Chapter Nine

 

My trip was tiring but uneventful. Long days of shooting, fussy art directors who couldn’t make up their minds what they wanted and stroppy models—one had a blazing row with a makeup artist that reduced the makeup girl to tears.

I missed home. I missed Todd. But we spoke each evening and every time he said, “Hey, how’s your day?” the fear that twisted my guts dampened a little. I was beginning to trust in his affection for me. Starting to allow myself to fall in love with him. It was hard to do—love and trust—after being so completely shattered by Tony. It required a ton of courage and a conscious decision to put myself in that place again.

The place where I could be broken into a million tiny pieces.

But Todd was worth my leap of faith. From his gorgeous face, hot body and easy smile right to his sense of humor, unstoppable determination and sure sense of self. Everything about him was like a balm to me. He made me feel healed, cured.

He made me happy again and I couldn’t resist texting him several times a day to tell him as much.

 

*****

 

When I returned from Washington, Todd was on the road again, playing in San Jose, and I ended up at Rizzles, catching up with the guys.

“So, how’s it going?” Gareth asked.

“What?” I chugged on a beer.

“What do you mean, what? With Prett…I mean Todd.”

I couldn’t help the smile that curled my lips. “Good.”

“So you’re an official item?

I shrugged. “I guess but still, keep it to yourselves, right?”

“Course.” Gareth looked hurt.

“Did Joel tell you he introduced me to his teammates?”

“Did he tell me? He was apoplectic with jealousy. You know he’s a crazy Rangers fan. It was all he talked about.” He paused. “But Carty’s not exactly keeping you a secret.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

Joel wandered over, cloth in hand. “Was it fun?” he huffed.

“Yeah.” I paused. “A few of them realized we weren’t just buddies.”

“Anyone say anything?” Gareth asked with a frown.

“Zhirov. He’s an ape of a guy, not the smartest, either. He started to get hostile but Jake Randall stepped in. He’s cool, a nice guy, said he looked forward to seeing me again at hockey things when family and friends were included.”

Joel shook his head. “You met Jake Randall, shit, this is all wasted on you.”

“After that hickey the size of Texas,” Raymond piped up, “I think we can safely say our Matthew is now a Rangers fan. Well, apart from that Zhirov.” He shuddered. “I don’t like him.”

I rubbed the patch of skin on my neck that had held the bruise of Todd’s passion. “Yep, I have a Rangers top now. Number six.”

“So why aren’t you wearing it?” Raymond asked.

“Seems a bit weird to wear a jersey with my boyfriend’s name on it.”

“Oh, boyfriend.” Raymond grinned and rubbed his hands together.

Gareth smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I suppose it does make you a bit of a groupie.”

“Which I’m not, because his hockey skills aren’t what make me feel the way I do.”

There was a moment of quiet.

“And how is that?” Joel asked gently.

A warm, hopeful sensation stirred within me. Talking about Todd to my mates made him seem more real, more part of my life. It stopped the huge ball of emotion that I’d invested in him from being quite so scary. “I guess I’m falling for him.”

Raymond rested his hand on my shoulder and gave several fast blinks as his eyes turned watery. “I am so happy for you. I will, of course, be eternally jealous that you’ve bedded the sinfully beautiful Todd Pretty Carty, but over and above that, I’m deliriously happy for you, Matthew.”

I swallowed tightly. There it was, out in the open. My emotions were on my sleeve again. “I hope it doesn’t go the way it did with Tony.”

“Tony, Schmony,” Joel said, polishing a glass with a blue-striped cloth. “That was so long ago, and Todd is his own person, don’t compare them.”

“I’m not comparing.” I sipped my beer. “It just feels like playing with fire and waiting to get burned.”

“Cynic,” Gareth said, resting his hand over mine.

“Hard not to be.”

He smiled. “Happily ever afters do happen in real life, you know. Not just in stories. Look at me and Joel.” He glanced at Joel and flashed a smile.

“And me and Colin,” Raymond said.

We all turned to him.

“Colin?” I asked.

He tutted. “Yeah, the hot guy with the cute tush I met in Chicago. I told you about him. He’s coming to town this weekend. I think there’s really something between us. It’s more than wild rampant sex. There is a spark, a depth, you know what I mean?”

