Chapter Twelve
MILLER
Family dinner.
Something I hadn’t done since my mom was alive.
The thought of actually sitting through an entire meal with Kinsey’s parents had me ready to run in the opposite direction.
It hit too close.
Before my dad discovered the love of his life—alcohol—he’d had another. My mom.
And although they didn’t have the perfect marriage, they always managed to keep Sundays for dinner together.
It was always the same. Pot roast with carrots, and a few potatoes thrown in. Sometimes there was dessert and almost always, we’d finish our meal in the living room while watching Sunday Night Football.
Tradition.
The word burned.
Made my chest feel like it was expanding too fast, as if I couldn’t stop myself from imploding from the inside out.
But Kinsey had asked.
And then added, like I wasn’t already dealing with enough emotional shit, that it would make her dad happy to see her with someone.
Great.
If only he knew that I’d hurt her, not once but twice.
That I’d probably been the reason she was so angry when she got back from Europe.
That I was only capable of doing it again.
And that despite all of it—I still wanted to, wanted her—maybe because when I was with her, she did make me want more.
And if that wasn’t terrifying, I wasn’t sure what was.
I’d lost Em.
I’d lost my mom. The only two women in my life I’d ever loved had both been ripped away from me by different circumstances. I wasn’t sure I could survive it a third time.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to even try.
And girls like Kins, bright lights of bouncing sunshine that knew how to break and enter, but were still afraid of the dark, they deserved a hero.
Not an emotionally fucked-up football player who would rather sleep his way through other women than actually commit his heart and risk losing it all again.
It was stupid.
I was stupid.
The only explanation I had was even stupider.
I think . . . no. I knew.
My heart wasn’t whole.
So how was it fair of me to even attempt to give something that wasn’t even functioning properly to a girl who had the biggest heart I’d ever seen?
It wasn’t fair.
It didn’t make her any less desirable and it sure as hell didn’t make the flame of lust die out.
Not by a long shot.
The sound of dinner plates being passed around brought me back to the present. My current hell.
The Dinner.
“So, Harley.” Paula, Kinsey’s mom, passed her the salad. “What do you do, sweetie?”
“Yoga,” Jax interjected gruffly. “And she models . . . what was it? Children’s wear?”
Harley grabbed her fork and poked Jax in the hand, hard, before going, “Whoops, I thought it was my chicken.”
Jax rubbed his hand.
“And, it’s actually athletic wear, which your son should know since he claims to be an athlete, but that’s yet to be proven this season, isn’t it . . . honey?”
Sanchez reached across the table and handed Jax the carving knife with a solid nod of encouragement.
“Now, boys.” Paula laughed. “I think the girl has a point. You’ve got a tough year ahead of you.”
“How nice”—Jax sounded like he was choking on the words—“of the model to point that out to us.” He grabbed the knife and started cutting through the chicken so hard a piece flew onto my plate and then Kinsey’s.
“Careful, sweetie!” Paula instructed, “It’s a soft bird.”
“I know something else that’s soft,” Harley said in a low voice.
Emerson choked on her wine while Sanchez reached for the bottle and filled up Jax’s empty water glass with wine, giving him another nod of encouragement.
Once the food was passed around, I had assumed there would be peace.
Chewing.
Small talk.
A bit of coffee.
I’d go home, bang my head against the wall, take a cold shower, and attempt not to dream about Kinsey naked.
All in all, exactly what I’d been doing for the past few months while she was away in Europe.
But fate wasn’t that kind.
“So, Miller,” Ben piped up, knife in his left hand pointed in my direction like he was getting ready to throw it. “You sleeping with my daughter?”
Wine spewed out of Jax’s mouth directly into Sanchez’s face.
Emerson handed him a napkin but not before laughing into it first and wiping away a few tears.
Sanchez cursed and wiped off the red wine then tossed the napkin in Jax’s face.
“Daddy . . .” Kins just had to speak. Right now. With a knife pointed at my heart. “That’s a silly question, we just started dating!”
“Uh-huh.” The knife didn’t budge. “And your mama and I were virgins on our wedding night. You do realize that Jax was either a preemie or born out of wedlock?”
