Finn
After the food is all gone, I realize I know the ending to one of the songs. Somehow just being around Autumn inspires me. I have no freaking idea how, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Standing up, I glance at Autumn. She’s smiling at something Soph said. She looks like she’ll be fine without me for a bit. “Ah, excuse me, but I just need to write a few notes down, I’ll be back in a bit.”
Autumn looks up her eyes are wide open. She looks so vulnerable. “Sure, I wouldn’t want to stop you from making more of that beautiful music.”
Her words are at odds with her expression, but I choose to believe her anyway. Besides, I know Wes will take good care of her for me. I ignore the look Wes is giving me, and head to his studio. It’s downstairs on the lower level of the house. Since the house is on a hillside, it still has windows on one side. It’s a great place to write and I wrote a lot of the last album here.
The music flows out of me like never before. It feels like no time at all and the three songs are finished. My fingers itch to keep going. I think I can write more, but I’d better do the right thing and take Autumn home. After all, if I don’t take good care of her she won’t want to be in my life. That thought hurts more than it should. After all, we hardly know each other. There’s just something about her that draws me in. I put my guitar down, it’s an old one I keep here to compose with, and jog up the stairs.
Most of the lights are off, but I hear the TV going in the lounge. Great, they must be watching a movie. I picture myself sitting under a blanket with Autumn and I grin like an idiot. My smile dies when I realize Wes is sitting on the couch alone.
“Where is she?”
Wes motions for me to come and sit next to him on the couch.
“What is it? Is she alright?” What have I done? When will I learn to put people before the music?
“She’s fine – I think.” Wes puts a hand on me as I try and stand up. “Just chill, let me tell you what happened.”
I reluctantly sit back down and keep my mouth shut, but I’m dying inside, I need to know.
Wes rubs his fingers across his eyes, he looks exhausted. “Everything was going fine, we chatted about stuff and then Soph went to bed. After that, I suggested we watch a movie while we waited for you and she seemed cool with that. We were about halfway through the film when she suddenly went white as a ghost and said she needed to go home. I offered to go and get you, but she said it was fine, she’d call a cab.”
“Are you kidding me!” I stood. “You didn’t let her catch a cab all the way home did you?”
“Shhh, you’ll wake Soph if you don’t keep it down.”
“She doesn’t have that kind of cash.”
“Relax alright. I paid for the cab, I’m not a total douche.”
“Did you at least check she got home okay?”
Wes pulls out his phone and hands it to me.
Autumn: See I got home just fine. Thanks for the dinner, it was lovely.
Wes: No worries, hope we can do it again soon.
Autumn: Sure, goodnight.
Wes: Night
I glare at Wes. “You like her?”
“Of course I like her. Oh calm down, not like that you idiot.”
Jealousy – it’s not something I’m familiar with, but I realize that’s what this feeling is. Even though I’m the last thing someone like Autumn needs in her life. If she has trouble with this, how is she going to cope with my crazy life? The paparazzi could drive anyone away. If I want to protect her, I need to understand she’s better off without me.
“What were you watching?”
“It was Before We Met. It’s total fluff, it must have been something else.”
“I should call.” I have her number from the hospital. Yeah I know I’m a total stalker.
“You can’t call her now, it’s 3 a.m.! She’ll be asleep. Speaking of which, I’m going to crash. Are you staying?”
“Yeah, I guess. Look I’m sorry man, I only thought I’d be gone a few minutes.”
“Did you finish the songs?” Wes and I both know that once I get lost in the music, I lose all track of time.
“Yeah I did. I even have an idea for another one.”
“She’s really gotten to you hasn’t she?”
I look away. No way am I in the mood to talk about my weirdness.
“Night Finn.” Wes leaves me standing in the darkened room with the TV washing everything in its blue light.
I sit down on the couch and watch the whole stupid film. Wes is right, it’s nothing but fluff. Something else must have caused her to want to leave. Probably the fact that I left her alone for hours.
