser.”

“For infinity,” he said

I grinned. “For infinity.”

***

“I’m not waiting any longer for you. We’ll see you up there,” Adam said.

He was raging. Hanna and I wanted to unpack properly before we started drinking. I didn’t think it was so unreasonable. Even Jules, who was never concerned with being organized, was still rearranging her wardrobe.

“We won’t be long. You boys can manage without us for half an hour or so, can’t you?” Hanna was trying to reason with Adam, which never worked. It was best just to ignore him.

“Whatever. I told Joel I’d be there at 2 p.m., so I’m off. Are you coming, guys?”

Adam headed out and Matt and Daniel trailed behind him.

I was as keen as the next person to be up at the Union bar but even I could wait 30 minutes.

“You look nice.” Jules turned to me as we headed out.

“Thanks,” I said, grinning like a crazy person. I couldn’t wait to see him. I’d resisted the short skirt and stilettos, but I had put on some kitten heels with my jeans and worn a low cut top instead of my favorite, hand knitted sweater that I probably would have worn if I wasn’t seeing Joel.

After we reached the Union bar, I stood on tiptoe to look over Jules’ shoulder, trying to catch my first glimpse of him.

There he was. Leaning over the pool table about to make a shot.

I had to chew on my thumb to disguise my smile. I loved the jeans he was wearing. They were my favorite. They clung in just the right places, and they were lower on the hips than some of his others, which meant as he leaned over the pool table there was an exposed inch of flesh above his waistband for me to imagine my fingers running over. I brought my fingers to my throat. Infinity. I hadn’t taken it off since he gave it to me. I slept in it and showered in it. I glanced at his arms reaching across the table and saw his leather-wrapped wrist.

As if he sensed me watching, he grinned, made the shot, and then turned straight toward me as if he knew exactly where I’d be standing. He held my gaze until I looked away.

Over Christmas, we’d never spoken about being more public with our relationship. I didn’t think about it. I wondered if Joel had. What was he expecting?

I waved at Daniel, who Joel was playing pool with, but was interrupted by Matt grabbing me and hugging me. Everyone was in such a good mood, including me.

We headed over to the bar and started to order drinks. I felt Joel come up behind me.

“Hey,” he whispered in my ear. I turned and put my arms around him and pulled him close.

“I thought I was the one supposed to be the one who dressed sexy today?” I whispered in his ear.

“You did.” His hand slid to my ass. “But I like that you think I did.” I wriggled away from him, hoping that everyone didn’t spot his hand and thought we were just having a welcome-back hug.

Joel fingered the infinity symbol and nodded almost imperceptibly.

Jules was hugging everyone and Joel and I got pushed apart in the ruckus. Adam was clearly pleased that everyone had made it out to celebrate with him, and he wasted no time in getting drinks in for everyone.

Hanna and I sat down at a table close to the boys playing pool. It was a wooden booth with padded seats that had seen better days. The Union bar was not the most glamorous place in the world, in fact it probably was one of the least glamorous places in England, but with all my favorite people in it, it felt like home.

“You look happy,” Hanna said.

I looked at Joel. “I am. What about you and Matt? You guys seem happy.”

“We are. He’s my best friend. You know?”

I nodded. I knew what she meant. Joel and I hadn’t been seeing each other for as long as she and Matt, but the connection that she and Matt had, I appreciated more than ever before. I was truly happy that she might be as happy as I was.

Jules was flirting with Daniel. Daniel didn’t seem to even notice. Daniel was too focused on the pool game. Jules had such a thick skin that his lack of reciprocation didn’t seem to affect her at all. She just moved onto Joel. She stroked his arm as he stood waiting for Daniel to take his shot, with his pool cue between his legs. I wondered how he would react. Would he flirt back? I think it might kill me a little if he did, even though I was sure of his feelings for me. But he didn’t react, he didn’t move, he didn’t brush her off, he didn’t do anything. I knew Jules well enough to know that that wasn’t much of a disincentive to her. She would just up her game.

I was right. Daniel made his shot, lost, and Joel started to circle the table, looking for his next shot. Jules followed him. He squatted down to see the table at a different angle and Jules squatted with him and, accidently-on-purpose she lost her balance and used Joel’s body to steady herself.

“Adam, Jules needs some looking after. I think the alcohol is taking its toll already,” Joel said as he stood upright abruptly, and walked away from a slightly shell-shocked Jules. There’d been no doubt that he wasn’t interested. He looked over at me and rolled his eyes. I loved him just a little bit more at that moment, if that was even possible.

At various points throughout the afternoon, Joel and I managed a few private moments together. He sat next to me at our table for a few minutes when he lost his pool game to Daniel. He arm went around the back of the bench on which we were sitting, behind me. It felt like a thing a couple would do, it felt nice. His leg brushed against mine and I felt a heat within me. I was desperate to reach across and breathe him in, to stroke his leg, to kiss him.

What was stopping me? Joel wanted me. That was enough wasn’t it? Did it matter that people would think I wasn’t good enough for him? How much pressure could that put on our relationship? ‘Infinity’, right?

