Past

Joel was supposed to be picking me up from the station nearest his house. The journey felt like it had taken days. I was so excited to see him that I wanted to fast-forward the bits without him. I couldn’t see him as I searched the concourse. The train was over half an hour late, so maybe he thought I’d missed the train and left.

I saw his grin before I saw anything else. About 50 feet away, he was standing stock still as people rushed past either side of him. His hands were in his pockets and there he was, grinning at me. I couldn’t help but stop and grin back. His hair had grown and somehow it looked lighter than usual. I ran at him, pulling my case behind me. As I reached him I released my hand on my case and it fell with a crash to the floor. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him. He caught me and laughed into my neck as I hugged him as hard as I could.

“Anyone would think you were pleased to see me¸” he said.

I pulled my head to his and started kissing his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips.

“I am very pleased to see you, and unless you want us arrested for public indecency, I suggest you take me home and get me naked.” Two weeks had seemed like an eternity.

“Hmmm, about that.”

I jumped down from Joel and he picked up my case from the marble tile. We headed to the car, my arms wrapped around Joel’s middle, his free arm slung across my shoulder. “About what?”

“The naked thing. I don’t want you to freak out, but things have kind of shifted on my end.”

My stomach hit the floor. What was he saying? Didn’t he want me here?

“My parents’ plane was canceled this morning. Bad weather. They are on another plane tomorrow morning. They’ll be gone before you wake up.”

It took me a few seconds to digest what he was saying. “So your parents are at your house?”

“Yes.”

“And we are heading to your house now, me and you?”

“Yes.”

“Your parents’ house, where your parents are going to be?”

“Yes.” He really wasn’t giving me much here.

“So I’m going to meet your parents?”

“Yes.”

“OK.” I had the facts. I just wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them yet. “Are they expecting me?”

“Yes.”

“Who are they expecting?”

“You.”

“But who am I?” I looked at Joel and he was grinning at me as if I were ridiculous or something. We arrived at his car and he put my case in the trunk. “You know what I mean. To them, who am I?”

“Oh, just some girl. You’re not the first one who’s stayed this holiday. No pressure.” I bumped his leg with my hip. “My girlfriend. To them, to me.”

“OK.”

“OK,” he mimicked.

“OK, loser.”

“OK, girlfriend.”

I liked the sound of that.

“Oh my god. No nakedness?”

Joel just winked.

Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth couldn’t have been more welcoming. In fact, I was unpacking my suitcase in Joel’s bedroom. It felt wrong somehow. Yes we were sleeping together, but sharing a bed in his parents’ house? When his parents were in the house? Joel came up behind me, his arms creeping around my waist.

“It is so good to see you, to have you here.”

“It’s good to be here.” I swiveled in his arms to face him.

He bent to kiss me briefly on the lips. “That last night of term was ... crazy. I wasn’t sure we’d still be us after. You know?” I nodded and pulled the collar of his shirt toward me, bringing his lips to mine again.

We had spoken most days while we’d been away from Uni, but I knew what he meant. That last night had been so desperate between us, like an ending. It wasn’t until now that I realized that it so easily could have been. Jealousy, secrets, and unspoken feelings: They brought out the worst in us both. It was all so complicated. But being here like this with him, it wasn’t. When it was just Joel and me, it was easy.

“Are you finished unpacking?”

“Nearly, I just need a few moments to freshen up. Shall I meet you downstairs?”

“I was hoping for a little naked time.”

“That is so not going to happen. Your parents are downstairs, Joel! I can’t believe you are even suggesting that!”

“Calm down, I just wanted to get a reaction. You are so easy.”

Easy, huh? I had no doubt that, had I offered it up, Joel would have taken naked time right there and then. There was no way that was going to happen. Not tonight. We’d waited this long, another night wasn’t going to kill us. Probably.

The evening was very relaxed. We all had takeout as Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth hadn’t realized they would be home. There was something equalizing about take-out food. Joel kept his leg touching mine all through dinner. I loved how he had to touch me. It made me feel like he felt about me the way I felt about him.

