Present

After a sleepless night, I texted Jules to say I would pop over at 11 a.m. to look at outfits for an hour if she promised to take me to a boozy brunch. Having thought of nothing else all night, I reasoned that if I helped Jules pick out an outfit, I could make sure it would be something Joel wouldn’t like.

Was that entirely selfish? Yup.

Was I entirely ok with that? Yup.

Desperate times called for desperate measures. The thought of the love of my life dating one of my closest friends was just too horrifying.

“So, how was Will? Did he leave this morning?” Jules looked horrific, hungover.

“He canceled dinner. I spent the night in.”

“Oh, you should have come out with us. We had such a fantastic night!” My heart sank. Had she gone out with Adam and Joel? “We ended up at that karaoke bar in Soho. Oh my god!” She clamped her hands over her mouth. “I just remembered. I snogged that hot guy in Finance.” Oh yes, that was right, it had been a work thing that she went to last night. I tried to hide my relief.

“What hot guy?”

“You know—the wheatgrass man.” Jules set her sights on him when he first started about six months ago, but had convinced herself that he was gay because he hadn’t responded to any of her flirting. This was a good thing, a very good thing. It might take the focus off Joel for a bit. Or forever. The wheatgrass man might be The One for Jules.

“So, I was thinking about short and sexy for Tuesday. What do you think?” Jules interrupted my mental planning of her wedding with wheatgrass guy.

“Oh, so you’re still going on Tuesday.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, you know, you kissing wheatgrass guy, I just thought …”

Jules started laughing. “Come on. This is Joel Wentworth. I’m not giving up a dinner with Joel Wentworth because I kissed some guy in Finance.” What did she mean Joel Wentworth? “So short and sexy?”

“I guess,” I said helpfully. “Let’s see what you had in mind.”

Jules looked amazing in short and sexy. “Is it too much?” she asked. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. She looked amazing in most things. What was I thinking? That I was going to convince Jules to look hideous when she went to dinner with Joel? I’m not sure Jules could even look hideous if she tried.

“Too much for what? Where are you going?”

“He hasn’t said where he’s taking me, but it’s bound to be nice, right? I mean, he’s loaded.” I cringed at her reference to his money. That wasn’t what he was about.

“I suppose so. Are you serious about this thing with him?” I asked, desperate for her to say no.

“I think maybe this is too much.” She pulled off the sequined, one-shoulder dress and flung it at me before she dove back into her closet.

“So?”

“This would be good.” She was ignoring me. I couldn’t tell if she was doing so on purpose. She pulled on some bright green jeans. I was pretty sure my Joel would hate them. I wasn’t sure about Eight Years Later Joel. Despite myself, I shook my head.

“I don’t know if I’m serious about him. I really like him. He’s rich and gorgeous. We’ll have dinner, I’ll see if he’s good in bed. I don’t have to decide now, do I?”

She would see if he was good in bed? Perhaps I should just tell her that we had a thing and then the girl code would kick in and she wouldn’t be able to sleep with him. Is that how girl code worked?

“No. I guess not.” I wished I liked Will more. I was going to make more of an effort with him. I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket.

“Who are you texting?” She was pulling on a blue dress.

“Will.”

“You must have it bad. Is he good in bed?” Perhaps she hadn’t believed me yesterday when I said I didn’t get laid.

Now it was time for me to ignore her.

Sorry about last night. Are you around this evening?

“Were you lying when you said he canceled? Did you actually shag all night? Is that why you’re in such a grump today?”

“I’m not in a grump.”

“Well, you’re not sweetness and light either, are you? I would have thought you’d be in a permanent good mood now you’re getting some.”

What was the obsession with my sex life? Was it weird that I hadn’t slept with Will yet?

“Do you want to meet him?”

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “Will?”

“Yes Will, who did you think I meant, my window cleaner?”

“Wow.”

“What wow?”

“Yes of course we want to meet him. When? Where?”

“Who are 'we'?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. I knew the answer, I was sure there would have been discussion about Will when I wasn’t around. Me dating would be big news.

“We. Your friends.”

“Dinner maybe. Next week or something.”

“Are you going to marry this guy?”

“Jesus, it’s dinner, Jules, not a wedding.”

Past

“So I’ll see you in a few weeks, I guess,” Joel said as we were walking back from the library on the last day of term.

“I’ll see you tonight, though?” I panicked at the thought of not seeing him every day. I worried that whatever he saw in me would suddenly disappear when we left this place. Our perfect spell would be broken.

