Past

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face the next day. I felt mildly irritated at Jules and Hanna’s concern, which I assured them was misplaced, but I managed to dismiss it fairly easily. Nothing other than my degree and Joel really mattered. Joel and I had agreed to keep our relationship a secret until after finals so I could concentrate on studying. He seemed happy about it.

Jules swirled into the block, her hands waving about above her, deep in conversation with a very handsome boy who was following along behind her. I grinned at her. How did she manage to live so completely unselfconsciously?

“Anyway, I have to spend time with my friend Ava, so you can’t stay,” she said to the boy. He scowled at me and headed off as Jules directed.

I looked at her. “Are we due a girls’ date?”

“If there’s vodka involved, then of course! I’ll grab the Stoli. You get the glasses.” Jules headed to our communal freezer. Jesus, it was only 4 p.m., and I should be studying, but I was in the library when it opened at 7 a.m. and then all afternoon in lectures. I felt studied-out, and the thought of vodka made my decision final. Studying would wait for tomorrow.

“Where’s Hanna?” I asked as she came back with the half-full bottle of vodka. She shrugged. I wandered down the corridor and hammered on the door. “What?” I heard from inside and I pushed the door open into darkness. “Hanna?” I spoke into the darkness. “I hope you woke me up for something good,” she snarled. Hanna never snarled.

“Is vodka good enough?” As I stepped into the room, I could vaguely make out a Hanna-shaped lump under her duvet. I plunked myself down on the bed and managed to sit on her foot.

“Ouch! Maybe.”

“Why are you asleep, anyway?” I asked.

“Don’t judge me,” she moaned. “Adam was shagging someone at all hours last night and that fucking squeaking bed of his kept me awake.”

I giggled. “Bless him, he’ll be trying to shag Jules out of his system.”

“Who’s trying to shag me out of their system?” Jules appeared at the doorway. “What are you doing in bed?” she asked Hanna.

“Fucking hell.” Hanna sat up, obviously giving up on getting any more sleep.

Jules set the glasses and the bottle on the desk and set about pouring the first drinks of the day. “Do we drink too much?” I mused, almost to myself.

“We’re students. It’s part of the curriculum,” Jules responded. “Anyway, back to me. Who is shagging me out of out of their system?”

“Adam,” I said.

“Oh, right. Like that will ever happen. “

“Trust me, he kept me awake last night, hence the pajamas at 4 p.m.,” Hanna said.

“Oh, I believe you. I just don’t think he’ll get me out of his system,” Jules said.

“Because you’re so awesome?” I asked. Jules made me laugh, even when she didn’t try.

“Well, yes, that and I just think he gets attached really quickly and I think I gave him the night of his life. Seriously.”

She was right. Adam did get attached easily. I hoped he wasn’t too bruised by the Jules Experience. Deep down—deep, deep down—Adam was a sweet, sensitive boy.

“Maybe we should take lessons from you,” I quipped.

Jules ignored the sarcasm. “Sure. I give awesome blowjobs. I could show you. Do you have a banana in here, Hanna?”

“Eww. I really don’t want to see you giving head to a banana,” I responded. Hanna slumped back into the mattress, covering her face with her hands.

“Well, I’m sure Adam wouldn’t mind me demonstrating on him with you watching. In fact, I’m sure he mentioned that might be a fantasy of his. Shall I ask him?” She grinned a very wicked grin.

“You are gross. Next you’ll be suggesting we pay per view.”

“You’re a genius, Ava, anyone ever tell you that?”

***

Right there, in that bubble that contained just Joel and me and our faith in each other, I assumed that that was it. We would stay right here, blissfully happy and in love. Somehow I forgot that University was a temporary situation and that we would all be forced into a change of circumstance. I didn’t try not to think about these things, I just hadn’t thought about them.

Sitting in the pub around our usual table that evening, with Joel on one side of the table and me on the other, both of us desperately trying not to touch each other, or look at each other, Jules started talking about her summer plans.

