A light rapping on the door wakes me up, and for a moment I forget where I am. My eyelids flutter awake and I see Chris sitting on the edge of the bed with a steaming hot mug.

For a second, I forget I’m not a virgin anymore.

“I guess I wore you out, huh?” He hands me the mug as I sit up in his bed, wrapped up in his dark slate grey sheets and duvet.

“How long was I sleeping?” I wake up slowly and take the coffee from him, taking a sip before placing it down on the nightstand.

“Not long. Half hour. I know you already had your coffee but I thought you might like more.” He gets up and pulls his heavy blackout curtains on the window open a little wider, letting sunshine pour in.

I curl my legs up under me and contemplate how I got here. I guess if it hadn’t been for the storm, I would have been able to drive home just fine last night and I would never have needed Chris’ help getting home.

Chris goes into the hallway and shuts the bathroom door behind him. My first instinct is to get the hell out, but it feels so good to be back here. I couldn’t resist his deliciously sexy smile, and the way he pushed me against the wall this morning and took me upstairs was perfect. The absolute perfect way for it to happen.

Somehow I’m wearing a pair of Chris’ college sweatpants and old band t-shirts. I don’t remember getting dressed, and it’s almost like I was in his clothes the whole time.

“I was thinking of shaving,” Chris hollers from inside the bathroom. “What do you think?”

“No!” I shout from the bed, hurrying over to the bathroom. “You look so hot with that beard!” I can’t believe the words fly out of my mouth, but it’s too late to shove them back in.

The door swings open and Chris is standing there without a shirt and just a towel wrapped around his waist, his face covered with shaving cream. “I was thinking of going to get a Santa gig at the mall this year,” he says, checking himself in the mirror. “What do you think? Does this pass for a Santa beard?”

He leans down and steals a kiss from me, causing the shaving cream to get on my lips and chin. “Hey!” I laugh and push him away playfully.

I’m finally able to get a good look at his body now, in the full light of day streaming through the small window. His chest and abs are chiseled and I’m getting wet thinking of how he took me and made me his. It felt so perfect, and it still does.

Since early this morning, everything’s changed. Or maybe everything’s been the same all along.

“Get in here.” Chris grabs me by the hand and pulls me into him, kissing me on the cheek and wiping away the shaving cream that he’s gotten on my face. “Let me clean you up.” He pulls the towel off his waist, leaving him standing there in the buff as he dabs away the shaving cream from my face with the black towel.

Stunned, I stand there in front of him, smiling and frozen.

“So you want me to keep the beard, right?” he says, gently wiping away the rest of the shaving cream.

“Yes, please.” I look up into his eyes as he hangs the towel up on a hook behind the door. The way the muscles in his chest and arms flex is distracting me from the fact that his dick is out and on full display right in front of me like he’s used to it.

“It’s okay baby, you can look at it. I won’t be offended.” He peers down at his dick and smiles at me. “You should get used to this thing.”

“I wasn’t trying to look at it,” I say casually. He’s caught me. The more I tried not to look, the more obvious it became that I wanted to.

Chris starts getting dressed again, pulling on the boxers and undershirt he has folded up on the counter.

“I wanted to bring you somewhere special today,” he says. “So where do you want to go?”

I look around the bathroom. It’s decorated exactly how it was when we were in college. It’s a little bit dated, but I still love it. Pink and teal tiles line the wall inside the shower, and the rest of the walls are painted beige. There’s a small window inside the shower, and all I can see through it is a bright blue sky.

“Here,” I say, shifting to look in his eyes. “Right here. This is the special place I’ve wanted to come back to.”

He steps toward me and pulls me in for a strong embrace. My fingers trace along the back of his shoulders as I breathe deeply. It’s warm and safe in his arms. I’m never letting him let me go again.

“My dad’s on his way home,” Chris says, hugging me tight. “Let’s try to get him to come to your place tonight.”

“That would be nice.” I snuggle into his chest, my fingers punctuating how different everything is. How good. How perfect.

From outside in the hallway and down the stairs I hear the front door open. Chris jogs into his room, and I’m unable to pry my eyes away from butt in his cute Santa boxers. He reappears from his room moments later, as his dad appears at the bottom of the stairs.