“It’s been so lovely to finally meet you.” Mrs. Wentworth gathered me up in a big hug before heading up to bed for an early night. “Come back and see us again soon, when we’re here a bit longer. And I hope Joel looks after you during your stay. Don’t make her watch football the whole time.”

I blushed at the reference to us being on our own. I bet she knew we’d be fucking like bunnies before they’d reversed the car out of the driveway.

“It’s been lovely to meet you both, too.” It was true, it had. It had been unexpected. I came here to spend time with Joel and meeting his parents somehow felt like I’d spent longer with him than I had. I knew him better by meeting them. I grinned at him over his mother’s shoulder.

“You look happy,” he said to me as we started clear up the take out cartons after dinner. I smiled. I was happy. “My mom likes you.” He wrapped his arms around me, stopping me tidying the table.

“I like her.”

“I guess that makes life a lot easier all around,” he said. I didn’t ask him what he meant. I preferred to imagine.

Joel stayed attached to my waist as I finished clearing up the kitchen. He kept trying to kiss my neck and I kept pushing him off me. The last thing I wanted to do was have Mr. Wentworth come down for a glass of milk and find his son dry humping me against the refrigerator.

I then insisted we watched TV. It was early, not even 9 p.m. Too early to go to bed. It was something we never did together. Life at Uni was all studying, or exploring each other mind and body. Sitting together felt different. Good different but different. Joel sat with his feet out in front of him on the footstool and he reached out his arm, encouraging me to snuggle into him. He was delicious. Hard and soft at the same time and he smelled of home. He stroked my hair and it felt perfect.

My eyes fell open as Joel was putting me into bed. What time was it? He still had all his clothes on. It must have been early still. It was dark in the bedroom, he’d not switched the lights on. I could see the light through the curtains from the streetlamps.

We’d not slept the whole night together before. I always went home to my room to avoid anyone asking questions. Even on the occasions when I had fallen asleep, I always woke up in the middle of the night and let myself out to creep back to my bed. This seemed ... real. It made us seem real. The thought was comforting. I reached out to Joel as he pulled the duvet around me.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” he whispered back. I pulled at his T-shirt, trying to bring him closer to me. I wanted him.

He dove across me onto the bed and lay on his side facing me. I moved closer to him. “What time is it? Are you parents still here?”

“Yeah. It’s midnight. Five hours to go.” He looked so peaceful here in his home. With me. I brought my lips up to meet his.

“Five hours, hey?” I grinned against his lips.

He pushed me gently onto my back and crawled over me. “Five hours.”

I was fully clothed still, but he pulled the neck of my shirt down. His lips found my collarbone. And again. And again. I squirmed beneath him. “Five hours, Joel.”

“Shhhh.” He sat up and stripped off his T-shirt, leaving him bare-chested. Holy fuck. In just two weeks I’d forgotten how his chest made my heart stop. He crawled under the duvet with just his boxers on and pulled me toward him, my back to his front. I’d missed him. Missed his smell. He kissed my shoulder and buried his face into my neck. We couldn’t get any closer.

Present

It had been three and a half freaking days since Jules’ and Joel’s date. Every night since Tuesday, I had drunk myself to sleep. It was the only way I could get any rest. Today I faced a day in the spa, which was most girl’s idea of heaven, but it wasn’t mine. I completely hated the spa. I hated the fact that most of the time was spent sitting, waiting between appointments. It felt inefficient. But Hanna loved the spa, and it was Hanna’s birthday, so she, Jules, and I were going. It would be the first time I’d spoken to Jules properly after her date with Joel. We had spoken briefly about today and exchanged texts and emails, but Jules hadn’t mentioned Tuesday, and despite being desperate to hear about it, I hadn’t brought it up.

“You look terrible,” said Jules as I kissed her on her cheek. I was late. I was never late. She and Hanna were getting hand massages in reception. Their allocated robes and slippers were on their laps. God, I really hated the spa. Communal clothing.

“Thanks.” She was right. I did. I looked exhausted. I was exhausted. Alcohol was not my friend. Would she just get to the bit where she told us about Joel already?

It took another hour, during the next bit of waiting after our first treatment. I had a massage, which was actually quite nice and it stopped my brain whizzing for a few minutes. I came out to the relaxation room feeling better than I had in days.