We’d all heard it a million times from Raymond. Each guy he met was the one for the first few dates.

 

*****

 

I stood outside the Seventh Heaven restaurant and fiddled with my tie. I’d been inside once before, on Tony’s twenty-seventh birthday. I remembered it was very elegant, with beautiful food and attentive yet discreet service. We’d had a nice time, drunk champagne and planned a holiday to St. Kitts. He’d liked the diamond-studded cufflinks I’d bought him.

Pushing an image of Tony’s smiling face from my memory, I pulled open the red door.

Todd had called to say he’d meet me there. He’d left straight from a game against the Panthers in order to make the reservation on time.

I’d have preferred to walk in with him. Meeting Raven Starr was a big thing in itself, not least because he was a famous hockey player, but he was also Todd’s ex— sort of.

But I was too old to have nerves—so I told myself—about meeting people. So I set down my shoulders and tilted my chin as the maître d’ escorted me to the Starr table.

I spotted Todd before he saw me. He had his head tilted back, laughing at something a girl with wild red hair was saying. It was a nice moment, seeing him unguarded and relaxed with his friends.

“Here you go, sir.” A waiter pulled out a plush black velvet chair.

Todd looked up. “Matthew, you’re here.”

“Hi,” I said, resisting the urge to reach for him, kiss him. I’d missed him so much all week. It had felt like the best part of each day had been chopped out.

Todd stood, placed a white napkin on the table and rested his hand on my shoulder. “Matthew, I’d like you to meet Fiona Wrigley and Raven Starr.”

Fiona stood. Her green eyes flashed from Todd to me. “Great to meet you, Matthew. Todd said he’d invited someone to join us.” She had a soft, lilting voice and as she spoke, she stretched around and pressed a kiss to my cheek. She smelled of honeysuckle and jasmine, a sweet, floral combination mixed with soap and face cream.

“Matthew,” Raven said, raising his big bulk from the chair and holding out his hand.

I took it and matched the firmness of his grip. “Raven.” His hair was long and sleek and so black it shone like an oil slick as it moved over his shoulders. His face was chiseled with high, angular cheekbones and a strong, straight nose. His lips were pressed together in a tight line.

We all sat and I was aware of Todd’s leg just brushing mine under the table. Silence descended.

A coil of nerves wound in my stomach. What if Todd’s friends didn’t like me? What if they thought I was no good for him?

Shut up, Matthew. Of course you are.

Raven folded his arms over his colossal chest, creasing the red tie he wore. His hard stare settled on me. “You’re a man,” he said.

A shocked laugh burst from my throat. “Last time I looked.”

Fiona took a sip of wine and looked at me over the rim. I could almost see the cogs of her mind turning.

I glanced at Todd. Saw him swallow and the corners of his mouth pull down. The urge to reach for his hand was almost overwhelming. I hated seeing him uncomfortable. And he clearly was, he was practically squirming on the seat. Gone was the self-assured, speech-rehearsed guy I’d seen in the players’ lounge. Now he was jittery, on edge. Introducing me to Raven and Fiona was clearly a huge deal for him.

“I was under the impression you were bringing someone to dinner you were dating,” Raven said to Todd as his frown deepened.

No one spoke.

I glanced at Todd. Todd looked at Raven. Raven turned to Fiona.

She reached for his right hand, which he’d curled around his left biceps—big, dark fingers gripping white cotton. “I do believe you thought right,” she said. “Am I correct, Todd?”

He took a sip of wine. “Yeah.” He placed down his glass and reached for my hand. “Matthew and I are together, seeing each other.” His fingers squeezed mine and I gave him a reciprocal tightening.

Raven let go of Fiona, shoved his hand through his hair and sat back hard on the chair. The legs scraped on the floor. “Fucking hell, man.”

“Sorry if it’s a shock,” Todd said. “But I’ve fallen for Matthew and that’s how it is.”

Fiona pulled in a deep breath then blew it out slowly. She had a very pretty mouth, soft baby-pink lips that were plump and shiny. “So you mean, all that time… When we were…” She glanced at the chandelier hanging above us, tugged on her bottom lip then looked at Todd again. “You seemed like you were enjoying yourself just fine.”

