Chapter Thirty-Eight
MILLER
Preseason Game 2
San Francisco vs. Bellevue
Home Turf
Favored Team: Bellevue Bucks
Coach stomped into the locker room, took one look around, and cleared his throat. “Men, normally I wouldn’t be giving a speech before a preseason game, and if I did, it would center around playing your heart out to secure a spot with this program. But today, after this last week, I feel like some words are warranted.” He turned his attention to Jax. “When one of us hurts, all of us hurts, that’s what brotherhood is about, we suffer together, we stand together, so when we walk out there, I want to see unity, I want the world to know what type of team they’re cheering for. This goes beyond football. This, men, is life. You never know who may be watching, who may need to see their heroes stand tall. Play like heroes today, and you’ll win.”
Nobody made eye contact.
Probably because it was one of the best speeches any of us had ever heard, and every damn one of us had tears in our eyes.
Jax stood.
We followed.
And then he did something I’d never seen him do before—he reached for Sanchez on one side, then looped his arm through mine.
The rest of the players followed suit as we linked arms all the way down the tunnel and out onto the field.
Screaming made it hard to focus on anything but the fact that when the world saw us walk tall out onto that field.
They saw unity.
Hope.
They saw a brotherhood.
And I’d never, in all my life, been so honored to be a part of it.
Jax, in that one second, solidified himself as the only leader I wanted to follow, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt the exact same way, that I would rather take the hit than have any harm come to him.
So when we won the coin toss.
When our defense shut them out and it was our turn to take a spot on the field, I turned to him and said, “Trick play?”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Does this mean you wanna throw again?”
“They won’t be expecting the same thing again.”
“Nope.”
“Your dad’s watching.”
The huddle grew silent.
Sanchez was the first to speak. “Double Dr Pepper on two.”
Jax looked up at him and nodded.
Sanchez bumped his fist and ran to his position on the field.
When the ball was snapped, I ran toward Jax, blocking the center before Jax turned on his heel and threw the ball to Sanchez.
Sanchez caught it while I followed Jax’s route, hitting everyone in his path with as much violence as I could muster.
I knew the exact moment the ball was sailing toward Jax, his eyes lit up, his focus was trained. One guy stood in our way. I took him out so hard that he flipped onto the ground backward.
Jax caught the ball.
Made the touchdown.
And saluted Sanchez.
And in that moment, it was more than football to me.
More than a game.
It was something I’d never forget.
Something I would teach my kids and their kids and whoever the hell would listen to me: that life isn’t always about the big moments, but the smaller ones that lead up to them, the truly important parts of your life are the ones that you a lot of times want to ignore, they’re the pain, the agony, the anxiety, the bad.
But they have a purpose.
Everything does.
That big moment was incredible.
The moments building up to it, painful.
And yet I could stand there and look around the stadium and whisper to myself, “It may hurt, but it’s good. Life is good.”
“Mr. Miller, Mr. Miller!” Marco was waiting for me in the locker room right along with his mom. “You played so good!”
“Thanks, man.” I gave him a high five just as Sanchez walked around the corner.
Marco’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Grant Sanchez! Best receiver in the league!”
“Hey, look at that, he knows my official title.” Sanchez winked down at him then knelt. “You have fun today, my man?”
“So much.” Marco did a little dance. “Hey, can you sign my football?”
“I’d sign a thousand footballs for you.” Sanchez shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal when we both knew it was.
I slapped him on the back and then grabbed Jax so Marco could meet him.
Jax was already on his way over to me. “The infamous Marco, good to see you again.”
“Oh, hey!” He pointed at Jax. “You were at the hospital too. Are you sick?”
“Nah, man”—Jax knelt down—“but my dad is.”
“Oh.” Marco’s smile fell. “When my daddy died he told me that it’s really important to eat your vegetables.”
Jax’s eyes widened. “Wow, really? I’ll have to make sure to do that.”
“Know what else?”
“What?”
“He said to treat every day like it’s your last because you never know if it will be. I bet your dad is doing that right now, huh? I bet he watched your game and was so proud and screaming and yelling like I was. I bet he cried too. Because that’s what dads do when they get proud, they cry.”
Jax’s eyes filled with tears. “I believe you on that one, buddy.” He put his hands on his hips. “You know, you’re pretty smart.”
“Duh.” He rolled his eyes. “My mom always says so.”
“Well then.” Sanchez chuckled while Marco’s mom blushed, you could tell she’d been through a lot. Her face was tired. Exhausted, really.
“So.” I split my gaze between him and his mom. “The guys and I thought it would be really cool for you to have season tickets, what do you think about that?”
“Really?”
“Yup! Only on one condition. You see those boxes way up high?”
He nodded his head vigorously.
“You have to sit up there where it’s nice and warm, and you have to promise to eat as much food as possible.”
“I’m in!” He clapped his hands while his mom mouthed a “thank you” to us, and wiped at some of her tears.
Life without a husband, with one child sick, I couldn’t even imagine.
And then it hit me. All this time I’d been focused on myself and on what I couldn’t offer Kinsey rather than what I could offer. I’d been angry over my past, irrational over my mom, over losing Em even, and yet this little kid was giving me a run for my money, humbling me to such extremes that I wanted to punch myself.
When they left, I was still thinking about it.
When I got home, Kinsey was there waiting with a glass of wine.
I blurted out, “Do you think I’m selfish?”
She frowned. “What? Where did that come from? You’re one of the most selfless people I know!”
“No.” I shook my head. “I wish that was true. I think when it comes to you especially, I’m the most selfish man alive.”
“Miller—”
“Hear me out. I want you all to myself. I wanted you when I shouldn’t have wanted you, when I sure as hell didn’t deserve to touch you, to take your heart, and then to promise you nothing but sex? To promise to protect you from Anderson and take you for myself? All of it. Selfish. Horrible. That’s not the guy I want to be for you, Kins. I can’t be him for you. I want you—but I need to want you in the right way, where if you walked out that door and said you wanted nothing to do with me, my feet would stay planted to this ground in order to honor what you really wanted.”
“You done yet?”
I sighed. “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You, Quinton Miller, next to my daddy and brother, are one of the best men I know. You are kind. Smart. Giving. Inspiring. You love with your whole heart even when you’re afraid it’s going to break all over again, and when I needed you most in my life, you were there. You know, when I was little, Jax was my hero. He was . . . everything. I placed him on a pedestal and got pissed when he tripped off it.”
“Stupid Jax,” I teased.
“Right? I learned a thing or two about pedestals, about perfection. Eventually you fail, and when you fail, you fall really hard, Miller. I don’t want perfect. I just want you. I want us. I want what we have, this burning violent uncontainable thing between us. That’s all I need. As far as you being selfish? Good. Because it means that you want me solely for yourself—and that works out great for me, I’ve been yours since that first kiss in Vegas.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” She said it slowly, without taking her eyes off mine.
I kissed, tasted her, craved her so much that it was impossible for me to stop kissing her.
“Hold my heart, Quinton Miller. I’m sorry it hurts so much right now. You deserve a heart that’s not mourning.”
I sighed. “Aw, Kinsey, my heart never stopped mourning, maybe our two hearts can help heal each other.”
She nodded.
“I was wrong.”
“About what?”
I slowly pulled her sweater from her body. “It’s going to be okay. It gets better. When you’re with someone you love. It gets better.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded and placed a hand on my heart. “I know.”