“Anyone home?” I observe him tossing his keys into a small metal bowl on a table by the front door and check himself in the mirror hanging above it. Turning to start up the stairs, he sees me at the top landing, waving down at him. “Jess?”

“Yep, it’s me,” I say, pausing by the banister as Chris’ dad comes up and gives me a hug. “Nice to see you again!”

“What a nice surprise,” he says, a warm glow spreading behind his eyes. “Chris, you didn’t tell me your number one girl was back in town.”

Chris leans against the banister and folds his arms. “I didn’t know she was going to be here myself, until yesterday.”

“How long are you in town for?” Chris’ dad asks. “How are you liking California?”

“It’s great. I’m just keeping busy with school and everything. Not much time for a social life.” I dig a toe into the floor behind me, awkwardly trying to avoid Chris mentioning anything about me transferring schools.

“Better there than here, though, right?” Chris’ dad jokes. “Everyone here knows each other. Old news, right?”

He reaches out and puts a hand warmly on Chris’ shoulder.

“Actually, Jess’ parents wanted you to come over to their place for dinner.” Chris hooks a hand around the back of his neck and looks sidelong at his dad. “I told them I’d ask. I didn’t know if you’d be in the mood.”

His dad lets out a sigh and checks his watch. “I’ll try to make it over. But Chris, don’t let me keep you here. We don’t have anything planned for tonight ourselves.”

“I’m aware of that,” Chris grumbles, putting a hand on the small of my back.

I look over at him sympathetically, knowing how hard it is to face the holidays when someone you love is gone. I know he still has a relationship with his mom, but it must be so different with both of his parents living under different roofs. They’re not a unit anymore. I force a smile at Chris and he reaches down to squeeze my hand.

“Good to see you, and Merry Christmas,” his dad says, slipping past us and disappearing into his bedroom.

Chris and I make our way downstairs quietly and a little bit somberly.

“I think he’ll come,” I offer when we are in the living room, Chris collapsing onto the couch. “Don’t you think?”

“Nah,” he says, his face growing hard. “I don’t think he’ll show. That’s fine.”

“I know it’s fine,” I say, sitting down next to him, “but it would have been nice to have him.”

“Yeah. Would have been nice, but what are you going to do?” I study Chris’ face, starting to grasp a better understanding of the pain he’s been through. “Let’s go back to your place,” he says, slipping his hand into mine.

We drive in silence back to my house, and my stomach is growling by the time we arrive. The house looks beautiful from far down the road, idyllic and peaceful, and we turn the corner in the driveway easily. The ice and snow are starting to melt faster now, and the house is dripping with melting icicles. For the first time in years, there’s a lit tree inside, framed with the living room’s big picture window.

“It’s really nice, isn’t it?” Chris must have caught me looking at the tree. “I’m glad you bursted into my nursery yesterday. Have I mentioned that yet?” I look over at him and he leans over to give me a sweet kiss on the mouth.

“You go inside. I want to clean some of the crap out of the back of this thing really quick.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and kneel down backwards in my seat, and start rooting around behind the seats.

“Here, let me help you.” Chris starts to take off his seatbelt and turns around to help.

“No, it’s okay. You go in. It’s probably open. Or just ring the bell.” I start grabbing text books from the box on the floor because it’s too heavy to pick up with everything inside it.

“You mean you haven’t made me a key yet?” Chris jokes, opening the door quickly, hopping out and going to the front door.

I watch him through the frosted front window as he goes inside, Paul shaking his hand and welcoming him in. It all seems so real and so true. I resume rooting around in the back of my truck and finally dig out what I’m looking for. It’s my acceptance letter to the vet program I’m thinking of transferring to. I know what moving back home would mean. It would mean that Chris and I would have a real chance to go all the way this time. I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.

Shoving the letter into the glove compartment, I hop out of the truck and go inside the house. It smells like fresh sugar cookies, cardamom and rosemary. Paul and Chris are sitting on the couch with a cold beer each, and I go into the kitchen, pull on an apron and start helping my sister peel and chop some potatoes. Looking up from my work and over to Chris, I catch him looking at me while he’s talking to Paul. He takes a long swig from his beer, and the memory of his lips on me sends butterflies into my stomach.