Present

The silence was still there and I had no more words. What was he thinking?

Joel sat forward and put his head in his hands. Then slumped back, then forward again. I watched him in his discomfort. Had he not expected me to say what I said? Did he not realize that I was still in love with him?

Finally, he broke the silence: “I’m scared.”

I wasn’t sure what it was that I expected him to say, but it wasn’t that. But I understood it. I felt it, too. I was scared I would never see him again. Scared of seeing him with someone else. Scared that I still loved him. Scared that he might not still love me. Scared that he did.

“Me, too.”

More silence. He still had his head in his hands.

“Can I kiss you?”

I hadn’t expected that either. “You don’t normally ask.” I said, not answering his question.

He lifted his head and turned to look at me. His face full of questions, thoughts, emotions. Still as handsome as he was at twenty-one.

“I was always sure. Before. I never had to ask because I was always sure.”

“You never have to ask,” I half-whispered.

There was about a mile between us and then nothing. He rose up to his feet and cupped my face in his hand and I closed my eyes. If we could just stay like this forever.

As I opened my eyes and looked up at him he reached to pull me up. I felt that familiar warmth pass from him to me. And there we were, his body an inch from mine.

He drew breath and pushed his hands from my shoulders down my arms, reaching my fingers, feeling them with his fingers before linking mine with his.

“So,” he said as we stood body to body, hand in hand.

A smile tried to escape me and I bit my cheek. I didn’t want to admit how it felt to be touching him again. “So.”

“So, I’m going to kiss you now.”

I nodded. “I’m going to let you. And I might kiss you back.”

“You will?” he asked, his grin coming into focus.

“I might,” I teased.

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

He took my face in his hands and that familiar buzz covered me, running across my skin. I closed my eyes, waiting, wanting.

I felt the slight touch of his lips against mine, just brushing my skin with their heat. I bit my bottom lip to ease the burn. He kissed the corner of my mouth, then the other. Then trailed a finger across my bottom lip, releasing it from my teeth. His head dipped again and his tongue followed the path his finger just made. It was delicious and maddening and wonderful. My mouth parted and his tongue pushed gently inside.

I couldn’t just stand there being kissed anymore, couldn’t not touch him. I brought my hands to his waist and then reached up his back. His tongue became more insistent, pushing against mine, his hands pulling me into him as if he wanted to somehow get us closer when there was no space between us.

He pulled his head back from me, and when I opened my eyes to see why I was being denied his mouth, he was looking at me. I smiled at him unsurely. Was he changing his mind? What was going on in his head?

“You taste the same,” he said.

My stomach turned. He sounded so ... sexy, so Joel, as he said it.

“You, too. You taste good.” I reached up behind his neck and pulled him back to me. Less reticent. Remembering what came before. It felt familiar and new and right.

I pulled out his shirt from the back of his trousers and slid my hands up his bare skin. His back was harder than I remembered. More muscles, wider. I felt him move under me and he groaned. Or was it me? I couldn’t tell as our mouths molded together. It wasn’t enough. I needed to feel his skin. I reached for the buttons on his shirt.

Fumbling, I undid the first two, pausing as his mouth moved to my neck. He kissed me on my collarbone; it was wickedly distracting. I brought his face to mine again so I could reach his buttons, but I couldn’t make my fingers work fast enough, so I pulled the fabric apart and sent the remaining buttons scattering to the floor.

Joel stopped suddenly and pulled back to look at me.

“You ripped my shirt,” he said.

“I did.”

“It was kinda hot.” He kissed me and pulled back again.

“I’m glad you think so. You were doing some good work there for a moment. What stopped you?”

“Well, you’ve got me half-naked here,” he said as I pushed this shirt over his shoulders.

I ran my hands over it, watching them as they traced the contours of his skin, and placed a kiss on his beautiful chest. His head fell back. Why had he stopped?

“Ava.” I stopped and looked at him. “This is fast. Are you sure?”

“I’ve had plenty of time to think it through, Joel. I’ve never been so sure about anything.”

“It’s just ...”

I dropped my hands from his chest and my eyes to the floor as I felt a chill go down my spine. It sounded like he wasn’t sure. He placed his hands on my shoulders.

“It’s just ...” he continued. “This can’t ...”

I turned away from him. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. He pulled me into him, my back to his front, and wrapped his arms around my waist as I struggled against him.

“Let me finish.”

I relented and stayed still but tense. Willing him to say something I wanted to hear.

“This can’t just be about sex, Ava. If that’s what this is for you, then I can’t do it. It—this thing—it nearly broke me. In fact, I’m not sure I’ll ever really recover. But if this is just a one night thing for you, then we need to end this now. I couldn’t go through that.”

I gasped and something lodged in my throat. I tried to push it down. Is that what he thought? I circled in his arms to face him and reached up for his face.

