Finn
It’s the last show tonight and I’ve almost given up on seeing her again. I’m convinced now she’s my muse. That’s the only reason I can come up with for my brief flurry of creative inspiration. Wes called it ‘genius’ but I wouldn’t go that far. I’ve got three new songs I need to finish and I still need more. Trent is pleased, but that won’t last when he realizes I have no new ideas. So far I’ve managed to convince him I’m still working on the new stuff, but I haven’t written anything in the last two days.
Whatever she did to me, I need her to do it again. If she’s not at tonight’s show I’m screwed. I run my hands through my thick dark hair in lieu of a brush. Black jeans and a t-shirt and I’m ready. Grabbing Jude off the bed I leave the room. I pray that she’s there. I head to the elevator, Wes joins me just as the doors are closing.
“Hey.”
“Wes.” I extend my fist and Wes returns the gesture, making brief contact. “How’s Soph?”
“Excited I’m gonna be home. I’m picking her up in the morning. We’re going to the zoo. You wanna join?”
“Not this time. How about I swing by with some takeout tomorrow night?”
“You’re not going to stay home and mope all day, are you?”
“I’ll be fine. I just need some space. I want to see Soph, I just need a day first.”
“Yeah, alright. I get it Finn, you know I do. I just don’t want to see you cut yourself off again.”
“I won’t. Tell Soph to expect a surprise.”
“No animals, okay?”
“Promise,” I reply doing a three finger salute.
Wes laughs. “I know you were never a Boy Scout.”
“You remember I almost convinced you to sign up that time?”
“Yeah I remember.” Wes smiles, but it quickly turns into a frown.
Probably shouldn’t have brought it up. The reason we didn’t go – apart from having no money, was that we came home from school to find a three-year-old Sophie home alone.
The elevator opens in the basement, and we head for one of the black SUVs waiting nearby. Adam and Drew are already inside the car. I put my guitar in the back and climb in beside Wes.
“Last show tonight guys.” Wes looks more relieved than excited, but I can understand his concern.
“Yeah, my sister’s coming tonight,” Drew says.
Adam grins. “Send all the hotties my way then, looks like I’ll be the only one getting any tonight.”
“Not a chance, she won’t stay that long.”
I shake my head. “Aren’t you guys ever going to grow up?”
Adam grins. “Not if I can help it. You know you used to be fun. Maybe I’ll join another band over the summer. I heard Downright Dirty were looking for someone. And they still know how to have fun.”
“Don’t let me stop you.”
“Wasn’t planning on it.” Adam throws his head back and laughs.
“Guys,” Wes jumps in, ever the peacemaker. “We all just need some space. After Finn finishes writing, we’ll all get back to record the new album. It’ll be just like old times.”
Drew shrugs. “I agree with Adam. You and Finn used to be fun. Now it’s just like you want to make it into a regular job. No thanks. I didn’t join a band to have someone tell me what to do. If this is how it’s gonna be, count me out. Adam’s not the only one who’s had other offers you know.”
So this is it, this is how it ends. Not that I really care. Adam and Drew have been beyond irritating this whole tour. “Suits me. Infusion Deep will go on with or without you both.”
Adam leans forward. “That right Pretty Boy? Who’s going to write the songs for the new album?”
“I just wrote three new songs,” I retort, irritated.
“But that well’s run dry again, hasn’t it?”
Before I can open my mouth Wes jumps in. “Enough! Let’s just get through this show. After a few days off, I’m sure everything will be fine. In a few months we can record the new album.”
Adam shrugs. “Whatever.”
Ignoring all of them, I stare out of the window at the passing traffic. There’s enough going on in my own life. I don’t have time to worry about whether Adam and Drew are going to leave the band. At this point, I don’t really care. Things have been strained for a while. Maybe some new blood is just what we need. Now that we’re successful, there definitely wouldn’t be a shortage of people wanting to sign up.