“We’re going to start in Rio, but I’ve heard it doesn’t live up to the hype, so we might not stay there for long.” She was backpacking through South America with a girl from her class. She’d never mentioned it before, at least not to me. And that led to Daniel saying how he was going to New York to intern at an investment bank. And Matt and Hanna were moving to London—both had graduate jobs lined up, which I remember hearing about but not paying much attention to. Joel said nothing and I looked at him, panic strewn across my face and bile rising in my stomach. I pushed myself up from the chair and fled to the bathroom.

We’d never talked about it. Never. We’d never discussed what would happen after all this. Everything for me had been focused on finals. He must have plans, right? Didn’t we all have plans? I would go to law school in London for a year and then start my training contract at the law firm, but that had been settled for almost a year. All lawyers had their lives planned out for the next decade as soon as their degree started. We didn’t need to think about anything. But economists? What did you do after an economics degree? Teach? Win a Nobel Prize or something? I had no clue.

Why hadn’t Joel and I discussed this?

Joel was a planner. He wouldn’t not have thought about it. He must have just decided not to talk to me about it. I guess he didn’t want to burst our bubble until the last possible moment. If his plans were good news for us, then he wouldn’t have kept them to himself. My heart was racing as reality crashed around me.

I was supposed to go to Joel’s tonight, but a huge part of me didn’t want to face the inevitable news when I asked him about life after University.

How had we not spoken about this? Last night we were so connected, so together and now, what? Was this a temporary thing for him? Was I just a University love that at some point in the future, he’d tell his wife about?

I felt sick. I splashed some water on my face, pulled my shoulders back, and made my way out to the bar. Joel was waiting for me when I opened the door, leaning against the wall.

“Hey,” he said.

I managed to pull my lips into a shape that kind of resembled a smile, but even I knew it wasn’t very convincing.

“Are you ok? You looked a bit green there for a minute.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m ok. I think. I don’t know.” I realized I was still nodding, so I stopped myself.

“You want to talk about it?”

My nodding started again. “Later.”

Joel looked confused, but we couldn’t have the conversation now and he seemed to understand that. He didn’t push me any further. He reached for my fingers with his, just for a second, not that anyone would know, and then he went into the restroom. I rounded the corner back to our table.

I couldn’t drink any more. I needed a clear head. I needed to think. Around this table, with some of my favorite people in the world, was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in Joel’s arms. I wanted him to tell me that he’d found a job in London and that he thought we should move in together and start real life after University. But if he’d found that job in London, he would have said so, wouldn’t he? If he’d wanted to move in together, he would have told me by now, right?

If he wanted our lives together to start in real life, then I would know.

***

Joel looked sad as opened the door later that evening. He knew I was upset. I could fake it with the others, but never with him. He could tell.

He wanted me happy. He thought last night had made me happy, and it had. I couldn’t ask more of him, could I? Hadn’t he done everything I’d wanted? He pulled me toward him, my cheek finding its familiar spot against his chest. I sighed.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I didn’t want him upset.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked.

“Worrying you. Spoiling your evening.”

“An evening with you is never a spoiled evening, Ava. What’s up?”

We made our way to his kitchen in what had become a familiar routine of getting water and turning off lights before we headed to his bedroom. I’d never recognized it as a routine before; I was always too busy concentrating on what was to come. His body, mine, entangled, writhing, wanting in pleasure and release. But this routine and the fact that it was routine was comforting, and something we wouldn’t be doing too much longer. Well, not here, anyway.

Maybe not anywhere. Time was running out.

We both crawled up his bed and lay fully clothed on our sides facing each other.

“I just ...” I started. “We’ve just ... I was thinking ...”

Joel laughed. “Spit it out, baby. I want to get to the naked part of the evening.” I pushed his chest.

“We’ve never talked about what happens after finals. And everyone talking about their plans tonight, it just made me wonder. I’ve never heard about you talk about your plans and I ... just ... you know.”

Joel grinned at me. “I love you. You know that, right?”

I nodded.

“And you love me, right?” he asked.