“Joel, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. You can have any piece of me you want. You can have me tonight or forever. I’m yours.”

With his thumb, he wiped the tear that had just escaped the corner of my eye and then he pulled me toward him to hold me to his chest, his arms covering my back.

After a few minutes our breathing synchronized. He hadn’t responded. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. All that mattered was that I was in Joel’s arms again and I’d told him everything.

“So, is there a bedroom?” he asked after a while.

I pulled my head from his chest and looked at him, trying to work out what he was asking.

“Yes, there’s a bedroom. Where do you think I sleep?” I said. Before I could whisper ‘weirdo’ under my breath, he’d tossed me over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift and demanded directions.

He threw me onto my back on the bed and crawled over me. “We’ve got some catching up to do,” he said as he pulled my T-shirt over my head and stared at my breasts. “We’ve been in love a long time, Ava. It’s time we acted like it.” His eyes darkened. He pulled my nipple between his thumb and his finger, pebbling it, filling it with blood and desire. I pushed my chest toward him.

“So, for you, this is more?” I asked, barely able to form words as his hand moved across to the other breast. He nodded before he bent his head and replaced his fingers with his mouth.

“For me, this ... you … are everything.” His head dipped to between my breasts, down my stomach to my underwear. His kisses scorched into the skin, creating a line of fire across my stomach. I pushed my hands through his hair. I’d forgotten how much I loved the feel of every part of him. Every inch that I knew so well, that I’d missed so much. He hooked his thumbs into the sides of my underwear and pulled them down. He kneeled over me, watching my body, his eyes wandering up and down and across and then down.

“You are so beautiful.”

I brought my knees up to my chest. I felt self-conscious under his glare.

“Don’t hide from me.” He pulled my knees down so they were bent and my feet were flat to the bed. He pushed my knees apart and focused on what he exposed. I let him, but I turned my head away so I couldn’t see where he was looking. “What is it?” he asked.

“You said that I’d aged when you met me. I overheard you talking to Adam.” I flung my arm across my eyes. I felt silly. We’d all aged. I felt Joel move across the mattress and stand up.

“I did?” he asked.

I nodded.

“I don’t remember. I remember thinking how I didn’t recognize you at first. You seemed so ...”

“Old?”

“Sophisticated. Grown up. Out of my league.”

I took the arm from my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows. He’d taken his trousers off and was looking back at me.

“No one’s out of your league, Joel Wentworth.”

He lay next to me on the bed and linked his fingers through mine. “I always thought you might be. You were super-smart, and funny, and you didn’t seem to fall for my charms. Or what I thought at 20 were charms.”

“Hello? I totally fell for your charms.”

“But it took more effort than I was used to. In a good way. And when I came back, you had ... I don’t know. You had turned into this glossy, sexy, lawyer woman. I’d never known you like that. You know, as a grownup. You were never here when I came back to London after.”

We both lay on our backs staring at the ceiling. Our hands and our hips and our legs touching. Energy buzzing and jumping between us.

He was still my Joel.

“So because I started going to a hair salon and wearing outfits that cost more than my lunch, suddenly I’m sophisticated?”

“You’re beautiful, and I’d forgotten how beautiful. I guess that’s what I was trying to say to Adam.”

Silence.

“I avoided being around when you came back.”

Silence.

“I couldn’t bear to see you with a new life that didn’t include me,” I continued.

He reached over and pulled me to him.

“I wanted to see you. I came back to see you.”

“This time?”

“Every time.”

He pushed me onto my back and climbed over me. I loved his familiar weight and I brought my fingers up his sides, marveling at the feel of him, the size of him, the hardness of him.

“Do we need to … ”

He didn’t need to finish his thought. I knew what he was asking, “I didn’t sleep with Will, and I’m fine. Tested, on the pill. You know.”

Joel closed his eyes as if in relief. “I’ve still never … without … only with you.”

“I want you, Joel,” I replied.

He pressed himself against me. I could feel him through his boxers. I reached down to push them off. I didn’t want anything between us.

And there we were. Joel and Ava.

“I’m not going to last long, Ava.”

“We’ve got all night.”

He put his forehead to mine, reached between our bodies, and pushed slowly into me.

“Oh dear god.” My hips flew up, pushing him deeper, and it was just perfect, he was just perfect. He stilled, his breathing heavy, deliberate. I stroked his arms, tensed beside me. His mouth found my neck, kissing and sucking. When he brought his eyes back to mine, he pulled away and back in right up to the hilt, taking my breath. Suddenly conscious that he was above me and inside me, I felt my orgasm build from nowhere. What started as emotion turned purely physical.

“Joel,” I gasped. “Joel. I’m ...” and I bit into his shoulder as my climax shuddered through me, my entire body clenching under him. I was vaguely aware of his moan before he slumped over me and I flung my arms around his neck.