Todd smiled. “I did, you know that, you’re one sexy babe.”

Raven shot forward in his seat and dropped a clenched fist on the tablecloth. The cutlery and glasses shook. “Jesus, Carty, watch what the fuck you say.” He sent a steely glare my way.

“We can talk freely in front of Matthew.”

Raven’s stare intensified and his lips curled into a half-snarl.

If I could have swapped that moment of my life, sitting at a table in Midtown Manhattan, to working in a circus in Belarus with my head in a lion’s mouth, I would have. Happily. But despite my heart rapping I didn’t wilt under Raven’s glare. I’d stood up for myself over the years, just hadn’t had to for a while. “I’ve worked with more celebrities than I care to remember,” I said. “If I didn’t understand discretion I’d be out of a job.”

“What’s your job?” Fiona asked.

“I’m a photographer.”

“Ah, yes, that’s how you met,” she said.

“Yes,” Todd said. “When Matthew asked me to smile, I wasn’t smiling for the camera, I was smiling at him.”

“Fuck, this is for real, isn’t it?” Raven said, looking between Todd and me.

A strand of his hair had fallen over his cheek and I couldn’t help but think he looked wild and more than a little dangerous.

“Yeah,” Todd said. “You gotta problem with it?”

“Well, I…” Raven said.

A waiter came into my peripheral vision.

Todd quickly let go of my hand and took the offered menu. He didn’t look at it.

When the waiter had taken my drink order, a beer, I turned to Raven. “All my life I’ve had relationships with men. Women don’t do it for me, never have and never will. No offense, Fiona.”

“None taken.” She smiled.

“So I can handle as much homophobia as you can throw at me and I can take people’s shock and surprise, it doesn’t bother me. But what is important is friendship. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s if you care about someone don’t let their sexual orientation affect how you feel about them, don’t let it stop you wanting to spend time with them.”

A muscle flexed in Raven’s jaw and his eyebrows pulled low.

“I know you and Todd have been friends and teammates for years,” I went on, sounding braver than I felt, “and while I can offer him many things—companionship, security, someone to care for him when he’s exhausted—what I can’t be is you.”

There was a long silence.

“I should have guessed,” Raven said eventually then gave a deep sigh. “There were signs.”

Todd shrugged. “Probably, but I’ve tried to hide it from myself and others for a long time. Then when I met Matthew…” He glanced at me, eyes sparkling. “I knew I’d finally met the one.”

A coil of happiness tightened in my belly.

The One.

It was how I felt, too.

“I’m thrilled for you both,” Fiona said. “Finding someone special is a wonderful thing, isn’t that right, Raven?” She pushed the strand of hair away from his cheek and back over his shoulder. Rested her hand on his thick upper arm.

He sat back in the chair and rested his fingers over hers. Some of the tension seemed to seep from his body.

My beer arrived in a tall glass, the head frothy and white.

“So have you told Derek?” Raven asked.

Todd drew a line in the condensation on his glass of white wine. “No. He’s been bad with his chest.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Who’s Derek?” Fiona asked.

“My father,” Todd replied. “But I’ll tell him, soon.”

“How do you think he’ll take it?” Fiona asked.

Todd sighed and took a mouthful of drink. When he’d swallowed he said, “Hopefully he’ll be okay. He used to talk about me getting married and grandchildren, but he hasn’t mentioned it for a while. He’s either fed up with me having a different girl on my arm each week or he has an idea that it ain’t gonna happen. All my life he’s been one step ahead of me, known me better than I have myself. I hope he won’t be too upset, he’s getting sicker.”

Beneath the table I pressed my palm onto his thigh. He turned to me and gave a sad smile.

“We should drink to his health,” Fiona said, lifting her wine. “And to finding one another.”

“What the fuck is that?” Todd said suddenly. He bent forward, lifted the wine from Fiona’s hand and clutched her fingers in his. “That’s one hell of a rock, sugar. You two got something to share?” A beam spread on his face.

Fiona laughed and her spirals of red hair bobbed and bounced. “Yeah, I guess we have.”