“What are you two giggling about?” I asked, a little dazed.

“Joel’s penis,” Jules replied. My stomach dropped thirty thousand feet. Oh. My. God. This was it. I couldn’t speak.

“We were just trying to figure out what it was about him that made him so confident,” said Hanna.

“I’m sure it’s his penis,” replied Jules. I nodded. I needed to get out of here. The air was stifling. “It’s bound to be huge. Everything else about him is perfect.” What? That sounded like she didn’t have firsthand experience.

“Oh, yes, the date.” As if I could have possibly forgotten. “How was it?” I was trying hard to be nonchalant.

“Fine.”

This was interesting. Jules never underplayed anything. What did fine mean? I looked at Hanna, who was looking at Jules.

“But you didn’t see his penis?” I asked. I wanted absolute clarity on that point.

“Unfortunately not. Not this time. He had a late night call with the US or something, so he had to run off. But it was a great night. He’s such a flirt. He knows how to make a girl feel good and that’s just what I need.” It was just what I needed, too.

So he hadn’t slept with her. My heart warmed at the thought. Jules was gorgeous, and if he was still angry with me, it would have been easy to wound me with Jules. Maybe there would be a next time for him and Jules, but maybe there wouldn’t. It gave me hope. For what, I wasn’t sure.

I slumped onto the daybed next to Hanna and picked up a magazine I had no intention of reading. My thoughts were all of Joel.

“So, tonight’s the night. How are you feeling?” Hanna asked me. “Daniel called Matt and he and Leah are coming, too.” Great. “Everyone wants to meet the man that’s caught your attention. It’s nice that we’ll all be together. Joel, too.”

“Yes, we’ll get to meet the man that popped your cherry!” Jules interjected.

Jesus. This was going to be horrifying.

“I lost my virginity at school, Jules.”

“Yeah, but it’s grown back since then. Will is making you a woman. He’s your first proper sexual relationship with a human instead of your vibrator.”

If I thought I could get away with it, I would punch Jules, hard. I imagined my fist connecting with her cheekbone and then remembered where I was. “Will isn’t my first sexual relationship, Jules.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think it’s nice that you’ve waited for the one.”

She was right. I was waiting for the one. But I wasn’t sure that was Will. I didn’t respond. It wasn’t worth it.

I was starting to realize how big a deal this was for everyone and I was starting to get jumpy. I suggested the dinner because that’s what Will wanted, not because it was important to me that he met my friends. Did he think this was a big deal?

“So have you met his friends or family?” Hanna asked.

“No. It’s really not super-serious. We’re just seeing each other.” I really wanted everyone to get this in perspective. “I didn’t think dinner with you all was such a big deal. We do it all the time.”

Jules and Hanna just looked at each other.

“I’m going to change,” I said as I headed out of the relaxation room. “I’ll see you guys up there.”

“OK.” Hanna looked at me concerned. Jules was oblivious to any anxiety or irritation on my part.

Back in the changing rooms I pulled out my phone and texted Will:

Are you sure you want to come tonight? It’s no big deal either way.

I slumped back on my seat. What had I gotten myself into? I was really trying with Will. I still couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him. I wanted to want him more than I did. The more I thought about it the more I didn’t think I was being fair to him. I jumped as my phone buzzed.

Of course I want to come tonight. I can’t wait to meet your friends.

I needed a drink.

I heard Jules’ voice outside the changing rooms and I quickly headed to the shower before manicures.

We were due to go straight out after the spa, so I’d brought a change of clothes with me. I had chosen a simple, black knee-length wrap dress with silver strappy heels.

Jules as usual had gone dressier. She was still working short and sexy.

“You look beautiful,” I said to her. I meant it. She was beautiful. I always wondered why he had chosen me when there were girls like Jules about.

“Thanks. Do you think Joel will like it?” She was admiring her back view in the mirror.

“He’ll love it,” Hanna replied.

Did she want them to be together, too? Was everyone rooting for them?