When the panting had subsided, he said, “I used to be better at this.”

I giggled. “I’ve never come so quickly in my life. I think you did just fine.”

He rolled off me to my side and propped his head in his hand, trailing one hand up and down my body.

“Did you think this was going to happen? When you came back?” I asked.

He took a few moments to answer. “I thought you were single. Adam mentioned it a few months before I came back and I guess I hoped that might leave room for something. But I didn’t know if you’d moved on. I didn’t know if I’d see you.”

“I thought you’d still be angry with me,” I said.

“I’m not sure I was ever angry. I loved you too much to be angry. I missed you too much.” His fingers strayed lower. “I missed this,” he whispered as he dipped between my folds, exploring my wetness. His thumb rubbed over my clitoris. “I was the first to make you come like this, baby.”

“You’re the only man that’s made me come,” I said honestly.

He growled in response, increasing the pressure and pressing his lips to mine. His tongue snaked between my lips and his fingers continued their rhythm.

“You can’t say things like that to me.”

“It’s the truth.”

It built slower this time. Starting somewhere in the tips of my fingers, it was just a warning at first, just a hint of something. But there was no stopping it, no stopping Joel. His fingers knew me, knew my body. And they circled and rubbed and pushed with just the right pressure, just the right speed. I grabbed at Joel’s hand, suddenly aware I’d lost control.

“I’m not going to stop, Ava. Let me be. Let it go.”

And his words tipped me over the edge. I fell and fell and fell. And his fingers kept their rhythm, pulling every last ounce of pleasure out of me.

I was boneless, seeping into the mattress when he finally pulled his hand away. I felt his lips on my forehead. “I thought I locked away in my memory your face, your sounds when you came, but that was better than I remembered,” he whispered against the skin of my neck. I lay unresponsive. Like he had stolen my energy with his magic fingers.

He moved his body against mine, still busy with his lips against my skin.

“We are never leaving this bed,” I said.

“Ok.” He pushed my breasts together and took one nipple between his teeth, releasing his jaw just at the edge of painful.

“I mean, like, ever.” My voice was unsteady.

“Ok.” His tongue was on my stomach, creating a path lower.

“Ok. I’m serious. You can’t go to work tomorrow.”

“Ok.” And then words disappeared as he found my clit, circling it, tasting it, and then sucking and sucking. I pulled at the sheets under me as I screamed, incoherent and desperate.

His tongue pushed down and deeper and his thumb was on my clit, rough and perfect. He pulled back and sat on his knees and I could see myself on his lips, the effect of my fingers in his hair.

He looked like he was mine, finally.

I pulled myself up and face to face with him I leaned in and licked his lips. Licked myself off him.

“You like to taste yourself,” he said, remembering, the words juddering from his mouth, his fingers trailing up my sides.

“I like to taste me mixed with you.” I straddled his hips and rubbed myself along his shaft, feeling him beneath me, hard and pulsing. I felt between us and circled my hand around him, watching him. I looked up and he pulled his eyes reluctantly from my hand around him to my eyes and he kissed me full on the lips. He grabbed my jaw with both hands and pushed into my mouth, exploring me. My hand squeezed and pushed down along the length of him, and then back up as he moaned into my mouth. The feel and sound of him wanting me pushed a spasm of desire through me. I Iifted myself up and positioned him at my entrance.

He pulled back, holding my eyes with his, and placed his hands on my hips. Not pushing, not rushing, but waiting, ready for me. Slowly, I pushed onto him. His eyes widened, just a fraction, giving me slightly more of him, if that was even possible. I could see the passion, the need for me, but it was more than that. There we were, face to face, our bodies connected.

“You are all I need,” he whispered before he flipped me on my back and pulled out before pushing back in with such blinding force I had to scramble for breath. “And I’m all you’ll ever have.” I gave up trying to match his rhythm and let my body be his entirely. “Do you hear me, Ava. There’s no one for you but me.”

I nodded.

“Say it,” he said pushing further, deeper. A sheen of sweat coated our bodies, cocooning us against the world.

“No one but you. There never was.” I wasn’t sure if my words were spoken or remained in my head.

“No one knows your body like I do,” he said, circling his hips and proving himself right as my back arched off the bed. “No one knows this spot.” His fingertips pushed against skin just below my hipbone and deep in my belly a burst of pleasure released. I turned my head, overwhelmed at the moment we were sharing, and devastated we had wasted so long apart.

“Tell me, Ava.”

“No one but you.” I cried out as he pushed his thumb against my clitoris and I clenched around him. My hands were reaching for him, desperate for something, more, and there it was: “Ava …” was all it took. My orgasm barreled down my spine and I heard nothing but booming in my ears, felt nothing but his fingers, his body, his tongue, wanted nothing but him. His rhythm increased and his head fell against my neck and I felt his teeth and then perfect stillness.