“Yes, of course, but Adam’s crashing over with Daniel so this is ...” he didn’t finish his sentence. He meant this was our last time in our bubble, just us. My stomach churned. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t look at him.

As we arrived at our block, Joel’s fingers brushed mine between us and instead of flinching as I normally did if he ever touched me in public, I brushed against him. “I’ll see you tonight, Ava, and then again for New Year’s Eve. And we can talk on the phone.” I nodded. It wasn’t the same.

That evening, in preparation for the end of semester party, I wore the dress I wore on our first night together. As I slipped it on, I remembered him peeling it off me, kissing every inch of exposed flesh. I wanted him to remember. I wanted to remember.

“Wow, you look great, Ava.” Jules bounced into my room carrying two plastic glasses, containing a clear liquid I didn’t think was water judging on Jules’ good mood.

“Thanks. So do you.” Jules always looked good.

“Thanks. I’m desperate to hook up with someone tonight.” Jules collapsed on my bed as I finished my makeup. “Is Joel shagging anyone at the moment?”

Sirens blared in my head. Joel? Was she kidding? I shrugged.

“I’ve not seen him with anyone in a while. I might make my move tonight,” she said. I didn’t say anything. I was sure if I did I would give myself away. “Have you got your eye on anyone? It’s our last year at Uni, Ava. Our last year as irresponsible adults. It all goes downhill after this. You need to make the most of it.”

“Thanks, I’ll bear it in mind.”

“Alright. God, I hope you cheer up.” She was right. I just wasn’t in the mood.

Adam, Daniel, and Matt were already halfway through their drinks when we arrived at the pub to begin our big night out. Where was Joel? We got our drinks and shuffled into the booth next to the boys. I kept glancing at the door waiting for Joel. God I hope he didn’t bail.

Daniel was making a lewd joke about one of his professors when I felt Joel. My smile widened at Daniel, but not at his joke. I was on the outside edge of the booth with Jules beside. When Joel came over, he scooted in next to me. Every part of his leg touching every part of mine. I felt better instantly.

“I’ve ordered shots. They’re bringing them over,” he said.

“What? Joel Wentworth gets waitress service? Did you shag the barmaid?” Adam seemed quite put out. Joel just grinned.

He turned to me and said quietly so as not to make a big deal about it, “Nice dress.” He grinned.

I grinned back. “Thanks. It’s one of my favorites. It has magic powers.”

Joel raised his eyebrows. “I can only imagine.”

“Do you like my dress, Joel?” Jules interrupted.

Joel’s eyes flicked to Jules and he smiled, “Looks great.” And he turned his attention straight back to me.

“You have a very active imagination.” I raised my eyebrows right back at him, grinning. I was feeling brave. And at that moment, I didn’t care if people saw us flirting. I was enjoying his attention too much.

“You know it.” His hand that rested on his thigh dipped and his fingers brushed my exposed leg, one finger pushing under the hem of my skirt, just a tiny bit. I held my breath. What was he doing? His hand rested back on his thigh. “Breathe,” he whispered to me, and then he asked Adam, “What were you talking about?”

It was excruciating being so close to him, being able to smell him, his leg touching mine, but not being able to properly touch him like I wanted to.

I downed my shot as soon as it arrived. I caught Jules looking at me quizzically and then at Joel and then back at me. I excused myself to go to the restroom. We were on the verge of being found out. Sober me knew I didn’t want the pressure and scrutiny on what Joel and I had. Whatever we had couldn’t survive it. Sober me knew I wanted to keep what we had between us. Sober me knew that I didn’t want to risk it, not for anything, and certainly not because I was feeling hot and horny tonight.

I kept my distance from him for the rest of the night. We moved on to our favorite club and Daniel, Matt, Joel, and Adam propped up the bar while Hanna, Jules, and I tore up the dance floor. He didn’t try to make an excuse to touch me. He didn’t try to have a conversation with me. I caught his eye a couple of times but he didn’t hold my gaze. It was as if we were just friends on a night out together. He was acting exactly how I wanted him to act. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was, well, disappointed.

Jules and I were dancing on our own. We’d had enough alcohol that it didn’t matter what we were dancing to. I could feel the bass thunder through my feet. The dance floor was packed; we were surrounded by sweaty bodies intent on squeezing the last drop of enjoyment from the last night of term. I flung my head back and my arms in the air. This had been such a fantastic semester. I had fallen in love, had the most amazing sex, found my best friend.