I pulled out my wallet from bag and unzipped the secret pocket buried behind the cardholder. I hooked the necklace chain with my finger and pulled. Hanna and Jules were chattering away, about I don’t know what, but they weren’t concentrating on me, which was my only concern. Linking the chain was the familiar silver infinity symbol. The necklace was a bit tarnished. I pulled a tissue from the box on the dressing table and set about polishing it up. It was always with me, but I’d not worn it for years.

“Shall we grab a glass of champagne in the bar before we head out? We’ve got time,” I asked the girls. I was going to have to a make an effort to be a bit more enthusiastic about the night.

“Great idea,” Jules said.

Hanna nodded.

We were all due to meet at 7.30 p.m. at the Soho Hotel for drinks before dinner. It was one of our usual haunts. It was just coming up to 7 p.m. by the time we got our champagne.

“Cheers!” we chorused and clicked our glasses together.

“Here’s to good sex,” Jules announced.

I rolled my eyes. I’d have to sit at the other end of the table from Jules tonight.

Jules started talking about wheatgrass guy again. “He’s asked me to go to the theater next week. It’s very nice of him, but ...”

“But what, Jules?” Hanna asked. “You’ve liked him for a while, haven’t you?”

“And you said he was a good kisser,” I added.

“Did I?”

I wasn’t sure she had said that, but I was sure we would have heard about it if he hadn’t been.

“I think so.”

Jules shrugged. “But there are so many lovely men out there.”

“You mean Joel?” Hanna asked. I hope she didn’t mean Joel.

“Well yes, Joel, but then there’s my boss’ boss ...”

“Your married boss’ boss,” I said. Shouldn’t I be encouraging her married boss fantasies? Anything to keep her away from Joel.

“I know. I know.”

“It’s one night at the theater. You should go,” Hanna said.

“I should. I will.”

“Good,” I said.

“We might all be married this time next year,” Hanna said.

Jules and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. “Not likely. I’ve never made it past three months and Ava here is having her first sexual relationship.”

“Jesus, Jules, if you say that again I’m going to pour my drink over you. Will and I aren’t sleeping together yet, and if we were it wouldn’t be my first sexual experience. I’ve had a lot of great sex. I just don’t tell you about it in minute detail.”

“What? I don’t even know where to start with all that information! You’ve not had sex with Will yet? That guy’s balls must be as blue as blue. And you’ve had a lot of great sex? When? And with whom, exactly? And why aren’t you telling me about it?”

Now I’d started something.

“We have to go,” Hanna chimed in.

I slung back the last of my champagne.

Jules’ drink stayed resolutely in her hand. “I’m not leaving until I get some answers.”

“Well you’re staying by yourself, then.” I stood up and Hanna jumped up with me.

“Come on, Jules,” pleaded Hanna.

“You’ll tell me in the cab?”

“Come on.”

“So?” Jules asked as soon as our bottoms hit the cab seats.

“Look, it hasn’t felt right with Will yet. I’m not sure about him. I like him but I’m not going to feel pressured into doing anything. That’s why I don’t want you guys making a big song and dance about tonight like it’s our fucking engagement party.”

“I’m sorry. We’re just excited for you. I promise we’ll all lay off.”

Jules didn’t say a word. She wasn’t going to let me off the hook.

“And the other thing. I was just seeing this guy for a while and the sex was good. Great, in fact.” I hated calling Joel just some guy.

“When? When you first came to London and you avoided us? When you said you were busy at work all the time?” Jules was pouting.

Before I could answer, Hanna interrupted, “Oh yes, I remember, you went cold on us for a while. I assumed you had new London friends and had traded us in. I didn’t realize it was about a guy.”

I didn’t need to say anything. They incorrectly filled in the gaps themselves and that suited me. With perfect timing then, the cab pulled up in front of the Soho Hotel.

Daniel, Leah, Adam, Matt, and Joel were sitting at one of the low tables. We were late. My fingers went to my necklace and I took a deep breath. My eyes skimmed the bar. Was he here already? I spotted him at the bar and let Jules and Hanna lead the way toward the group while I veered off to Will.

“Hey.” I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and smiled.