Sanchez gave a fake gasp while Harley shrugged and said, “Huh, I’d say preemie. Doesn’t that affect muscle development?”
Jax groaned into his wine and kept drinking while Harley gave a little yelp like she’d just been pinched.
“Hah-hah.” Shit, was it hot in there? I tugged at the collar of my shirt and gulped against a dry-as-hell throat. “Sir, with all due respect, I would never—” Lies, all lies, I saw her boobs! It was literally on the tip of my tongue to confess, I was usually better under this kind of pressure, I was a tight end, for shit’s sake! “I wouldn’t disrespect her in that . . . way.”
He lowered the knife.
I exhaled.
He raised it again.
My dick twitched with absolute guilty horror.
“So you’re saying . . . that the kiss you two shared—what was that, Paula, two days past?”
“Sounds about right.” She nodded excitedly. “Dear, your tongue was quite . . . visible.”
“Very visible,” he agreed. Hell, I thought the man had cancer? Why did he look seconds away from castrating me? “You’re saying that’s as far as you’ve gone with my little girl.”
“Sir, yes sir.” I was suddenly in the military. Ready to die for king and country—or just protect all the lower extremities from the current terrorist with the knife.
“Huh.” He dropped the knife. “Well, what the hell’s wrong with you? Don’t you think she’s pretty?”
Jax growled, shoving a piece of meat into his mouth, leveling me with a glare that would make most men piss themselves.
“Beautiful,” I said, staring down at my plate. “One of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen.”
Small fingers grazed my thigh and then a hand followed—I knew it was Kinsey, I gripped her hand like a lifeline.
“So, she’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen and yet . . . you’ve kept it in your pants?”
“For fear of this one chopping it off.” I pointed at Jax. “Sure, yeah, pretty much.”
Kinsey snorted a laugh next to me.
“Well, if there’s anything I’ve learned . . .” He started cutting his meat again. “It’s that this life is so damn short—hell, don’t be that guy, son. The one that lets the pretty girl get away. Had I done that with Paula I wouldn’t be stuck with this jackass over here.” He pointed at Jax. “Or my little princess.”
“I’m a princess!” Kinsey laughed in Jax’s direction while he grinned back at her. Apparently, this was normal for their family.
“Okay, sir . . .” I exhaled. Had I just agreed to have sex with Kinsey? Did her dad just . . . ask me to? What the hell kind of family was this?
“Thank you,” Kinsey said under her breath. “He’s very passionate about . . . love.”
Her eyes fell.
And with that, the guilt over the whole situation came surging back. Because I was withholding everything from her—because of my own fear, my own selfishness.
“You do know how to perform?” Oh good, more questions from Ben . . . the guy needed his own sitcom.
Kinsey’s hand moved to graze the front of my jeans.
I nearly leaped out of my chair.
“Miller?” Sanchez piped up. “Trust me, if you would have heard the noises coming out of his apartment this summer, you really wouldn’t be needing to ask that question.”
Kinsey jerked her hand away.
While my dick wept with the loss of her fingers.
Fuck.
I lowered my head.
Two girls. I’d slept with two meaningless girls while she was gone. I hadn’t planned to tell her—it wasn’t like we’d been dating.
But I knew it would matter.
To her, it would matter.
Because, like she said yesterday, she wasn’t that girl, the one you sleep with and send packing the next day. I bet that the last guy she was with was Anderson, the asshole who still had a crazy mental and emotional hold on her.
I’d gone and had meaningless sex with two girls who saw nothing but cash in my pockets and a body that could give them a good time, and I was just as guilty because I used them to forget about Kinsey.
Silence fell over the table.
Emerson shook her head slowly at me.
Great, now Em was disappointed too.
Like she wasn’t marrying the guy that last year told her he wanted to screw her for fun.
And look how that turned out!
“Mom.” Kinsey’s voice shook. “I’m just going to check on the pie, okay?”
“I’ll come with you.” I moved to stand.
“No.” Jax gave his head one shake. “I’ll go.”
I tried for a smile.
I failed.
And wondered if I had lost Kinsey.
And then wondered, had I really had her in the first place?