We were attracting some attention. Jules was in a world of her own, enjoying the chaos, the music. A guy came up behind her and pressed his body against hers, his front to her back, clearly moving in for the kill. She made the most of it and wiggled her bum at him. I was about to get dropped by her, I could tell. I looked around to find Hanna but she must have disappeared to get a drink or grope Matt or something. I felt arms around my waist and for a moment I thought it was Joel. But it didn’t feel like him, and he wouldn’t be so reckless, would he? I spun around and came face to face with a very tall, very handsome member of the rugby team. I knew his face but not his name. Oh.

My eyes shot to the bar to see if Joel had seen us. He was busy in conversation with Adam and two girls from my Tuesday International Law class. They were pretty, both of them.

“You look hot,” he shouted into my ear, his arms circling my waist as we continued to dance.

“I am. It’s boiling in here.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “No, sexy hot.” Oh.

“Well, I can confirm that I’m definitely temperature hot,” I shouted back.

“I’ve seen you around. I thought you might be going out with Joel, but he said you were just friends when I asked him.” Joel said we were just friends?

“Oh, yes, friends.”

“So you’re not seeing anyone?”

My heart was Joel’s, there was no mistake about that. But I wasn’t prepared to answer questions about my romantic status. I just shrugged and he ran his hands across my bottom. Holy cow. I looked over at the bar again. Joel was scanning the dance floor while the blond International Lawyer was tiptoeing to reach his ear. He didn’t seem to be discouraging her attentions. Was he looking for me?

I pushed my hands up the arms of the rugby hunk and pressed firmly against his biceps in an effort to put a bit of distance between us. He just pulled my hips toward him and moved us both to the music. Christ, I could feel his erection pushing against me. I needed to get out of this situation. Where was Jules?

“I need to grab some water,” I said.

“OK, I’ll come with you.”

“No you stay here. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Don’t be long, sexy.” He bent to kiss my neck and ground against me for a final time and then released me. My pulse was racing. I just wanted Joel.

I started to make my way to the bar, looking for Joel. I caught his eye and he looked away and back at the blonde, turning his body into her as if he didn’t want me to interrupt them. I could feel my jealousy ramp up a level. As I got closer, I could see Adam with the blonde’s friend. Where were Matt and Daniel?

Joel’s back was toward me and when I reached him, I tapped him on the shoulder. Without moving his body, he swiveled his head in my direction.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied sharply and turned back to his blonde.

“Joel?” I half-shouted at his back.

“What?” he said without looking at me.

“I’m leaving.”

“On your own?” he spat. Did I hear that right?

“Jules is still on the dance floor.” He didn’t respond, as if he couldn’t wait for me to leave. I could feel my eyes start to well. Why was he being so shitty? I didn’t want to leave him with the blonde, but he didn’t seem to want me to stay. “See you around,” I said and started to make my way to the exit.

I had just reached the door when someone grabbed me from behind. I twisted around to break free and came face to face with Joel.

“What the fuck, Ava?!” he screamed at me and let go of my arm.

I headed out into the parking lot. The air was cold and I could feel my face tighten.

I heard Joel behind me.

“What the fuck!” he screamed again. Why was he screaming?

I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I wasn’t going to see him for two weeks. I knew that he had spent the evening talking to some blonde and ignoring me.

I stopped but I didn’t turn around, folding my arms close around me. I couldn’t speak. I could feel my throat tightening.

“What the fuck, Ava,” he said again, quieter this time, almost exasperated.

I turned around and he was leaning up against the side of the wall, his hands running through his hair. I took a couple of steps toward him so I was standing a few feet away.

“Do you not want this?” he asked, gesturing between us.

“What?” I choked. All I wanted was him. He knew that.

“Us, Ava. Do you want to end things?”

“What? No. Why—”

“You don’t want anyone to know about us and you flinch if I touch you in public. You spend your night writhing around the dance floor, dancing sexy as hell, putting on a show for every drunken twat in the place. You start dirty dancing with a guy I know for a fact wants in your underwear.” He bowed his head not looking at me. It sounded bad when he listed things like that.

I moved closer to him, my arms still hugging my chest, so close my body was touching his. “I’m sorry.”

He stayed still. Cold. Hard. I unraveled my arms and slid them around his waist and pressed my face onto his chest. He didn’t move. “I was dancing for you, thinking about you,” I whispered. “How could you think I want anyone but you?”

He rested his chin on the top of my head. “Shit, Ava.”

“I hated seeing you with that blonde from my class.” I wanted to rip the hair from her head.