“Jesus, congratulations.” Todd kept hold of her hand. “Wow, I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Raven said, a slow smile creeping over his face. “I decided to make her mine, and only mine, officially.”

“Is that the main reason?” Fiona asked with both a huff and a smile. “Because you were feeling possessive?”

He touched his lips to her cheek. “Well, that and the fact that I can’t live without you, honey.”

“This is awesome news. We need champagne.” Todd already had his hand in the air, signaling to the waiter. “A bottle of your best,” he ordered excitedly.

“Very good, sir.” The waiter dashed off.

“Details,” Todd demanded. “When, where? Date for the wedding?”

Fiona laughed and started on a tale about the Vipers’ home rink, and how she couldn’t skate and there was a puck that wasn’t really a puck, it was a box with a ring in it. And how she nearly fell over trying to pick it up.

I could almost feel the delight radiating from Todd as Fiona spoke. He was truly happy that his friends had got engaged. Truly happy for Raven, too. Which for me was reassuring. It proved Raven was no longer someone Todd held out hope for. He’d been telling me the truth when he’d said he’d put those emotions into the past—the- not-going-to-happen box.

I found Raven really intense, it seemed his mood could swing in an instant from moderately dark to fiercely black. Without even knowing him though, it was clear Fiona placated him, kept him steady—a touch of her hand, a smile, the tone of her voice— sometimes matches were made in heaven.

Champagne arrived, the cork was popped and flutes were filled.

“Congratulations,” I said, holding up my glass.

“Thanks,” Raven said, clinking. “And to friendship.” He angled his glass toward Todd.

Todd grinned. “Friendship.”

We ordered food and the meal was sumptuous. When we got to dessert, Raven asked Todd if any of his new teammates knew about me.

“Sure,” Todd said with a shrug. “Matthew met most of them last week.”

Raven’s eyebrows shot up. “He did?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t like I held up a banner with here’s my boyfriend on it, but we were together in the players’ lounge.”

“Any comments?”

“Not in the lounge but Zhirov kicked off afterward, in the lot.”

“Shit, that guy is a pain in the ass.” Raven shook his head.

“Yeah,” Todd said, “tell me about it. But Randall was cool, took the heat out of the moment and he must have said something to Zhirov after we left, because although he hasn’t been best buddies with me since, he hasn’t said anything homophobic, either.”

“He’s probably had the riot act read if he steps out of line, isn’t he under- performing?”

“I guess.” Todd shrugged. “I dunno, I’m just happy if he keeps his opinions to himself.”

“Did Jake say anything the next day?” I asked.

“Yeah, he asked if you and I were serious.” He looked at me and smiled. “I told him we were and he said he’d do all he could to support us.”

I had a sudden urge to kiss him. Hold him. Make it feel as though we were together. I knew I couldn’t, not here. But resisting what felt natural was like holding my breath. I couldn’t do it for much longer.

“And then Sinclair made a comment that I laughed off,” Todd said.

“He did?” I asked. Todd had told me about Jake but not Sinclair.

“Yeah, some wisecrack about not bending over in the shower if he dropped the soap. But it was good-humored enough. Kind of like accepting it by making a joke out of it.”

“And Marco?” Raven asked. “He’s bound to have something to say. That guy never could keep his mouth shut.”

Todd rested his spoon down, his mango cheesecake demolished. “No. I hope I’m wrong but I sense something brewing there, too.”

Raven looked thoughtful. “But how bad’s it gonna be? Neither him nor any of the other guys want to piss you off.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He’s their golden boy.” Raven pointed a chocolate-covered spoon at Todd. “Their elite new forward and he’s single-handedly putting the Rangers within pissing distance of the Stanley Cup. You really think they’ll alienate him?”

“I guess not.”

“If they do, he could just show up at each game then go at the end of the season without scoring another point. Nope, the Rangers are going to do everything they can to keep you sweet, Todd. I wouldn’t worry about your team.”

“You say it like there’s something else he should worry about,” Fiona said.

“Yeah, there is.” Raven shook his head. “All the other fucking teams in the league. They’re going to have a damn field day with you.”