Eventually he moved to my side and pulled me into him, twisting his legs through mine. His warmth covered me. “I’d forgotten how it was ... is.”

My hand dragged down his chest.

“This, and being together. I mean, I knew it was good, but it feels ...”

“I know.”

It felt explosive and passionate, but right. It felt very right.

***

“The stuff you were saying tonight to Harvey about thunderbolts. I mean, it’s cheesy,” I slapped him on his chest. “It is cheesy, Ava, but it is what it’s like between us.”

My words were caught in my throat. I nodded against his chest.

“Are you really going to skip work tomorrow?” he asked me.

“Mmhmm. And you can’t go in, either. You can’t leave my bed.”

“Never?”

“Not for a while, yet.”

“Do you have plans for me?”

I nodded. My plans involved me not wearing very much and getting to explore Joel’s very naked body.

“Well, I have a few conditions.”

“You do?” I tilted my head up to look at him and then quickly pulled back into his chest. Maybe he would insist I make a huge announcement on Facebook that we were together or something. Were we together?

“No clothes.” Was this his condition? “If we’re playing hookie tomorrow, then you’re not allowed to wear a stitch of clothing. Agreed?”

“What about you?”

“Always the negotiator.”

I giggled.

“If you’re naked, I don’t want anything coming between us,” he said simply. “We’ll have a naked Monday.”

“I don’t want anything coming between us, either.” I replied. I didn’t know if he had meant to say so much, but I wanted him to know how I felt.

He pulled me closer and we lay there for seconds, minutes, hours. I lost track. I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up on my stomach. I grinned before I opened my eyes, remembering the delicious interruption to my sleep. I heard muffled voices coming from the living room. What was going on? I sat upright, becoming aware of my body and the effects of the night before. I ached from him, for him. My stomach, between my thighs, my neck, my hips. I could feel shadows of him all over me. I grabbed a T-shirt and pulled it over my head and went to investigate.

I stuck my head around the bedroom door and peeked into the living room. There was Joel, his back, his very naked back, to me, facing the sliding doors to my balcony, a mobile phone clamped to his ear.

My grin grew across my face and I opened the door wider. Joel turned around, matching my grin with his.

“If you look under ‘GNO Enterprises’ and then this month, I’m sure it will be there,” he said into the phone, grinning at me. He reached out his hand and beckoned me forward. As I neared him, instead of pulling me into him for a kiss, he reached out to the hem of my T-shirt and pulled it up as far as it would go. He mouthed at me, “Arms.” I lifted them up and he stripped me bare, pulling his arm around my back and into him.

“Yes, exactly. You just need to add the logo and check the formatting, and that’s it. Yes, definitely tomorrow.”

He moved me around so I was leaning against the glass doors, his free arm beside my head.

“I’ll tell you when I see you. No, thank you, and fuck off.” And he hung up.

“Naked. That’s what I said, Ava. We had a deal.” He looked at me seriously. “Nothing between us.”

I nodded.

“If I want to fuck you, I don’t want to waste time having to take your clothes off.”

I felt a rush between my legs.

“Do you understand?”

I nodded at the ground, biting my lip.

“Show me you understand, Ava. I want your mouth on me.”

I felt my nipples tighten at his demand. I wanted him in my mouth. I wanted to please him. I’d do anything. He placed his other hand on the glass, the other side of my head, trapping me. Daring me to try to escape.

I slid down the glass to my knees and my eyes fell on his hard cock. I felt a coolness across my sex and I reached for him greedily, he pulsed in my hand and slowly, tantalizingly, I pushed my tongue from the base to the tip. I could feel him holding back, wanting to force himself inside me. He’d demanded this, but I was the one in control in the moment. I circled the tip of him, once, twice, and then took just the head in my mouth and stilled.

“Ava, Jesus. Don’t stop.” He banged his fist on the glass, frustrated, impatient. I relented and slid my lips down him, slowly, taking him deeper and deeper until he hit the back of my throat and he moaned. I kept him there, swallowing before pulling back, trailing my teeth against him as I knew he liked.

“Jesus. Fucking. Christ,” he yelled, and pushed back into me, again and again, unable to control himself. I loved that I could do that to him and my fingers reached to feel my wetness. “What the fuck.”

He lifted me from under my arms so I was facing him, my hand still between my legs. “What are you doing?” he was staring at my hand, my fingers circling.

“Feeling what you do to me,” I whispered. He closed his eyes and when they opened there was a fire behind them. His hands around my waist lifted me and pushed me against the glass. I wrapped my legs around him. Before the cool of the glass registered, I felt him plunge into me, pulling the air from my lungs. I grabbed at him as if I were drowning, and he kept thrusting into me with such a force I didn’t know if I could handle it for long. It was as if he were fucking away the last eight years.