“I was just keeping her occupied while Adam tried to get with her friend.” I pulled my face from his chest and looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. He sighed, “And I suppose I was trying to make you a little jealous.”

“It worked.”

I put my head back on his chest and pulled his arms around me and squeezed closer to him. I felt the air shift around us. A crack of thunder sounded somewhere off in the distance.

“It’s good to know.”

We stayed silent, holding each other like that. He couldn’t know how much I wanted him. He couldn’t understand how much any person could want a person the way that I wanted him. The thought of how much he could hurt me was overwhelming, and at that moment I considered running. Going back to my room, packing up, and leaving. Not going to visit him during the holidays. Distancing myself from him. It would be safer that way. I loved him and I was fighting it every inch of the way, making it as difficult as I could.

But I didn’t run.

Instead, I tilted my head up and pushed my hands to the back of his neck. “Kiss me.”

He looked at me as if he hadn’t heard me right.

“Kiss me,” I said again. Slowly, he bowed his head to mine and lightly brushed his lips against mine. I pulled his bottom lip between my teeth and I felt the corners of his mouth turn up.

I pushed my tongue through his lips, searching for his. His hands wrapped around my face, holding me close to him. At that moment, I didn’t care that anyone leaving the club right now would see us. All I wanted in that moment was Joel to see inside me, see how much I needed him. I couldn’t tell him, but I needed him to know. His tongue grew more insistent, as if he were trying to understand, trying to reach a part of me that I had hidden.

I felt heat run through my body and the first drops of rain on my face. The thunder cracked again, closer now, louder.

“Joel,” I whispered, as if I were asking for something more from him. Asking him to see me the way I saw him. In answer, he spun us around, my back grazing the wall.

His eyes were dark, serious. I’d never seen him like this before. He crashed into me, his whole body pushing me into the wall. I brought my arms to his shoulders. I loved how big he was. How physically overpowering he was. He hitched me up the wall and pulled my legs around him. He buried his head in my neck, sucking and licking. I groaned as I felt his erection straining against me. The rain started to fall heavier, big drops. I licked his jaw, tasting the rain, tasting him.

“Be mine, Ava.” How could he not know that I already was?

“Always.”

Present

It was 10:33 p.m., exactly three minutes since I had last looked at the clock and about an hour and a half since I started pacing.

It was Tuesday night. The night of Jules and Joel’s date. They were meeting at 7 p.m. at the restaurant. I took that as a good sign. If he were trying to impress her, he would have picked her up, wouldn’t he? Surely dinner would be over by now. Should I text her to see how it went? See if they were still out? Or at his place? Or hers? No. No. No.

I needed to go to bed. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day in the office. I needed to sleep. I paced over to the fridge and poured myself a glass of wine. Wine would help. Being still. That’s what I needed to do. Be still. I turned the TV on and sat down. No. More. Pacing.

My phone was in front of me and I’d checked at least 43 times that it wasn’t on silent. If Jules texted me, I would know. But it didn’t stop my eyes from flicking to the phone’s screen every couple of minutes. Would he have sex with her? Would he think so little of me, of what we had? Eight years is a long time. Maybe what we were had changed for him. Maybe he’d convinced himself we were something else. Something less.

***

I opened my eyes to be greeted by an empty bottle of wine. Jesus, I must have fallen asleep in front of the TV. I was a mess. I checked my phone. There was a text from Will asking if I wanted to go see a movie that evening. Nothing from Jules. Urgh. I couldn’t think of anything but my pounding head. I slung my phone on the coffee table and headed into the shower. It was 8 a.m. I should be in the office.

When I finally got to work, I emailed Will to say I could meet him. He was a nice guy. I was making an effort with him, right? It would be good to distract myself with something.

By the time work finished, I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was meet Will, but I couldn’t cancel on him again. I was going to meet him in Leicester Square. I liked the fact he wasn’t taking me to anything remotely art-housey. I couldn’t cope with subtitles, not on a day like today. No, we were doing a blockbuster, and that was ok with me. Anything that involved Hugh Jackman could never be bad.

“Hey, beautiful.” Despite the rain, he greeted me outside with a kiss on my cheek, and I found myself smiling without forcing myself. He was a really nice guy. He’d already bought our tickets. Again, he was lovely.

“Hey, Will. How was work?” Work was a safe topic, right?

“Great, because I had a date with you to look forward to all day.”

“You smoothie.” We both laughed.

Once we were in our seats with our popcorn, Will reached over and took my hand, and I let him. It felt nice.