I nodded again.

“Good,” he said as if something had been resolved.

“So, actually, I had some news this week that I hope is exciting for both of us.”

My eyes widened. I’d been with him all week. How had he had exciting news without me knowing about it? He was grinning at me, clearly excited.

“You know I’ve not applied for any of these graduate programs. I just can’t see myself in some big corporation working my way up the ladder. That’s Matt and Adam, but it’s not me.”

I nodded. He was right. He wouldn’t be happy in a job like that.

“I feel I just need to get out there and try a few things. Work with different people and get inspiration.”

I nodded again. What did that mean for us? What was the good news? Would he just get to the point already?

“I’ve been chatting to my entrepreneurial economics professor about all sorts of stuff, because you know how I love that class, right?” His speech was picking up, he was getting excited.

“The American guy supervising your thesis?”

“Yeah, that’s the guy. And so we were chatting a few weeks ago about new ways of financing start-ups, and he put me in touch with a contact of his in New York who is working in the same area as some of the stuff I’ve been working on.”

“Ok,” I said cautiously.

“He’s got tons of contacts, right, because he used to work in Silicon Valley and he spent years in New York.”

“Yes, I remember you telling me that.”

“So anyway, I was talking to this guy in New York about some of the things I’ve been working on, and he offered to fly me out to meet him to go through some aspects of my research that he thinks might work in his business, which is all about matching investors with entrepreneurs and how investing should be more democratic.”

“That’s what you’re always saying to me—the lack of information thing.”

“Yeah, exactly. He’s doing in practice some of the stuff I’ve been talking about to you.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s so exciting. A trip to New York! That’s great.” I was so proud. The guy must have been really impressed with Joel on the phone.

“Well, of course, I told him I couldn’t go.” I opened my mouth to ask him why, but before the words came out he said, “I can’t, Ava. I mean, it’s great and flattering and everything, but I’ve got finals and I can’t just take a couple of weeks out to swan off to New York.”

“I guess.” I was sad for him. It sounded like such an amazing opportunity. “Are you sure you can’t make it work? Things like that don’t come up that often.”

“So that’s what I’ve been thinking. I thought maybe after exams. I mentioned that to him yesterday and out of nowhere he offered me a job. For twelve months. Working with him and his team in New York.”

“Oh my god.” I jumped up onto my knees. “Just like that?”

He nodded.

“Well, that just proves you are the cleverest, most charming man ever.”

“Well, you have to say that.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“It’s true, I do.” He grabbed me and we fell back on the bed.

“Can you believe it?” Joel asked looking at me with amazement in his eyes.

“Yes, Joel, I can believe it. You’re amazing and talented, and I think you’re going to take life by the balls.” But what about us? What about me? I was losing him.

“So you’ll come with me?” he asked.

“To New York?”

“Yes, with me. We can go together.”

Tension eased away. So he had thought about us. He had considered us after University life. How could I have doubted him? But New York?

“For the summer?” I needed clarification. What was he asking? What did he want?

“For the year. While I’m there.”

I grew dizzy. I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or excitement. “Wow.” It was all I could manage. I couldn’t think about what that would mean, other than that it would mean that I would be with Joel.

“But law school … my job?” I asked tentatively. I didn’t want to burst his bubble, our bubble. But the reality was that I had at least the next three years of my life planned out in London.

“Could you postpone? I heard some people postpone those jobs.”

“God, Joel. I don’t know. I’ve had three seconds to get used to this. I don’t know.” Things started to whir in my head. Maybe I could postpone. Maybe I could take the New York bar? Holy crap.

He reached for my hand and linked his fingers with mine. “I know it’s all kinda unplanned and stuff, but I want you with me, Ava. I want us to share this next chapter in our lives. I want to live this adventure with you.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

“I love that you do.” It was true. I was so relieved. “Let me do some research and speak to my firm and stuff. And my parents. God, my parents. You know they are helping me pay for law school. I’m not sure how they’ll feel about New York.”