“Hey. You look beautiful.” He put his arm around my waist and pulled me toward him and kissed me on my cheek. I couldn’t help but tense slightly. I wasn’t used to PDAing at all, let alone in front of my friends ... and Joel.

Will had ordered a bottle of champagne. That was nice, wasn’t it?

“Come on. We’re over here,” I said pulling out of Will’s arms and leading him over to the table.

I couldn’t look at Joel.

Luckily, Hanna took over introductions, so I sat next to Leah and caught up with her news. I’d not seen her for a while.

Past

For just a second I didn’t know where I was, and then I was aware of his arms around me and his chest pressed against my back. I was where I should be: with Joel, at his house.

I stroked his arm and he nuzzled into my neck.

“Hey,” he croaked.

“What time is it?” Were his parents still here? Surely not, there were definite signs of light coming through the curtains.

“They left about an hour ago.”

I turned over in his arms. He still had his eyes shut.

“They did? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because you were sleeping. And you’re going to need to be rested for what I have in store for you.”

My stomach flipped. He opened one eye and grinned at me. I pushed his floppy hair away from his face and he caught my wrist and flipped me to my back, holding both hands above my head, his body over mine, staring into my eyes. Suddenly, he was wide awake.

It was just the two of us finally. No parents, no friends, no lectures, no library. Just me and Joel.

“Let’s stay like this, just you and me in bed, all day,” he said.

There’s was nothing I’d rather do. I circled my hips beneath him and his mouth moved toward mine, gently placing light kisses across my lips.

“It’s so good to have you here.” His kisses trailed down my neck.

“In my town,” he kissed over my collarbone.

“In my bed,” he kissed between my breasts.

“In my heart.”

I inhaled sharply and I pulled my hands from his and grasped his face, pulling him up so his eyes met mine.

“It’s so good to be here.”

Our lips met, and then our tongues.

There was something different between us. More serious. Like we were both about to cross a line and we knew there would be no turning back once we did.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered against his mouth.

He trailed his fingers up and down my body. It was half-pleasure, half-torture. I reached to the waistband of his boxers and started to push them down. He helped with the rest. I was already naked and I didn’t want anything between us.

He was hard, ready for me, and when I pulled my eyes from him and up his body I found him looking at me, looking at him.

“You are so beautiful,” he said.

“Joel.” I scrunched my nose.

“Ava, please, you are,” he whispered.

My arms moved to cover myself under his scrutiny.

“Don’t do that. Don’t hide from me. Your body is mine now.”

He wasn’t saying anything I didn’t know already, but hearing it like that ... from him, was ... final. He knew it, too.

I released my hands from my body and brought them to his, tracing the contours of the muscles.

Slowly he moved above me, his eyes locked on mine and he pushed into me, pulling the air from my lungs.

“Joel,” I cried out. I hadn’t expected that, but I was wet and ready for him.

He began moving in and out of me, never breaking the connection between our eyes or our bodies. I felt so whole, so understood, so present in that moment. Everything difficult fell away and only we were left.

Joel slowly and in one movement fell back on his knees, bringing me with him so I was straddling him, my arms around his shoulders. He was deeper like this, and I could feel something build between us. I tuned into the sound of our bodies, moving together, his flesh meeting mine. My fingers dug further into his arms, clinging on, and I could see the muscles in his neck flex. He was concentrating on the rhythm. On his body in my body.

I could feel his hands everywhere on me. Covering me, consuming me.

“Joel,” I whispered. “Joel. Joel. Joel.” He was pulling and pushing my hips and the rhythm was perfect, gently winding the elastic band in my stomach, tauter and tauter. I pulled back to look at him. He looked at me, with a sheen of sweat across his brow, and what I felt with him at that moment was ... everything.

“I love ... I love making love with you, Ava,” he said softly.

My heart stopped. I knew what he felt. We hadn’t said it to each other, but I felt it, too.

“I love making love with you, too.” I shuddered and my back arched, pushing him deeper and Joel opened his mouth and moaned. I pulled his face to mine and watched as his orgasm rippled across his face and the elastic band in my stomach snapped. His orgasm traveled through him across to me and through every atom of my body.