Autumn
I wake to the sound of rain drumming on the roof. It’s pouring. Luckily I don’t have anywhere to be. Groaning I roll over and bury my head in my pillow remembering last night. I really messed up freaking out like that over nothing. It was just a stupid movie, but in that scene where he came in and sat down next to her on the lounge, it brought all the memories flooding back. It’s not like anything really happened anyway. If I was a normal person, I’d be over it by now. It’s me, there’s something intrinsically wrong with me. Something broken inside that no amount of counselling can fix.
Maybe I can go back to sleep and dream about how it could be with Finn. If I was someone special and he could actually be with me. I curl into a ball and close my eyes. Immediately he fills my mind. Intense blue eyes, dragon tattoo winding down his left arm. Normally I’m not a fan of tats but on Finn it only adds to his perfection. I reach one hand out towards my phone, if I’m going to fully immerse myself in this daydream, I need to hear his beautiful voice. All the Infusion Deep albums are on my phone as well as my other favorite music, not that anything else comes close. Just as my hand is about to close over my phone, it vibrates on the bedside table. Hesitating for a moment, I pick it up, unsure who would be calling me. My phone is mainly for emergencies, and the occasional call to my therapist – which is usually an emergency of some sort.
It’s an unknown number so I press the deny button. As I’m scrolling through my music it vibrates again. Perhaps I’ve forgotten about something I ordered? Unsure, I accept the call and hold the phone up to my ear.
“Hi, um it’s me…I didn’t wake you did I?”
It sounds like Finn. Why would he be calling me after my brilliant display of what a freak I am? Perhaps I’m still dreaming? But I know I’m not. Guilt. He must feel guilty about leaving me last night. That I can deal with. I’ve had practice making people feel better about my…problems.
“Uh hi…Finn?”
“Oh shi- um shoot. Sorry, I didn’t even say who was calling did I?”
“Um no.”
“Anyway, I was actually calling to say sorry and tell you what an ass I am. Um sorry, I mean idiot.”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m sorry I left. I’m not normal. You should probably stay away.” Did I really just say that? I really am an idiot, loser, moron.
Silence at the other end confirms my loser status. Well really, what was I expecting? “Well…thanks…for the call. It was nice meeting you and all.”
“Hey, wait. Sorry, don’t hang up.”
“Alright…I’m still here.”
“Crap, this isn’t going how I expected. I’m usually better at this.”
“Lucky you,” I mumble too quiet for him to hear.
“I actually wanted to thank you. I finished three more songs last night.”
My heart soars at the thought of new music. “You’re welcome, I guess. You know, I actually didn’t do anything to help with your music, right?”
“But you did. For some reason just being around you makes the music come. I told you before you’re my muse.”
“Um, you know you sound totally insane right now, don’t you?”
“See, we make a good pair…Oh crap bangers and mash. Please just ignore that…I didn’t mean that.”
Laughter boils up from within me and before I can help it I’m laughing loudly down the phone. “Did you just say bangers and mash as a swear word?”
“Um, yeah okay. About that…I’m trying to cut down on the swearing. You don’t think that works?”
“You know what bangers and mash are right?”
“Uh, yeah it’s food right?”
“Yes, sausages and mashed potatoes with gravy I think.”
The sound of Finn’s laughter sends tingles through my entire body. I was suddenly glad we were talking on the phone and he couldn’t actually see me.
“Maybe I’ll try something else next time.”
“Oh no, you definitely have to use that again. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone for several seconds. “Yeah, me either. I told you you were good for me Autumn O’Neil.”
My whole body heats at the unexpected praise. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me before. Tears start to pool behind my eyes and before I can stop myself I’m crying into the phone. Horrified that Finn will hear me, I quickly press the end call button and turn off my phone.
Just when things are going well, I have to do something totally weird and crazy. Who bawls at a simple compliment? I get out of bed and jump in the shower where I can pretend my tears are part of the warm water flowing over my body.