He squeezed my hand again, like he was transferring his energy and ambition to me.

I grinned. “This is so exciting.”

***

“New York? To do what, exactly?” It was precisely the reaction I expected from my father. I may have secretly wanted something more, but if I was honest with myself, this is what I expected.

I’d come home because I thought I should get some space from Joel while I tried to get things straight in my head, and I needed to talk to my parents about my potential change in plans.

“To experience life.” It even sounded lame to me. “To take some time out. Have a gap year. Live in another country.” Yes, that was better. It was half-true as well. I did want all those things

“On your own? It’s a dangerous city. And why there? What about Australia or New Zealand? Or you could spend the summer in Cornwall.” I could hear concern in my mother’s voice. They didn’t understand that the most valuable thing of all would be there—Joel. Joel and me. We would still be together.

“Australia and New Zealand are no better, as far as I’m concerned. What about law school?” my father snapped.

“It’s just a year, Dad. I can defer my place for a year, I’m sure. Anyway, I’m just thinking about it.”

“And what about your job?”

I’d already secured a job at one of the top law firms in the country. They were paying my tuition for my year at law school and my father had agreed to pay my living expenses. They didn’t have a lot of money. It was incredibly generous of them. I had a suspicion that they must have been spending most of their rainy day savings on me.

My mom was a nurse and my father a middle manager in the hospital she worked in. They had met there and worked most of their careers there. They had both worked hard to get what they had: Their slice of suburbia, kids who went to University, a trip to Spain once a year, and a retirement fund that would see them through. It was what they wanted and worked for all their lives. It was what I’d grown up with, and yet it seemed a bit empty. I felt guilty for feeling that. They were lucky, and they wanted the same for me, but I wanted something more. It wasn’t just Joel. It was just something more.

“Well, I thought I could call them and at least ask if I could postpone my start date by a year.”

“That won’t create a very good impression, will it? They offer you this job that pays a ridiculous amount of money and you say you don’t want to start when they tell you.”

It wasn’t unusual for start dates to get moved forward by six months or a year. I couldn’t be bothered to explain that to my father. He wasn’t in a listening mood anymore. My mother’s eyes were in her lap. She wasn’t sticking up for me.

“Well, I could ask,” I said softly.

“They might end up giving the job to someone a little more grateful.”

I pushed up out of my chair and headed to the kitchen. My parents just wanted the best for me. I understood that. I wanted them to be reassured by me. I didn’t want them to be unhappy.

“And I wouldn’t be going on my own,” I called from the kitchen.

“Oh?” my mother asked.

“Yes, there’s a guy fr—”

“Well, now we’re getting down to it,” my father said. “You’re going to throw in your education and the chance for a good life for some bloke. Some drifter who wants to bum around and not get a proper job.” He was raising his voice, something that didn’t happen very often.

My heart sank. Maybe I should have told them about Joel before now. They would have met him maybe and seen who he was. They would have seen how much he loved me and that he would never ask me to give up anything ... except he was, wasn’t he? He was asking me to give up my plans. Ok, just for a year, but what about after then? What happened after a year? Would it be another year and another year after that?

Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I was being reckless.

“Tell us about this boy, honey.” My mom was more conciliatory than my father.

“Well I’ve been seeing him—”

“Are you pregnant?” my father asked.

Oh my god. I rolled my eyes.

“Geoff, listen and let her tell us.”

“No, Dad, I’m not pregnant. Of course I’m not pregnant. I’ve been seeing Joel, and he’s got this amazing opportunity to work at a start-up in New York. He wants me to go with him.”

“He wants you to give up your plans so he can do what he wants to do?” my mother asked.

“Mom, it’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Wasn’t it?

“No, it’s not. His opportunity can’t be put off for a year like mine.”

“You don’t know yours can. Don’t think I’m going to pay for law school when you’re 45 with three kids, divorced, broke with no career of your own, regretting you ever met this Joe person.”

“His name is Joel, Dad.”

“Does it matter?” It mattered to me. “Is he going to marry you?”

