Chapter Thirteen
KINSEY
I was over him.
Over it.
Until Jax forced the big dummy back into my life without giving me a choice in the matter. Maybe if we both had kept our distance, it wouldn’t hurt this bad. If he hadn’t apologized.
If he hadn’t searched every room in my house for an intruder, if he hadn’t promised he was going to kiss me again once I gave up on the friendship ruse and asked. If he wasn’t such a big giant flirt with his crystal-blue eyes and mocha skin.
If he didn’t tell me with his eyes and actions that all he wanted to do was protect me from the world.
But Miller did all of those things.
Two days. It took him two freaking days to get under my skin again like a disease, to make me believe that maybe, just maybe, I could trust him, trust the words he said.
“Hey there.” Jax’s voice was calm, rational, exactly what I needed. “Want help with the pie?”
“No.” I jerked it out of the oven and sat it on the granite counter, tossed the oven mitts onto the floor and started cutting really uneven pieces, getting sugar and crumbs all over my hands before Jax grabbed me from behind, placed his hands on mine, and whispered, “Stop.”
I did.
I closed my eyes.
I breathed him in.
The constant in my life.
The two men I trusted more than anything, my brother, my dad.
And yet again, it had just been proven, maybe that’s all I’d ever have, and I wasn’t okay with it—I wanted to be. Maybe someday I could be. Not now.
“He’s young and stupid,” Jax said in a low voice. “When you’re in the league, and you have that much money, fame.” He sighed. “You forget how many girls propositioned me before I got my legendary ice man reputation. I had one girl literally strip in front of me, spread her legs, and ask me for at least one minute of my time so she’d die happy.”
I shivered. “You’re kidding?”
“That happened all the time, Kins. I’m not saying go back in there and give him a high five for thinking with his dick—especially since this is one of the many reasons I don’t want any player near you. All I’m saying is, when you’re single, there’s temptation. Miller’s one of the good ones, and he just had a rough year last year, with everything that went on with Em and Sanchez.”
And there it was.
It would always go back to Miller’s past.
His past with Em.
And now, it felt like I would never really be a part of his future.
“You’re right.” I didn’t feel better. I didn’t get it. I never would. But I didn’t want my brother to know why it hurt me so deeply—why when I was on that plane to Europe and the first-class flight attendant had to give me more tissues, I thought my heart was going to explode.
While Miller was having naked time with some nameless face who probably didn’t even know his favorite color.
Pink. It was pink.
Don’t ask.
“I just . . . it’s been a stressful night, you know?” I turned in Jax’s arms and gave him a bear hug. “Thanks for being the best big brother ever.”
His face fell while his arms squeezed around me like a tight band. “I’m not.”
“You are.”
“No, Kins.” He pushed me away. He’d never done that before. Pushed. “I’m really not.”
I’d never seen that look on his face—it reminded me of guilt, of the kind that you didn’t get out from underneath, the kind that followed you until it killed you. The kind that I used to suffocate in when Anderson made me feel bad about myself, my body. “Jax?”
“I knew.”
“Knew?”
“About Dad,” he whispered. “Before I sent you to Europe. I knew.”
The world fell around me, first in tiny shattering pieces, and then all at once, the ground gave way, and I was on the floor, on my knees, staring up at the one man who had sworn he’d never let me down—who had said he’d always be my rock.
“Wh-what?”
“Kins.” His eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry, I didn’t want you to get sick again, you know what stress can do to you, and at the time it wasn’t so bad. The chemo worked on the first round, and—”
“Shut up, just shut up!” I screamed, tears running down my face. “I could have had months with him, MONTHS, and you sent me away!”
“I thought—”
“You thought?” I yelled, pounding my fist into the wood surface. “You thought what? That you’d just do what you do to everyone? Pull an Anderson on me and control the entire freaking situation? YOU THOUGHT?”
Mom and Dad suddenly ran into the room, Mom’s face pale, Dad’s even paler.
I closed my eyes.
Suddenly frail arms were around me. “We didn’t want you to hurt.”
Daddy.
Both of them.
Betrayed by both of my parents and Jax.
I sank into myself, wanting to crawl into the floor and cry, scream, and repeat the process. “You had no right.”
“I know, honey.” Dad kissed my head. “We misjudged how fast the cancer was moving, we just . . . we had no idea. We wanted to protect you—”
“It wasn’t your call to make,” I said in a low voice, one I didn’t recognize, one that dripped with such sadness and betrayal I felt like a foreigner in my own body. “I need . . . I need to go.”
“Honey.” Dad squeezed me tighter. “Don’t go, not like this.”
“You all knew.” I ignored him, and chose to eye my mom, brother, and finally my dad. “All of you? And you still chose this for me? When your time has been literally cut to what? A year?”
Dad glanced away.
I swallowed. “How long, Dad?”
“Six months, honey. Maybe less. I’ve stopped treatments.”
“And you were going to keep that from me too?”
“Tonight,” Mom interceded, “we were going to tell you tonight.”
“Some family dinner,” I mumbled. With a sigh, I kissed my dad on the cheek. “I love you, but I need to go. I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you, I just . . . need space right now. I don’t want to leave angry, but . . . I’m so angry.” My voice shook.
Jax gave me a nervous glance before helping me to my feet. I jerked my hands away from him and glared. “I’m moving out.”
“What?” he roared. “Over this? Over me protecting you?”
“That’s all you do! You’re an overbearing pain in my ass! How about you focus on living your own life, instead of trying to keep me from living mine!”
I charged out of the room, grabbed my purse, and ran outside.
It wasn’t until I made it to the curb that I realized Miller had given me a ride.
Two seconds later, his familiar scent wrapped around me. “Where to?”
“Jax’s apartment. I’m grabbing some stuff.”
“And going where?”
“I don’t know yet. A hotel. I’m still pissed at you. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you.”
“Me neither,” he whispered. “I’m just glad you are, even if it’s louder than you normally talk.”
“That’s because I’m trying not to scream at you.”
“It shows.”
I would not smile.
“I’m driving.” I snatched the keys out of his hand.
He let me.