The stage lights have gone dim. I jump on the spot to psych myself up. I’m eager to get this last show done. As I walk out on stage, the familiar roar of the crowd energizes me. This is my favorite moment, the first note when everything becomes real.
Ignoring the set list, I play the first notes of Downwrite. It feels right somehow. Even if she’s not here again tonight, it’s still the song I want to play. The band comes in seamlessly behind me. If they’re pissed about me changing the list, you’d never know. Onstage the music is everything. It’s the reason I’m still here. That, despite everything that’s happened, is why I can never let go.
As I slide into the chorus, I finally look at the sea of faces in front of the stage. I take a moment to look at every blonde to see if it’s her. Finally, when I’ve almost given up, I see her – Autumn. She’s further from the stage than usual, her ash blonde hair falls in a cascade around her face as she moves to the music.
Then she looks at me and our eyes meet. The connection slams into my chest and my lips widen into a smile I don’t usually have while I’m performing. Who am I kidding? I’m grinning like an idiot, and I never grin. Sure, I do the half-smile, that drives the fans wild. But now my smile is huge, and I can’t do a thing about it. She’s here. She came. My muse is back.
Autumn
My delusions have taken on a life of their own tonight. I feel like Finn is singing just for me. Our eyes meet and my heart beats faster. And then he smiles, like I’ve never seen him smile before. My heart melts.
The next few songs pass in a daze. As I take in the people closest to me, reality comes crashing back in. Maybe he has a new girlfriend and she’s here tonight? It must be someone close for it to feel like he was looking at me. A few obvious couples dance together nearby, and I rule them out. Then I see her, she’s gorgeous. Long brown hair and ruby red lips. She’s not only beautiful, she’s Drew’s sister. That must be who Finn is smiling at, maybe they’re together now? It’s hard to control the hot rush of jealousy that flares. I want to go over to her and demand that she leave Finn alone. Tell her that they’re not right for each other. It’s such a cliché: the rock star and the model. Somehow it’s not who I thought Finn would go for. In a way I’m disappointed, he deserves someone better, less superficial. Not that all models are superficial of course, but from everything I’ve read about Scarlett, she is as one-dimensional as they come.
Returning my gaze to the stage, my suspicions are confirmed. Finn is staring right at her. Grinning in a way that shows he’s completely smitten. Tears form at the corners of my eyes and I look down blinking rapidly. This was a mistake, I should have stayed home.
Forced to deal with reality, I can feel my whole body trembling. I can’t get enough air, can’t get a breath…
Finn
After our connection, for some reason Autumn doesn’t look my way again. Scarlett is dancing nearby and I wish I could tell her to bring Autumn backstage with her after the show. I can’t see her loser boyfriend anywhere. He’s probably somewhere chatting up some poor unsuspecting girl. They make a good pair, both equally shallow and vapid.
Autumn seems lost as she dances to the music. It’s probably all in my head, I’ve turned one conversation into a reality that doesn’t exist. Somehow I need to get past this, I need to write the new songs without a crutch. But I know I can’t, something within me feels broken. It’s like a vital part of me doesn’t work anymore and I don’t know what to do.
I launch into the chorus of Invincible and it’s never felt more real than it does right now.
Invincible
Thought I was Invincible
But now I know
When the illusion shatters
Ain’t nothing there
To stop me falling
Invincible…
My eyes return to Autumn. Her head is down as she sways to the music. So frail and beautiful it takes my breath away. And then she falls.
It’s like I’m watching in slow motion, time seems to slow as I watch her fall to the floor, like a leaf overcome by the eddies of the swift flowing stream.
Without thought, I leave my guitar on the stage and leap over the barrier and into the crowd. I’m vaguely aware of camera flashes going off as I push my way through the throng. At last the crowd parts and she’s there in front of me, her hair splayed around her like a beautiful golden wreath. Her skin is as pale as the moonlight on the water. Sliding my arms carefully beneath her, I lift her up. Simon the roadie is there, parting the crowd as I carry her away.