“I’m not planning on taking a 20-year gap year. It would be for 12 months.”

“Until he asked you to stay another year,” my mom said quietly. Like she didn’t quite want to say it. Was she right? Was he asking too much? I’d been thrilled that he’d asked me. Thrilled that he’d thought about us after University, but maybe he’d just been thinking about him.

“Does he have money?”

What was he asking me, whether I was after Joel for the money?

“How are you going to live for the year?”

“I’d get a job in a bar or something. And Joel has a job out there.”

I hadn’t thought through the logistics. I concentrated on the big problems. Like getting my parents on board and thinking about deferring law school and my job.

“So after a law degree, my daughter ends up working in a bar. Just what I wanted for you.” He picked up his car keys and stormed outside, slamming the front door behind him.

I slumped forward in my chair, my head in my hands.

“What did you expect, Ava?” Mom asked. They were not comforting words, but she was right. His reaction was what I expected.

“Maybe I should go.”

“Don’t be silly. Dinner will be ready soon and your father never misses my Saturday night curry. He’ll come back and things will get better, whatever you decide. Don’t leave on an argument.”

Maybe food would put him in a better mood. Maybe it would put me in a better mood.

“Ok, I might go and have a quick nap before dinner.” I really wanted to speak to Joel. I needed his reassurance.

“Ok, no longer than half an hour, though.”

I plodded upstairs to my old bedroom that seemed so unfamiliar to me now. Like I hadn’t slept there for the first 18 years of my life. I wasn’t sure why they’d not turned it into a guest room. It’s not like I was going to live at home again. It was bigger than my not-so-little brother’s room and looked over their small but perfectly formed garden. It would make a nice guest room.

I collapsed on the bed and called Joel.

“How did it go? Have you told them?” He seemed touchy.

“Of course I’ve told them. That’s why I’m here.”

“And?”

“And it went down like a cup of cold puke.”

“A delightful image, thanks.”

“You’re very welcome. It’s no more than you deserve.”

“What have I done?”

“Nothing.” Everything. Why couldn’t he just find a job in London like the rest of our graduating year? Why did he have to go to New York?

I told him in detail about the conversation with my parents. He was very quiet.

“You know it’s your decision and not your parents’, though, don’t you?”

“Joel.”

“I mean it, Ava. You’re going to be 21 this summer.”

“It’s not just about how old I am, Joel. This is hard. They’ve worked hard to put me through University and to create this life that I have. To not respect what they are saying now ... I just ... It’s just hard.”

“I want you to come with me,” he said.

“And I love that you do.”

“Does that mean that you will?”

“It means that I love that you want me to come, and I need time to figure stuff out.”

“You mean you need your parents’ permission, just like you need your friends’ approval about our relationship. Jesus, Ava, why don’t you just decide what you want? You.”

“It’s not that simple!”

I was likely to cry if I didn’t consciously try to keep it together. I didn’t want to be the crying girlfriend. Anger would deflect my tears. “And what happens after a year, Joel? Do we come back to London so I can go to law school? Will you promise me now that New York will only be for a year?”

“You know I can’t promise that.”

At least he wasn’t lying to me. There were no guarantees.

As if he could read my thoughts, he said, “I can promise you that I’ll love you for infinity. I don’t want to fight. If you decide not to come with me, then that’s ok. I just want you to make the decision and not to be persuaded by what your friends and family say.”

“What if I ask you not to go?” My hand was trembling as I said it. I knew I shouldn’t.

“I know you. You won’t ask. You know that I won’t get this opportunity again. I don’t have a path mapped out for my career like you do. I’m going to need to take chances and risks to do what I have to do. To carve out my career for myself. To prove to people like your father that I’m worthy.”

“You don’t need to prove anything to my father.”

“Really?”

I understood what he was saying, and he was right: I would never ask him to stay. I couldn’t handle that kind of pressure, wondering if he would resent me for it.

For me, it was a straight choice between my head and my heart. Between the obligation to my parents and my obligation to myself.