I made no move to lie down. I just clung to him, pulling myself closer, if that were possible. What we had just shared was different, it was new. It brought us to a whole new level.

Joel’s hands crept up and down my back, soothing and sexy in equal measure. I kissed his shoulder and lay my cheek on the spot I kissed. I never wanted to let him go.

“Wow,” he said eventually.

I nodded my head which still rested on his shoulder.

“I never ...” Joel paused.

“No, me either,” I mumbled.

Joel shifted under me and laid us both down, still connected, my head still on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes.

“Hey, are you ok?” He tried to look at me but I wouldn’t shift.

I nodded again.

“Are you going to stay like that forever?”

I nodded again.

“Suits me.”

And that’s how we lay for hours. Not saying anything. My grip on him tightening and loosening occasionally. His fingers smoothing my hair down my back.

Finally I spoke. “Was it because we’ve not seen each other for so long?” I wanted to know what had made it so intense between us.

“I don’t think so.”

“Because we’re away from Uni and friends and stuff?” I finally lifted my head to look at Joel.

He shook his head.

“Then why?”

“I think it’s because it’s us. Because of how we feel.”

I reached over and kissed him on the lips.

“I have something for you.”

We had finally made it in to the shower and we were at the kitchen table eating cereal.

“You do? Is it your penis?”

“Such a dirty mind on such a sweet girl.”

I stuck my tongue out at him.

He rolled his eyes. “A gift. I have a Christmas gift for you.”

I grinned. Wide. I loved that he had a Christmas gift for me.

“You want it now?” he asked.

“Yes, I want it now!”

He grinned back at me and went into the next room. He returned a few minutes later with his hands behind his back.

“Right hand or left hand?” he asked.

“Both hands.” I reached up, put my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I was so excited that he’d bought me a gift. It didn’t matter what it was.

“I’m getting a thank-you kiss before you’ve opened it. What if you hate it?”

“I won’t hate it. I’ll love it.”

“You might hate it.”

“I won’t.”

He smiled sheepishly at me and brought his hands in front of him, revealing a gift box with a huge red ribbon on it. He held it out for me. I took it from him and took his hand and led him upstairs.

“I have a gift for you, too.”

“Is it your vagina?”

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What, so when you say it it’s cute, but when I say it, I get the look?”

“There’s no look.”

“There’s a look.”

I grinned. “Do you want my gift?”

He grinned.

Back in his bedroom I pulled his gift from my case. He was sat on the bed crossed legged in just his boxers. He looked so delicious. Rumpled, smiling, mine.

I bounced on the bed opposite him and sat down crossed legged, our knees touching.

Before I could say anything he was ripping the paper off his gift.

“I didn’t know what to get you.” I wasn’t sure now whether I’d done the right thing.

He opened the box and grinned.

“Friendship?”

Oh god, did he hate it? Was it unromantic?

I nodded. “I mean, we’re more but—”

“Put it on me,” he said. “I wanna wear it.”

I pulled the black band of leather out of the box and started to fasten it around his wrist. Before I finished, he pushed me to my back and climbed on top of me, kissing me.

“Is it ok?”

“It’s more than ok. I love that I can wear it every day.”

I kissed him back, hard.

“Mine now,” I said, feeling for my gift between us.

He propped his head on his hand and I rolled onto my stomach so I could see what I was doing. He fingered my hair, pushing it over my shoulders and down my back. I shivered at the feel of his hands and started to open my gift box. It was sealed tight. I had to use my fingers to split the cellophane and free the two parts of the box.

Finally, I pulled the top of the box off to reveal a silver chain, I hooked my finger underneath it and pulled it out. Attached to the chain was an elongated silver figure eight.

“It’s the symbol for infinity.” He reached across and followed the curves of the symbol. My breath was caught. It was beautiful. I couldn’t speak. “You know, for you and me.” He shrugged and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I really couldn’t speak. “You can take it back if you don’t li—”

I pushed him to his back and climbed on top of him. “Help me fasten the chain.” I was reaching behind my neck but my hair was in the way.

He reached out and took the chain from me.

“You like it?” He looked unsure.

“I love it. I love you,” I said.

“I love you, Ava. For infinity.”