I brought my hands to my lap and brushed his knee with my fingers. He stopped mid-flow of whatever it was he was chatting to Matt about, closed his eyes, turned his head to me, and opened his eyes. They were burning. He wanted me. Right then, I knew if I asked him to take me home that moment, it would be all he wanted to do. With just a slight touch of my hand I’d ignited something in him. It was such a powerful feeling.

“Joel?”

I broke our gaze and looked at Matt, who had clearly just asked Joel a question or his opinion on something.

“Yeah, I agree mate.”

I wasn’t sure what he just agreed with. I wasn’t sure that Joel knew what he just agreed with, but it broke the spell between us, and Joel excused himself to go to the restroom.

***

We finally left the Union bar late into the evening and managed to make it to our local club. It was packed, typical for a first night back. Tonight I couldn’t wait to get to the dance floor. I was euphoric. Jules and Hanna clearly felt the same—we headed to the dance floor as soon as we got inside the club.

I turned my head to check Joel was behind us, and he was watching me try to find him. He nodded in the direction of the bar, letting me know where he’d be when we were done. I didn’t want to lose him, in any sense, tonight. Last time we’d been out like this, we ended up having a fight. I didn’t want that to happen again. I would make sure no one touched me except Joel tonight.

Dance music was throbbing through the floors and walls of the club. It wasn’t normally my type of music, but I was desperate to work off the extra energy I had. Jules, Hanna, and I formed a tight triangle and started to move to the beat of the music. The monotony of the music allowed me to empty my mind of what was going on around me. I just concentrated on my limbs and the music. A thin layer of sweat formed over my skin and I lifted my hair to feel air on my neck, never losing the rhythm.

One tune morphed into another and another until Jules brought me back to reality with a hand on my shoulder. She mimed a drink and pointed at the bar. I pointed down toward the dance floor indicating I was staying put. She and Hanna were swallowed up by the crowd.

Not even a second later I felt a hand on my waist and I spun around, ready to slap someone, but I came face to face with Joel. My heart melted and my pulse quickened. He pushed his knee between my thighs and pulled my bottom toward him. He knew exactly what to do to me. He licked his lips and I was mesmerized by them. I knew what they could do.

The combination of the alcohol, the music, the tightly packed bodies and Joel—most importantly Joel—set me alight. I pushed my palms up his chest and pulled my hands around his neck, moving up and down on his thigh. He felt so good. I’d missed him. I’d not seen him in nearly a week and it was too long. He gazed at me and the rest of the people on the dance floor melted away. It was just Joel and me in our bubble.

I wanted him as turned on as I was so I slid around in his arms so my back was against his chest. He brought his hands to my hips and as he did I circled my bottom in time to the music, pressing against his denim. He responded by pulling my hips closer, letting me feel his growing desire for me. I wanted to be naked right then. Naked and in private so all the fantasies that were crowding my head could become a reality. I put my hands over Joel’s and we continued to move like that, in perfect time, the tension between us building minute by minute.

I felt Joel’s breath on my neck and then the slightest feel of his lips on my shoulder. I felt him trying to hold himself back and I gasped. Knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him was the biggest turn on. This beautiful man behind me was mine. The sounds I could elicit from him, the way his eyes would beg for my body so his mouth never had to, it made me feel so powerful, and sexy. I didn’t care who saw us, who knew. Joel wanted me and I wanted him, and that was enough.

I turned in his arms again and pulled his head down and kissed him, quickly slipping my tongue between his lips. He hesitated for a second before returning my kiss as if a dam burst. His tongue pushed against mine, delving deeper, wanting more. He reached behind me and pulled me up and I brought my legs around his waist, not breaking our kiss. My hair fell like curtains around us and our mouths were hidden. I felt Joel start walking but I couldn’t break away from our kiss to find out where he was taking us. Then I felt a wall behind me and Joel pressed me against it with his hips.

“Jesus, I’m going to take you right here if we don’t leave now,” he growled against my neck and circled his hips, his erection digging into me.

My hand reached for his cock that I could feel hard between my legs and he pulled away sharply.

“Seriously. If you don’t want to be fucked against that wall then—”

He didn’t finish his sentence. He just pulled me by the hand and marched through the crowds, me trailing behind him, having to run every couple of steps so I kept up with him. He was a man on a mission, a mission to fuck me senseless.

“Joel, what about the others?” We hadn’t told anyone we were leaving.

“I don’t give a shit about anything but getting inside you.”

He practically shoved me into a cab and clamored on top of me, pushing his hands against my breasts.

“Joel.” I tried to push him off me. Despite the mixture of alcohol and desire coursing through me, I was embarrassed about PDAing in front of the cab driver. Joel relented and threw himself back in his seat.

He leaned forward. “How long until we get there?” he asked the cab driver. He was being ridiculous. It was a five minute cab ride to his house.

“It’s five minutes away, unless you get your dick out and then I’m taking you straight to the police station.”

I giggled. Joel scowled at me and then started to laugh with me. He pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my head.

“I forget myself when I’m around you, Ava.”